He's trying to tell me what to do even without living there

[momtara]

So hubby wants to start calling the children earlier because he is DEMANDING that they be in bed by 8:30 at night.  He sent me an email saying they stay up too late.  They are toddlers.  I work full time, so sometimes we do chores and get home later.  He also has a list of other demands.  I am afraid to contradict him because I don't want to make him angry since he has some visitation.

But I can't walk on eggshells my whole life.

What time is reasonable for little kids to go to bed?  Also, what do I do about all these demands? 

[Waddams]

My uPDxw tried to micro-manage my parenting time as well.  Bed time, what to eat, what not to eat, acceptable TV/video games, and lots more.  I told her to shove her demands up her ar$e and if she didn't like that she could sue me.  Of course, she did, LOL!  I ended up settling w/ her and got a bunch of stuff into the orders that I wanted and she didn't.  Sometimes, though, I still wish I'd made her take me in front of a judge and try to argue about twinkies, poptarts, the merits of bedtime at 8pm vs. 8:30 or 9pm, and the other inane babble she had in her complaint.  Of course, I think her L explained how stupid it was to her, so she went for the settlement.  Now she doesn't ever try to control my parenting.

Point being, you have all the right in the world to tell him what happens in your home is not his business and he can go pound sand.  He'll rage, etc.  Just document it, and otherwise ignore, and live your life.  Eventually you learn to tune out all the background noise they create.

[Cmjo]

Oh dear, I have all those concerns about the kids when they are with their uBPD dad, but I havent dared to even mention them in the past year. Its bad enough he wont accept that I left him, andmost of my messages are ignored anyway. He often lets them watch DVDS until 11 at night even when they have school the next day. And the otherday he went to work and just left them at home (it was Saturday morning) saying ring your mum if you want, didnt bother letting me know, I assumed he would have arranged childcare. But when I call to complain he shouts abuse at me. So he plays havoc wi their routine in a way to control me as he knows it is upsetting me.

Here you are both saying that its your BPDex who is the controlling one by obsessing over the routine.

Maybe all parents just want the best for their kids, but this control they have is always there to make you feel inadequate, and black and white thinking, they cant see that its only fair to give you flexibility as you are tired and you work.

I would suggest just replying very briefly saying you do your very best in the circumstances and do what is right for the kids, and when they are with you he should trust you to make the decisions. Could you tell him any demands you agree to and the ones you dont... ?

[momtara]

I want to tell him things too - only, mine are important (give the kids their medicine, etc.)  So I can't just tell him to shove it, because he'll throw that back in my face unfairly.  I guess maybe we need to go to a family counselor and talk about a lot of these issues so they don't keep haunting us.

Some of his things aren't realistic and some are complete contradictions to what he did when he lived with me (it was hard to get the kids to bed at a certain time even when he was here.  But now that I'm watching the kids alone, suddenly he wants them in bed way early.)

[Free One]

I know it is hard, but you once you start making your own decisions about what to do, it gets easier. Sometimes the IDEA of their rage is worse than the actual rage.

If the new phone call time works for you, I would respond with "New time works for us. We will answer when you call at X:XX p.m."

If it doesn't work for you, respond with, "X:XX time does not work with our evening schedule. Kids will be available to speak to you at X:XX p.m."

Leave it at that. Don't acknowledge or respond to bedtime talk. It's your house, your schedule, your decision. You don't have to discuss it with him.

In terms of you needing to tell him about medicine, just email a couple of days before their visit, "Son or daughter is taking X medicine for Y condition. It needs to give at XYZ times. I will include it in the bag this weekend."

Then, you have to let it go. It is SUPER, SUPER hard to learn to let it go, but once you stop engaging, it will get easier. It takes time and practice.

[thisyoungdad]

I am glad this is one area my ex and I tend to agree on. Our 3 year old has a bedtime of around 830. However that is somewhat variable and that is okay. So long as neither of us lets her stay up till 11pm every night then we just tend to let the other one do their thing and it is okay. Tonight she didn't get to bed till a little later because of something out of the ordinary and that is okay. The only reason we even talk about these things is because we were struggling a lot and talked to each other about the struggles and came to a solution we both can stick by to help us. Not everyone is so fortunate. That being the case it is none of his business nor does he have any say in demanding you follow his schedule. As far as the demands, they are unreasonable therefore my advice is to ignore them. My ex still demands unreasonable things, not necessarily with our daughter but sometimes. I will email her back if I respond at all and simply state that I feel her demand is unreasonable, I hear her and I am not planning to respond or comply further and therefore won't discuss it. I am sure it pisses her off but that is my healthy boundary.