GF with BPD? I feel left alone and stuck, need any advice, thanks

[betterman]

First thank you for anyone who reply's back.  I came across this site after I Google'd, "Why does my girlfriend act spiteful towards me and call me names."  Our relationship started out great.  We met at work and I thought she was cute and she came on to me first and we hit it off.  Things started to go downhill after she got hurt at work which caused head trauma.  She's been dealing with this for some time and it still causes her great stress and pain.  Though I felt things were a little off all along.  She told me she didn't know what she would do without me, that I was her rock, and that no matter what she would never let me go.  Then a day later she would act cold and push me away and want to break up.  Now she lives a little distance away from me and she can't drive due to her injury but she'll start a fight and then we break up or she walks out, then she'll come back and we'll make up. 

What hits me is the cycle of hot and cold, how she'll put me down and call me names, yell at me, tell me I'm acting like her parent, when she's with me she'll tell me its perfect but as soon as she's home she says she feels different because I'm not there and she don't know when she'll see me again.  I've recently been feeling like I've been walking on eggshells and censor myself around her.  Seems anything can set her off, and she will try and put the blame on me.  I'm not perfect but I try dam hard I'll tell you.   I feel if I pour my heart out to her it won't have much effect on her.  She will apologize and say she's sorry, she told me in the beginning she can be hard to deal with at times and that I should have a talk with her Dad so he could calm my nerves.  She comes from a kind and loving family and by all accounts she had a good and normal childhood.

I'm at wits end because I feel like I read stories on here and I feel like I'm reading about my life and relationship.  Recently she told me she doesn't know whats wrong with her and that she needs to be alone to figure out her life.  She told me she's done with me and that we shouldn't talk anymore and this was just after we had a great few days together and we were looking forward to a few planned days off together.  I don't want to believe that her feelings for me were false or misinterpreted.  I feel like I'm going crazy.  She refuses to talk to me and just wants me to stay away, which I think is a good idea ultimately.  Any advice or insight would be GREAT, I feel like I'm losing my mind

The hot and cold started after the head trauma but, that was soon as we started dating.  I know that she does have depression and anxiety.  She admits this and is making a Psych visit.  She has severe headaches associated with the trauma and they occur daily.  Why I feel it may be some level of BPD is because of the instant hot/cold, the cold always comes after I take her home and leave for a few days. 

Ive asked her to stop the name calling and rudeness and shell say shes sorry and wants to work on stopping it.  I mentioned she may have this condition, or attributes of it and that its not her fault but, that set her off and I understand.  I can pour my heart out to her and she dont say much of anything back.  It may be a combo of things, she doesnt think she has BPD but wont read about it either.  Its all very frustrating.

[hopealways]

I was EXACTLY where you were, my friend.  First, the BPD always comes on to you: they choose us we do not choose them.  They are predators and it is in their nature to sniff out their prey and latch on to him.  First they seduce you, then when they know they have you they start to treat you poorly, hate you, devalue you, and spit you out.  You must know one thing: they have no empathy, cannot love, and will not change. The last is the most important: they will not change.

You googled your issue, I stumbled upon it one night after one of our many fights when Casino came on TV and I saw how Sharon Stone acted which mirrored my BPDex.  I started shaking. I googled Sharon Stone's character and found a site that said she was playing a classic BPD woman. That is how I came to know what this illness is and the more I read about it the easier it became for me to run run run away.  That's really the only solution, as hard as it may seem.

[Aussie0zborn]

Welcome to the cesspool of BPD. You would do well to run as fast as you can right now before you are drawn into it any further.

You can see how it manifests itself on the hapless victim by reading through the topics on this board. You can see how it ends by reading the topics on the L3 board : "Family Law, Divorce and Custody".

You were smart enough to recognise that there was something wrong and enquire about it. Now that you know, you would be even smarter to put an end to it and clock it up as a valuable learning experience. What you can learn from this is to not be drawn into the web of a manipulative predator again.

[betterman]

I cant wrap my head around that she never loved me at all.  Ive also read about PTSD and that also sounds very similar to whats going on as she came from a very abusive relationship where she would get beat and put down badly.  I keep reading how alot of these BPD come from poor childhoods but, hers was normal and safe.  There were fights but many were small and wed laugh about them and move on quickly.  Just seems to set off when shes away from me.  She is on meds for seizures and daily headaches now, which dont help.  I dont want to seem like Im not seeing the forest through the trees but this is all very hard.  I dont know if shell contact me and how to go about it.  Either ignore or tell her to leave me alone and why if she does.

[vivian91]

dear betterman, sounds like a difficult situation to be in. I wanted to say a few things... .I, like you, googled something and came across your post.

