A hope for DD16 - Today is intervention day

[crumblingdad]

I haven't had a chance to post in sometime on updates for my DD16 but today there is a sliver of hope for her.

As some of you have read and know our DD16 has been battling uBPD along with PTSD, Anxiety and a growing heroin addiction for the last few months.  She's been in and out of 4 group homes the last 2 years, we had placed her in our state's Chin's program which she was eventually discharged from because "she exhausted their resources" and they felt their was nothing else they could do.  Since then she began the heroin use.  She recently got involved with a 29 year old male heroin user she refers to now as her boyfriend (and nothing we can do as age of consent is 16 in our state).

We've made at least 3 dozen runaway reports to police when she escapes at night over the last few months and she typically has returned the next morning when we do or we're able to tell the police where we think she is and they go get her.  She was arrested for assault last time police got her after running away because as she got out of cruiser she hit me in the stomach and then resisted arrest by the officer watching it, ended up being body slammed to the pavement and taken away.  Fortunately police dropped the charges for assaulting a police officer but have kept charges for assault on me and have filed a juvenile delinquency petition.  They've worked closely (although growing more and more frustrated with our DD16) with us and if today works will continue the court proceedings as will the police department where she is facing DWI charges for a few months ago.

(I urge all of you to use every law enforcement or public mental health resource and overcome any embarrassment you have taking that step -  it's a hard process but I'm not going to hide from mental illness due to any societal stigma that may be placed on our family - my DD16's life is too valuable to concern myself with whether anyone wants to judge our family and think it's due to our bad parenting because they don't understand mental illness like BPD - but that's a different soapbox)

Her heroin usage is nightly now and she's reached a physical addiction stealing jewelry from her mom's house and exchanging sex with older men for her next high.

So over last few months I've searched for a treatment facility tirelessly but she has refused anything we've tried to get her including McLean's 14 day ATR dual diagnosis program despite fact I had secured her bed and got insurance to approve the stay. We've read book after book on trying to find ways to use validation and boundaries and take care of ourselves while trying to get her help and with each passing day it seems more and more futile. 

A few weeks ago I was searching for resources and was referred to and directed to an interventionist in NY who came highly recommended.  I've done an exhaustive search of treatment facilities across the country and was also referred to Cottonwood De Tuscon in Tuscon, AZ as they have an all girls adolescent unit called Sweetwater for ages 12-17.  I had already been looking at this facility but when I got the recommendation from a therapist who does a lot of BPD work with teens she highly recommended Bob and Cottonwood De Tuscon (cottonwooddetuscon.com).   His name is Bob Reid from Family Interventions (familyinterventions.net) and has done thousands of these and has a success rate where he's had only 20 that didn't agree to treatment and has never had an adolescent refuse treatment in his 20 years of work.  He also had immediate family with both addiction and BPD so he fully understands the illness which is hard to come by.

Today we will try what we consider our last hope to get her help.  We will hold an intervention.  We've flown out her grandfather (who's been in recovery from opiates since 1974)  from across the country along with 5 other close family and friends that we feel she has a connection with.  The interventionist is here and we spent over 5 hours preparing for today last night.  If successful and she agrees we have flights booked to Arizona and will go straight to airport for a 6:30 pm flight with myself, mom, DD16 and interventionist to have her admitted late tonight after we drive from Phoenix to Tucson.

Please keep us and my DD16 in your thoughts and prayers - I'm not a religious person but we need every prayer and thought behind us today as we hope our very strong willed stubborn DD16 agrees to take this step as she is truly only a step or two away from death if she doesn't.

Thanks to all of you for all your support and writings - even when not posting they have been a tremendous source of support since finding this 4-5 months or so ago.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Dear crumblingdad,

You have been through so much with your d16.

I admire your strength and wisdom to continue to search for help and your willingness to look outside the box for answers and not give up.  I understand how difficult this path is to travel and have experienced the successes that it can bring.

