Dumped today by text message

[Khenkis]

Hello Butterfly,

I myself was dumped through text after my four year relationship with my exBPDgf. So, I can relate to where you’re coming from; it’s a sudden excruciating shot to reality. Why does he want to be "good friends" and how come he just can’t honestly tell me about the other woman vs. telling me he wants to be "on his own & single"?

Truth of the matter is that only he holds the answers; which you will never get when an individual with BPD is involved. These questions are just one of many which you will encounter on your path to recovery. Overall, you’re already doing an awesome job by posting on the forum.

As Confusedandhurt has suggested, I highly recommend reading posts/articles you can find here.  It truly sheds light on things.

Just about everyone on this forum has been with someone with BPD so we can relate to the pain (which is beyond words) of what each other is going through. Hang in there Butterfly and remember that we're all here for you!

[butterfly141]

Thank you so much everyone  ! It is comforting to know that there are people that "understand" 

as time is going slowly the fog is lifting and as I read more and more I am mesmerised and saying wow my exBPD bf is REALLY sick. I am understanding as to why he has done what he has... .not seeing me for 2 & 1/2 months when I was so sick the crave for him with this illness to be wanted would've of been boiling inside, I look back now at times when I had rung him when I as close to over my illness bout and think he wasn't where he has made out to me to be so this girl was in the picture earlier than I presumed, but it makes me think he cant be honest with me so what on earth was he saying to this other girl, that I was a ex already? when in fact I was his gf of 8 years and we were talking of moving in together, what would've he done if we did move in with this girl he was seeing behind my back? just disposed of her as an object her job was done ? I still seriously cant believe he hid his FB profile from me and 9 out of 10 of his friends were female. He sent me a random text last night at 10pm it said " why couldn't of you just looked for a job and place to live down here"... .is he still just playing mind games? did he send that text to just make himself feel better and yet again lay the blame on me?  what kind of person doesn't wait for their gf of 8 years to get better so they can finally live together and be happy? instead play behind their gf back because their bored and ditch me by text to play with fresh meat... .yep sorry I'm angry today

[butterfly141]

oh my lord I seriously cant wait till I get my stuff back then I can go NC... .what a doozy of a day I am just going with the flo with him so I get my property back... .I receive a text at 12.30 on the dot from him it is his lunch break saying "hi" as in can you ring me so I ring we are talking general then I asked for my tent and camping bed etc I said you can keep my toaster and that as I don't need them were I am going he freaks out finding out I am moving out of town from my parents he says I think you should stay at parents you will go backwards blah blah blah he got so upset at me so I turned around and said well you are the one that wants to be "on his own and single" and wants a "woman that lives on her own with no children"... .later on today he sent me another msg saying if you got this text after saying to someone "is it wrong for me to miss you" would you worry... ."Its not wrong to miss me but I don't miss you at the moment cause im still getting to know you" I questioned him who sent him that? he claims that I did years ago but I know that's not true my assumptions are right he is trying to woo another girl he is spending time with and he sent it to her and that is the response he got... .GOOD LUCK TO HER 

[butterfly141]

What the hell is going on with my exBPD he is loosing the plot ! He seriously thinks everything is my fault he blames me for everything I have issues what on earth?   he doesn't understand why I didn't move in with him, am I to move in with someone that threatens, he just said to me I am lucky that he didn't hit me when he went off in my car and I deserved it, I deserved everything I got, he doesn't understand the times I tried to walk away from him was because of after he abused me or threatened me, he just doesn't "get it" at all he seriously believes I am at fault I seriously don't think it is a good idea to meet him while he is in this state of mind searching for answers he will never "get it"... .the cheating, the lies, the deceiving ~ he recons he warned me every time before each gir but he didn't there were times when I hadn't done anything to warrant him cheating on me at all! He kindly called me fat, an ass, self centred, uncaring and I supposedly didn't love him um ok so I put up with all of that when I didn't love him for 8 years, so he got bored while I was sick and goes and spends time with another girl then now that I am better he dumps me by text but it is ok because he "warned me" that he was falling out of love with me I seriously do not believe him doing that AT ALL! Sorry I am venting

[butterfly141]

