My Shame

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am feeling like crap tonight my dear friends.  I am reflecting on all of the crap.  She (wife of 23 years) was so unfaithful to me.  She had no reverence for our wedding vows.  And I am feeling that it is my fault.  I feel (incorrectly I hope) that I had become so dull to her, so common after 25 years, so boring, that she was in agony.  She HAD to seek alternative "excitement" with "edgy" drug dealers, homeless schizophrenics, anyone who provided excitement/ from her misery from me.  She slept and smoked dope with these people.  She was a supervisor at a  homeless shelter and met all kinds of men.  She crawled into the sack with some of them.  She was canned from that job... .obviously. 

According to my healthy friends, I am a witty, fit, funny, smart, educated, gentle, guitar-playing, honest, loving man.  Why the heck was I not good enough?  I am down tonight feeling that I was so pathetically boring that she had to cope by banging other dudes. 

Yet, I know, intellectually, that a mature person would handle it in another way.  A mature person would say, "I am not happy in this marriage.  I want to take responsible steps to separate."  But my wife chose to go "underground."  She chose to cope with her unhappiness by cheating, sneaking, lying, sleeping with over 30 men in the course of our marriage... .  Why could she not have cut me loose years ago.  Why did she not leave and file for divorce years ago?  Then, after a responsible divorce from me, then seek the more exciting life she craved.  No, she put me through hell... .a hell I can't seem to get through.  I am so angry at her tonight.  How dare her! 

Fiddle

[fiddlestix]

I am feeling like crap tonight my dear friends.  I am reflecting on all of the crap.  She (wife of 23 years) was so unfaithful to me.  She had no reverence for our wedding vows.  And I am feeling that it is my fault.  I feel (incorrectly I hope) that I had become so dull to her, so common after 25 years, so boring, that she was in agony.  She HAD to seek alternative "excitement" with "edgy" drug dealers, homeless schizophrenics, anyone who provided excitement/ from her misery from me.  She slept and smoked dope with these people.  She was a supervisor at a  homeless shelter and met all kinds of men.  She crawled into the sack with some of them.  She was canned from that job... .obviously. 

According to my healthy friends, I am a witty, fit, funny, smart, educated, gentle, guitar-playing, honest, loving man.  Why the heck was I not good enough?  I am down tonight feeling that I was so pathetically boring that she had to cope by banging other dudes. 

Yet, I know, intellectually, that a mature person would handle it in another way.  A mature person would say, "I am not happy in this marriage.  I want to take responsible steps to separate."  But my wife chose to go "underground."  She chose to cope with her unhappiness by cheating, sneaking, lying, sleeping with over 30 men in the course of our marriage... .  Why could she not have cut me loose years ago.  Why did she not leave and file for divorce years ago?  Then, after a responsible divorce from me, then seek the more exciting life she craved.  No, she put me through hell... .a hell I can't seem to get through.  I am so angry at her tonight.  How dare her! 

Fiddle

[hopealways]

Fiddle, you are not boring! She has a mental illness. It is called BPD. There is no cure for it.

Impulsiveness and promiscuity is common among the BPD. You could have been a rockstar and she would have done the same exact thing.

And you know what? You ARE a rockstar. Because you have a kind heart, a clean soul - if you were not such a great person she would NOT have chosen you. They are emotional predators, they know to choose the great ones.  It is pathological.

[Ironmanrises]

Fiddle... .

I second what Hope said.

The disorder... .

Explodes on anyone... .

Who gets too close to them.

That is the inevitable... .

Outcome.

You are a good person Fiddle.

You know that... .

Within you.

You posting on here... .

Sharing your concerns... .

Is proof enough of that.

Hang in there friend.

Us fellow nons stand with you.

[fiddlestix]

Thank you, friends.  I needed that tonight.  I am tearful.  She has been leaning on a mutual friend recently because of troubles with her new guy. My friend told me.  Reluctantly.  It just makes me think that if I were a cooler, more macho, manly man she would still want me.  Stinkin' thinkin'.  She is indeed a diagnosed bipolar/borderline.  I know this.  She knows this.  Why does it still hurt?  I do not even like this woman!  She is a beast.  I am free of her insults and betrayal.  Why are her claws still in me?  I need to sleep.  Thanks, guys. 

Fiddle

[DragoN]

 Fiddlestix,

She is sick. Her actions are disgusting and they are NO reflection of you, but of her own self hatred.

According to my healthy friends, I am a witty, fit, funny, smart, educated, gentle, guitar-playing, honest, loving man.  Why the heck was I not good enough?  I am down tonight feeling that I was so pathetically boring that she had to cope by banging other dudes. 

You are more than enough for a healthy woman. She is not. She's sick. She is IMO really disgusting. Can't save her from herself. She is what she is. It has Nothing to do with you. Please don't internalize her actions as something about yourself! You need to know that.

