What can one do to try to reduce his stress level?

[MammaMia]

Hi, simenora   

I don't have any experience with the symptoms and behaviors you are talking about, but there's an Informational Thread on here that might answer some questions for you:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Dissociation and Dysphoria

In that thread, there are 2 links to research articles that also might help you:

About BPD and depersonalisation and dissociation:

www.aapel.org/BPD/BLdissoUS.html

About BPD and lying, remembering facts different than others:

www.aapel.org/BPD/BLlieUS.html

It seems that what you all are talking about are fairly common as Co-Morbid disorders that sometimes BPD sufferers also have. I think you'll learn a lot from the links above... .I hope this helps you understand your child a bit more 

Thank you for the links.  I found them to be very interesting, and in all likelihood exactly what my son is dealing with as part of his BPD.  What can one do to try to reduce his stress level?  Listening does not work.  Empathy does not work. Validating does not work.  Asking what I can do to help does not work.

My dBPDs just wants to talk for hours on end about his perceived situation but do nothing to help him understand what is really going on.  He often asks me why other people do certain things... .as if I would know.  The best answer I have found so far is "I do not know why".  He goes through many senarios of what "could" be the logic behind the actions of others until I could scream.  Everything is pure speculation on his part.  He is obsessed with what the neighbors are doing and thinking.  Everything is negative and directed toward him.

There does not seem to be a way to get through his delusions and dissociative episodes.  He is in a constant state of high anxiety and is hyper-vigilant.  I have suggested he might benefit from anti-anxiety medication.  The last time he was on medication, he totally lost it, so he is afraid to try anything, and I really do not blame him.

I wish I knew how to help him, but he waxes and wanes between blaming me for his situation and wanting to share every detail with me.

He was at my house again last night until 3am this morning.  Talking, talking, talking.  :)id not want to go home. I offered to have him stay overnight but he is allergic to my cats.  I also told him if he wanted a night or two away from his situation, I would pay for a motel room.  He said no to both.  He has no friends to help him.

I am emotionally exhausted.  I cannot imagine how tired he must be.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[js friend]

This is a hard one,

It does sound like your son may be depressed MammaMia.

I know this will sound weirrd but have you tried agreeing with him when he moans. I have a friend who was very negative for a while and i was alwaysa great listener until one day i decided i would just agree with everything she said... .and you know what it stopped her in her tracks. she totally wasnt expecting that reaction and in the end we had a good laught about it. It may not work with your son though if he is entrenched in his feelings.

Has your ds spoken to his gp or a t about how he feels?

He may benefit from a mood stabiliser to lift his mood or talking is great therapy.

... .is it a possiblity he will look into speaking to a professional.?

I can totally understand how exhausted you must be feeling if you are going round and round in circles and always feel as if you have to jolly him along.

[MammaMia]

Thank you J's friend

dBPDs claims he is not depressed.  I have asked him to see a doctor and his reply is that there is nothing wrong with him and I need to stop implying there is. He would be just fine if the neighbors would leave him alone.  He has no job and no health insurance, which adds to the issue of seeking medical care and different housing.  I own the home he he lives in rent-free and support him financially.

One neighboring house is occupied by girls in their early 20's who moved in this past spring.  He has ignored their efforts to make contact by being pleasant but not interested. He is 39 but could easily pass for being in his mid to late 20's.

And he is handsome.  They do not get that he just wants to be left alone.

The other neighbor is a kid in his mid 20's who allows his dogs to bark.  He has been spoken to multiple times but there are no animal or noise ordinances because this is a small village... .not a city.  He is irresponsible when it comes to the privacy and rights of others.  He has been a problem for everyone the past 2 years, despite multiple attempts by the sheriff and neighbors to stop the dogs from barking.  We put up a privacy fence which has helped some.

There you have it... .the perfect storm.

It seems to help him when we talk about the situation.  When we try to intervene with the neighbors, things get worse in his opinion.  

A once quiet neighborhood has become a war zone.  That part of his

thinking is real, altho because of his BPD everything is magnified x 100 for him and he really believe he is being targeted and watched by everyone.

I know relocating him may help but am not sure how to accomplish this financially.  At this point in time, I am not sure he is able to support himself due to his BPD.  Never keeps a job for more than a few days and has a felony DUI on his record from 7 years ago when he was drinking.  He has been sober since.

