I resent what appears to me as her taking advantage of us...

[Prayingmom_2013]

Hi all,

My husband and I adopted our daughter, who is now 22. We brought her home at 4 days old.  It was a semi open adoption. We knew that their was a lot of mental health illness, drug and alcohol addiction, criminal activity in her biological maternal side.

Naively we thought that was all a product of environment.

We had a normal childhood with our daughter. She was a happy, loving, adjusted infant, toddler and pre-teen.

During 6 th grade we started to see a change in her personality. By 7 th grade we had her psychologically tested.  She was identified with ADHD,  Cyclothymic Disorder. Around that time she also had some seizures and was diagnosed with Benign Rolandic Epilepsy, which she outgrew. In addition she developed Hashimoto's disease. (Thyroid)

By the time she graduated high school, she had BPD and depression added to her health list.

Her strongest symptoms are alcohol and drug abuse and promiscuity.

She has been let go of every job she has had. Even the one she claimed to love the most ( to our horror) , exotic dancing.

She has moved in and out of our home ever since graduation from high school.  

I am always willing to give her a home if she is taking her meds and seeking counseling.

However my biggest need in support is in setting realistic boundaries for her when she is living with us.

As you are all well aware, living with a BPD person can be HORRIBLY stressful. It has caused a lot of stress to my husband and I and our marriage.

My goal was for my husband and I to be able to attend a counseling session once in a while with our daughter to help us set reasonable boundaries that we can all live with. However our daughter is refusing to allow that.

Our biggest issues with her at home are:

She goes out several times a week to party, staying out all night. I resent providing her with a home and support when she is hurting herself in that way.

She does not work and balks at looking for a job as she says she is too stressed/fragile emotionally to work.

She frequently forgets to do the very simple, basic few chores I ask her to do in our home and is verbally abusive to me when I express my frustration with her.

My husband and I have always had to work hard and be financially shrewd to have the simple, but comfortable home and life we have. While I am willing to support our daughter if she is trying to help herself, I resent what appears to me as her taking advantage of us and I don't want to be an enabler.

I welcome any constructive suggestions that you have found to have been helpful in your own situations that might be similar to mine.

Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Hi Prayingmom_2013,



Welcome to this community! You have found the right place. There are many parents here with children who suffer from BPD. We understand your struggles, and are here to offer support on this journey with your daughter.

As parents we hope our child will grow up to be healthy and happy. And when that doesn't happen, it brings a profound sadness to our life on top of us trying to help our child in overcoming their obstacles... .

We have a whole board on this site for parents like you: Parenting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board

You will find valuable resources there as well as support from senior members, who will be able to offer advice on the issues you are dealing with. As far as the resources, this is a great place to start: What can a parent do?

Welcome again, and please feel free to check out the parenting board, you can start posting there too.

[bluebell7]

Hello Prayingmom_2013, welcome.

My first post was about what I call ground rules.  Boundaries are different, I'm sure -and my daughter doesn't live a risky lief style, but I can share my experience... .

My youngest daughter is 20, she struggled all of her life with a mood disorder, ADHD, anxiety and depression.  She has been diagnosed with BiPolar disorder since middle school and had one hospitalization for anxiety in 9th grade.  Since graduating from high school, she has been angry, defiant and impossible to live with.  Her life is chaotic and an emotional roller coaster that makes life miserable for the family and is destroying our relationships.

She denies that she is unhappy and feels powerless to make positive changes in her life, while refusing to take responsibility for herself and blaming her difficulties on ... .me.  But she wants to be happy and is in counseling.   

I tried to work things out with her, by attending a few of her counseling sessions.  It was not a positive experience... .I reacted badly to what she was saying.  I wanted her to listen and to agree to things that seem so basic for living together... .But, her therapist suggested that I see a therapist so we could have a session with the two of us ... .but supported by the therapists.  It took me about 2 months to understand why that was a good idea and I'm so glad I did it.

I met with a therapist on my own and she realized that my daughter has BPD.  She suggested a book, that lead me to 2 other books and then this website! 

The first advice that helped me is to validate my daughter's feelings and follow SET (a technique for communicating that can defuse a conflict).

I try to validate my daughter in many different ways and this has brought us closer.

Then I try to separate my feelings and anxieties about the situation from whatever issue is in front of me, but to also separate my feelings about her... .from how upsetting it is to see her struggling with this illness.

I also try to make time to be with her and enjoy her, to do something relaxing- this is very hard!  Because so much remains unresolved between us... .

I also had to sort out my feelings about guilt and regret about my relationship with her and the family issues that set out lives on this path.  Not that I blame myself for this, but that's a different conversation... .