Ask yourself, if you had known at the start, that this is what she was and chose to do, would you have married her? I doubt it. She lied. The layers of deceit and betrayal are on top of the infidelity. Endless the black hole of despair when involved with the PD'd. We can only cut the rope. They have no interest nor desire to do anything but what they are doing. Your pain doesn't matter to them one iota. Unfortunately, our continued presence only acts to enable them. The longer we stay, the worse it gets. That's all.

Love YourSelf enough to walk away and heal. The only way out of this hell is through it.

[fiddlestix]

H2O, thanks for the pep talk.  I know you are right.  This grief and anger comes in waves... .having a weird night because of news that she had a fight with with her new man.  I am jealous because she cares for him enough to be upset by their fight.  I protect my No Contact quite rigidly, but my friend told me of the fight. We are in the midst of divorce proceedings.  It is expensive and takes time to work through the divorce.  I am in limbo.

She was messed up years before I met her... I knew her in my neighborhood when we were 13... .34 years ago.  I only triggered her because she got close to me, not because I am a loser.  How tragic indeed. 

Fiddle

[froggy]

Fiddle

They break us down over years of abuse... we enter into these relationships broken and they give the illusion of being able to give us the attention we so crave... have always craved... .but it's an illusion. .they can not give... only take... .they leave us empty... and we think ... if I only give more they will give us a crum back. .it never happens... they only take more and spit on us for giving... .they leave us a shell of what we once were... full of self doubt. ... the lonley child more alone than ever.

We are the only ones that can help that poor lonely child... one day at a time we can rebuild what they have broken.

You are not her reality of you... .you are soo much more ♥

[DragoN]

This grief and anger comes in waves...

I know... .

Froggy makes good points there as well. Was thinking earlier about the odd twist of the concept of Self Love wrt our PD'd mates and the mirror reflection we fell in love with in the beginning. It's mentioned in the write up by 2010, we fell in love with ourselves but attributed that love to our mates. The horrible behaviors after the fact is what drained us as the mask slipped.

You wrote it yourself yesterday though too. We have to keep our own  tanks filled if we are able to even hope to help another.

My Shame? It's not your shame. It's hers, she lost a good man. She couldn't appreciate what she had. That cloak of shame and humiliation is NOT yours to wear. It's nothing about you. Nothing. I know it's hard to feel that, but try to remember it. Makes a big difference over a short time.

You are respecting yourself by divorcing her. The rest is healing time.  

[GreenMango]

Fiddle

Anybody would be considered boring when compared to the circus act of shenanigans she's participating in.  

I had heard many times I was boring or old fashioned.  It's a compliment... .really.  these relationships can hit your self esteem pretty hard.  It's going to take some active effort in rebuilding that.  Listening and taking on board the actions of a mentally ill person, seriously now what you've described as her conduct in no way speaks to a person who's opinion or reality should be considered healthy or god forbid the "truth", has to come to a close.  It's hard I know... .but your worth and lovability isn't correlates to her.  

Try not to beat yourself up too bad.  She's got some problems that even a hero couldn't fix.

[ucmeicu2]

She (wife of 23 years) was so unfaithful to me.  <cut> I am a witty, fit, funny, smart, educated, gentle, guitar-playing, honest, loving man.  Why the heck was I not good enough?  I am down tonight feeling that I was so pathetically boring that she had to cope by banging other dudes. 

well remember, to a pwBPD those wonderful attributes you listed  can equal boring b/c not enough drama/adrenaline/etc for her.  but that does not make you boring!  it makes her mentally ill.

Yet, I know, intellectually, that a mature person would handle it in another way.  A mature person would say, "I am not happy in this marriage.  I want to take responsible steps to separate."  But my wife chose to go "underground."  She chose to cope with her unhappiness by cheating, sneaking, lying, sleeping with over 30 men in the course of our marriage... .  Why could she not have cut me loose years ago.  Why did she not leave and file for divorce years ago?  Then, after a responsible divorce from me, then seek the more exciting life she craved.  No, she put me through hell... .a hell I can't seem to get through.  I am so angry at her tonight.  How dare her! 

fiddle, in bold, good questions about her actions/motives!  as well, as Nons we have to ask ourselves the same questions about our actions and motives.  why did WE stay?  why didn;t WE file for divorce?  how dare her?  how dare we take so much BS.

such a dysfunctional dance we do.  but brighter days are ahead for you fiddle.  i have to believe that with all my heart to get thru my own xBPD pain.

[froggy]

That part where we fell in love with ourselves because they were reflecting us back was probably the most helpful thing I've ever read... .I was always told I was nothing and unlovable. .I've had so much self hate my whole life... .and to read that was probably the most self esteem boosting thing ever!