Mmmmm I seem to be talking to myself, one more day and he is gone have arranged to get my belongings safely... .I got accused of being a stalker and harassing people... .can I ask someone this and mind you this is after I have found my exBPD bf on dating websites while with me and some of them were bisexual ones, I have caught him out flirting via text and email and sending photos of his private parts to total strangers on the internet... .ok question... .I was on FB two weekends ago while I was still his GF and this profile came up asking "do you know this person"... .I said WOW yes its my BF so as any GF would do I ask him why are you on FB? He outright denied it to me and said what are you talking about? I noticed that 9 out of 10 of his friends were female so I asked him who on earth are all the girls I didn't know any of them nor has he mentioned any of their names to me in the last 8 years, so he went off at me threatened me, called me a psycho bhit, so I sent a personal message to the girls asking "how do you now (my boyfriends name)" I got no reply because evidentially he told them that I am "trouble" & have "issues"... .but meanwhile he is telling me that he loves me... .so know he has had a dig at me today about this making out that I have problems, isn't this what you call projection? When will he accept responsibility for his behaviour? He recons he was screaming out for my love over the three months I was sick but he got tired and bored 

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Thanks I got into a text argument with him this morning he is taking no responsibility for his behaviour and totally blaming me for us not working out I feel like hitting my head against the wall ! He is still making out there is no one else does he seriously think I am that stupid? and haven't worked him out after eight years

Hi butterfly,

I am sorry for what you are going through. My situations sounds very much like yours although not quite as long a relationship but no less painful.

Yes they will lie through there teeth about there being someone else. The last rage from my ex was we were making dinner talking and he started showing me a picture on his phone of work then was showing me a picture of a woman. Something went off in my head and I brushed it off like I wasn't interested in seeing it. He flew into a rage and called me jealous and insecure. That was it relationship over. He was gone. No conversation nothing. Well through texts to him as he was silent I called him out on my suspicions he left for her. The only responses I ever got were simply that I'm crazy and he never cheated on me.

I knew in my heart but 3 mo out I found out 2 days ago. I drove by her house and saw his truck there. I then found out from friend who's mom works for same company it was common knowledge they had been together all the while we were.

They lie, lie, lie... .It's what they do! And to think he was forcing me to look at a picture of the woman he was cheating with me on.   Sick!n

[connect]

Hi Butterfly,

This is crazymaking at it's hardest. I am still with my BPDbf but he has dumped me a few times. On each occassion he has made me feel as though it was my fault - it clearly wasnt - unfortunately the nature of this type of behaviour can make you doubt yourself.

I have a tip for you. Write a letter to yourself. Write it NOW - while it is all fresh in your mind. Write down all the reasons that you have not caused the breakup. It may be handy for when you (almost inevitably) start doubting your own truth. It may help you - 

[Iwalk-Heruns]

What the hell is going on with my exBPD he is loosing the plot ! He seriously thinks everything is my fault he blames me for everything I have issues what on earth?   he doesn't understand why I didn't move in with him, am I to move in with someone that threatens, he just said to me I am lucky that he didn't hit me when he went off in my car and I deserved it, I deserved everything I got, he doesn't understand the times I tried to walk away from him was because of after he abused me or threatened me, he just doesn't "get it" at all he seriously believes I am at fault I seriously don't think it is a good idea to meet him while he is in this state of mind searching for answers he will never "get it"... .the cheating, the lies, the deceiving ~ he recons he warned me every time before each gir but he didn't there were times when I hadn't done anything to warrant him cheating on me at all! He kindly called me fat, an ass, self centred, uncaring and I supposedly didn't love him um ok so I put up with all of that when I didn't love him for 8 years, so he got bored while I was sick and goes and spends time with another girl then now that I am better he dumps me by text but it is ok because he "warned me" that he was falling out of love with me I seriously do not believe him doing that AT ALL! Sorry I am venting

Butterfly,

In reading this it also helped me with my situation. Sometimes when you see someone else going through the same it becomes clearer which is one of the reason these boards are good.

Please be very careful of buying into anything he says. I think the mind games are one of the most damaging things they do because it make you question your sanity and makes it harder to detach. They love the mind games and know they are doing it. It gives them pleasure to have that kind of control.

