Does my ex have BPD?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I just need to get this all off my chest. Where do I begin?... .

Back in March of this year, I was matched with this girl on a Christian dating website. We started to get to know one another by talking to each other through Skype. We got along pretty well and had similar interests. Come to find out, we had many friends in common. Several weeks passed and we talked about meeting one another in person. We ended up going on our first date to a nearby restaurant.

We talked about our families, our upbringings, our Christian faith, when we were saved, etc. We talked for the next 3 hours until the restaurant closed. We then grabbed some dessert and talked until the ice-cream place closed as well.

We then drove around talking about different things in our town. I took her to my house to meet my parents. She stayed and talked for a while and finally needed to go home. Our first date lasted 8 hours long. Pretty much a success, I‘d say.

We continued to hang out all the time from then on. We’d see each other almost daily. We would talk for hours and hours and never got bored with one another. No one could make me laugh as much as she did.

We soon became boyfriend and girlfriend and we began to share pieces of our hearts with one another. We would tell each other that we cared for one another and that we missed each other. We also held hands and would hug each other (nothing sexual ever happened, don’t worry).

The more that I began to know her, the more that my heart fell for her. She shared with me how her family was messed up (even though she comes from a Christian home) and how her family is so dysfunctional. She shared how some of her family members had issues with suicide attempts and how others had gotten pregnant out of wedlock, and so on.

She shared how one of her past boyfriends was physically abusive to her. Nothing upsets me more when someone is mistreated and wronged. She would cry with me about things that were on her heart. I was always gentle, sweet and kind with her. I wanted to show her how a man is supposed to treat a woman.

As we continued to grow in our relationship, we started saying “I love you” to one another. Nothing meant more to me than to hear her say those words. How sweet they were!

As time passed, she began to share pieces of her past. She was afraid by telling me these things that I would run off. I told her nonsense and that I cared for her. I told her that "it didn’t matter what she did in her past, it wouldn’t keep me from loving her".

She shared with me how she never had someone be so kind and sweet to her. She didn’t have the best relationship with her father and has never seen a true male role model in her life.

One time when I was walking her out to her car, I hugged her and started to pray over her because of what she was going through in her life. Her body started to shake a little and she began to weep. Emotions just swept over her. She said that she never had anyone pray over her before. There was another time where she just hugged me and buried her head into my chest (she was shorter than me) and started crying. I asked her if she was okay and she said "yes, these are tears of joy. I've never had anyone care as much about me as you do".

She was sweet, kind, and funny with me. Of course there were times where she got frustrated about things in life, but she was everything that I wanted in a future spouse. We started talking about our future and that we saw being with each other for a long time. She told me that she could never find anyone else like me and that she saw herself being married to me and having kids with me. She said that I was her dream guy and that I was all the things that she always wanted in someone. Neither of us wanted to be with anyone else….

Farther into our relationship though, I began to notice some things.

- Some of her friends who were super close to her are not good influences. One to be exact would drink, talk about getting wasted, sexual innuendos, used the f-word constantly (among other choice words), was very immature and acted like he was 16 years old (even though he is in his late 20’s). She would laugh at the sexual comments. She would hang out with these friends when we were not together, but would not hang out when I was around. She even made excuses for them saying that they were Christians and that they prayed. She even went to their houses to hang out.

- There were some things that didn’t line up with what we first talked about in the beginning of our relationship. For example, she agreed with me on different things and had the same mindset (or so I thought). She had shared how she had used to drink in her past but was ashamed of it and wouldn’t ever do it again. A few months later, the topic of alcohol came back up again and she had a different tune. She said that she wasn’t sure if she would go out and drink again or not. She also said that if she did, she wouldn’t do it in front of me.

- I noticed that she liked things on her friends’ Facebook pages that were sexual and VERY inappropriate.

- She had no problem going and hanging out with other guys, one-on-one. She even went to dinner with them, even though they were just her friends. While we were dating, she had contacted a friend from high school who she hadn’t seen for two years. She felt like she needed to "share the Gospel" with him, so she met him at a coffee shop for a couple of hours and talked. Call me old fashioned, but what is the point of dating me if you are with other men? I told her that I didn’t like it and that she said that she was surprised. She told me that her other boyfriends had jealousy issues and were always so controlling about who she was with. She believed that having jealousy was unhealthy. She wouldn’t have a problem with me hanging out with other girls as long as she knew about it (why would I want to be with some other girl when she was the only one who made me happy?). She didn’t like someone telling her that she couldn’t hang out with her friends (I never did that). She called me later sounding all happy and said that she wouldn’t hang out with other guys because she knew that it would make me happy.

