selling myself short

[caughtnreleased]

I was recently reading an article on codependents, and while I think I fit a few of the criteria (although I did conjure up in my mind a very annoying person as I read it), it occurred to me that I have a very difficult time appreciating my value with other people (and I wouldn't say in a relationship since all those have been unhealthy, but rather in social settings with friends).  ie: my default thinking mode about myself is that I am a bit of an outsider who does not really fit into social settings.  I know however, from other people's feedback that this is not the case at all.  But, when I do get positive feedback from people, I am often surprised, even perplexed, as it contradicts my assumptions about myself.  I suppose everyone experiences this to a certain extent, but I feel like my thinking about myself is skewed towards a default negative, rather than positive, or neutral, and that I in fact devalue myself.  Anyone have similar experiences, or advice on how to change this thinking?

[Surnia]

I can very much relate with your description, unhooking

What helped me is to realize it, like you do it, and each time the negative default thinking is taking over I try to label it: "Okay, this is the negative box. lets say it differently... ."

A empathetic and fair support for myself - it needs steady practice and it will work. I am not healed   but I feel much better now.

[laelle]

unhooking,

I would recommend reading the book "The Four Agreements: A practical guide to personal freedom."  by Miguel Ruiz

You can pick it up cheaply from Amazon, and they have it in kindle format.  It discusses in detail false default thinking and how to free yourself from it.

It is phenomenal and it has tools you can use as each negative feeling rears its ugly head.

[MammaMia]

I know I am a decent, caring person, and people like me.  However to  listen to the derogatory comments my dBPDs says other people make about me is difficult, and sometimes it is hard not to become defensive.  He is projecting his own self-hatred on to me, and I have learned not to take it personally.   

Having said that, I must also say that it makes me very sad to get just a glimpse of the anger and disgust he has for himself. 

While I do not doubt my own self worth, it saddens me to know he cannot see who I really am.

His BPD will not allow him to.

[musicfan42]

Hi unhooking,

great topic! 

I found working on my self-esteem to be helpful for this issue.

I learned about cognitive distortions-there is a thread on this topic in the workshop section. I learned how to recognize when I was falling into these thinking traps and how to remedy it. I also spent time reading about positive thinking and applying it in my life. I changed my self-talk... replaced words like "can't" with "can", "but" with "however" etc.

I also posted a thread in the leaving section asking people to list positive qualities about themselves. I mentioned in that thread that it's easy for people to blame themselves for a relationship. This is why it's so essential to focus on the positive... on all your strengths as opposed to being beating yourself up, thinking "oh why didn't I handle that situation differently".

If I make a mistake now, I tell myself that it's a setback and that I'll bounce back from it. A setback is temporary whereas calling yourself "a failure" feels more permanent.