I pray that your determination will be your d16's salvation to free her from her addiction and help her find the path to self examination and freedom from her mental illness. I pray that the intervention and subsequent treatment will be what she needs and she will embrace it fully.

I pray that you will be able to rest and have inner peace, knowing you have done all you can do regardless of your d16's choices.  I lift you all up for healing.

Please let us know how the intervention goes, that your d is safe and that you are ok.

lbjnltx

[pallavirajsinghani]

My heart goes out to you.  All my prayers and blessings are with you and your family.  And thank you for posting your unmitigated belief in using every resource available and not caring about the mental health stigma.

Actually, a doctor pointed out to me that "labels" are good.  "Labels" spell out clearly what is wrong and this awareness also leads to solutions.  So a "label" is actually a diagnosis--not a stigma.

Society is increasing becoming more aware of mental health issues... .what with all the murders and gun violence in our schools especially... .can you imagine if the entire society began to become more aware of mental health issues and hence proceeded to use every available resource?

Also, a thought on another tangent has just struck me,  do talk to an attorney specializing in issues of guardianship... .I am not sure about the legal terminology, but when a person is not capable of making non-self-destructive decisions for themselves, the law allows the family members to make those decisions for them... .perhaps some day, you can force her to be in certain treatment programs where she at least will be safer than being on the streets.

I think I am grasping at straws here... .

My maternal protective embrace encircles you all... .

[crazedncrazymom]

I'm so sorry for all you and your family are going through.  You have shown strength, courage and enormous character for not giving up on your daughter.  You are fighting the good fight and I hope that at the end of the day we will hear that your daughter has agreed to enter treatment. 

-crazed

[crumblingdad]

Well thanks everyone for your thoughts and prayers.  We tried like hell but our dd16 has yet again refused treatment despite the pleas of 7 family members.  This was the first adolescent in 20 years our interventionist hasn't gotten to agree to a treatment.

It was a long ugly 10 hours of trying to get her to accept help which resulted in her sister being punched in the face by dd16, attempts to kick out a 2nd floor window to jump out of, and most of my living room being smashed to pieces in a violent rage along the way.

She texted her grandpa the night before when she didn't know this was coming telling him she felt she needed a rehab but then during intervention said it was only because she was high when she wrote it.

She has court hearings Tuesday and we've told her we won't advocate on her behalf except to inform judge she's an addict, is a threat to her self and should be put in a secure treatment center or locked up if need be.  Apparently she will have to bottom out further and hopefully bottom isn't death but I suspect it might be and we've exhausted everything at this point and just have to let it take its course.

[lbjnltx]

I'm so sorry crumblingdad.  Your spirit may feel crushed.  Please don't give up hope.  As you said, she needs to reach HER bottom.  It is amazingly scary how deep our children's bottoms can reach.



lbjnltx

[Healing4Ever]

Dear crumblingdad,

I am so sorry to read about your struggles.  Your clarity and determination to search out and find resources, and the love you demonstrate for your daughter are incredibly inspiring and touching.  Your daughter probably doesn't know it now, but she's lucky she has you and your family.  Hopefully she figures that out sooner than later.

I will keep you, your daughter and your family in my prayers.  I do believe that there is a God, who hears us, and that there is power in prayer of many.  I will add you to my church's prayer list as well (obviously anonymously) so the prayer team can add their efforts.

I hear how futile everything sounds and I don't know what else to say other than to remind you to take care of yourself.  I can imagine that I would become swallowed up with grief and worry and forget about me.  Do things to pamper yourself right now - whatever that means to you.  A massage?  Some good food?  Therapy?  I can't even imagine what I'd be able to do for myself in your situation - my issues with anxiety would be overpowering.  What have you been able to do to take care of yourself?

Thank-you for sharing and please keep us posted.   

