Letting go of friends that might have BPD traits

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I had to let go of a friend recently who was eerily reminding me of my borderline ex.  Some of the behaviors were similar, but not extreme.  Somewhere on the board I read that everyone has a bit of BPD traits in them, or did I dream that? I wonder if I will always feel suspicious of any BPD traits in people that I become friends with?

[letmeout]

I had to let go of a friend recently who was eerily reminding me of my borderline ex.  Some of the behaviors were similar, but not extreme.  Somewhere on the board I read that everyone has a bit of BPD traits in them, or did I dream that? I wonder if I will always feel suspicious of any BPD traits in people that I become friends with?

[musicfan42]

Yes this is also an issue for me! I'm wary of people that mirror me too much-that are too influenced by me! Anyone that lies. Anyone that craves attention/external validation. Anyone jealous.

I find myself looking for traces of personality disorders in anyone I meet now... .not just BPD but things like NPD, HPD, DPD. I also try to detect whether people around me have eating issues/eating disorder, low self-esteem, depression! If someone mentions dieting too much, I think "aha! some kind of food problem!" I also try to avoid waifs, weird older men, anyone who is aggressive/domineering, control freaks, anyone bhity... .

I'm probably paranoid now. 

[goldylamont]

i know it's definitely something i think about. i just don't want to associate with someone who can be that cruel to other people, you know. at the same time the reality of the situation is that most people really only care about what is going to affect them personally, so, say a guy is a pimp but he's fun to be around, most people are like, well, he's not pimping me!

i don't know i really haven't been truly tested yet in this so maybe unfair to speak on it. but honestly i don't think i want to be around these people even if they aren't posing a threat to me, but then they are openly abusive to others.

I'm probably paranoid now. 

LOL  , PPD

[Ironmanrises]

I have noticed... .

The BPD traits... .

All around me.

My hypersensitivity... .

To it now... .

Makes all of my CIWS guns... .

Activate automatically... .

At ghost targets... .

At phantoms... .

At people who are not close to me... .

At people... .

That just exhibit... .

One trait of it... .

Say one phrase... .

That summons to mind... .

Her.

That other side... .

And my CIWS guns... .

Start firing... .

Everywhere... .

At nowhere.

Paranoid... .?

Then why is... .

My Ironman suit... .

Ripped in pieces... .

I ask... .

I hate this f¥cking disorder.

[KE151]

Yep, I (think I) see more PD traits in people now, BPD or NPD mostly. Both in new acquaintances and old friends. But it's not really like diagnosing people, it's more about "I don't want a person who thinks/talks/acts this way in my life, not anymore". Weirdly, I would have found many of them appealing before my BPD experiences and thought of them as interesting individuals. Maybe my own BPD experiences are still too fresh but I have the feeling my look on people's personalities may well have changed for good. Yes, I have minimized contact to some old friends who I have sensed are not good for me.

[letmeout]

OH great, I just re-experienced a blast from the past.  

When I left my BPD ex, I moved into an apartment building for the first time.

Just now there was a domestic violence incident in the apartment next door; the man was screaming a blue streak at his girlfriend. I don't know who called, but four cop cars showed up at least.

This reminded me of what I left behind,  but it feels awful to be exposed to that behavior again. Even though it was next door, it threw me for a loop bringing back the memories in a raw and fresh fashion!

[caughtnreleased]

I admit there are a few friends around me who seem to exhibit very similar traits to BPD.  I haven't decided to let go of them, but in a sense I do find them less appealing, and I'm just not that interested in hanging out with them as much. Prior to my knowledge of BPD, I found my friendships with them always leaving me very dissatisfied, and instead of being conscious of it, I would constantly try and find fulfillment with them somehow.  My interest in them has now waned, significantly.

[letmeout]

I have noticed that too unhooking. I have been avoiding a few old friends because I just don't enjoy being around them anymore. Some of their behaviors remind me of my ex and my tolerance for it isn't there anymore.

[Learning_curve74]

Personally, I don't think in terms of avoiding "borderline traits". I just don't want to associate with people who are morally bankrupt. There are plenty of other awful things people do that are not BPD traits.

I guess the way I think about it is that life is too short to waste it with people who bring you down.

[musicfan42]

Personally, I don't think in terms of avoiding "borderline traits". I just don't want to associate with people who are morally bankrupt. There are plenty of other awful things people do that are not BPD traits.

I guess the way I think about it is that life is too short to waste it with people who bring you down.

Yep... I'm reluctant to use "borderline" or other personality disorders to describe people. I tend to say that they're selfish, self-absorbed etc... just negative character traits really.

[Century2012]

We (humans) are all scared of being hurt.So we do at times "test" a bit to make sure the other person really cares. With maturity in a mature relationship, this nudge will subside.

You are probably experiencing the self-questioning and over-analysis that comes with a relationship with a BPD.

Before I learned about BPD, I had friends I had to let go. I now see that they had symptoms.

I saw them as people who created messes that I had to clean up. I resented that.

[letmeout]

Now I avoid dramatic emotionally extreme personalities because they suck the energy out of me. I shouldn't label other people, but I can't help but to feel suspicious of those who exhibits any characteristics of my ex.

[Changingman]

She slowly

broke everything

and I laughed

lost in the cabaret,

wild as her.

At the end

Nothing

But

Pain

shame

Humiliation

And what could have been.

