Post if you initiated Breakup

[Depression = 72% of members]

U hear a lot of accounts of our ex's doing the leaving. I left my uBPDgf 3 weeks ago and was wondering what to expect from people that have done the same. She contacted me 2 weeks ago. She was a crying delusional mess. Sounded drunk but claimed she wasn't. That was our 19th breakup in 2 years. We work together so it was real easy to recycle. Saw her briefly in the office last week and she couldn't even look at me. She stormed out of office.

This time though I am staying away from her and have not initiated any contact in the 3 week period. She has been quiet too. I'm hoping this is it and I'll never hear or see her again. What has your experience been like?

[nyfit1]

U hear a lot of accounts of our ex's doing the leaving. I left my uBPDgf 3 weeks ago and was wondering what to expect from people that have done the same. She contacted me 2 weeks ago. She was a crying delusional mess. Sounded drunk but claimed she wasn't. That was our 19th breakup in 2 years. We work together so it was real easy to recycle. Saw her briefly in the office last week and she couldn't even look at me. She stormed out of office.

This time though I am staying away from her and have not initiated any contact in the 3 week period. She has been quiet too. I'm hoping this is it and I'll never hear or see her again. What has your experience been like?

[Juno]

I wish you better luck than my breakup. I have learned they will resort to anything to get you back into their lives. They don't care who gets hurt or in the way. There is some sort of abandonment trauma that overcomes any rational thoughts. My situation was about as bad as anyone could imagine. I still received letters from her for 10 years after the breakup. Now after 26 years she is still sending me msg's through facebook. I received a letter from her a few months ago that was delivered to my company mailbox as well. What I have learned is it is best NOT to make any contact. They're whole goal is to establish contact. They want to keep communicating with you because it keeps you in their lives. I promise you it will never get better if you communicate with them. It will only make it worse and you'll never get rid of them. I know this sounds harsh, but I have been fighting this battle for 26 years and I'm still dealing with it. I would hate anyone to go through what I have been through.

[nyfit1]

Hey Juno. That's unreal. U would think she would have found someone else to dump on. My ex was still in contact with all her xbfs. She swore to me that she has too much pride to ever contact an X. Especially if he broke up with her. I would think her pride would stop her from contacting me again.

[Waifed]

nyfit

Similar situation here as you.  She worked for me for 6 years.  We dated the last three.  We recycled many many times.  It was always initiated by a simple text from her... ."Hi".  I always knew it was coming within a couple of days.  I had decided to break it off with her after I looked at her email and found out that she cheated on me during her overseas trip.  I told her she could continue to work for me but everyone in the office would have a copy of the "evidence" I had of her cheating.  She resigned immediately.  She was truly shamed and was devastated because she knew I would never forgive her.  We had great sex for about a month after that until I couldn't deal with her anymore.  She became very clingy.  I immediately went no initial contact but she would text me like clockwork every other day.  After I met with my "P" a couple weeks later, I told her that she might have BPD and that I would help her with therapy costs.  Two days later I receive an email asking me to stop harassing her, that she was changing her number and contacting an attorney.  I responded by saying I was not the one contacting her.  Four hours later I get a call from the Police asking me not to contact her friends, family or her.  I started to tell him I could contact whoever I wanted, but I said "no problem" and the rest is history 2-1/2 months later.

[alliance]

I initiated the last break up. Ask my ex and she will say she did. 

People w BPD are notorious for saying stuff they don't mean. Given their needs, they never give up on you. They cant. They may need to fall back on you.

Has nothing to do with you btw. You are merely a tool for them. And you, their ex, a stranger, an oak tree... .all interchangeable.

[Juno]

Nyfit,

My situation is probably as bad as it gets when it comes to having a relationship with a person with a BPD. I doubt yours will be as bad as mine. I just joined this site and wrote in detail about what happened to me in my Intro. The woman I was involved with was my high school teacher. I was very young and naïve at the time and she really took advantage of that. I never wanted to have a relationship with her. I just thought we were friends, but she had other ideals. She was married and is still married to the same man today. She became very attached to me and was willing to lose everything in her life to stay with me. When this became clear to me that she had lost all rationality I ended it. But the damage had been done. I would try to end things then she would send me a letter that made me guilty and we would get back together. In the end, all I was doing was rewarding bad behavior by giving in. This in turn made the attraction even stronger. She used to tell me all the time "People want what that can't have." Bottom line is this... .You can not under any circumstances allow any type of communication. It's a lifeline to them and once you give in they will hammer away at you to get some type of response. They don't care if it's good, bad, or ugly. All they want is contact and then your right back at square one.  Good luck my friend.