I was just wondering. .when they stop reflecting us... .do they start projecting themselves... .do they spew all the self hate onto us? They have no sense of self so they fear what we have... .I think they are much lonelier than we are... .they are too frightened to look inside... too busy running away from what they see inside... .taking from others what they are not capable of ever giving... .very sad really.

[Surnia]

He fiddle

and a big big hug. 

I am also someone from the boring fraction. 

It  took me awhile to find out that I am not boring at all. I am just more on the introvert side.

I know it from my family: When Bipolar really kicks in someone normal is incredibly boring and in grey colours!

Its good to share your shame here. We are here for you.

[DragoN]

I was just wondering. .when they stop reflecting us... .do they start projecting themselves... .do they spew all the self hate onto us? They have no sense of self so they fear what we have... .I think they are much lonelier than we are... .they are too frightened to look inside... too busy running away from what they see inside... .taking from others what they are not capable of ever giving... .very sad really.

Pretty much how it plays out.

Idealization, devalue, discard, recycle, brief interlude of honeymoon phase, devalue, discard, wash rinse repeat. Goes on and on until one of the two leaves. I got lost in the chaos the first round, the second round and with counseling, I saw it happening. Changed the dynamic, but can NOT cure the disorder. It really is not "us" it is "them" and the way they think and emote.

 why didn;t WE file for divorce?  how dare her? how dare we take so much BS.

Divorce is filed because I am done with the bs.

[ucmeicu2]

That part where we fell in love with ourselves because they were reflecting us back was probably the most helpful thing I've ever read... .I was always told I was nothing and unlovable. .I've had so much self hate my whole life... .and to read that was probably the most self esteem boosting thing ever!

i love that, really love it.  what an insightful, creative way of looking at it.  i've got to remember this the next time i get down.  thanx!

Oh PS, i find it interesting that the pwBPD is also filled with self-loathing... .  what does it mean when the gap of dissimiliarities w/the pwBPD closes?

[maxen]

hi fiddlestix. another voice of support here. so many of us understand what you're in. i'm in it. my wife had no respect for our vows. she has convinced herself and some of her friends and family that it was my fault. sometimes i also wonder if it was my fault. but it isn't our fault. morally they were dishonest and unfaithful. psychologically they have BPD. neither of those is our fault. we were constant, forgiving, honest, and faithful. remember that. yes the pain will come in waves and then you can lean on us  .

[Learning_curve74]

Hey fiddlestix... .a hug for you: 

Not feeling good enough is something I struggle with too. "What's wrong with me?" is a question I always have after a breakup. I don't think it's weird what you feel plus the anger at her for cheating instead of being strong enough to leave first. I hope you were able to get some sleep and rest. That is one of the things I struggle with too.

[imstronghere2]

Hey Fiddle.  Another echo here on what's already been said.  Sometimes, this forum is all the support we have and thankfully, we have that.

"I am a witty, fit, funny, smart, educated, gentle, guitar-playing, honest, loving man"

Yes YOU are!  

"But my wife chose to go "underground."  She chose to cope with her unhappiness by cheating, sneaking, lying, sleeping with over 30 men in the course of our marriage"

Yes, SHE did.

We all had our reasons for getting in to these relationships with them and our dances had different steps but it was the same twisted, disordered dance.  

I'm 2 years out and I can tell you that for a fact you will eventually come to grips with what I quoted and accept that you can walk with your head held high.  We all can.  We didn't screw this up, THEY did and they did what they could to destroy us in the process.  That's ALL on them.  We both spent WAY too much of our lives investing, building our house of cards which is realistically all we had and they wiped it out like a tornado.  Rebuilding takes time, hard work, sacrifice, sweat, blood, tears and pain but we can do it.  

I told my exwBPD before she moved out that "she destroyed me the day she told me of her affair.  I'm rebuilding now.  I don't know what it will look like when it's done, but what I do know for a fact is there will be scars".  

I don't know what my future holds but I'm doing what I can to keep getting stronger every day.  I'm not going to say it's all freaking roses and sunshine because at least for me, it's not.  It's hard.  Every day but we push through it.

What we can be thankful for is that we have our lives back to do with as WE wish.  Our destiny is our own.  We don't have anyone pulling our strings any longer.  Think about what did she really give back to you?  I know I can look back and mine was incapable of compassion, even the slightest amount.  No emotional empathy whatsoever.

Screw that.  We gave and gave and gave and then gave some more.  We're done with that.

Now is our time.  Now is YOUR time.  Look in the mirror and you'll see this:

"witty, fit, funny, smart, educated, gentle, guitar-playing, honest, loving man"


HELL YES!   

[pallavirajsinghani]

According to my healthy friends, I am a witty, fit, funny, smart, educated, gentle, guitar-playing, honest, loving man.