- One day after cleaning my room, I had moved the gift (that she had made for me for my birthday) against the side of my bookshelf so that I could vacuum. It could not be seen. When she had come over, she had walked by my room at one point. Later, I noticed that as we were talking and sitting on the couch, she seemed like a little put out, a little distant. I asked her what was wrong and she said “Nothing. It’s just stupid”. I continued to ask her what was wrong when she proceeded to tell me that she got upset when she noticed that her gift was not in sight and against the bookshelf, which made her think that I didn’t like it and that I was embarrassed by it. I told her that I wish I knew what was bugging her the whole time and as to why she was acting the way that she was. I told her that I felt like I had done something wrong the whole time because of how she was toward me (I didn’t do anything wrong).

- I had talked to her about spending her birthday with her and hanging out since all of her family was busy. I had forgotten that my birthday party was that day and that I had to prepare for it. The night before, I texted her that I wouldn’t be able to spend the whole day with her, but only for a few hours instead. She responded with, “Ok”. I felt like that she was upset so I tried calling her and she didn’t answer. She then sent me a text that said that she was going to bed. I tried calling her again. She finally answered and sounded upset and said that every year, her birthday always “sucked” because everyone was too busy for her and that stuff always came up. I apologized and said that I still wanted to go to breakfast with her in the morning. She said that she didn’t know if she was going to or not. I finally convinced her about going. She then told me that she wasn’t really going to bed, she was just upset. She also said that she thought about not showing up in the morning (and I go to breakfast by myself), but that would have been mean.

- She didn’t like it that I said ‘’yes sir, no ma’am” and “yes ma’am, no ma’am” to her parents. In fact, she would get on to me for it. She said that I didn’t have to shake her Dad’s hand and that I didn’t have to hug her Mom every time that I went over to their house. She said that I didn’t have to be so formal around them.

- She talked quite a bit about her previous boyfriend who was a jerk and who abusive to her. When I was over at her house one time, she brought out a box that contained personal notes and keepsakes. She wanted to show me her favorite Bible verses that she had written down. In the box were some photos of her and her ex.

- One time when I was talking to her about beauty and stuff, she wondered if I thought that she was beautiful. When I assured her and tried to kiss her forehead, she turned away and started crying and said that I didn’t think that she was pretty. She always compared herself to other people. She struggles with self-esteem.-   Laura once asked me if I thought that she was a good Christian

- She said that God listened to other people and not to her because she wasn’t important enough (this was when she couldn’t find a job during our relationship).

- She said that she didn’t deserve to be dating someone like me, nor did she deserve to be friends with someone like me.

- There were a few times that I didn’t hear her phone calls and I told her that I missed them and that I was sorry. She responded with, “I’m not worth talking to anyway”.

- She told me that she has been in a dark time for the last few years and that she just hides it well. She also revealed to me that she is so angry. When I asked about what, she responded with “everything”. She said that I deserved someone good and so much better than her and then what she could offer.

- Early in our relationship, she told me that she was afraid of being alone.

- She once asked me if I wanted her to wear more make up (since she didn’t wear a whole lot). I responded by saying that if she wanted to (wasn't sure how to answer her). She started crying and said that I wouldn’t like her or find her attractive now unless she wore make up to cover up her “plainness”. Only then would I find her attractive.

- When I got into her car once, she had her radio playing. As I started to speak, she cut me off and said, "hold on, this is one of my favorite songs". She didn’t want to talk until after the song was over.

One time, she looked over at me and said, ''you know, I am always right''.

- She said that her parents never talked to her or her siblings about different issues. All they said was “don’t do this or that, because I said not to”. There was never any explaining as to why not do certain things. She had to learn what not to do by looking at her siblings' mistakes.

- Her siblings joked about taking her out to different pubs and bars on her birthday. She reluctantly said “noo” (mostly because I was in the room, not because she didn’t want to). Her Mom even said that she could tell by my face that I was “freaking out” (which I wasn't). She said that she probably would be dragged into it. I told her that she had the choice not to go and she was like, ‘’yeah”.

-she said something to me, along the lines that "most men think that sex is supposed to happen on the wedding night".

I have exceeded the maximum length of words allowed for this post... .please continue reading below in the next post. Thanks

[artdude]

I just need to get this all off my chest. Where do I begin?... .

Back in March of this year, I was matched with this girl on a Christian dating website. We started to get to know one another by talking to each other through Skype. We got along pretty well and had similar interests. Come to find out, we had many friends in common. Several weeks passed and we talked about meeting one another in person. We ended up going on our first date to a nearby restaurant.

