BPD Mom causing relentless anxiety

[lauren2013]

I can't even tell you all how happy I am to have found this group. I feel like I've been dealing with this for 30 years on my own and I have finally found a group of people that TRULY understand every single thing that I have gone through and am going through.

My mom has BPD.  I'm actually not sure if she's ever been officially diagnosed by a therapist, but she has been diagnosed by MY therapists and there is no question that she has BPD if you look at her behavior.  Extreme rage, fear of abandonment, idealization and devaluation... .the whole nine yards. She ruins almost every close relationship she has - no close friends from HS, college, estranged from all of her sisters, etc, but yet it is NEVER her fault.  There is always a story behind what happened and it is always the other person's fault.

I have two brothers and we are all affected by her BPD, but it seems to be the worst with me.  She is obsessed with me when she isn't being extremely hateful and horrible to me.  She buys me things, wants my approval, etc.  But then she quickly turns against me and tells me what a horrible person I am and even cc's my husband on emails sometimes and insults him (but he is a saint and she loves him).  I'm sure you have all heard similar stories before so I won't bore you with too many of the details.  I could go on and on and on.  

What is happening now that I need help with is this:  I just moved to New York (she is in CA) and I also just had a baby (2.5 weeks old!).  She is OBSESSED with grandchildren and is so excited about the baby.  It makes me incredibly anxious... .like I now have this huge magnet attached to me.  I have never felt in my life like it has been more important to set boundaries so my husband and I are working on it as we speak.  They (even my dad, actually) don't seem to understand that I am an ADULT and I have my own FAMILY now and my own BOUNDARIES.  For example, my daughter was due on 9/14, but we obviously didn't know when she was coming.  Without telling us, they booked a trip out to NY for 9/12 - 9/18. When I found out i was FURIOUS.  How can you just do that and expect it to be OK?  I would NEVER do that to anyone... .I would always check with them to make sure it was OK before I booked a trip.  But they kind of just do what they want and then have expectations once they arrive.  My husband's family is respectful with boundaries.  "Are you guys around this weekend?  Great!  We'd love to grab dinner.  :)oes that work for you?"  That is how a normal family would interact.  My parents, however, just EXPECT that they would come out here and we would spend the whole time together because, well, they flew all the way out here.  I am SO scared of my mom and so scared of how she will react if I put up certain boundaries, but I NEED to. My anxiety is getting out of control to the point that after a visit with her all I can think about (obsess over) is when will the next visit be and how will I navigate it, etc.

I need help setting boundaries and I need help to not obsess over the next interaction that I may or may not have with them.  And if they do come out and they don't tell us when exactly they are coming (or even if they do and I don't want to hang out with them the entire time), how can I just say "sorry, we are busy - we'll see you XX date."  Can I just do that?  I want to be able to!

I think all of my anxiety comes from the fact that I can't just SAY things to my mom.  I can't say "this is what i want" or "this is what would be best for me."  it would either turn into a rage (on her end) or she would act like she understood and then it would come out in a later rage... .

I am 30 years old and I don't want to wait until I'm 70 to feel relief from this anxiety (when she is gone). honestly, it sounds horrible, but sometimes I think about that day and feel a huge sense of relief... .

Can someone please help me ?

Thank you for welcoming me.  So happy to be here... .

[Learning_curve74]

Hi lauren2013! i want to say congratulations on the birth of your baby, that is awesome! I hope that you are doing well, and that you and your husband are enjoying the new little one in your lives!

Also, I want to say welcome to the community here, I feel for you as to why you find yourself here but hope that you find support and help in finding ways to deal with your mother at this stressful time. 

I myself don't have kids nor the experience of having a parent with BPD, but having read the boards here, it seems like a common thing where the BPD parent gets obssessed with the grandchild. And from your experiences with your mother, it sounds like you have understandable worries about your mother's undiagnosed BPD and boundary breaking behaviors. I can only guess what it might have been like to grow up with her, but it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and have engaged in therapy of your own to address any issues you might have. 

You seem to understand the need for boundaries, but here is a short introduction about the value of boundaries which might still be helpful to review: Boundaries Tools of Respect. Here is one of the workshops on boundaries which you may also find useful: BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence.

You said your parents booked a trip From 9/12 to 9/18 to visit without consulting you. Did they come and how did it go?