So now, we've had one session with the two therapists but guess what-  we've been more relaxed with each other and we're starting to listen to each other and I'm hopeful.  Many of the problems aren't solved yet, but they are getting easier to live with.  I needed to learn that she experiences her life differently than I understood... .she needs to grow through this and it will take a long time.  My therapist asked me if I'm i this for the long haul.  I want to be a positive influence in her life, but I can't continue to live the way we were... .I have a lot to learn.  I need to re-think a few things... .  She needs to experience the consequences of her actions and I need to set clear- boundaries and stick to them.  I learned that there is a lot of hope!

This is getting long so I'll stop now, hope something in this can help you-  Good Luck,   Take Care... .

[BioAdoptMom3]

My DD is 14, but other than that our stories are very similar.  She too was adopted by us, abandoned by her birth mom and came to live with us at 17 days.  Like your DD, she seemed to have a normal, happy childhood with the exception of a lot of separation anxiety.  She also began to have problems in 6th grade, has been diagnosed with anxiety,depression, mood disorder and now BPD traits.  Main symptoms are different for us - cutting, eating disorders, suicidal thoughts and relationship issues, but it could be because she is younger. I am thinking as a PP suggested, that you may want to seek out a counselor of your own for you and DH.  :)oes that sound reasonable?  From that person you may be able to get some suggestions as to how to best help your DD along with how to deal with your own stress.  Two books I have read which have helped me greatly are "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier, which focuses on issues adopted children have and which are very similar to BPD issues and Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning Phd..  In the second book there was a lot of helpful advice for living with somone who is suffering from BPD.  I have also found this site to be extremely helpful and supportive!  

[lbjnltx]

Hi Prayingmom__2013

So glad that you found us and are reaching out for support and information.

Creating boundaries is a very necessary skill for our own well being. For me, personally, once I had boundaries in place I felt more powerful in my own life and relationship with my daughter.  Once I had that power I moved from victim mentality to a place of compassion and had more peace of mind.  I was/am more able to learn, be less fearful, less resentful and more hopeful.

Boundaries are about us.  They are a reflection of our values in action.  They are meant to protect us and teach others who we are and how to treat us.  The setting and enforcement of our boundaries can be a difficult process sometimes.  Here is some info to help you determine your values and subsequently set your boundaries:

www.lifevaluesinventory.org/

Boundaries:  Living our values



A reoccurring term in your post is "resentment".  It is vital to move beyond resentment to get a foothold on your life, situation, relationship with your daughter.  Being in victim mode surely does feed our resentments and vice versa.  I found that once I understood my daughter's behaviors as being rooted in her disorder and her attempts at trying to get her needs met that I was able to be more compassionate and less resentful.   

Resentment isn't a healthy state for anyone.  It keeps us stuck in a cycle instead of moving forward.  Hopefully you can grab hold of something in this workshop that will help you get out of this cycle:

SELF-AWARE:  Has the anger gone too far?

Ask any questions you may have about this info and let us know your thoughts about it.  We are here to support you on the path towards a more peaceful and fulfilling relationship with your daughter.

lbjnltx

[Prayingmom_2013]

Hi,

I am not sure how, or if it is possible to reply individually to you all.

You have all been very helpful in different ways.

Lbjnltx, you are right about the resentment. I recognize it and want to do what is necessary to not feel it.  I appreciate the link for lifevalueinventory. I used the time I had when BPD daughter was in a counseling session today to complete the survey and plan to utilize the site. Thank you.

Bioadoptmom3, my daughter also has had episodes of cutting and suicidal thoughts.  I appreciate the book recommendations. I have heard of the Primal Wound before. I will add both of them to my reading list. Thank you.

Bluebird7, thank you also. I am interested in SET. I appreciate what you said about how difficult it can be to simply have a relaxing, enjoyable time with her. It is hard!

Thank you all.

[pessim-optimist]

Hi again Prayingmom,

You have received good advice from others. There is so much to absorb, feel free to ask questions and ask them again, if you need to... .Take it a step at a time. All the skills take time to learn and to perfect the practice.

The SET stands for (Support, Empathy, Truth), and it is a very effective comunication technique with persons w/BPD (actually, it is great for everyone). You can find more info on that in the box to your right under the heading 'TOOLS' - you can click on it and read.

It is great to hear the motivation in your post!

I like what lbj said about resentment. I have felt a lot of resentment toward my step-daughter too. Then I read that it was an indicator that I have ignored my frustration and anger for too long and let it turn into resentment. And also that anger is our ally, if we learn to utilize it properly - as a red light, so to speak, that there is a problem, and that something needs to change.

So now, I am learning to use both in a positive way as allies, not only with my step-daughter (sd), but also in regular life. If I feel resentful, I inspect it, asking myself - what have I ignored for too long? If I am angry, I ask myself 'ok, what needs to change here'?

