Do we ever really get over them?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So last night I found my ex on the dating site I am on (but really rarely go on) because she came up as a match for me! I would have found this before except I don't spend much time on there so I never really looked down to the bottom of the list or there she would have been. I should not have even looked but I did look... .much to my regret.

This past couple weeks I have suddenly found myself physically attracted to her again, and when she has been nice or I see her interact with our daughter I find myself thinking "wow maybe I made it all up" or "maybe it wasn't that bad" which I have not thought in a while. Then I go to the thoughts of wanting reconciliation even though every single friend of mine and my great lawyer have all essentially told me they would beat me upside the head if I even considered getting back with her (of course she would have to want to which she only kinda seems to want right now) so that helps me from acting on anything.

So last night when I saw her, and we had a 94% match on there, and everything she described she was looking for was almost to a "T" describing me or what I thought we had, I wavered between crushed and horrified/appalled. Although when I read through it more and she stated things like she is devoted, loyal, honest and what she wants (all same things we had been working to have or had) a small part of me laughed, and a big part felt sad. It wasn't until today that I realized why, after talking to a friend. It was that I was/am afraid she will find someone else that is better than me or that she treats better or finds those things with. Basically that the grass is greener on the other side. Thankfully that friend has known me longer than the EX but lived with us for a year and knows the ex now pretty well. Her words to me were along the lines of reminding me gently that it may look like that, assuming that she gets a response from anyone and it turns into anything, but in the end it will end the same way and it won't be any different just a different guy. That was helpful to me, but it is hard to believe.

Maybe it is that on the 17th we passed what would have been our 2nd wedding anniversary even though we had been together 5+ years, or that we sign papers for our legal separation on the 28th. Last year on our anniversary she gave me this card filled with promises and hope and wonderful things I thought she meant. All during the fall was filled with promises, hope, etc for the most part. I was just barely starting to question perhaps she might have something besides bipolar. So it was not until a week before Thanksgiving last year that things got even uglier than they had been from August till October. Anyway though so it has been a much harder emotional struggle for me again, much more than anticipated. I think I really clung on to that card and those words and gifts as proof she would come back or it wasn't true rather than seeing her actions.

Anyway I was just so surprised when I saw that last night it really threw me for a huge emotional tailspin, much more than I ever expected. I took this weekend off from working because I had become a workaholic the past couple months. Now I remember why I did, because this is so painful and to not be busy reminds me of that. It makes me worry I will never recover or get over her.

[thisyoungdad]

So last night I found my ex on the dating site I am on (but really rarely go on) because she came up as a match for me! I would have found this before except I don't spend much time on there so I never really looked down to the bottom of the list or there she would have been. I should not have even looked but I did look... .much to my regret.

This past couple weeks I have suddenly found myself physically attracted to her again, and when she has been nice or I see her interact with our daughter I find myself thinking "wow maybe I made it all up" or "maybe it wasn't that bad" which I have not thought in a while. Then I go to the thoughts of wanting reconciliation even though every single friend of mine and my great lawyer have all essentially told me they would beat me upside the head if I even considered getting back with her (of course she would have to want to which she only kinda seems to want right now) so that helps me from acting on anything.

So last night when I saw her, and we had a 94% match on there, and everything she described she was looking for was almost to a "T" describing me or what I thought we had, I wavered between crushed and horrified/appalled. Although when I read through it more and she stated things like she is devoted, loyal, honest and what she wants (all same things we had been working to have or had) a small part of me laughed, and a big part felt sad. It wasn't until today that I realized why, after talking to a friend. It was that I was/am afraid she will find someone else that is better than me or that she treats better or finds those things with. Basically that the grass is greener on the other side. Thankfully that friend has known me longer than the EX but lived with us for a year and knows the ex now pretty well. Her words to me were along the lines of reminding me gently that it may look like that, assuming that she gets a response from anyone and it turns into anything, but in the end it will end the same way and it won't be any different just a different guy. That was helpful to me, but it is hard to believe.

Maybe it is that on the 17th we passed what would have been our 2nd wedding anniversary even though we had been together 5+ years, or that we sign papers for our legal separation on the 28th. Last year on our anniversary she gave me this card filled with promises and hope and wonderful things I thought she meant. All during the fall was filled with promises, hope, etc for the most part. I was just barely starting to question perhaps she might have something besides bipolar. So it was not until a week before Thanksgiving last year that things got even uglier than they had been from August till October. Anyway though so it has been a much harder emotional struggle for me again, much more than anticipated. I think I really clung on to that card and those words and gifts as proof she would come back or it wasn't true rather than seeing her actions.

Anyway I was just so surprised when I saw that last night it really threw me for a huge emotional tailspin, much more than I ever expected. I took this weekend off from working because I had become a workaholic the past couple months. Now I remember why I did, because this is so painful and to not be busy reminds me of that. It makes me worry I will never recover or get over her.