This should be a wonderful time for your family. I've been around my nephews and nieces when they were newborns and understand that being new parents and the lack of sleep involved is stressful in and of itself. I hope that you find some effective ways to cope with the stress that comes from the interactions with your mother. You'll find a lot of support from the members over at the  [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board. You'll find that a lot of people are having or have had the same problems you are having, so you are not alone! Feel free to read and post as much as you are comfortable with.

Once again, congratulations to you on your new baby! A big hug to you both! 

[Reg]

Hi lauren2013,

And a very warm welcome to BPD Family !  You've come to the right place for support !

Just adding my two cents to what learning_curve74 said 

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been dealing with for so long.  Someone with borderline in your life can be very exhausting, that's the least one can say on the matter.  Although we know they can't help it themselves, it is often very hard to understand why they stay in denial and destroy so many lives, including their own.

I completely agree on the matter when you say that your in laws are interacting in the right way.  I think there are two facts that you will need to look at, setting boundaries is one of them, if she gets in a rage due to this, ignore her.  It is no good to be confronted with this, and you would do best not to allow it either.  The other thing is that you may need a talk with your dad as well, so that he understands you are on you own feet now.

BTW writing about things is therapeutic, so don't think you might bore anyone with details or so, we all are or have been there in a similar situation, one way or another, and know how it feels to be heard.

I think this may be of help to you, these are skills you can manage not to make things worse in the situation you are facing Supporting a Loved-one with Borderline Personality Disorder

I was wondering if your mom has seen a therapist and if you've adressed anything on the matter with your dad ?

Hang in there and take care ! Congrats with the baby !

Reg

[lovespopcorns78]

Welcome and congratulations on your little baby , hope all is well, Well about your mom my mom also BPD untreated but I wish my mom wanted to be there for me she on the other hand could care less if I had a child she never came to see me and the one phone call I got from her I was in tears she loves to break my heart  when I am happy , so I think it is a positive thing your mom is wanting to be there absolutley boundaries you are so far ahead of the game good for you! I would tell them to book a hotel so it gives you control over the time you actually have to spend together I think that will also have a subtle message to her you are setting boundaries and stand firm. Now that you have a new role in life as a mother I think it will help define your expectations to her of the role she can play... good luck!

[Finding Courage]

Congratulations on your new baby.  Your post is very similar to what I dealt with when my daughter was newborn.  My uBPD mom really wanted to use the new baby as a renewed means of enmeshment and her pattern of unhealthy boundaries.  I read once that BPD gets worse in high emotion situations like the birth of a new grandchild.  One thing I had to remind myself of was that my daughter is now number one in my life whether my mom can handle that or not.  I don't have a choice, my daughter deserves and needs me to protect her and be her parent.  That means I simply can no longer be a "parent" for my mom too.  She is a grown woman who is going to have to learn to manage herself.  If she can't do that, that is not my problem or my responsibility.  For me, this also meant getting very serious about boundaries.  I had to be very clear about what I needed and what wasn't ok behavior.  I found for myself, I had no emotional room to do anything less than strict boundaries. 

On a different note, I sincerely hope you are having a positive time with your new baby!  I wanted to mention though, that for me having a new baby, especially a daughter was extremely emotional.  I had some postpartum problems that were due in part from the overwhelming emotions of my past and my own negative childhood.  Having a baby brings all that to the forefront!   I had a lot of sadness that my mom wasn't there for me and couldn't help me.  I also had a lot of perfectionistic fears about how to raise a baby given I didn't have my own role model.  Plus all of the regular hormonal changes and regular overwhelming emotions of being a new parent.  So, if by some chance you are feeling all of those things, know that you aren't alone and it gets easier!  My daughter is now 14 months and I am doing a lot better. 

[Suzn]

Hello lauren, I'd like to add my welcome and congratulations on your new baby girl. What an exciting and stressful time a newborn adds to our lives! This is your first child? How are you doing with all the new baby adjustments?

I have to agree with the other posters, boundaries are important and especially for new parents. Taking care of yourself physically and emotionally is important all the time though right now adding stress can be harmful to your health. It's not highly unusual for a grandparent to be super excited about a new grandchild, especially a daughter becoming a new mom.

Are you still getting support from your therapist during this time? How did the visit go with your parents?