H4E

[crazedncrazymom]

Crumbling,

I'm so sorry your dd isn't ready to enter treatment.  What a shame that we parents don't have more power over our children's mental health.  I hope on Tuesday the judge will see that she needs help and sentence her to a dual diagnostic treatment center.

Good luck!  Please take care of yourself and your family today.  You must all be so tired.

-crazed

[six]

Hi Crumbling

just want to add my voice to the chorus of love and support for you.  So many of us can identify with what you are going through. 

Just want to say that your superhuman efforts, above and beyond what anyone could expect from any parent are themselves a form of a prayer.  There is no way that such a heartfelt prayer could go unanswered.  We have seen so many prayers answered and miracles occur for the families on this board.  Sometimes those miracles appear in the form of judges who care and want to help and order what is necessary.   Don't give up hope.  You will get your miracle too.  Please let us know when it happens

[bpdteensmom]

crumblingdad,

So happy to see a post by you here.  I have thought of you often since our last interaction.  I'm so sad to hear of what you've been going through since then.  What a mess.  I don't have answers for you, but I wish you luck and hope you'll keep us all posted. Lets hope that she gets some clarity in one way or another.  It seems like suck an uphill battle with BPD AND heroin addiction... you certainly have done everything imaginable and then some... I admire you for getting up every morning.  Hugs and again, keep us posted.

[crumblingdad]

DD16 ran away last night and didn't return for her hearing.  Her mom and I attended - this was only an arraignment and the judge did grant a "hold and detain" order for her which is essentially a juvenile warrant.  Police are in search of her and have a list of her known acquaintances and when they find her will hold her for an immediate hearing with the judge.  We suspect she's with the 29 year old junkie pedophile errrr "boyfriend" but we aren't sure and he's been bouncing between 2-3 different locations as to where he's staying. If nothing else all her friends will be getting visits from law enforcement today while they try to find her.

Sadly here in NH the system requires parental responsibility till she turns 18 but the system itself stops recognizing kids as juveniles when they turn 17 which is a month away so they admittedly have limited time and resources as she will "age out" of most of the state's resources (which are few and very limited) but both the JPPO and detective involved said they will do everything they can to be creative and try to find ways to get her an effective treatment.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Healing4Ever]

Oh wow CD - I'm sorry to hear this. I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers and hope for a safe resolution.  Hang in there and know that we care,


Michele

[qcarolr]

crumblingdad -- Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers, especially for the system to be aggressive in understanding her needs and finding the resources to meet them. Hope they find her quickly and she is safe.

qcr

[crumblingdad]

Shes been found by police and being held in the state's youth detention center pending hearing in front of judge (which we assume will be tomorrow). We have made a decision not to contact her while she's there unless she contacts us and that we will only be willing to converse to the point that we tell her we love her but cannot help her unless she is willing to get treatment.  Sadly we are hoping she is going to spend the night uncomfortably in a very scary place with no one reaching out to her and that it scares the hell out of her into wanting some help.

[qcarolr]

We have made a decision not to contact her while she's there unless she contacts us and that we will only be willing to converse to the point that we tell her we love her but cannot help her unless she is willing to get treatment.  Sadly we are hoping she is going to spend the night uncomfortably in a very scary place with no one reaching out to her and that it scares the hell out of her into wanting some help.

It may take more than one night to have an impact on your precious D. Are you prepared to allow the system to manage her care for a longer term? Perhaps an inpatient commitment may be what is needed for her to accept recovery - preferably a dual-dx program that provides for both the drug rehab and treatment of the underlying mental health issues. Where was the interventionist planning to take her? What are the options that your state or county offer? Do you have insurance that may assist with the costs?

Can you share where you and your family are in this process?

The other thing that comes to mind is your D knows she needs help, and it is too overwhelming for her to internally accept this. Her rejection of the intervention and running may be an indirect means for her to get the help she needs, and at some level wants. Most of all she needs your love no matter what the outcome.