We talked about our families, our upbringings, our Christian faith, when we were saved, etc. We talked for the next 3 hours until the restaurant closed. We then grabbed some dessert and talked until the ice-cream place closed as well.

We then drove around talking about different things in our town. I took her to my house to meet my parents. She stayed and talked for a while and finally needed to go home. Our first date lasted 8 hours long. Pretty much a success, I‘d say.

We continued to hang out all the time from then on. We’d see each other almost daily. We would talk for hours and hours and never got bored with one another. No one could make me laugh as much as she did.

We soon became boyfriend and girlfriend and we began to share pieces of our hearts with one another. We would tell each other that we cared for one another and that we missed each other. We also held hands and would hug each other (nothing sexual ever happened, don’t worry).

The more that I began to know her, the more that my heart fell for her. She shared with me how her family was messed up (even though she comes from a Christian home) and how her family is so dysfunctional. She shared how some of her family members had issues with suicide attempts and how others had gotten pregnant out of wedlock, and so on.

She shared how one of her past boyfriends was physically abusive to her. Nothing upsets me more when someone is mistreated and wronged. She would cry with me about things that were on her heart. I was always gentle, sweet and kind with her. I wanted to show her how a man is supposed to treat a woman.

As we continued to grow in our relationship, we started saying “I love you” to one another. Nothing meant more to me than to hear her say those words. How sweet they were!

As time passed, she began to share pieces of her past. She was afraid by telling me these things that I would run off. I told her nonsense and that I cared for her. I told her that "it didn’t matter what she did in her past, it wouldn’t keep me from loving her".

She shared with me how she never had someone be so kind and sweet to her. She didn’t have the best relationship with her father and has never seen a true male role model in her life.

One time when I was walking her out to her car, I hugged her and started to pray over her because of what she was going through in her life. Her body started to shake a little and she began to weep. Emotions just swept over her. She said that she never had anyone pray over her before. There was another time where she just hugged me and buried her head into my chest (she was shorter than me) and started crying. I asked her if she was okay and she said "yes, these are tears of joy. I've never had anyone care as much about me as you do".

She was sweet, kind, and funny with me. Of course there were times where she got frustrated about things in life, but she was everything that I wanted in a future spouse. We started talking about our future and that we saw being with each other for a long time. She told me that she could never find anyone else like me and that she saw herself being married to me and having kids with me. She said that I was her dream guy and that I was all the things that she always wanted in someone. Neither of us wanted to be with anyone else….

Farther into our relationship though, I began to notice some things.

- Some of her friends who were super close to her are not good influences. One to be exact would drink, talk about getting wasted, sexual innuendos, used the f-word constantly (among other choice words), was very immature and acted like he was 16 years old (even though he is in his late 20’s). She would laugh at the sexual comments. She would hang out with these friends when we were not together, but would not hang out when I was around. She even made excuses for them saying that they were Christians and that they prayed. She even went to their houses to hang out.

- There were some things that didn’t line up with what we first talked about in the beginning of our relationship. For example, she agreed with me on different things and had the same mindset (or so I thought). She had shared how she had used to drink in her past but was ashamed of it and wouldn’t ever do it again. A few months later, the topic of alcohol came back up again and she had a different tune. She said that she wasn’t sure if she would go out and drink again or not. She also said that if she did, she wouldn’t do it in front of me.

- I noticed that she liked things on her friends’ Facebook pages that were sexual and VERY inappropriate.

- She had no problem going and hanging out with other guys, one-on-one. She even went to dinner with them, even though they were just her friends. While we were dating, she had contacted a friend from high school who she hadn’t seen for two years. She felt like she needed to "share the Gospel" with him, so she met him at a coffee shop for a couple of hours and talked. Call me old fashioned, but what is the point of dating me if you are with other men? I told her that I didn’t like it and that she said that she was surprised. She told me that her other boyfriends had jealousy issues and were always so controlling about who she was with. She believed that having jealousy was unhealthy. She wouldn’t have a problem with me hanging out with other girls as long as she knew about it (why would I want to be with some other girl when she was the only one who made me happy?). She didn’t like someone telling her that she couldn’t hang out with her friends (I never did that). She called me later sounding all happy and said that she wouldn’t hang out with other guys because she knew that it would make me happy.

