Slanderous conversations and emails

[Our abuse recovery guide]

For the past year, I've had minimal interaction with my uBPDm, and have told her that I would end our conversations if they started going in a negative direction. This is a drastic change after 15 years of just taking whatever she threw at me.

Since then, she's decided to reach out to what feels like every mutual friend and acquaintance that we have and tell them slanderous things about me and my DH. There are at least 20 people who have come to me and told me that she has contacted them and said these things. A few of the people she's contacted she doesn't even know; She has just discovered through the grapevine that they know me to some degree.

This is extremely embarrassing and hurtful. I don't know the best way to deal with it. I'm concerned that if I tell her to stop, she'll get pleasure out of knowing A) I found out and B) That it hurt me. And it probably wouldn't cause her to stop. However, doing nothing isn't working either.

Help! Thanks.

[Justme1]

For the past year, I've had minimal interaction with my uBPDm, and have told her that I would end our conversations if they started going in a negative direction. This is a drastic change after 15 years of just taking whatever she threw at me.

Since then, she's decided to reach out to what feels like every mutual friend and acquaintance that we have and tell them slanderous things about me and my DH. There are at least 20 people who have come to me and told me that she has contacted them and said these things. A few of the people she's contacted she doesn't even know; She has just discovered through the grapevine that they know me to some degree.

This is extremely embarrassing and hurtful. I don't know the best way to deal with it. I'm concerned that if I tell her to stop, she'll get pleasure out of knowing A) I found out and B) That it hurt me. And it probably wouldn't cause her to stop. However, doing nothing isn't working either.

Help! Thanks.

[GeekyGirl]

I can imagine how embarrassing and hurtful this is, but how much do these friends and acquaintances' opinions matter to you? If some of them don't know your mother, how likely are they to believe her?

Sometimes someone with BPD will try to triangulate, or bring others into a disagreement. Check this out: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0. Does this sound at all like what's going on with your mother?

[Clearmind]

The hardest however the best thing to do is not engage, don’t justify, argue, defend or explain your relationship to these outsiders.

Given she is trying to cause drama – step outside the triangle. She is ill and is trying to save face. She believes in her mind that you would be doing the same thing – you may not be!

How are you coping with hearing what is being said?

What you can do is ask these people to not tell you these things – do you feel comfortable setting a boundary to these outsiders? If so, what do you think you could say?

[Justme1]

I've been handling it differently with different people. With good friends, I feel a need to explain, at least in general terms what's happening. However, with newer friends, I tend to simply say that it's a complicated situation and the things she said aren't true. Aside from hurting me, it hurts the other people who are involved. Some of them have taken it upon themselves to respond to her (I've actually told them they'd be best off ignoring her), and then my mom turns her anger at them personally. My close friends know the things she's saying aren't true, but newer friends and acquaintances are caught off guard. Some of them have chosen to quit communicating with me simply because they either believe what she said or they don't want to get involved, which is understandable.

I've chosen to not confront my mom about this. And I'm advising other people to ignore her. I've also asked one friend in particular to not tell me if my mom contacts her. Hopefully with time, she'll realize she's not getting anywhere by doing this and will stop. However, in the meantime she's hurting and confusing a lot of people. She's the type that seems to never give up. :/