The Wooing is officially over

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My BFs exw/BPD tried to woo him back over the past month.  For those of you who were following the story, I thought I'd report that she has now stopped.  She had been sending him texts and gave him a bottle of gin to celebrate the end of his cancer treatment.  Mind you, she has accused him of being an alcoholic and in fact, brought it up in marriage counseling as being one of the primary problems with their marriage.  He doesn't have a drinking problem.  She had asked him if he would date her after the divorce was final, though she knows he's in a relationship with me.  She said that she has been to therapy and has changed.

I think the 180 degree shift was a culmination of a few things, but I think that the strongest thing was this.  My BF planned to drive him and his kids to another city to visit his family and ailing father.  His ex texted him and asked if she could go along too.  He texted her back that it wouldn't be appropriate and that he would feel uncomfortable.  The very next day, she texted him that she wanted to get this divorce over with.  She's been sending nasty texts every couple of days ever since.

She's saying the exact same things that she said a year and a half ago when this all started.  Going on about the money she deserves and how he destroyed the family.  It's as if nothing has happened in the last year and a half.  It's the weirdest thing. 

Or is it?  Do they really get this stuck?  I would have thought she would have made SOME progress.  Or are some people with BPD just really unable to make any kind of progress toward acceptance?

[Tracy500]

My BFs exw/BPD tried to woo him back over the past month.  For those of you who were following the story, I thought I'd report that she has now stopped.  She had been sending him texts and gave him a bottle of gin to celebrate the end of his cancer treatment.  Mind you, she has accused him of being an alcoholic and in fact, brought it up in marriage counseling as being one of the primary problems with their marriage.  He doesn't have a drinking problem.  She had asked him if he would date her after the divorce was final, though she knows he's in a relationship with me.  She said that she has been to therapy and has changed.

I think the 180 degree shift was a culmination of a few things, but I think that the strongest thing was this.  My BF planned to drive him and his kids to another city to visit his family and ailing father.  His ex texted him and asked if she could go along too.  He texted her back that it wouldn't be appropriate and that he would feel uncomfortable.  The very next day, she texted him that she wanted to get this divorce over with.  She's been sending nasty texts every couple of days ever since.

She's saying the exact same things that she said a year and a half ago when this all started.  Going on about the money she deserves and how he destroyed the family.  It's as if nothing has happened in the last year and a half.  It's the weirdest thing. 

Or is it?  Do they really get this stuck?  I would have thought she would have made SOME progress.  Or are some people with BPD just really unable to make any kind of progress toward acceptance?

[ForeverDad]

Recovery is very unlikely unless the person can really see the impact of what they've been doing and change thinking, perceptions and behaviors - stop the Denial, Blame shifting and projection - and that is exceedingly hard to do without an experienced and emotionally neutral professional guiding the long term therapy and meaningful progress is made.  If she's not in meaningful therapy, then positive long term change is very unlikely.  And your BF can't do it because (1) they were in a close emotional relationship and she can't overcome the triggering emotional baggage of the past and (2) if he could have done it in the years past, then it would have happened long ago.

Consistently inconsistent and predictably unpredictable.

[DreamGirl]

She's saying the exact same things that she said a year and a half ago when this all started.  Going on about the money she deserves and how he destroyed the family.  It's as if nothing has happened in the last year and a half.  It's the weirdest thing.  

Or is it?  :)o they really get this stuck?  I would have thought she would have made SOME progress.  Or are some people with BPD just really unable to make any kind of progress toward acceptance?

Hi there.

My husband's ex-wife was actually diagnosed with several mental health conditions during their marriage including Bipolar Disorder, generalized anxiety, and BPD. I also know that she went thru a very extensive series of diagnostic tests about 7 years ago. In a rare, vulnerable moment she admitted that she was afraid of the results. I understood that. She also did not reveal the results to the likes of me or my husband. I'm sure out of fear and shame. It's part of her core issues... .always so worried that everyone is judging her.  

I really don't know what her clinical treatment plan was with her therapist. She's a lot like me in that she tends to be more private about it. I do know that she treats her depression and anxiety with meds. I'm also pretty sure that she is not currently in treatment right now.

Is she better then she once was? Did she finally accept that I am my husband's wife?

That isn't a question that is so easily answered.  

Sometimes she is better. Sometimes she does accept my presence. She is a creature of her emotions. So how she feels is just how she is - so it coincides more with where she is at emotionally then where she is at cognitively. Example: When she is in a relationship and getting those kinds of needs met, she does not attempt to reminisce with my husband by grieving their marriage. When she is not in a relationship, she is more dependent on him in those kinds of facets. I don't know that there is a rational "acceptance", I'm actually pretty sure there is not. It's really more about her getting her needs met and not having the skill set to do that without outside validation. My husband is the father of her children, so it makes him pretty easily accessible.  

So my answer to your questions - it really depends on any given day.

BPD sufferers tend to be extremely sensitive to rejection. So your BF rejecting her - where he probably has gone back and forth with her in the past - is going to be a situation where there's a probability she's going to lash out. She's hurt.  So you have this emotionally sensitive person whose very biggest fear is abandonment and does not have the ability to regulate her emotions... .

It makes sense she would get nasty. It's one of many dysfunctional coping mechanisms that help ease the pain.

For me, I couldn't ever decide which is worse. When she loves him - or when she hates him. So I decided not to be attached either way.


~DreamGirl

[Nope]

For me, I couldn't ever decide which is worse. When she loves him - or when she hates him. So I decided not to be attached either way.

Oh wow do I hear that! Thank you DreamGirl that is amazing advice. I've been dealing with that particular roller coaster for almost two years now. Anything perceived as even a slight rejection causes my fiance's BPDex to rage at him. Yet sometimes when she doesn't have a boyfriend she'll call him (supposedly to talk about their kids) and she'll start talking about how he wasn't a bad husband and how much fun they had as a family way back when, and how they were the best of friends, etc. Then when that gets her nowhere she goes right back to making everything as difficult as possible and blaming him for everything.

I've had a problem freeing myself from concern about where her head is at. But what has helped has been to finally realize that it doesn't matter. The only thing that changes is what she is saying. Not her underlying behavior or treatment of the people around her. Words are moot.

[SeekerofTruth]

Wow!

Recovery is very unlikely unless the person can really see the impact of what they've been doing and change thinking, perceptions and behaviors - stop the Denial, Blame shifting and projection - and that is exceedingly hard to do without an experienced and emotionally neutral professional guiding the long term therapy and meaningful progress is made.  If she's not in meaningful therapy, then positive long term change is very unlikely.  And your BF can't do it because (1) they were in a close emotional relationship and she can't overcome the triggering emotional baggage of the past and (2) if he could have done it in the years past, then it would have happened long ago.

Consistently inconsistent and predictably unpredictable.

[Tracy500]

"The only thing that changes is what she's saying."

Wow.  I love looking at it that way.  My BF's STBX follows the same cycle.  Be nice, throw guilt, berate, with a sprinkling of delusion thrown in.  She's very consistent that way.  She talks herself into thinking that he'll come back to her or that he's jealous of her boyfriend or that he's warming to her.  Then she gets a dose of reality (for instance, when he and I went away for a weekend together) and she gets nasty all over again. 

"Consistently  inconsistent and predictable unpredictable."  While she's frequently predictable in her patterns, you never know what you're going to get when you deal with her.  Once you realize where you are in the cycle, you can predict her with amazing accuracy.  Sometimes I appear to be psychic!