[Perfidy]

I believe it's a question of semantics. We get through it but not over it

[Accepting]

I hear you.

I saw something today which totally reminded me of 'him' and am now feeling like the ten steps forward I've taken have gone 15 backwards. I want to contact him via his online dating profile n say 'it's me you're looking for... .what you're describing as wanting on your online profile is what we had... .remember?'

It's making me feel a little sick and upset. I just want reality to not be what it is. I want him to be normal. To have the normal future a regular couple has. It's a mind ___ to put it bluntly.

Just need to get through this insane patch of craving.

[Lady31]

thisyoungdad,

My heart aches for you.  I understand the pain you are feeling.  I found my (recent) exh on a site after he got crazy to the point I HAD to call the cops and he was removed from the house.  Well, actually, I found out he was actually on there BEFORE while we were still living together, I just didn't know about it until after.  He used all these falsehoods in his profile.  Pics from 6 to 8 years before, lied about his age saying he was 36 (he's 40) and listed himself in an entirely different part of the country.  I think all that was so myself nor anyone who knew us would ever stumble upon him by accident, but so he could troll around hitting up women while he was waiting for the divorce to go through to boost his sick ego.  Of course, hooking up with them in real life I am sure as soon as we weren't living together and he could get away with it.

It hurts. There is no way around it.  Especially the part where it seems they are stating they want all these things, AS THOUGH THEY DIDN'T JUST HAVE ALL THAT WITH YOU.  Uh, WHAT?

Sick sick sick they are.

I almost started a post that just said "If I could kick him in the ... .I totally would."  Then I decided against it.  LOL.

That is the pain of it all, that they will find this fulfillment and happiness with another and we just weren't it.  I still struggle with that, actually was doing really well and just recently finding myself feeling this way for some reason.  HOWEVER - your friend is 100% correct!  They are not CAPABLE of sustaining healthy relationships.  The new guy(s) (when she does find them) will only be there for HER.  She doesn't really care about what she can OFFER them.  She acts crazy and horrible because she can't help herself.  Which means she won't be able to help herself when with anyone else.

You can take that to the bank.  When I think about all the stories I have heard from his past friends & some family regarding ALL his past relationships - this gives me further evidence that he has always been this way.  So all that hurts me as well, BUT - I know that mine may feel a high and be all excited with some new beautiful woman (he is EXTREMELY attractive and finds women VERY easily), and he may be all "love struck" and ego stroked by how much they are into him - but after a short phase he will be done with her too, and the next one, and the next one, and the next one... . And somewhere in there when all the initial rush wears off and he is still left with his own empty, depressed, cruel self - it's going to hit him hard.  All that he has lost.  

Quite frankly, I was his wife, and I have an old school belief when it comes to marriage.  He will not be allowed to just walk away into the sunshine with all things rosy after the horrible abuse, lying, abandonment, breaking his vows and cheating.  

These people can justify and reason all they want - but the truth is the truth.  There are consequences for your actions, and you don't get to just bypass all that.  

While I don't want God to ruin him or any of that - I do trust fully that he will hold him accountable.  You can't live your life that way and do all those things with no real repentance/trying to make things right/taking responsibility and expect the blessing to flow in your life too.  It doesn't matter what kind of master manipulator you are or who you can hoodwink, it isn't going to work with God.

So to me the answer for you is very very simple and sure.  She will NOT be happy with someone else.  Not going to happen honey.  

[Accepting]

Lady, I'm hanging on to your words right now. Gosh this is hard.

[Lady31]

Accepting,

I'm so sorry.  I know it's hard.  Another thing I have noticed to be true - when you aren't around to blame anymore for all that is wrong - what do they do?

They blame who IS around because they obviously don't look at themselves.  SO - after a time (if there is another), they will reach the devaluing stage with them because they can't sustain a good loving relationship (and they don't really feel love toward the other person anyway) and they need someone to be responsible for all the darkness inside themselves and THEN... .

They start "remembering" YOU differently as well.  You are no longer the cause of all their problems.  This is when many here get the recycling attempts.

Hang on - hang on - hang on.  The pain you are feeling is TEMPORARY.  You won't feel this way forever.  Look back at an old relationship that was serious.  When you think of them what are your feelings now?  Are you sick missing them?  Are you still heartbroken over them?  Do you care if they are with someone else?  NOPE!  I know many people say this relationship was like no other - but it really doesn't matter.  (Part of that I think is just because this is the one that hurts right now - the memory of the pain of old relationships is dulled because we have healed.)  Bottom line - this is not forever.  It's for right now, and maybe some of our immediate future.

That's it.  We are going through to the other side... .and they are stuck in hell.  Don't feel too sorry for them though, it's their choice to stay there.