[Clearmind]

Obsessed with you may also translate to enmeshed with you. Enmeshed relationships are very draining and it sounds like you have a lot on your plate already.

We need to extract ourselves with the use of good boundaries. We also need to stick with them and be consistent – similar to how you are consistent and persistent with a toddler. Mom won’t like it however to live a life free of obligation we need to. Often kids of BPD parents don’t know how to exercise boundaries and protect their needs. We need to learn and relinquish the uncomfortable feeling that comes along with it.

That sense of guilt has been instilled in us as kids – we are not kids anymore and have every right to say No!

lauren2013, her telling you how horrible you are is a direct reflection of how she feels about herself – not your fault.  If she says this type of thing on the phone “Mom, I am not OK with you calling me horrible. I will talk to you when you can be civil” – hang up! If in person, leave the house.

We panic and have anxiety attacks if we honestly believe we are unable to protect ourselves. Begin to start trusting yourself that you can and will protect your family. Mom and Dad are use to a pattern of relating with you – it will take time for this to change.  Being scared is natural – we are conditioned to obey!

Mom/Dad: “We have booked a trip to come see on XX”

lauren2013: “Sorry Mom/Dad, that time is not Ok with us – in future please ask before booking a trip”.

You are not obligated to explain or justify. Mom/Dad may respond “Why?” We can simply respond with – “its just the way it is right now”.

If we don’t set boundaries we become resentful. Being resentful sucks. We will however need to relinquish our obligation and guilt. Be brave Lauren – you are worth it and your family is worth it.

[sophiegirl]

congratulations on the birth of your new baby! You are doing the right thing setting up your boundaries now, go for it! There is great advice on this site, good luck and let us know how you get on x

[zone out]

Lauren

Congratulations on the birth of your baby.

This is an excellent time to shift your focus, set firm boundaries.  If you need motivation, just look at your new little baby and think of all the good things now and in the future.

I wish I had done so when my children were born instead of running myself ragged trying to raise a family and try and keep mother happy - an impossible task.

[Calsun]

Hi Lauren,

Congratulations on the birth of your child!  That's wonderful!  I don't have children, but I can relate to the anxiety that you are expressing. My mother is an uBPD.  When I was growing up, she was violent and rageful. I'm sure she still is, now in her eighties, but I'm not around her much to see it.

I ended up with panic attacks as an adult because I had the trauma of the abuse when I was a child.  It has gotten better over time, with therapy, and really good friends in recovery.

One of my recurring memories of my mother was her storming into my room to beat me, curse at me, verbally abuse me and scream in my face.  I would literally barricade the door to try to keep her out, but she literally force the door open with me trying to stop her from getting in.  That was emblematic of my inability to maintain boundaries as a child.  I couldn't even stop her from knocking in the door to come in and physically and wildly beat me.  My father did not stop it, just let it happen.  And everyone, including myself after a while, thought of this as normal.  Best you could do was to walk on eggshells to reduce exposure to it, and hope it happened to someone else, not you.

So, as an adult, I felt weak.  I felt unable to protect myself, even though I was an adult who had tools that a child didn't possess.  It has taken me a long time to really get that, but I am learning.  I'm learning to be gentle and loving with myself, to avoid unhealthy people and to go towards those who are loving and supportive. I am the survivor of terrible childhood abuse from a uBPD mother, and I am healing everyday from that concentration camp experience.

It sounds like you have taken some wonderful steps in your life. You have a lot of awareness, you have a family of your own.  You have lots of physical distance from your mother, you've found this wonderful site.  Great that you are recognizing the need for those boundaries and learning how to establish them.  And great that you can recognize how much healthier your husband's family is, and that you have a new family that is much healthier than your FOO. 

To relieve anxiety, I am finding ways to soothe myself.  Sometimes just watching a pleasant movie or reading a book or calling a loving friend, planning a fun event.  Even connecting with pleasant memories from childhood can soothe the child inside of me.  One of the things our dysregulated BPD mothers could not do was to soothe their children.  They inflicted injury when their children needed soothing most.  They were supposed to protect us and nurture us and instead they were abusing us.  So, I know for myself, I need to and am learning how to not punish myself and to love myself gently and soothe myself in healthy ways when anxiety comes to the surface.

Best,

Calsun