It is such an emotional roller coaster for you right now. My heart is with you, and my prayers.

qcr

[MammaMia]

qcarolr and crumblingdad

My heart breaks for both of you and your families.  I, too, pray for safety and resolution for your children.

Such a hard place to be in.  Stay strong and let the system work. It is the best option right now.

[six]

crumbling

sending you prayers, love and support

hoping to hear good news from you tomorrow

[crumblingdad]

So things are starting to look more hopeful.  DD16 was held in YDC and her hearing was held Wednesday afternoon.  She pleaded with us to ask the judge not to keep her there and said she'd go to any treatment if it wasn't YDC - prosecutor and the JPPO both agreed if we found one they'd agree to ask judge to let her go if it was a detox/rehab treatment center.  Unfortunately Cottonwoods bed got taken so that wasn't an option and seemed every detox facility in New England had no beds so judge ordered her back to YDC until next Tuesday but said if we found a private treatment facility for her he'd accept a motion and sign it in the interim. 

I've spoken to DD16 twice since last night and she seems a little more stable and looks like her detox and withdrawals were somewhat mild but certainly uncomfortable.  I'm also glad she has had to face a facility like YDC for the last 48+ hours in hopes it does instill some fear of never wanting to return to a true detention center again.

Spent yesterday afternoon and last night doing an exhaustive search with the interventionist we used to find an acceptable dual diagnosis treatment facility.  Ruled out a few thru phone interviews and then found what we hope will be the answers to some of our prayers here. We got it down to Menninger Clinic in Houston, TX, Silver Hill in New Haven, CT and then we found out that Newport Academy out of California is opening a second facility in Northwestern side of Connecticut that houses 4 girls and is just opening.    They had one remaining bed and our interventionist and I each spent about an hour on the phone with the owner/founder of Newport last night and I was very impressed with his treatment program and handle on BPD.  Of the 3 facilities he seemed the most interested and optimistic for the complexities and severity of DD16's conditions and situation.  (almost seemed as if the other two facilities both felt hesitant and scared of her aggressive behavior and deregulation)


We got a motion signed by judge today after all this allowing me to pick her up at YDC tomorrow morning and transport her directly to Newport tomorrow where she will be for 60-90 days.

Shes going more out of a lesser of two evils and told me she feels "forced."  I had hoped she would go because she wanted the help from the intervention but any true dual diagnosis treatment is better then none and hoping and praying Newport can help her see a different viewpoint and she will make use of this.  It's unfortunately our last hope for treatment as I will be draining a fair amount of my retirement to pay for it unless insurance comes through and reimburses a fair amount of the cost.

So sad that in this day and age the only hope for help is only available to those with significant financial resources. 

Will update more as things progress as at this point I'm snake bitten from all the times we've lined up help that has fallen apart.  I'm still fearful of just the drive from YDC to Newport tomorrow that something could go wrong before we get her there but I think she is resigned to this as her only alternative other then YDC (which it is per court order).

Again thanks all for your support, thoughts and prayers.  This message board has been a godsend in terms of support, finding resources, and all your love and hope when things seem so hopeless.

Can only hope this has a good ending for our DD16 but also for others with family members that will be able to take something from this battle for their own benefit.

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi Crumbling,

So happy everything is falling into place regarding the treatment facility.  I'm sending my best hopes that she will start to get a handle on everything and realize that she truly needs help.  You guys are doing such a great job staying strong and forcing her to get the help she needs.  I know you must be heartbroken and relieved at the same time.

Best of luck going forward!  Please give us an update when you get a chance

-crazed

[Healing4Ever]

Thank-you for the update CD - I've been hoping and praying for your family.  Keep up the great work, and I hope things go smoothly tomorrow.

H4E

[Someday . . .]