My ex used to do the same exact things your describing. Crazy making conversations, gas lighting. They do it to keep us off balance and yes everything is your fault. My ex said the reason we broke up is I'm jealous and hard to get along with. Meanwhile I was kissing his ass and walking on eggshells so that's BS. All the while he was with someone else and leaving me for her. We are his excuse for his behaviors. That's all! This is why no contact is important. I feel like I need an exorsism. Seriously!He is the devil.

Iwalk

[Iwalk-Heruns]

And there is never a true moment where something has 'truly' killed a bond or not.

Cheating? People are not meant to be with 1 single partner for the rest of their life (Jorge Bucay... )

Harmkrakow,

I have to call you out on this statement. I have a problem when people make these assertions as if they are absolutes! That is fine if that that is your opinion but I do not believe that to be true and I don't think many people here do either. Just because some supposed expert say it doesn't make it true.

If you do believe that I hope you let the people your with know this so they can make an educated decision about being with you.

If my ex was honest with me about this I would never been in it to begin with and could have saved me a world of pain. I told him at least George Clooney is honest about being a serial womanizer and every woman who gets involved knows this. I don't like his behavior but he is honest about it. It's the dishonesty I hate.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Sorry. Must be doing something wrong to make my reply look like a quote. I'm new at this.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

And there is never a true moment where something has 'truly' killed a bond or not.

There is to a strong degree. Depends on your boundaries. You may not wish them ill, but you may wish them nothing whatsoever after a certain point, but to stay as far away as from you as possible. Cheating on me? R/S is dead in the water right there. Out of my life. I can't look at him the same way again. Bond is broken. Terminally.

I may 'care', but I care about the bird with a broken wing in the park more. It's relative. When a human being chooses to act in a gutless manner? They will be stepped over. Life goes on.

The manner in which this bugger has treated Butterfly141 is completely unacceptable. He "devalued" / deselected himself from the pleasure of being in her life, as I call it.

For me, boundaries like that, are too strict.

Killing, stealing, crime, whatever would be a no-go out of my life within an instant.

Cheating? People are not meant to be with 1 single partner for the rest of their life (Jorge Bucay... ) That does not condone cheating, but it does mean that communication is ridiculously important. Cheating can often be prevented by having talked about each others problems... The cheating as in, "I got drunk, high, and wanted to get laid" fall of course in the line of, bye bye, never want to see you again. Because that's stupidity, and that's something I don't condone

Even if it is a boundary. Should you throw a mother in jail, who killed a person who raped and murdered her 3 young children? I'm not saying YES or NO, i'm purely saying that keeping strict boundaries is questionable. I for example, I don't have boundaries. I let everyone in who wants to get in. If I don't like it or I feel being used, they can go ___ off. But i'm not going back to the process of months and months building up something and then still being ___ed over after.

Harmkrakow,

I have to call you out on this statement. I have a problem when people make these assertions as if they are absolutes! That is fine if that that is your opinion but I do not believe that to be true and I don't think many people here do either. Just because some supposed expert say it doesn't make it true.

If you do believe that I hope you let the people your with know this so they can make an educated decision about being with you.

If my ex was honest with me about this I would never been in it to begin with and could have saved me a world of pain. I told him at least George Clooney is honest about being a serial womanizer and every woman who gets involved knows this. I don't like his behavior but he is honest about it. It's the dishonesty I hate.

[butterfly141]

Thanks for the replies tomorrow is the last day I have to have contact then its NC for me, he has made out to everyone on his side of the fence that I have issues which erks me to bits but as I have read, this is what they do I also believe that my exBPD bf has NPD traits, he really just needs to learn the hard way now and I am walking away from him for good, seriously after the abuse & threats I copped the other day and he sends me a "hi" message & he expects me to talk to him like everything is a ok after dumping me by text and cheating on me AGAIN, but its all my doing mmmmmm ok no worries

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Good about no contact butterfly!

Yes as I was reading yours this morning and thinking about my situation I am actually believing more and more mine is more NPD than BPD. I think the behavior is very similar but the intentions seem to be different. Npd seems more deliberate and uncaring.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Thanks for the replies tomorrow is the last day I have to have contact then its NC for me, he has made out to everyone on his side of the fence that I have issues which erks me to bits but as I have read, this is what they do I also believe that my exBPD bf has NPD traits, he really just needs to learn the hard way now and I am walking away from him for good, seriously after the abuse & threats I copped the other day and he sends me a "hi" message & he expects me to talk to him like everything is a ok after dumping me by text and cheating on me AGAIN, but its all my doing mmmmmm ok no worries

Mine after abrubtly running out and going silent, abuse, cheating has the nerve to send me a words with friends request and waves to me when he sees me out for my walk. May seem relatively minor to some on the outside but it is infuriating to me almost like he is rubbing everything in my face and shows he has no shame or care at all of the suffering I even told him he has caused. He doesn't care. In fact they say don't let an NPD know you are suffering because that brings them pleasure.