Sorry for the length of this post but it is a complicated situation.

[Kate4queen]

This is a really tough one.

It sounds as if your son is using you as his sole emotional outlet and that you feel as if you have to help him as much as possible because of the situation he is in and maybe so that he doesn't go off at the neighbors?

I totally get the obsessing over things part. My son would go round and round and round analyzing every tiny detail, not listening to any advice and never letting go of anything.

The only thing I found that helped was not making myself so available to listen to him. I'd let him circle round once, make noncommittal statements and then hang up or make an excuse to leave. Later I'd suggest  that if he needed someone to talk to there were-these services (gave him helpline #'s names of counselors, etc)

I had to detach for the sake of my only mental health because I was becoming as paranoid and jumpy as he was.

Do you feel as if there is any way you can detach from him even a little bit? I know it must feel frightening to contemplate because we always worry what they'll do next.

I remember my therapist telling me that I had to let my son fail that it wasn't my responsibility to micromanage his life and make things easy for him. I found that very hard to put into practice but I did and I'm at a much healthier place mentally now and more able to help my son.

[six]

not sure you can reduce his stress level, but instead I would try to focus on how you can take care of yourself in this difficult situation

I am familiar with those endless circular conversations that go nowhere.  I agree that it is an outlet for entertainment and socializing for the pwBPD, while it is a way to go quickly insane for the rest of us.  I also agree that not being so available to the pwBPD is key.  as long as he has you to be his audience, why would he need anyone else?

I  find that my logical explanations for things have never been accepted by him.  he always knows better and he sticks with his analysis as if it is the only possible version of the facts.  pointless to try to get thru to him.  I try very hard not to go down that path.  when he says why do you think this is happening, I say, I don't know, what do you think?  and then I leave it there.  he is really not looking for my wisdom.

For me finding some peace in my home has been my true challenge.  I have tired to create space in my house that nobody can intrude on.  For example, I will say, "Honey I am not available to discuss this right now, but we can make a time to talk tomorrow between 10 and 11."

it has also been very helpful to me to have places to go to regain my space and privacy (the gym, a park, a pool, a friends house, a course/class). at times, I have even left my house and spent time at my parents to get away.  Is there any place you can go to rejuvenate?

[peaceplease]

Mammamia,

At first, I thought you were asking about reducing your stress level.  As I know about the talking marathon, both of my kids have talked my ears off.  When my son does, I know that is a side effect from either an opiate or amphetamine.  He is prescribed Adderall, and abuses them.  And, on opiates, I just want to hit a mute button.  My daughter takes Adderall, too.  I don't believe she abuses them,, but she is on methadone for opiate addiction.  So, those two together, plus her natural mania episodes are too  much!   I want to run when I know they are in "ramble" mode.

My uBPDd will take great offense if I mention anything about her excessive talking.  And,  like your ds, she does not have anyone else to talk to most of the time.   For my own sanity, I will think of something that I have to do, so she does not get too upset.  I will listen to her for a little while, as I know that she is anxious.  I have been trying to pinpoint if the Adderall makes her more anxious.  There have been times I know of that she was just being manic and was not on the Adderall.

As far as your ds stress, it is up to him to find the remedy.  Talk therapy, medication, or both?  He should not rely totally on you.   I know that I get stressed from too much of my dd's verbal explosion.  That stress makes me irritable to others around me.  It is not fair to me or to them.  So, for all of our sakes, I will find some excuse to exit.  And, that is for the sake of my dd, too.  Six made an excellent suggestion. I will do that with my dd.  She still gets angry, but when I give her a call to continue conversation, she is over it.

It does sound like your ds has a difficult neighborhood.  Perhaps, some earplugs, and some type of noise to drown out the barking dogs.  I can relate to that problem.  We have a neighbor that lives behind us with a barker.  A fan and closed window helps tremendously to drown out the noise.

[MammaMia]

Thank you for your advice.  I appreciate it, and am sorry some of you are also  going through this craziness.

I think your suggestions are good and need to find a way to exit these very long

circular conversations and to try to avoid some of them all together.

The neighbor issues have escalated.  Time to reconnect with law enforcement

about intentional harassment and trespassing on our property in the middle of the night.

The fun just never stops... .