Crumbling Dad, first I want to say how my heart has gone out to you.  It certainly sounds as though you have gone the distance and then some.  I am so grateful and happy that it looks as though things may be headed in a direction that your daughter will get the help she needs.  I will certainly send good thoughts and prayers your way that she will be open and receptive to treatment.

I am glad that you chose the facility you did.  My daughter attended Silver Hill (in 2010) in the DBT unit - she REFUSED to go to the Dual Diagnosis.  My dd25 felt that there was a lot of down time at Silver Hill and not enough teaching/learning (just her opinion).   For me I have a lot of bad memories about Silver Hill.   Silver Hill was aware of my daughters drug addiction and when she started having migraines, (whenever she would smoke crystal meth it would give her migraines) believe it or not, but the psychiatrist gave her opiates, yes opiates - to a drug addict!   The psychiatrist gave her Percocet for the migraines and when my dd25 was discharged, the opiates would give her rebound migraines and that blossomed into a HUGE opiate addiction.   Which continued for 4 additional months and then we were able to send her to Sierra Tucson (LOTS MORE MONEY), to treat the opiate addiction that Silver Hill started.   :  ((    So, I am glad that you chose the other facility!

Best of luck to you, please keep us posted!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[six]

Thanks for the update, crumbling

looking forward to hearing more good news from you!

[mggt]

Dear Cumbling dad,  So glad you found a place for your daughter will continue to pray for all of you one day at a time mggt

[qcarolr]

crumblingdad - how did things go with the tranfer? Hoping that this provides some motivation for accepting changes within your D. You make so many sacrifices for her, and there is often so little appreciation. Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.

qcr

[crumblingdad]

Quick update although very little to report.  I picked DD16 up at YDC on Friday morning and drove the 3-1/2 hours to Newport Academy.  DD was relatively regulated during the drive and talked my ear off which was good.  No true signs she wanted the help but there was some comments with some underlying hope that maybe she will participate.  We arrived and they did about a 2 hour intake with me getting more info and gave us both a tour of the facility.  As we were wrapping up DD16 requested she be able to take a walk with me and staff said no (I agreed with decision as this was code for I can't smoke here so I'm gonna get Dad to go for a walk so I can smoke one last cigarette).  The no set her off and she told me she didn't want to stay and would rather go back to YDC.  I told her it wasn't an option and said goodbye and staff got me out of there as fast as we could to avoid her getting to deregulated and wound up.

The school has a policy of no contact for 72 hours however DD called me Friday night and was upset I didn't bring some of her clothes and such that I missed and said she hated it there and needed to go back to YDC because "it sucks but it's the same crap everyday and easier and she didn't want to deal with this."  I told her no and staff later called for authorization for a nicotine patch and explained Connecticut has a regulation that requires youth be allowed to ca parents if they request it despite them advising against it.  Saturday night she called again and was very upset saying the food is all health food they don't allow sugar or anything sweet and it's stupid and it sucks.  She threatened she'd purposely go back to refusing food and her short stints she's had with eating disorders in past.  She said she wanted to speak to her attorney and demand she be transported to YDC and told me I could do it voluntarily or she'd get herself kicked out and go in shackles.  I held to the fact I wasn't coming to get her and explained this was her chance for a better opportunity at happiness and to please give it a chance.  She ended conversation saying the only way she'd remain sober is dead or in jail.

I spoke to the clinical director after and told her she may get aggressive by breaking things or attacking staff to get kicked out and they said they'd do their best to avoid that and seemed unphased.  We then put together a plan that they would text me or call me from a specific cell phone on staff so I know it's them calling instead of her or if they felt it was appropriate to take her call they'd let me know before she calls from now on.

This morning she called and I ignored call but she left a voice message saying she forgot yesterday was my birthday and told me she wished she had said happy birthday rather then telling me she'd only be sober if dead or in jail and wished me a belated birthday.  Truly brought some tears to my eyes.

So it remains to be seen whether she will comply anytime soon with the program or continue resisting but I've made it clear to Newport that it'll be over my dead body that she leaves unless they kick her out and there's no chance I'll agree to her pleas to return to ydc.

