I am a mess worrying about gf

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I don't know what board to post this in because I don't know the status of my r/s with the BPD on/off gf.

She is facing serious criminal charges which no doubt are related to her BPD. An unintended benefit is that she has finally gotten a diagnosis and treatment as a result of her legal problem.

I did not expect her to be charged with any crimes after talking with her and spending time with her but they came down last week and now she has to go to court etc. and maybe jail.

In the last 2 days I have been in sort of a crisis mode where I am almost dysfunctional with grief and worry.  This is not like me to worry. I don't know why this has me almost on my back.  :)oes anybody have any idea?

Ironically she has never behaved more "normal" then now. Now she is normal and I am crazy... .and just when it seems she is at a point where her emotional health is improving I can lose her to the state.   It is like a sick joke in our intertwined lives.

It is like all of her stuff is now in me.

Her personal situation could not be much worse.  I am carrying the cross it seems and she is in peace.

This is super confusing and I don't understand why this is happening.  I will try to elaborate more lucidly if I can later.

Thanks for listening.

[nowwhatz]

I don't know what board to post this in because I don't know the status of my r/s with the BPD on/off gf.

She is facing serious criminal charges which no doubt are related to her BPD. An unintended benefit is that she has finally gotten a diagnosis and treatment as a result of her legal problem.

I did not expect her to be charged with any crimes after talking with her and spending time with her but they came down last week and now she has to go to court etc. and maybe jail.

In the last 2 days I have been in sort of a crisis mode where I am almost dysfunctional with grief and worry.  This is not like me to worry. I don't know why this has me almost on my back.  :)oes anybody have any idea?

Ironically she has never behaved more "normal" then now. Now she is normal and I am crazy... .and just when it seems she is at a point where her emotional health is improving I can lose her to the state.   It is like a sick joke in our intertwined lives.

It is like all of her stuff is now in me.

Her personal situation could not be much worse.  I am carrying the cross it seems and she is in peace.

This is super confusing and I don't understand why this is happening.  I will try to elaborate more lucidly if I can later.

Thanks for listening.

[Accepting]

I think when things get really tough for them sometimes they are able to resume an external appearance of normality or calm cos they have stirred everything up before hand and perhaps they knew the storm they were creating was coming. On the other hand, the other party is shocked because they see the results of the unstable persons actions all coming into fruition and want to stop the speeding train but can't.

[nowwhatz]

I think when things get really tough for them sometimes they are able to resume an external appearance of normality or calm cos they have stirred everything up before hand and perhaps they knew the storm they were creating was coming. On the other hand, the other party is shocked because they see the results of the unstable persons actions all coming into fruition and want to stop the speeding train but can't.

maybe all is catching up with her and me for staying involved. i think the combination of treatment, anti psychotics, and reality setting in is putting her in a place of more stability.  too late perhaps.

yes I am shocked but shouldn't be. i am also in a spot where i have to be careful by association with her so as not to be drawn into any crossfire.

stupidity reigns in my soul when it comes to this person. after this week a lot of questions will be answered.

ironically my T dropped me or graduated me out of therapy last month 1 day before the gf contacted me on my birthday.  today i have to call the hospital and tell them i am in some kind of crisis and need to get back in to see the T and possibly get sleeping pills etc.

well... .if she goes to jail for 6 mos or more then that will put a damper on the recyles I suppose. 

logic and my friends all say stay away... .don't touch her with a 10 foot pole etc... .but the magnet is always on and I can't reach the off switch yet.

[Surnia]

So sorry to hear this nowwhatz.

I think it is a good idea to contact the clinic and the T again. 

Its okay to be shocked.

Do you know what exactly is a shock for you? Is it out of the blue for yout that she is perhaps involved in criminal things?

[nowwhatz]

So sorry to hear this nowwhatz.

I think it is a good idea to contact the clinic and the T again.  

Its okay to be shocked.

Do you know what exactly is a shock for you? Is it out of the blue for yout that she is perhaps involved in criminal things?