[Waifed]

I initiated the last break up. Ask my ex and she will say she did. 

People w BPD are notorious for saying stuff they don't mean. Given their needs, they never give up on you. They cant. They may need to fall back on you.

Has nothing to do with you btw. You are merely a tool for them. And you, their ex, a stranger, an oak tree... .all interchangeable.

bold

I don't totally think this is the case for all BPD.  I think many of them do truly love certain people in their lives.  Juno's exBPDgf probably truly is in love with him.  I think many that do love will contact you obsessively and others feel shame for their behaviors and will never contact the ones they feel like they lost due to their poor actions.  They all may have BPD, but they are also human with their own identities.

[eyvindr]

I take responsibility for ending mine, though it wasn't my intention at all. I simply couldn't take any of my ex's over-the-top emotional drama anymore, and one Friday, after she'd harassed me all afternoon about what our plans for the evening were going to be and we'd finally determined them, she txtd me to tell me she was going to be late because all kind of chaos was happening at home. Truth: Her landlord had replaced her fridge, and she said he'd forgotten to plug it in, and that all her groceries had spoiled. These were the same groceries that she'd just had her father replace when, earlier in the week, she had thrown out all of her groceries because (she claimed) there was a power brownout in her neighborhood. She has 2 fridges, and she keeps thermometers in both of them, to monitor the temperature continually, because she has a major phobia about food poisoning (yet refuses to cook and lives almost 100% on prepared and froizen foods... .). Of course, she thought the reasonable thing would be for me to drop our plans and come over and re-stock her fridge for her.

Instead, I made the mistake of advising her to just take care of it and come over when she was done. This starts an argument about how I must not care about her, because the chivalrous thing to do would be to come over and help, it was so obvious, how could I not see that? yada yada yada... .

It's absurd to recount, really -- the final moment of our 2-yr+ relationship took place over the phone, and was triggered by needlessly wasted groceries. But I'd had enough, and after she started arguing with me, I simply told her that I wasn't going to do that, and she could stay home if it was going to be that big of an issue. She hung up on me, then immediately txtd me not to call or text her that weekend because she couldn't have any negativity in her life, and she was on her way to have a play date with one of her friends and his son, and that she'd talk to me the next week.

Mind you, this was ONE WEEK before she was scheduled to have some major surgery. Weekend comes and goes, no contact. Next week comes and goes -- no contact. Did I reach out to her? Admittedly, no -- because I was truly over this juvenile behavior. So, the surgery date comes and goes, and I hear nothing -- for nearly three weeks, and then she starts texting me to tell me, alternately, that I'm an evil and cold-hearted ___hole for abandoning her and begging me to come and see her in the hospital, we don't even have to talk about the relationship, just come and see me... .

Then, after nearly a month of nothing but a ceaseless stream of hateful emails and txt messages from her (things like, "I almost died. Not that you give a ___. Pig!", she shows up on my porch, in the rain, at 11 in the evening, claiming it's all been one big misunderstanding and wanting to know if we were still together. I told her no, she left in tears, and she hasn't stopped ranting at me since.

I mean, you can't make this stuff up. So, who ended it? I think what really happened was, when she didn't call me the following week, what she WANTED to happen, and EXPECTED to happen, because it always had before, was for me to reach out to her (read: be the bigger person), have to beg for her forgiveness, because she would never admit that anything she'd done to trigger the incident was anything but a normal reaction to stress -- and then have me to lean on for the duration of her surgery and recovery, claiming that she saw everything so much more clearly now, and could overlook all of the petty things that used to bother her so much -- and I would believe her.

And, I would have, but less than I had in the past, because I've been disappointed by this scene of hers more than once before. But, I didn't have to, because by not reaching out when she didn't call me back, I unknowingly changed the whole "script" on her -- I clearly was not playing the role she'd cast me in, or at best I was playing it very poorly, and, worse, I was w-a-y off-script! So, of course my decision was met with (and still is) anger, hate, rage, accusations, etc. Because the last thing pwBPD want is for their characters to go off-script.

But, I can look myself in the mirror each day and not be disappointed in who I am.