[Accepting]

Usually I do much better at getting a grip on things. I'm definitely having a hard time of it today for some reason. I know tears will help me feel better afterwards. Today is the closest I've been to breaking no contact. Not meaning to thread hijack either. Just feeling incredibly saddened n humbled by this whole experience today.

[patientandclear]

Accepting & Youngdad:

It is so hard to believe that the fact that we are all that they say they are seeking does not make a difference.  But bear in mind they are opposed to those facts right now. Those facts are disturbing and threatening.  If that were true, the implications are that they have to change themselves.  If they found what they are looking for & it still got so f'd up, that means ... .they have to look within & see some really scary things.

It is easier to change the inputs (new partner).  That explanation goes along with "there's nothing actually wrong with me!"

For all human beings, that's an attractive idea.  There's nothing wrong with me, I just need to find the right place/person/career, and it will all be great!

The questions you are wanting to ask your ex, Accepting, are in a weird way his nightmare.  What if you ARE the one.  And he still feels so bad.

[thisyoungdad]

I completely understand, I wanted to message her and say that same thing, like "hello, I am here, we are here, everything you state you want is right here you had it... ." which includes her/our dog she abandoned with me. She even states how she would love to have to dog! I actually did laugh at that one because she has refused to help with him at all, either with paying for vet bills, helping me get him to the vet because my job has longer hours, watch him for a weekend etc. I thought to myself she is so full of B.S

It does feel like a mind F*#@k though... .that is for sure. I think that is why I was spinning the 24 hours after I saw it because as a relatively healthy person (still working on all my own issues) or at least one who doesn't have this disorder I just couldn't grasp it. I think that is what hurts or makes it hurt is my inability to grasp most of it. It is so illogical and messed up. She can't even think about what is best for our daughter, despite always saying everything she is doing is best for our daughter.

The same friend I spoke of also jokingly tells me she needs to find me a new woman so I can move on. She knows I still need time, but sometimes I wonder if she isn't right.

[samthewiss]

i feel your pain. What you are going through is what we all experienced. perhaps if you understood what was really going on in the relationship you might be able to heal faster.

I included a link

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=211683.0

View

Reply #2 on: Today at 12:20:17 PM »

[bettermentofsociety]

We will get over them.  I slipped up in the past few days and looked at my ex's FB page via a fake account, but I know I am healing.  She looked beautiful and stunning, however, I felt a sense of calm in knowing I am moving on and getting over her. 

Hang in there.  Know that you are SOO MUCH better off without the PWBPD in your life.  Just remember that. ... .I am trying to do the same!

[thisyoungdad]

samthewiss- Thanks for that link.

patientandclear- You are so right, if she admits that she had something good, that her friends and everyone was right, the what she wanted she had, then it still got screwed up than perhaps she might have had a part in that. The idea she would be in any way at fault is apparently too much.

I dont' get how her, or anyone really can see a relationship falling apart as one sided. I also don't understand how she can pretend to take responsibility while really not.

[willbegood]

I believe we get over the person but what they put us through lingers and haunts us for a long time.

I certainly wouldn't worry about a BPDex finding someone better. I always hope my ex finds someone who triggers her a lot less than I did in hopes she can have somewhat of a reasonable life.

[Turkish]

They are not CAPABLE of sustaining healthy relationships.  The new guy(s) (when she does find them) will only be there for HER.  She doesn't really care about what she can OFFER them.  She acts crazy and horrible because she can't help herself.  Which means she won't be able to help herself when with anyone else.

You can take that to the bank.  When I think about all the stories I have heard from his past friends & some family regarding ALL his past relationships - this gives me further evidence that he has always been this way.  So all that hurts me as well, BUT - I know that mine may feel a high and be all excited with some new beautiful woman (he is EXTREMELY attractive and finds women VERY easily), and he may be all "love struck" and ego stroked by how much they are into him - but after a short phase he will be done with her too, and the next one, and the next one, and the next one... . And somewhere in there when all the initial rush wears off and he is still left with his own empty, depressed, cruel self - it's going to hit him hard.  

So is mine. Quite pretty, charming, plays the waif well... .which is what happened to her affair with the "kid".

But I know what happened in her past relationships. She was very honest. And I know that while she can medicate for a while all blissful, she is still the same person. They will leave or cheat, and she will leave... .or cheat now that she has a "taste" for it. Since we will co-parent, it will be likely I will meet a new guy or two... .though hopefully she is wise enough to have it last quite a while before she brings them into the lives of our children. Not much I can do about that, and it's reality; I have to accept it.

In the end, however, I know what will happen. She knows it too on some level... .but she "needs" to do it. I was the longest, by over 4 years. She may never last that long for quite while. But unable to have children with anybody new, and not having that stress (since we will split 50/50), maybe she will make it work... .after a fashion. It will hurt seeing her with some "hot" guy, more than me. But I will know what will happen behind closed doors. It makes me sad, but also personally hurt a little less.