Well... .I had a somewhat cavalier attitude about this recycle and she seemed strangely normal.  Her explanation of the alleged criminal stuff was a rosy scenario to say the least, which I bought into and she has yet to be arrested.   I expected there to be some sort of criminal prosecution or the investigation dropped but the charges are mega serious... .not what I expected... .if convicted could be years in prison.

I have never known her to be involved with criminal things and the allegations themselves are from an event which occurred before I knew her (over 2 years ago). It is hard from me to believe she could be guilty of what she has been accused of... .but I know people with BPD can be deceptive to others and especially themselves. She has an excellent lawyer and the anti-psychotic meds they have her on seem to be working incredibly well... .a silver lining perhaps.

I guess I am shocked by the seriousness of the criminal indictment.  Whatever she is to me or has been or will be we are attached so I suppose the shock is normal... .even if the r/s is not.

Also I feel snake bitten in a sense because finally she is on the right meds and getting treatment and things between us are good but oh yeah she is going to jail. Like what the heck?

Thanks very much for your reply.  I have a little break from work and am going to call the T now.

[Surnia]

Also I feel snake bitten in a sense because finally she is on the right meds and getting treatment and things between us are good but oh yeah she is going to jail. Like what the heck?

Yes, this is a hard part.

And I would be shocked too, when my partner would be accused of serious crimes!

Good you will have an appointment with a T again.

The best what you can do right now is to get some ground under your feet, taking good care of yourself. Its a bit of a delicate situation also for you, regarding legal things.

Keep posting here, it will help. 

[nowwhatz]

Also I feel snake bitten in a sense because finally she is on the right meds and getting treatment and things between us are good but oh yeah she is going to jail. Like what the heck?

Yes, this is a hard part.

And I would be shocked too, when my partner would be accused of serious crimes!

Good you will have an appointment with a T again.

The best what you can do right now is to get some ground under your feet, taking good care of yourself. Its a bit of a delicate situation also for you, regarding legal things.

Keep posting here, it will help. 

I will thank you.

I reviewed the summons and charges and they are super serious of the white collar variety.  She has never had any trouble with the law but these charges probably mean she is going to jail tomorrow, unless there is some way her lawyer can argue release on own recognizance.   We are talking major felony charges.

Despite whatever problems I have had with her in the past I have tried to be as nice as possible to her in the last couple of weeks to help keep he mind off the nightmare,if I can.

I think I still love her and have to admit her treatment and meds (along with the sobering reality perhaps) have transformed her into the person I always thought she was inside, but would only get fleeting glimpses and snapshots.  It is a shame she could not find a way to get into some type of treatment earlier... .maybe none of this would have happened.

I am her only "friend" here.  All of her family is in mexico. I am in no financial condition to help her if she gets bail etc.  Although she says she will not last 3 days in jail and will kill herself there... .she is just scared (I would be too!).  OTOH as she is the ultimate survivor if she goes to jail I have no doubt she will be "fine" because of her amazing social skills. If she gets convicted and accepts a guilty plea there is a good possibility she will get deported.

All I can do is hope and pray things go well.  This is not the way I expected things to ever turn out. I thought I would not have heard from her for a while or would have maybe had a few more typical recycles until I was over her.

Damn.

[Surnia]

[I think I still love her and have to admit her treatment and meds (along with the sobering reality perhaps) have transformed her into the person I always thought she was inside, but would only get fleeting glimpses and snapshots.  It is a shame she could not find a way to get into some type of treatment earlier... .maybe none of this would have happened.

This is not unusual- a huge impact from outside can be a weak up call.

And a challenge for you too, there are so many facts in it you cannot control or change like the legal stuff or the possible expulsion.

Do you have something to help you stay grounded? Like friends, exercise or something else?

[KateCat]

Nowwhatz,

Am I mistaken, or did you recently write that your friend's ex-husband has been paying for attorneys and psychological evaluations for her in her present crisis? (I'm sure you know what my question is: it's one about boundaries, triangulation, and whether your involvement in her life is fair to others at this time.)

It's got to be hard to know what to do with your own emotions at this time, for sure.