[eyvindr]

Waifed --

I agree.

I don't totally think this is the case for all BPD.  I think many of them do truly love certain people in their lives.  Juno's exBPDgf probably truly is in love with him.  I think many that do love will contact you obsessively and others feel shame for their behaviors and will never contact the ones they feel like they lost due to their poor actions. They all may have BPD, but they are also human with their own identities.

I think that's true. Well said.

[DownandOut]

I initiated the b/u but my uBPDexgf pushed me to it. With my T, I just recently read over the last conversation we had after the b/u and I have to say it was a real hit to the head. She was all over the place in terms of her feelings towards me. She went from she cares about me soo much, she loves me and she doesn't want to lose me to I can't change my feelings and the passion just wasn't there, and she is too messed up for me. It was interesting to reread because I told her that I didn't know who she really is (this was before I learned about BPD) - she reacted extremely defensive to that and told me that I was trying to make her feel like crap about herself to make myself feel better (not true). I basically just couldn't do it anymore, it was two years of nonstop push/pull and I'd had enough. I was suspicious that she might have been cheating on me with someone I had in mind specifically and it turns out my intuition was at least half right - a week after the b/u she was in what appeared to be a full blown relationship with this person. We've been NC for almost 3 months and I fear that she might reengage me because I truly don't know how I would react. Regardless of what I say on these boards, I will always have a soft spot for this crazy woman that entered my life and left me as a shell of myself. The good news is that there's a lot of room for improvement.

[LaSuede]

bold

I don't totally think this is the case for all BPD.  I think many of them do truly love certain people in their lives.  Juno's exBPDgf probably truly is in love with him.  I think many that do love will contact you obsessively and others feel shame for their behaviors and will never contact the ones they feel like they lost due to their poor actions.  They all may have BPD, but they are also human with their own identities.[/quote]
Totally agree on that one. Gone thru the phases for sure with my pwBPDexbf.

Finally, after an aggressive, violent and self-destrucive day/night (all in front of our son).

I broke.

We still met. Me sort of awaited him to become the person he "wanted to".

He in 12 step program.

Between crying so much, loving so much, his heart bursted. Fighting for us.

A lot of those feeling I intuitively know was true, still know (while others, when obsessed by writing love-poems, it was more: "saying instead of doing" the "fake" BPD version).

Did not know he had BPD then.

Finally when getting to know, he flees.

The one that "break up" the break up, "destroying" - by all means - the possibility to find back in good... .(Well, now I know that's sort of impossible if not longterm therapy - which he got offered though and fled from too... .)

He choosed else.

Now, for sure, ashamed.

And for that: just wants to start a new life. Again.

Knowing this time he lost a family, his family, the one that lasted the longest, meant the most, his behaviour killed it. Sort of forever. (We'll see about our son and him in the future).

So go into "self-medication". Instead.

No, all pwBPD are not alike. There is also different mix up with other deseases, and sometime abusive childhood, all makes up differencies emotionally of course.

Combined with all the things that in everyone of us, make us different.

I think, I belive, that the black/hatred/anger/Verbal abuse - that is sort of the same.

Not the "love". Always.

[EdR]

Two days later I receive an email asking me to stop harassing her, that she was changing her number and contacting an attorney.  I responded by saying I was not the one contacting her.  Four hours later I get a call from the Police asking me not to contact her friends, family or her.  I started to tell him I could contact whoever I wanted, but I said "no problem" and the rest is history 2-1/2 months later.

The quote scares me a little. I already asked it in a different thread as well, hope to get an answer in this one :-)

Is this actually BPD-standard behaviour? Not just pushing you away themselves, but using 'external methods' if they really can't cope anymore?  (not only police or attorney, but also friends, colleagues etc.)

I somehow feel it would really fit her... .makes me wonder if I well-meant message to show you care, could already be risky... .:-(

[EdR]

* a well-meant

(where is the modify button :-P )

[Waifed]

Two days later I receive an email asking me to stop harassing her, that she was changing her number and contacting an attorney.  I responded by saying I was not the one contacting her.  Four hours later I get a call from the Police asking me not to contact her friends, family or her.  I started to tell him I could contact whoever I wanted, but I said "no problem" and the rest is history 2-1/2 months later.

The quote scares me a little. I already asked it in a different thread as well, hope to get an answer in this one :-)

Is this actually BPD-standard behaviour? Not just pushing you away themselves, but using 'external methods' if they really can't cope anymore?  (not only police or attorney, but also friends, colleagues etc.)