I am married to one such... .just about to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary... .to this day, when he walks in the door, my heart skips a beat... .he just makes my blood flow faster in the veins and my mind gets full of pornographic images which a decent middle class woman is not supposed to have... .Golly, even my wet dreams are of him.   

This is how he looks to others:  has a little paunch, drags his feet when he walks, is slightly pigeon toed, has 3 hair on his chest, has no shoulders... .and the baby shoulders he has droop.  Oh I forgot!  He has slender long legs that a model would die for.

His decency, his treatment of me and our children and our friends and our extended family, his quiet strength, his gentleness, absence of bad habits... .I worship my husband.

And why is that?

Because I am a non-disordered person.  Qualities appeal to me and are a turn on.  I do not equate anxiety with excitement, nor boredom with normalcy.  My body, emotions and actions work in sync with each other.  The mind, body and heart work as one single balanced fine tuned organism.  There is no split between what the heart wants and the mind admires and the body yearns for.  In your wife's case, this balance does not exist... .there is a disconnect somewhere, an internal dissonance. There is an absence of melody, a presence of discordant sounds that grate on her soul and on yours.

So the issue is not you at all, the issue is her perception of herself and her own life.  She hates herself so she hates her life so she seeks to dull her pain in self-destructive ways.

This is not a criticism, just an observation... .for, God Knows, the suffering of a mentally disordered individual is immense and without therapy, unmitigated/unmitigable a vast void of turmoil... .indeed they are in their own self-created hell and do not take the safety lines thrown to them.  This is an internal void.

For you to blame yourself is hubris.  For, that implies that you could have saved her, made her happy, your love for her would make her love herself... .

The more you become aware of your own limitations the more you will become aware of her own responsibilities to herself.  You are not a trained clinician, your relationship with her is not that of a patient-doctor... .you can love her deeply but you cannot cure her.

My husband can work hard to give a roof over my head and food on the table and give of himself to me... .but he cannot bring me happiness on a platter... .that is entirely up to me and whether or not I have that bubbling well of well-being within myself or not.

God Bless my dear... .keep on playing guitar, keep on being witty, fit, funny, smart, educated, gentle, honest and loving.

[fiddlestix]

I want to thank you all for the support.  I love you all in a special way.  We are kindred spirits.  Many of you know that I am an ordained minister.  I work full time as a chaplain and pastor.  I help people all the time.  It is my calling, and honor, to shepherd people through the joys and struggles of life.  But all my training in pastoral care and counseling did not teach me how to nurture myself. I often need help too.  I find it here, with a few trusted friends, and a good therapist.  Very few understand the uniqueness of a breakup with a BPD person.  There is just so much shrapnel, like a bloody, hellish war field. And even after the "break" the weirdness doesn't end.  I know that sounds cheesy, but it is true.  I was in a bizarre push/pull with my wife for 25 years.  I loved her and took my vows with sacred seriousness. She had a different idea. 

I feel better today; gonna go watch football and eat lasagna with some of my oldest friends. 

I will be here to help you all when needed  

Fiddlestix

[peas]

Maybe because of what you do, being a minister, a man of faith, you couldn't detach from your wife when she started showing her rough, disrespectful side. I'm assuming you try to model your life from a religious text, with moral codes deeply ingrained to love and help others, be faithful and do right.

Maybe you got lost in that, so lost that you kept forgiving your missus and hoped she would change if you just kept being good and moral. Or you felt she was your "burden" and it was your obligation to suffer with her. Maybe you can find some scripture to get you through this breakup that re-frames the situation and switches the roles where you are in a position of power over yourself and your perspective and she is not.

Also, when we are treated badly for an extended period of time, in your case years and in my case months, we underestimate how much it can weaken us. You are depleted, but not gone. These waves of grief are common, in my experience. I had a bad weekend. I cried hard. And I was dumped four months ago. You are going through an adjustment, a loss, and the emotional rollercoaster is part of the deal.

[starshine]

It still comes in waves for me.  It's been a little over 2 years now, and most days are ok.  I still live with a lot of sadness, though.  I have felt so sad for a long time.  But I can also say there are moments of joy now, and I couldn't say that a year ago. 

I know this is not a permanent state.  I am not a sad person by nature- this experience just really stripped my down to my core.  I am committed to healing.  I heard someone say this weekend, "The moment one commits, providence comes through."  It was in a totally different context that healing from a BPD r/s, but it rang so true in my heart I knew it was a deeper truth for me.

Fiddlestix, I bet you're not boring.  My upbd always said the same things, had the same conversations, made the same jokes.  He was smart and funny, but the more dysregulated he became, the less intellectually adventurous he became.  We stopped having conversations about things, just having mundane information exchanges.  Really, he was the boring one.