[butterfly141]

Yes Iwalk they enjoy to know that they have inflicted hurt, horrible horrible people, mine has been saying things since we have broken up to get to me I just trying to let the words run off like water off a ducks back, I actually said to him tonight that I knew how he worked and he can say what ever he wants to me to try to get into my head but it doesn't work anymore 

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Hang in there. We are here for you.

[HarmKrakow]

And there is never a true moment where something has 'truly' killed a bond or not.

There is to a strong degree. Depends on your boundaries. You may not wish them ill, but you may wish them nothing whatsoever after a certain point, but to stay as far away as from you as possible. Cheating on me? R/S is dead in the water right there. Out of my life. I can't look at him the same way again. Bond is broken. Terminally.

I may 'care', but I care about the bird with a broken wing in the park more. It's relative. When a human being chooses to act in a gutless manner? They will be stepped over. Life goes on.

The manner in which this bugger has treated Butterfly141 is completely unacceptable. He "devalued" / deselected himself from the pleasure of being in her life, as I call it.

For me, boundaries like that, are too strict.

Killing, stealing, crime, whatever would be a no-go out of my life within an instant.

Cheating? People are not meant to be with 1 single partner for the rest of their life (Jorge Bucay... ) That does not condone cheating, but it does mean that communication is ridiculously important. Cheating can often be prevented by having talked about each others problems... The cheating as in, "I got drunk, high, and wanted to get laid" fall of course in the line of, bye bye, never want to see you again. Because that's stupidity, and that's something I don't condone

Even if it is a boundary. Should you throw a mother in jail, who killed a person who raped and murdered her 3 young children? I'm not saying YES or NO, i'm purely saying that keeping strict boundaries is questionable. I for example, I don't have boundaries. I let everyone in who wants to get in. If I don't like it or I feel being used, they can go ___ off. But i'm not going back to the process of months and months building up something and then still being ___ed over after.

Harmkrakow,

I have to call you out on this statement. I have a problem when people make these assertions as if they are absolutes! That is fine if that that is your opinion but I do not believe that to be true and I don't think many people here do either. Just because some supposed expert say it doesn't make it true.

If you do believe that I hope you let the people your with know this so they can make an educated decision about being with you.

If my ex was honest with me about this I would never been in it to begin with and could have saved me a world of pain. I told him at least George Clooney is honest about being a serial womanizer and every woman who gets involved knows this. I don't like his behavior but he is honest about it. It's the dishonesty I hate.

I apoligze for coming over as 'absolute'. This was not meant this way. I just believe people are not meant to be with 1 person for the rest of their life. Not that they have to cheat, but it requires a great set of skills and admiration to turn the beginning passion into compassion and continue with someone.

I'm more of a science'y douche, I believe chemicals will eventually run out and it's up to the 2 of you to make it work for the rest of your life.

[HarmKrakow]

If my ex was honest with me about this I would never been in it to begin with and could have saved me a world of pain. I told him at least George Clooney is honest about being a serial womanizer and every woman who gets involved knows this. I don't like his behavior but he is honest about it. It's the dishonesty I hate.

I think everyone agree's with this one anyway.

[Bananas]

Butterfly and Others,

I was also dumped by text.  My ex runs around telling everyone I am "psycho".  We work together and in the beginning he was sending me those "Hi" messages or stopping to talk to me in the hall as if nothing ever happened.  And yes, my ex has heavy N traits. 

I know it is not for everyone but NC is the best thing for me.  I do not make eye contact with my ex when I see him at work.  This was the hardest thing for me to do, but it is the best for me, and it does get easier.  I found that even smiling at him in the hall was enough for the cycle to start again, and it always ended the same, with suffering on my part.   

Now when I pass him in the hall he hugs the wall, hangs his head down and stares at the floor.

Good luck, we are here for you!