I somehow feel it would really fit her... .makes me wonder if I well-meant message to show you care, could already be risky... .:-(

I don't know if it is standard behavior but I have heard several similar stories on here.  I will say that I never in a million years would have thought she would have gone to this extreme.  This is a woman who never raised her voice and the last time I saw her we were on good terms.  I was floored. 

[Waifed]

* a well-meant

(where is the modify button :-P )

top right corner of your post

[Holliday]

... .because I've been disappointed by this scene of hers more than once before. But, I didn't have to, because by not reaching out when she didn't call me back, I unknowingly changed the whole "script" on her -- I clearly was not playing the role she'd cast me in, or at best I was playing it very poorly, and, worse, I was w-a-y off-script! So, of course my decision was met with (and still is) anger, hate, rage, accusations, etc. Because the last thing pwBPD want is for their characters to go off-script.

But, I can look myself in the mirror each day and not be disappointed in who I am.

This is awesome! Right away I laughed, Eyvindr, when you said "You can't make this up" because when I'm venting to the only person still willing to listen to me vent about the insanity of my exBPDbf's logic -- I say exactly that.

I like your analogy that we are characters in their script. When we don't do the dance as we've been taught by them all this time... or give off the best performance on stage as we had in rehearsal... they become heavily disappointed in us. Followed with their: storming off set... breaking props (themselves) and recasting our characters...

I have detached today. 2 days ago we had a typical incident where he was yet again falling backwards and for some odd reason... I simply... stepped aside... instead of catching him! And I don't want to step back into that role again. Into those shoes again. Into the driver's seat of another person's life... again.

It scares me to think I could endure years of backlash as I've read from others on here... but the only person with the strength to act here is me, and I got pretty good at it over 1.5yrs and 9-10 recycles... .So why not be the star of my own play for a change...

[numbr3]

I divorced my uBPDh.  he recycled me for 2 years and I kept falling for it.  I finally blocked my phone and went NC (4yrs)   I couldn't stand the pain and how he used me (for sex and venting his vindictiveness and anger)  He even tells mutual friends that he is the one who divorced me!  Wow the amount of their lies. Things that can be verified and are a public record.

It just continues on, he tries to recycle in between girlfriends (I never respond)  When he is with a new woman he attempts to rub it in by showing her off to mutual friends and my family so I hear about his new "love".  I take comfort that she is just an object for him to feel better about himself. She just doesn't know it yet-poor girl.

I have finally realized that his behavior will never stop. I am now removed from the equation and he acts the same.  I surmise it wasn't me after all.  He is not getting better-he is worse. He is a pathological liar.  At least now I am strong enough to resist his attempts.

[bruisedbattered]

I ended my relationship last week after my exBPDgf had her final outburst in public with me that I could handle.   Today is day 7 nc, and its tough... .   She continues to try to lure me in with sex, stating we dont need to be friends, and can pretend we are strangers in public however she wants to continue a sexual relationship... .    wow, if only that were possible... .     ive been on this site now since day 1 for support, and to read that we all have similar issues/stories.  I feel fortunate as there are no children involved as Ive read some horror stories.   Having read some of the pregnancy stories, Im reminded of early in our relationship she told me that she had spoken with a fortune teller, and that she was going to have a very fruitfull relationship, and that she was very fertile... .   I couldnt see the forest for the trees, and in hindsight i am so lucky she didnt get pregnant as we had lots of unprotected sex as she said she was on the pill.   How naive, and stupid was I?  So thankful I dodged the bullet.    She needs a warning sign tatooed to her forehead to warn future victims... .   cheers to NC! 

[peas]

I sometimes wonder post-r/s who broke up with whom. In my mind, he totally broke up with me. But it could also be mutual. I would love it if he thought I was the one doing the breaking up   

Maybe you can help me. Here are the facts:

-- we had a fight in the evening that he started. Drunk, at a bar. He made a sexual comment about the bartendress who had a big butt. I shot him a dirty look. Hell broke loose. He started telling me to leave the bar if I didn't like it.

-- we continued the fight at his house. He starts railing at me that I seriously damaged the r/s with my "jealousy and drama." 