Some escape from hell

Some are hell escaped

[Changingman]

I see it often, now, a 21 year old 'fell' under a cab on Saturday. On Friday apparently his girlfriend had a fight with him and bit right through his upper lip and split up with him. Saturday he got drunk all day and then has the accident.

In a pub and the Barman says goodbye to a girl and her guy, when they left he said

God, my acting skills worked there, she's my ex came in to show me her fiancé and that she's pregnant, best sex I've had though... .I asked if she drank, panic attacks, up and down emotions, etc he said do you know her.

They're everywhere. Careful

[KHC_33]

Yep, I (think I) see more PD traits in people now, BPD or NPD mostly. Both in new acquaintances and old friends. But it's not really like diagnosing people, it's more about "I don't want a person who thinks/talks/acts this way in my life, not anymore". Weirdly, I would have found many of them appealing before my BPD experiences and thought of them as interesting individuals. Maybe my own BPD experiences are still too fresh but I have the feeling my look on people's personalities may well have changed for good. Yes, I have minimized contact to some old friends who I have sensed are not good for me.

Exactly!

[starshine]

I've become hyper-aware of BPD/npd/aspd traits also.  I have cut many relationships out of my life- those that are non's but tolerant of the b**ls**t and bad behaviors of pwPD didn't make it to this round either.  My friend and associate list has gotten quite meager, but everyone on that list is quality, the real deal.  I am still rebuilding here, and I don't have time for those that endorse bad behavior or treat me poorly.

[caughtnreleased]

I've become hyper-aware of BPD/npd/aspd traits also.  I have cut many relationships out of my life- those that are non's but tolerant of the b**ls**t and bad behaviors of pwPD didn't make it to this round either.  My friend and associate list has gotten quite meager, but everyone on that list is quality, the real deal.  I am still rebuilding here, and I don't have time for those that endorse bad behavior or treat me poorly.

It's amazing how so many people excuse that bad behaviour... .Or are subconsciously drawn to it. Pds have such a rich feeding ground. So many people just dying to get chewed up and spat out again thinking they're special enough that it will eventually stop.

[ucmeicu2]

i'm relating to everything said in this thread. 

i had 2 good friends.  1, a 15 yr friendship, i kicked to the curb last yr ~ her "N/BPD traits" reached a level even i couldn't cope with. 

now i'm struggling w/ending a 29 yr friendship due to her "issues" shall we say.  i used to find her so wonderful, but since my BPDgf, my friend's personality and what she puts up with (like the rampant mental illness in her family and friends she chooses), not to mention that she's actively alcoholic again after 10 yrs sober downright scares me. 

if i end it with her i'll have no friends.  <sigh>  maybe that's what it takes sometimes... .destroy, rebuild from the ground up.  i just don't make friends easily.  i'm not a 'popularity magnet' like the PD people seem to be.

sounds like we might all be suffering some PTSD around this... .

[letmeout]

I've become hyper-aware of BPD/npd/aspd traits also.  I have cut many relationships out of my life- those that are non's but tolerant of the b**ls**t and bad behaviors of pwPD didn't make it to this round either.  My friend and associate list has gotten quite meager, but everyone on that list is quality, the real deal.  I am still rebuilding here, and I don't have time for those that endorse bad behavior or treat me poorly.

It's amazing how so many people excuse that bad behaviour... .Or are subconsciously drawn to it. Pds have such a rich feeding ground. So many people just dying to get chewed up and spat out again thinking they're special enough that it will eventually stop.

Our relatives and friends were entertained by my ex's bad behavior (until he would target them, then it was a different story). Maybe its like watching a train wreck, you are so mesmerized (or shocked) that you can't look away?

[Clearmind]

LMO, I had to do the same recently as well. I realised after 20 years of friendship that this friend was controlling, authoritarian, would put me down etc. I see it all too clearly now and cannot continue with the friendship even though we have been "friends" for 20 years.

I spoke to my T about it and she said that what attracted me to her 20 years ago is so different now. Its common to reassess friendships. I have also grown on a personal level - so much so - I don't entertain people like her anymore. I don't doubt she cares about me however she is clueless how to treat me and I am tired of setting boundaries that get busted.

2 years ago it would have hurt me. Now, I am relieved that I have finally made the decision - I am tired of walking on eggshells and wish to expend my energy on friends that treat me really well.

[bb12]

I was just thinking about this very issue last weekend!

In the 2 years since things ended so gruesomely with my xBPD and I have come to learn about a bunch of cluster B behaviours, I have been very distressed to learn that many of my friends are possible BPD.

My codependent fixing and rescuing tendancies were not limited to romantic relationships apparently and I have had to apply to same NC / LC techniques to many friendships. The amount of people I had in my life that caused chaos, pain and negative financial impacts was staggering.

As with everything else about this amazing journey back to my true self, I am grateful to be awake to this and to have culled these friendships at long last. I was literally getting nothing from them - which says a lot about my self-sacrificing schema and low self-worth.

Amongst the chaffe however, are some gems. I have some beautiful, strong, generous, sane people in my life too. Helping any emerging feelings of doubt or remorse about letting some of my friends go, was the ability to focus my desire to give and help on the people who deserved it.

So my list is smaller but so much richer. And the time I used to spend being the punching bag to my borderline friends is now spent on things I actually want to be doing and that has helped restore a sense of fulfilment, balance and peace

Bb12

[letmeout]

Well put bb12!