Will continue to hope and pray she comes around - what I do know is for the first time in the last 2-3 years i feel she's in the hands of a very competent staff and professionals who seem to have the competence to treat her if she becomes willing.

[mggt]

Dear crumbling,  Good news that your d is in a place where you feel comfortable I know how hard this is , know you are doing the right thing.  Stay strong and we will all be praying and sending positive energy your way Best of Luck mggt 

[Healing4Ever]

Dear CD,  Just letting you know I'm following your struggles and hoping something shifts for your daughter sooner than later. 

Not sure whether this helps or not - my Dad went rather unwillingly for treatment for alcoholism to an inpatient centre (my Mom threatened divorce, finally), and he spent the first 2 months grumbling and complaining and *hating* everything.  I was certain it wouldn't work.  It was so stressful for me - I lost that entire semester of university for the stress of if.  And then, somehow, miraculously, with just a couple of weeks left to his program, he just stopped complaining.  And I could slowly see that he was resigned and somewhat peaceful.  Once discharged, he never drank alcohol again.   I don't recall him ever saying anything overly positive - but it worked.

Anyways - I will continue to pray for you and your family,

H4E

[qcarolr]

Crumblingdad -  So glad you got your D there, and the staff is helping screen her calls to you. A difficult time for both of you, in different ways. Feeling some relief is OK - this one has been hard for me in the past.

Stick to it just as you are. Seems like the staff get it. It takes time for your D to become vulnerable in trust to accept what is being offered to her.

Thanks for the update.

qcr

[lbjnltx]

Dear crumblingdad,

You did the best you could for your d16.  You are being strong for her and your family.

Her complaints and fears are not outside the norm for teens placed in residential care, my d made many similar statements initially.  It is her fear and addiction talking at this time.

My d didn't begin to open herself up to the program and personal accountability/person power until the end of the first month.  Sadly, for many teens it can take much longer.

Some teens will up the ante when their tactics don't work, some will make accusations of abuse and neglect.

Trust in your choice of treatment facilities, be an advocate and partner with her and her treatment team.  Be open to all perspectives, ask questions and stay in wisemind.  Some facilities use tactics that we don't understand so it is important to be openminded in order to see the value in these tactics.  

I pray that you will be part of her recovery, I pray that you will learn the therapeutic language that they speak so that you can be a continued source of compassionate accountability for her and to her.  I pray that you will have the strength to overcome any fears that arise.  Your d needs you to be strong enough for both of you until she can stand strong on her own.

Continue to rest and heal knowing she is getting the best treatment you could facilitate for her.  Believe in her recovery and healing and let her know you believe in her ability to do the hard work that lies before her.

Be ready to forgive all past wrongs when she is sincerely regretful so that the future can look different from the past.

lbjnltx

[crumblingdad]

Got some good news last night.  DD called me 3x yesterday I finally answered last night and she apologized again for telling me she'd only be sober when she was dead and in prison and also wanted to let me know she would be "waiting to get herself kicked out" until after her 17th Birthday coming up Dec 8th.  When I asked why she was staying till then she informed me the founder/owner of Newport and her had a discussion Sunday about an autobiography she read and the author had been in and out of treatment most of his life for meth and heroin but relapsed numerous times.  She informed the owner that "she was just like that" and will never be able to stay sober and it's her destiny.  It so happened the owner had dinner with the author a few weeks ago and knows him.  He told her he's now clean and sober and asked if she'd be interested in him coming to speak to her on her birthday at the facility. She said "of course" and he informed her she would then have to stay till her birthday in order to see that.

Today got an update from the staff that she's still having moments but has been smiling some and in much better spirits.

Long road ahead but I couldn't be happier to hear she's showing some compliance already and truly taken back by the owner's genius and tremendously generous offer to connect with her like that.