-- I walked away from him mid-fight and left the house (there was no arguing with a drunk uBPD person who had been detaching and devaluing for weeks). I left moments after he removed the promise ring he bought himself. He bought his and mine together as a r/s bonding token. Him removing his ring was like a stab to my gut.

-- I stayed away the whole night at a friend's house.

-- I wake up in the morning with a text saying come get my stuff, we're done.

-- I texted back that I know we're done and I would get my things after he left for work.

-- We texted back and forth after I got my things. I asked him how he could be in love with me then suddenly not be in love with me. He responded: "You took your ___ and left."

Since that night, I tried for the next couple of weeks to make peace to at least leave with a modicum of civility understand what went wrong. He continued his hostility, our communications (all text) devolved into name calling and he threatened to call the cops if I kept trying to contact. We've been NC almost four months.

I see all this as him dumping me. But sometimes I wonder if he thought I dumped him because I walked out while he was yelling at me. I walked out because something in me that night told me not to take it anymore. I would not have felt good about myself if I let him rage and just and tried to defuse the situation and hoped he was not angry in the morning.

Important sidenote: I "left" him one month into our seven-month r/s because I had to relocate a couple hundred miles away for a job. Although we continued the r/s long distance and I saw him on weekends, I wonder if when he said "you left" whether he meant I left the night of the last argument or I left in general and he was done. I think it's a mix of both. He resented me throughout the r/s for taking a job out of town.

[goldylamont]

i broke up with my ex twice. once at the 2 year mark, we were apart for maybe 3 weeks or so before reconciling. then i broke up with her right at 4 years. so, it seemed like we could make it around 2 years before things came to a head.

i actually can't remember specifics about the first breakup, no idea actually what happened. but i do remember still wanting to be with her. i don't consider the next 2 years a recycle per say since we were only apart for less than a month. and after this first break when we got back together we did a really healthy exercise (i just made it up but i think some r/s counselors use a similar technique) where both of us wrote down 2 lists. the first list was what we needed out of the r/s. the other list was what we thought the other person wanted. then we exchanged lists, realized we were off about what we thought the other person needed, and also got to truly see what both of us wanted. we kept the scraps of paper that each of us wrote saying what we needed with us to keep us on track. it was nice actually, i could pull out a little piece of paper from my wallet in her handwriting with things i knew were important for her, and she had the same from me. for the most part i think both of us worked to do the things we needed for each other which is why we made it another 2 years.

the 2nd and final break; well i broke up with her over the phone. we were arguing before the christmas holidays and ended up not spending it together (long story). she was with her family and i stayed home and visited friends in our hometown. kept in touch with ex on the phone--initially things were strained but civil. i missed her and sensed she felt the same for me. but maybe after a week or so any time we were on the phone she'd be rude, dismissive, acted like talking to me was an annoying chore. and asking if there was something wrong would just be met with a "no" but then of course more passive aggressive punishment. she was supposed to come back from her family after christmas but decided to stay longer. i was ok with this. but then she calls and says she isn't even coming back for new years, doesn't know how long she'd be away, the passive aggressiveness over the phone was heavy. after several weeks of being disrespected by her on the phone, during one conversation, without any premeditation or anything, i just told her i couldn't do this any more. i was in too much pain and she wouldn't discuss anything. i told her i wanted to break up, and she asked "are you sure? you're sure are you?"--it felt like a challenge, and it was. if either of us ever mentioned ending the r/s she would always let me know that i would be terribly sorry for crossing her in this fashion. and, now i see why.

but i'm so glad that i listened to this voice and ended the r/s then. i found out during the christmas break that she initiated video chat with a guy she used to date before we got together--he lived in a different country, so no physical cheating but emotional for sure. and i could see a direct correlation to when she started talking with him again and when she started treating me bad over the phone. so, what i learned from this was that i was only useful to her at this point when she wasn't emotionally engaged with someone else. and i saw this play out several times over after our breakup--she would be sweet tea to me when she was angry with whomever she was in a r/s with, but if she was "happy" with them it gave her pleasure to treat me like crap. very telling and why i know i made the right decision. this wasn't always the dynamic during our 4 yrs, but it's definitely how it ended.