The first thing is that, especially since you said she had a normal and loving childhood-- all this could really be CAUSED by the head trauma. I have BPD, and the first question any mental health professional asked me pre-diagnosis was whether I ever had any head trauma. The frontal lobe (the part of our brain behind the forehead) is what is responsible for regulating emotions and making decisions. If your gf's frontal lobe was damaged, it's very likely that her symptoms are associated with that.

So, the first issue would be to rule that out.

Supposing she does have BPD, I would like to very strongly object to the other posts on this feed.

First of all, people with BPD are not predators. They are people that suffered a great deal due to loss or instability or even abuse in childhood and adolescence and their minds formed to be the way they are in order to protect them from all that pain.

Second, BPDs do have empathy! Tons of it! And we can change and we do love! Deeply! I myself am married and my husband and I work very hard to be happy, and we do it because we love each other.

The best therapy for BPD is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. It works wonders and some 70% of BPDs have a remission of all symptoms after long term treatment.

And, if you think this girl is worth staying with (and you've ruled out head trauma as the cause), you should read the book  "stop walking on eggshells" by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger, it explains what BPD is, and what you, as a partner to a BPD can do to help yourself through the difficulties and how you can help her as well.

All this said, since this relationship seems to have started just a little while ago, and the girl doesn't seem very willing to admit she has a problem, it really might be in your best interest to break up with her and try and find someone with less baggage.

I guarantee you she did like you (and probably still does), but her brain is really confused and sends her mixed messages all the time, which is why she sends you mixed messages. It might actually be really good for her in the long run if you should break up with her explaining that you think she might have a serious problem and that you cannot accept her unwillingness to confront it and change.

Wishing you the best of luck.

[betterman]

Hi, Vivian91!  Thank you for responding to my post... .  I know the head trauma plays a lot into it but after having some time to really think about things with a clear mind and talking to others with similar head injuries I don't think the head trauma is what caused her to act like this towards me.  It's nice to hear from someone who has BPD and hear your point of view.  I do believe she loved me and felt for others, I do know that she has a dark past that she never shared with me but would briefly mention with a past abusive relationship.  After learning new things since we've been broken up I know she has certain emotional issues and though this break up has caused me pain and it's over, I still wish the best for her and hope she can one day stand up for herself and get help so she can live a more productive and happy life that she deserves.  There is a great person inside of her but everything else that happened I have to move on from.  I want to remember the positives and I can forgive her, as I am working on myself I can only hope she one day see she is worth it and can do the same.

[Garpsish]

Quote:

Supposing she does have BPD, I would like to very strongly object to the other posts on this feed.

First of all, people with BPD are not predators. They are people that suffered a great deal due to loss or instability or even abuse in childhood and adolescence and their minds formed to be the way they are in order to protect them from all that pain.

Seriously im seeing alot of anger towards BPD sufferers on this site dont be angry at them people its not their fault, if you truely love/care for this person you will forgive and forget.

[Garpsish]

Sorry for the rant 

@Betterman Forgiveness is crucial dude you can never move on till you let go of the hurt i know its hard but remember the good times

Someone once told me: If you stare to long at the door of happiness thats closed

                                You'll Wont See The One That's Opened !

[betterman]

At first there was anger as part of the grieving process but as I've learned about BPD I have come to terms with the condition and I better understand things.  I know this is not her choice and it is not her fault that she has to live with these emotional issues whichever they may be.  I do like that quote, I've saved it.  I like to think positively and am now coming to terms with the relationship and I don't hate her, I've always stood up for her, I hope she can find her own peace as well, she was a great girl.

[Love Is Not Enough]

I am glad that you have come to a better place now. You really have no idea how lucky you are and I hope you stay strong if she gets into contact with you. Reading the other stories has made me realize that I have had it pretty easy, even though this has been the most challenging experience of my life.

How long were you involved with your ex? You may have said previously, but I did not see it.

One of the most important things I have learned from all of this has been to take a long, hard look at myself. There is most likely a reason that all of this happened to you as she saw something in you that she latched onto. You also do not want to go through this again. So you have to be vigilant of the red flags in future relationships. My idealization stage lasted an entire year before she raged at me. I've always known that I have had some issues and this experience has helped me work through a lot of them. So for that I am thankful. Good luck and I hope this ends up being a positive learning experience for you.

[Garpsish]

I didnt mean to sound so judgemental betterman im sorry but i do wish people would not label them as nasty evil people to a degree its out of their control and as mentioned people usually play their own part

as much as the pain and the horrible things said and done hurts inside i still see her for the child she is inside the vulnerable person i came to know behind the mask and i will never hold resent

anyone who is feeling incredable turmoil and pain please consider your emotions are simply skyrocketing

take a read of this and pls feel free to comment good or bad thats why we are all here we need people who understand !

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=213203.msg12340525#msg12340525