- One day after cleaning my room, I had moved the gift (that she had made for me for my birthday) against the side of my bookshelf so that I could vacuum. It could not be seen. When she had come over, she had walked by my room at one point. Later, I noticed that as we were talking and sitting on the couch, she seemed like a little put out, a little distant. I asked her what was wrong and she said “Nothing. It’s just stupid”. I continued to ask her what was wrong when she proceeded to tell me that she got upset when she noticed that her gift was not in sight and against the bookshelf, which made her think that I didn’t like it and that I was embarrassed by it. I told her that I wish I knew what was bugging her the whole time and as to why she was acting the way that she was. I told her that I felt like I had done something wrong the whole time because of how she was toward me (I didn’t do anything wrong).

- I had talked to her about spending her birthday with her and hanging out since all of her family was busy. I had forgotten that my birthday party was that day and that I had to prepare for it. The night before, I texted her that I wouldn’t be able to spend the whole day with her, but only for a few hours instead. She responded with, “Ok”. I felt like that she was upset so I tried calling her and she didn’t answer. She then sent me a text that said that she was going to bed. I tried calling her again. She finally answered and sounded upset and said that every year, her birthday always “sucked” because everyone was too busy for her and that stuff always came up. I apologized and said that I still wanted to go to breakfast with her in the morning. She said that she didn’t know if she was going to or not. I finally convinced her about going. She then told me that she wasn’t really going to bed, she was just upset. She also said that she thought about not showing up in the morning (and I go to breakfast by myself), but that would have been mean.

- She didn’t like it that I said ‘’yes sir, no ma’am” and “yes ma’am, no ma’am” to her parents. In fact, she would get on to me for it. She said that I didn’t have to shake her Dad’s hand and that I didn’t have to hug her Mom every time that I went over to their house. She said that I didn’t have to be so formal around them.

- She talked quite a bit about her previous boyfriend who was a jerk and who abusive to her. When I was over at her house one time, she brought out a box that contained personal notes and keepsakes. She wanted to show me her favorite Bible verses that she had written down. In the box were some photos of her and her ex.

- One time when I was talking to her about beauty and stuff, she wondered if I thought that she was beautiful. When I assured her and tried to kiss her forehead, she turned away and started crying and said that I didn’t think that she was pretty. She always compared herself to other people. She struggles with self-esteem.-   Laura once asked me if I thought that she was a good Christian

- She said that God listened to other people and not to her because she wasn’t important enough (this was when she couldn’t find a job during our relationship).

- She said that she didn’t deserve to be dating someone like me, nor did she deserve to be friends with someone like me.

- There were a few times that I didn’t hear her phone calls and I told her that I missed them and that I was sorry. She responded with, “I’m not worth talking to anyway”.

- She told me that she has been in a dark time for the last few years and that she just hides it well. She also revealed to me that she is so angry. When I asked about what, she responded with “everything”. She said that I deserved someone good and so much better than her and then what she could offer.

- Early in our relationship, she told me that she was afraid of being alone.

- She once asked me if I wanted her to wear more make up (since she didn’t wear a whole lot). I responded by saying that if she wanted to (wasn't sure how to answer her). She started crying and said that I wouldn’t like her or find her attractive now unless she wore make up to cover up her “plainness”. Only then would I find her attractive.

- When I got into her car once, she had her radio playing. As I started to speak, she cut me off and said, "hold on, this is one of my favorite songs". She didn’t want to talk until after the song was over.

One time, she looked over at me and said, ''you know, I am always right''.

- She said that her parents never talked to her or her siblings about different issues. All they said was “don’t do this or that, because I said not to”. There was never any explaining as to why not do certain things. She had to learn what not to do by looking at her siblings' mistakes.

- Her siblings joked about taking her out to different pubs and bars on her birthday. She reluctantly said “noo” (mostly because I was in the room, not because she didn’t want to). Her Mom even said that she could tell by my face that I was “freaking out” (which I wasn't). She said that she probably would be dragged into it. I told her that she had the choice not to go and she was like, ‘’yeah”.

-she said something to me, along the lines that "most men think that sex is supposed to happen on the wedding night".

I have exceeded the maximum length of words allowed for this post... .please continue reading below in the next post. Thanks

[artdude]

Continued... .

I talked to her about several issues that I had with her (my motive was restoration). I was as kind as I could be with her. She said that she didn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore and that it wasn’t working out. All those phone calls, all those texts, all those “I love you”, “I miss you”, “I don’t want to be with anyone else” messages simply stopped.