i feel both me and my ex are too proud and don't want to look weak to each other. i'm fortunate that my ex was never obsessively contacting me. and i was strong and didn't overly contact her either. the one thing that caused me some pain was that 1 yr after we broke up, 6 months nc, i get a call from her, and she was *very nice*. so i thought, she must have had a *very bad* breakup with her 2nd bf (in the year we were apart). turns out this was true, so i'm glad i trusted my gut--what i found out about a week later (i went nc to her "charms" after having a civil phone convo) was that my ex had moved about 4 houses down from me. then she started parking her car in front of my house next to mine (she used to live here). and she started calling up people who she met through me all of the sudden. it was weird, i got really angry and confused but i never contacted her at all. eventually through my rants with mutual friends i think she got the picture so now she doesn't park out front any more.

so, that's where things stand now. she lives a couple houses away and both of us try our best to act like the other person never existed. i'm friendly with all of my exes other than her, so this is new territory... .but hey, nothing i can do but move on. i have a great life, i think i'm a great person and friend in many aspects, which i feel like she wanted to be close again.

[caughtnreleased]

I broke it off after he came to me and told me he'd cut himself. I had kind of seen it coming and I saw it as way to try and control me. I couldn't take it so I told him so. He was nice about it... .as far as I can tell (but I think he then went and lobbed a grenade into his life). I tried to pursue a friendship, but it didn't work and after a brief recycle, he started withdrawing, avoiding attempts to meet up, etc. and when I stopped putting the effort in, I never saw or heard from him again... .seems like I may have been spared a lot of ordeals that others have gone through... .   

[fromheeltoheal]

I got cycled through the borderline spin cycle pretty quickly: vulnerable seducer, clinger, hater.  Hater was exaggerated by PMS, and that happened to fall as we were taking a cruise together, a vacation I'd looked forward to for months, deep in my denial; never shoulda got on the fcking boat.  I spent my week in incarceration avoiding her, not hard to do on a ship with 3000 people on it, but when it ended I was OUTTA there.  I treated her with respect and didn't do anything I now regret, but there was no waiting, I was GONE.

So as expected, (but not then, I didn't know about BPD yet) her abandonment fears got triggered, she went on a mini extinction burst of contact attempts that I ignored, and they eventually stopped.  BTW, each attempt was "coincidentally" on a significant date in our relationship. 

I've learned since that if we pull that off, a borderline will end up having respect for us and will take longer to get over us than the wimp she shts on and then leaves.  That is also the best revenge, since a borderline fears abandonment the most, so disappearing without a trace hurts to the core.  Not that I wanted revenge.  Ahem.

[eyvindr]

Holliday --

Nice to meet you!

I have detached today. 2 days ago we had a typical incident where he was yet again falling backwards and for some odd reason... I simply... stepped aside... instead of catching him! And I don't want to step back into that role again. Into those shoes again. Into the driver's seat of another person's life... again.

It scares me to think I could endure years of backlash as I've read from others on here... but the only person with the strength to act here is me, and I got pretty good at it over 1.5yrs and 9-10 recycles... .So why not be the star of my own play for a change.

Hallelujah! And welcome to the family!

e.

[eyvindr]

Is this actually BPD-standard behaviour? Not just pushing you away themselves, but using 'external methods' if they really can't cope anymore?  (not only police or attorney, but also friends, colleagues etc.)

I somehow feel it would really fit her... .makes me wonder if I well-meant message to show you care, could already be risky... .:-(

Not at all unusual, I'm afraid.

[eyvindr]

All -- great thread. Don't know about you, but I will guess -- judging by the posts and the open, even relaxed vibe of this thread -- that this was a good  exercise for all of us. We needed to get this stuff out.

nyfit1 -- thanks for starting it.

e.

[nolisan]

My dear BPD started to devalue me two summers ago - the lovemaking stopped but the r/s limped along. I really wanted it to work - I think she kinda did too. She said she still loved me. But she had conditions ... .she was loosing her house and wanted me to buy hers and sell mine! I said no.

Finally she excepted that she had to let go of her house and moved in with me - for a week! Then she pulled a "run away" and went back to her house (no power or water). I sent her an email that I could no longer tolerate her mood swings and unless she got some help (counseling and/or meds) I could not go on with the r/s.

I think that scared her - that I could no accept her nature. (She made a big thing of her sign: Scorpio and that was why she was the way she was. That was before I understood BPD). She pulled her final run away.

So I am not really sure who really initiated the breakup. For me the r/s really died when she moved into the devaluation phase. The ending dragged on for several months until I took my stand. The pain and confusion had gone on long enough.

I still love the poor girl ... .where ever she is. Makes me sad thing about her and me.

