He diagnoses me as mentally ill.

[izzitme]

Do any of you have the experience of your BPD partner diagnosing you as mentally ill?  my uBPDbf has diagnosed me as depressed, having anxiety issues and suffering from PTSD from childhood trauma.  In fact our relationship mostly causes these feelings in me.  He pays for me to go to therapy because he feels that fixing me will stop all of the relationship problems that he feels stems from my childhood.  Both the therapist that he sends me to (an expert in EMDR) as well as the therapist that I sought to help me through my divorce a few years ago both feel I am free of personality and mental disorders, but can firm up my self esteem.  The divorce therapist feels this won't happen as long as I'm in this relationship.  I am rethinking the EMDR specialist because I don't want to validate his idea that I am ill by going but I do get something out of it.  This specialist was his ex wife's therapist as well as his son's.  uBPDbf also sees this therapist from time to time but feels like nothing is wrong with him and that it is unecessary.  BF also has taken me to couples counseling because my reactions to his push/pull raised "red flags" about me. 

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[musicfan42]

Oh my god! My BPD ex called me "narcissistic"! He talked a lot about his painful childhood and it was depressing listening to it really. All I wanted was an enjoyable relationship... not to be an agony aunt to someone...  I was realistic and knew that it was totally out of my depth. I told him to go to therapy... that I couldn't deal with it... but that obviously meant that I was this narcissistic bhit blah blah...

I would imagine that your BPD ex is just projecting all his issues onto you... .

[bpbreakout]

It's complicated ! No one is perfectly well adjusted in every way least of all me. I have seen therapists from time to time to help deal with a wife who has major issues and at one stage to deal with a job loss. Her current diagnosis is BD+ PTSD from a traumatic childhood, she was previously diagnosed BP2 but that's under review from a new doctor.

My BPDw blows all my "issues" out of proportion, so whilst her critsicisms have a grain of truth about them I know she does this in part score points to make herself feel better & avoid facing things about herself. So it's true that I am distant at times but there again I get like that when she is aggressive as I don't want to buy into all the crazy stuff. The more she does this the less I feel like communicating & the more her original accusations become "true".

On the other hand I have got frustrated with her for not getting help when I think she should have done. Mainly when she has been unstable, highly aggressive or when her abusive behavior is affecting the children. She does see someone now & I sincerely hope she feels it's in her interests rather than because of any pressure from me. She has said at times she is only doing it because of me, which I don't believe. She also has a way of claiming credit for decisions that I have made for myself - alos a thing I think is to do with keeping control.

Maybe something similar is happening with you (ie BPD partner projecting his issues onto you) . If it is your feeling that therapy is helpful for you then it sounds as if ntinuing to see someone is a good choice for you to make for yourself. Whatever the case the only person who can diagnose you is a psychiatrist,

[izzitme]

Thank you both musicfan2 and BPbreakout for answering my post.  Sounds like you both have had similar experiences and that brings a measure of comfort that I am not alone.  Musicfan2, I love the comment about being an "agony aunt" because I am in a similar boat.  Experiences and problems shared in a back forth intimacy is one thing, vomitting problems is draining and I'm glad you decided that you want better than that.

BPbreakout, I feel for you living in an at times volatile situation but I am glad that she is getting help.  Your comment that no one is perfectly well adjusted all of the time was so validating!  I bought the recommended book that was featured on the sign in page yesterday called "The High Conflict Couple" and it also has been incredibly validating that my reactions are common and real and there is a better way to deal that is empowering.  I really need that to rebuild my self esteem.

[musicfan42]

Oh you're welcome izzitme:)

I heard of this thing from CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) that really helped me... that there's a difference between an opinion and a fact. If someone says "the sky is blue", then that's a fact... it's objective and everyone can agree that it's true... there's evidence behind it. Whereas if someone said "I don't like your shoes", then that's an opinion-it's subjective... not everyone would agree that it's true... there's no evidence behind it. It's just one person's opinion.

You have proof/facts from your therapists that you are free of personality and mental disorders. They're experts in their field so they know what they're talking about. Your borderline partner is just giving his opinion on this issue-there are no facts to back this up but with borderlines, they often confuse facts with feelings. If they're feeling something strongly, then they think it must be true... it must be how the situation really is. It's an example of distorted thinking really.

I find it helpful to use this method when I'm given destructive criticism. I think "where is the proof behind it? is there any evidence/truth behind it?" I agree with BPbreakout that some people can criticize for ulterior motives-to manipulate/put you down basically.