Recovering from BPD Mother - Exposure

[KHC_33]

My mom was always up and down and sideways. I made this fanasty that she was such a great mother and yet she put me through so much. I remember wanting to die at such a young age. I wanted to run away, punish my step mom for taking the only protector I had in my life. I was so angry! Yet I never acted on it. I was taught not to feel, not to have my own emotions. If I moved an inch the wrong way I would get punished for it. If I laughed too much, if I talked to much, if I sat the wrong way... .as she shifted I had to shift with her. I cut all ties with her few years ago. Since then I have ignored her. She has no clue about my present situation (my ex and I are done, or that I have moved into a different city). Nothing.

Today I was walking downtown and I felt like I was floating. It was like time in space. I looked at all the people around me worrying, rushing, trying to head to wherever they were going. Preoccupied with their own thoughts. Here I am, in this vase space of time that stands still for once. Some people may find it uncomfortable. For me I find it a release. I release for once in my life I can life in the calms of the water and not have someone rocking the boat. For once I can just walk without a time line, or think without someone telling me that's wrong. For once I can just be me and go wherever I choose to go.

I haven't felt this freedom is such a long time. It is all exciting yet scary. I don't have to answer to anyone. I just have to live. I bought 10 dollars worth the items. This is a challenge to me. I have a huge issue with money because my mother never allowed me to buy anything for myself. Ever. It was selfish. I didn't need it. She needed it more. So now I force myself to buy things I "need" without guilt. I practice. I keep analyzing it, it is good enough? Do I really need it? I have two cups... .I don't need three more (but if I get three more that means I have more if people come, or if I have two that are dirty at least I have three that are clean). Sad to say yes... .it takes a metal toll on me. I have to have someone to force me to buy in order to buy. I managed to come away with 10 dollars worth the things I needed. Guilt is still there, but I am putting it where I belong. Last week I bought a 14 dollars scarf. Each time I put it on I say Wow you spent so much on that scarf. I remind myself... .did I want it? Yes. Does it make me happy? Yes. Does it keep me warm? Yes. Warmth is accepting and allowing yourself to be spoiled even when you are taught not to. I rationalize things to the point where no one ever wins in my head. Put yourself in situations and start exposing yourself. In the end the goal is not to be guilty. Not to be lulled into that you can't have what you want. Start small. Realize those voices that controlled you throughout your childhood are gone. Only one enemy left that you have to combat. That is yourself. Undo what has been done. Hugs.

[dharmagems]

Thanks, KHC_33 for your post. 

It still affects me greatly, finances.  My Narcissist mom controlled and protected me through money, and I equated money with power and safety and a caregiver's love.  It is in my deep subconscious.  These last 2 years have been so hard with my xBPDh supporting me with money and it was the hardest decision to leave him because of the financial support.  I subconsciously thought that he was my caregiver again and with his finances, providing me with safety and love. 

After the rose colored glasses were torn off of me, and I learned about BPD and NPD, I knew I had to heal from this toxic relationship I was in and get out.  I was so panicked preparing for divorce and after the divorce that I would not have financial support any longer--because I was planning to try fertility treatments by myself to have a child on my own.  So I reacted and I worked myself to the detriment of my health these past 2 years, taking any job, even how physically demanding.  I also sacrificed living in a basement with no drain, and used a compost toilet to save money and rent the upstairs to tenents and I made a makeshift kitchen in the basement.  To top it off, I am still earning money from the business I am with my parents. I was feeling shame and anxiousness to flee the situation all together because of the PTSD from the violence in my childhood. 

I realize that the massive shame and guilt has pained me to the point I was panicking and reacting to my detriment.  So, I made a conscious decision to put my shame and guilt aside, and keep this business going to get income while I am rebuilding my life financially and emotionally.  My therapist affirmed that.  Money is important to live and survive, and I can't hurt myself now.  Fertility treatments are expensive and to live I need the money. 

Living in consciousness is hard, but it is a gift.  I am now moved into a apartment living with other people, sharing finances, and am going to fertility treatments, and getting used to my labourous job, while still managing my business with my parents.  I still feel shaken, but not panic sticken as much--because of consciousness.  I still need to treat myself too, financially.  I know it will help me.  Thanks for listening to my situation about money.