[eyvindr]

nolisan --

This, sadly, is so often how it is... .

I still love the poor girl ... .where ever she is. Makes me sad thing about her and me.

I feel ya. You have a real heart.

Hang in there.

e.

[goldylamont]

She made a big thing of her sign: Scorpio and that was why she was the way she was. That was before I understood BPD. She pulled her final run away.

interesting, my x was a scorpio too and would use this to actually try and be proud of her behaviors.

[frustrated b/f]

Great Thread Bro!

I'm really glad you distinguished those of us who have left, versus those that got left. It's like two different forms of BPD. The ones with attachment issues versus the ones with dismissive type issues. It has been therapeutic to read the responses.  

I've ALWAYS been the one who left. I made the mistake of dating my uBPD g/f while she was still married and basically sat around till the marriage finally ended. Once it did, I thought to myself, finally, we can be together only to find out the ONLY reason we lasted so long was because we weren't fully together! Five years later, I moved in with her, pure bliss for approximately one month! As we grew more intimate, she grew more and more unstable. The accusations of  

cheating, lying, and even stealing started to arise. Got so bad, I signed a lease and tried to move out just 3 months into us living together.

She found out, begged and begged to work it out, promised to go to counseling. I lost my earnest money and gave it another shot. However, after that, back to same sh!t. Making mountains out of mole hills, turning feelings into facts. I'd had enough. I silently leased another house, had no job, no money, and nearly no furniture since I'd got rid of most of my household possessions when I moved in with her.

We stayed in contact, I needed this to go as smooth as possible, it took me 4 months to find a job. We did things together, but the spark was gone. Admittedly, I hung around until I could get myself financially stable.

We would always go a day or two between talking, but when it lasted for few days longer, I used that opportunity to just not ever call her back, not respond to messages, letters, and emails. I just detached, and didn't look back. That was 90 days ago.

Someone said it best when they said the BPD who got left will react either two ways; Respect you for finally having the balls to ditch a sh!tty situation, or feel shameful because they know just how sh!tty they've been

I followed the advice of this site to a TEE. I verbally expressed that our relationship was terminal over and over again till I sounded like a broken record. I think she knows I've had enough and had to cut my losses. If she didn't, I would fully expect random calls, drive-by's, FB stalking , etc. She's never taken NO for answer. Partly, because I always come back.

Not this time though, there is nothing to come back to! My ex is 8 years older than me, and since the relationship I couldn't see myself dating another older women. Seemingly too much baggage and to late to learn new tricks.

I never thought I would need therapy to get over a sh!tty ass relationship that did not fulfill my needs.

[goldylamont]

if anything i find myself wanting to encourage people to take the reigns and end things on their own terms rather than waiting for the pwBPD to continue lying until they cheat and do it themselves. just less abuse for a person to go through. however it's a really touchy subject; personally i don't know how i would react to someone telling me this while i was still in the r/s just b/c i didn't even know she had a diagnosable condition at the time.

i'm also proud of pretty much most of how i handled things... .i was in a *very* bad place obviously but my reaction to her was much more controlled than what other guys before me did and what 2 guys after me did (and I can honestly say i feel really bad for these guys, wish i could have warned them!).

perhaps it may be a good idea to post another thread with tips on good choices to make when leaving. there is also an article on this site on the subject i will have to take a look. but whenever i see someone posting that they want to text or tell their ex how much they still love them (even though it's true and i felt the same way  ), i want to yell "NOO my friend!" love is *not* what this person wants (or needs) from you right now...

[caughtnreleased]

but whenever i see someone posting that they want to text or tell their ex how much they still love them (even though it's true and i felt the same way  ), i want to yell "NOO my friend!" love is *not* what this person wants (or needs) from you right now...

hmmm. I was just thinking about this... .could what they really need or want from us is "self-love"? They respect that... .as much as they try and fight it. But its the one thing they don't have.  Personally, I admire people who can stand up for themselves, and I would feel very safe dating someone who has a lot of it - contrary to how it feels dating a borderline 

[goldylamont]

hmmm. I was just thinking about this... .could what they really need or want from us is "self-love"? They respect that... .as much as they try and fight it. But its the one thing they don't have.  Personally, I admire people who can stand up for themselves, and I would feel very safe dating someone who has a lot of it - contrary to how it feels dating a borderline 

what a beautiful insight! i agree