I learned that she was not a virgin. In fact, she lost her virginity to the boyfriend who abused her. She thought that their relationship would get better, so she stayed with him for way too long. She wept with me in the fact that she was not a virgin and she told me that it was a one-time thing. I told her that I understood and that God could restore her and forgive her. She expressed her concern in how she thought that every time I would see her, I would think of her losing her virginity, and not thinking of her, the individual. I told her that this was nonsense and that I never thought of it. I forgave her and told her that I loved her.

She shared how when she was younger, she wore a purity ring and believed in abstinence. She ended up losing her ring and hasn't bought one since. I encouraged her to buy the ring again. She ended up doing it and was excited (As one who also wears a purity ring and who still is a virgin, I thought that this was awesome!). I told her that I was proud of her.

Soon after we broke up, I believe that she stopped wearing it. Part of me wonders if she only bought it because of me... .Part of me wonders if many of the things that she did, she only did them because of ME, not because they were her actual beliefs... .

She sent me a message saying that she was in love with someone who was thousands of miles away. She called me and said that it was complicated and that she didn’t know why she said those things and that it was all just foolish and that she didn’t love the guy after all.

She revealed to me that she dated me for what she called the right reasons. She then said that she thought that if she dated a good Christian guy, that it would fix her. She thought that if she was with me, it would bring her closer to God. She said that only she could bring herself closer to Him.

She said that she always felt guilty and bad about herself when she was around me. I always encouraged her, always lifted her up, how could I make her feel bad? She said that she felt good about herself and could be herself with her other friends, but not with me. She said that she couldn't be herself around me and that she was afraid of me seeing the real her, who she said was mean.

She made up foolish reasons as to why SHE THOUGHT that I dated her and she questioned me as to whether or not that I really loved her. She said that she didn't know that I really cared about her until after we broke up. These things hurt me very deeply. I always asked her how I could pray for her and she never once asked me how she could pray for me in return.

I learned more and more about her. She has emotional issues... .She used to cut when she was younger and almost took up smoking while we were dating due to being a really low point (I found this out after we broke up). She constantly compared herself to others and to me. She said that she was so bad and that I was so good.

She recently called me and wanted to see how I was doing. When she asked me some questions, I gave her honest answers and she got really upset and started tearing me down and accusing me of lying and all this other stuff. She told me on the phone that she wanted to die and how she thought that Heaven would be a better place to live than here on earth.  She said that she has been so unhappy for a very long time. She asked where God was (as in Him not being present in her life). She called me a liar and said that I thought that she was going to Hell.  She said that I don’t know what real emotions are, or not hers anyway. She said that I never wanted to listen to what she had to say and that I always judged her. She hung up on me three times while I was talking to her.

I think about all the sweet things that she said to me. All the serious times where she just shared her heart with me and where she cried about her fears and her struggles in life. How could someone be so genuine and sweet with you and then change so suddenly?

I truly loved her with all of my heart. I was good to her even when she wasn’t good to me. I was about her and she was about herself.

I write all this out, spewing all my feelings... .I feel so lost… so hurt… like the wind has been knocked out of my sails…

Have any of you been in my shoes before? What advice can you all give me?

[Lady31]

artdude -

The advice I would give you is to leave her alone!  I am a Christian also, with very strong convictions.  It's hard sometimes because there are many out there that think you are extreme with your beliefs.  I say - that's ok - let them - I'm walking in the blessing!  

My exh (HORRIBLE abuse and stayed through it because of my beliefs and difficulty accepting a divorce) on the SURFACE had the same belief system I did and knew the Christian lingo very well.  I married him and it was the WORST decision I have ever made - HANDS DOWN.  (There were signs and I ignored them -  you are seeing signs now.)

From one Christian to another - God has a very specific plan for your life.  Your spouse will "fit" with that plan.  She does not fit.  She is not the same as your are regarding her beliefs and moral convictions.  This is too serious of a decision to compromise.  :)on't even attempt it.  That is the "seduction" - see it for what it is and let her go, heal, move on and look for the woman God really does have for you.

[saw_tooth]

Artdude,

BPD is a complex disorder and is not very easy to diagnose.Whether or not she has it doesn't matter though.What matters is that her behavior was abusive and caused you pain despite you loving her.

She has an almost negligent self esteem and is full of loathing,shame and is emotionally immature for an adult relationship.

Even if she would have stayed with you,you would have been the giver/rescuer all along and it would not have been a balanced relationship.A healthy relationship is reciprocal,always.

You deserve stability and a person who can meet you at least halfway when it comes to emotional fulfillment and reciprocity.

I suggest spending more time focusing on your healing and moving forward as against ruminating on the past trying to find answers.

Take care,good luck.