Hi everyone,
I am eleven months NC with my exBPDgf of two years. As her irrational behavior radically increased over the last six months of the relationship, I had no idea what was happening. The more I tried to help, the more I was pushed away. It ended badly, with a bad argument where I completely lost my temper and screamed at her over her selfishness, unappreciation, etc. I left and was soon contacted by the local police department with a no-contact order from her. I was completely boggled and lost. This was the first major argument we had ever had in two years. She was the love of my life and my best friend. She had always said she "had emotional problems" and I was always there to support her the best I could.
I have not heard a peep from her in eleven months. She was 30 years old and only had a couple friends when we met.
![Red flag/bad (click to insert in post)](https://www.bpdfamily.com/message_board/Smileys/default/bpdfamil-09.png)
Over the two year relationship I brought her into my large group of friends, who completely accepted her. No one has heard a word from her. I did not know about BPD until after the breakdown of the relationship. It was only through this wonderful site and a therapist that I began to understand what took place thru the entire relationship and short lived 'recycles'... .it was textbook.
To this day I painfully miss her and still love her deeply. I went through a period of acceptance, but lately the ruminating thoughts and anxiety have returned in full force. My self esteem and confidence were utterly crushed by her, but I cant stop thinking about her and why I havent heard a word from her. I understand why, but when will this incessant pain and anguish stop?
I know it's best to stay away for my own good, but I just want her to come back, even for the briefest of moments. I'm beginning to think I may be insane.
In bold.
She will only hurt you again.
If she has returned to you before... .
The short lived recycles... .
You mentioned... .
The chances of her returning... .
Are high.
A pwBPD... .
Does not permanently... .
Paint you black... .
If they have returned successfully... .
Before.
Countless accounts on here... .
Are grim proof of that.
You do not want her to return... .
To you.
The idealization... .
Is
not worth... .
Your heart being shattered... .
In the aftermath.
And that... .
Is... .
What will... .
Occur if you let... .
Her back in.
I miss my exUBPDgf too.
But... .
Her return... .
Will only mean... .
That my heart... .
Would suffer... .
Another crushing... .
Abandonment.
And i cannot do that to myself anymore.
No matter how much i miss her.
Hang in there.