[kitkat12]

You have just told OUR story almost to the letter. Our daughter was adopted at 8 days. Birth mother was 21 and quite reckless. I thought nothing of that (wanted a baby so bad... .you overlook so much). She was a happy baby,toddler and youngster then about 6th grade things started to go sideways. She was caught shoplifting and ran with a tough crowd. She had trouble with grades and nearly didn't graduate from HS. She had speeding ticket after speeding ticket and several accidents. Insurance dropped her. Big problem! Turns out we were BLIND to most of what she was up to. A year ago I told my husband that we have to get her to an ER. She was running away and stealing money and credit cards from our wallets. Bottom line is we did get her to a hospital (that was not easy) and she was diagnosed with BPD. Since that time she has been in 2 residential treatment programs, they gave us a "break" on cost as our insurance company doesn't cover residential... .24k instead of 30k! for 30 days.She has been in and out of our house and our lives for the last year. She comes home and within 2-3 days s--t hits the fan and she is gone again. She has attempted suicide 3 times in the last year. She has sent me heartbreaking emails describing her pain and emptiness but she is unreachable. The mental health community is WACKED. Frankly I am more afraid of these 'professionals' than our daughter. Life is scary and dark. Help!

[qcarolr]

Feeling taken advantage of, manipulated, disrespected... .  All these build a wall between my BPDDD27 and I. Yet, it is such a leaky wall that keeps us connected in many unhealthy ways. For me, there is some kind of fear underlying these other feelings. My fears and my DD's fears. Neither of us get into a 'wise' place to make choices when covered by fear.

Most of the links under "TOOLS" at the right have helped me to become aware my fear and work toward moving myself into a more loving place to connect from. First to find ways to take care of myself - and not feel 'bad' about it. As I gain personal strength, understand what my core values are, and am able to figure out ways to protect those core values in my r/s with DD, then we can move in a more positive direction.

It is still PAINFUL AND HARD, yet it becomes POSSIBLE.

And I have found more and more professionals in my community that advocate these same ideas in working within the mental health and justice areas.

I have to continuously come back to this base. I get off track, filled with fear, fall back into ineffective old patterns. I am so grateful for the awesome support network I have in place now - my friends here, with the county mental health center, in my new church... .I cannot do this alone anymore. And to keep working on my marriage - BPD in a child takes a heavy toll here even as dh has stepped up to carry a greater parenting role with both DD27 and gd8.

Newbies - give yourselves time to learn, to practice, to find ways to show your love and care for your kids even when they cannot show you how valuable it is in the moment for them. BPD is so very very much about living in an overwhelming emotional state -- alone and in fear.

There is always hope.

qcr

[pessim-optimist]

 

Welcome to our board kitkat!

I am sorry it's all so scary and frustrating... .    Adoption used to be looked at as a happy alternative to having biological children. Unfortunately, the research at that time was not as advanced. I bet nobody told you all those years ago, that adopting a baby was most likely going to be a commitment to a child with tremendous problems. Being an adoptive parent is such an important job, though - my hat is off to you!

Have you had a chance to read The Primal Wound? It's a wonderful book that might help heal some of the pain you have gone through as the adopted parents and it might help you understand your daughter better as well.

Keep in touch, we are here to support you on this difficult journey.

[kitkat12]

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement.I have read so many books on the subject of BPD and they always paint such a scary picture... .hopeless. This diagnosis has completely turned our family inside out. We have tried to get help but either doctors are not taking new patients or they are not taking BPD patients. Our daughter has been prescribed so many drugs which thus far have done nothing except to provide the tool for her suicide attempts.No matter how much I read I still can't figure out what to say or do that doesn't set her off. I still have hope and faith that God will help us through this time. If I lose those two things... .well I'll be cooked. Thanks again for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

kitkat12 - sorry it took me so long to read your reply.  There is hope, and having faith has kept me from giving up so many times.

There are lots of tools and skills in the sidebar to the right. These have helped me so many times. As I have learned new ways to communicate and relate with my BPDDD27, things have gotten better. It is still a bumpy road, and the intense resistance to being consistent with our boundary about her homeless friends not being in our home made this past year very challenging. Our DD has mostly been one to externalize her emotional pain - projecting rage and blame. Part of my job has been to learn to accept this without judging her or taking it personally. Not easy. It is so much more scary for us as parents when there are suicide threats or attempts. My heart is with you, and prayers for your D's safety.

My experience with meds. - DD has had very negative reactions to many of them. She also is not consistent in taking them, and often adds street drugs to the mix. When she has been in a controlled environment (ie. jail or her current highly structrued probation - harassment conviction) she does better. The meds. treat her anxiety, depression, and insomnia. There are no meds that directly treat BPD. This can be treated with a few specific therapies - see lesson 5.

Keep coming back. We care. We understand.

qcr