It feels impossible to parent with the ex

[CdnSunrise]

Thanks Livednlearned. I just got Divorce Poison (recommended to me on another thread), and will definitely find the other 2 as well. I love to read, but sometimes have trouble translating the knowledge into real-life action -- welcome to the world of the introvert! Takes me forever to think about things and then be comfortable discussing them. My therapist has been very patient!

[Cmjo]

We are all coming to terms with the same thing... .its reassuring when things between me and exBPDh just sort of logically turned into a situation when we have very little contact, where I just do my very best with the kids when they are with me (D12 and S10), only speak about their Dad in a positive way, only let them hear me being polite and friendly on the phone (even if on the other end theree is silence or hostility). Its reassuring to hear that there is a name for it, parallel parenting.

It was a turning point when I spoke to his new psychologist on the phone and she said remember he is ill but is trying to get help now. So every moment of dysfunction I try to be understanding and not get angry.

Of course I would like him to be involved more, and occasionally he is - I had to call him to help me bundle D12 into the dentists room as she has a serious phobia about anyone looking at her teeth. That worked well, it was civil, and I think we both felt relieved we had been able to cooperate. But I couldnt call him to come to speak to her teachers at parents evening, because he has always had a distorted view of the problems she has at school from insecurity, and in the past used to be actually abusive telling her she didnt work hard enough, was not capable, always made mistakes... .which I think was very damaging for her and is one of the reasons why I left. He hs inner turmoil about his own education and career and was clearly projecting onto her. So I have to be realistic that we just cant coparent on anything to do with school.

[Changingman]

Changingman- That is funny you said it that way because I have felt that way recently, especially recently.

Sorry for not returning to your post, I have just had a second BPD girl in my life ad have been extricating myself from that. Didn't know what BPD was until this one. I have looked at my xuBPDw and looked at my plan/actions with the kids.

I've done ok, I've been protecting them from her garbage since they were born. I took up the parenting role within 8 months of the first baby, I had too, I was scared for their welfare. She is completely unable to deal with their emotional life ( or anyone else's ).

I didn't go to court because I knew she would love/enjoy it, it would have become our new RS. Low to no contact was the answer for me, not everyone.

She shows them off like tro

[Changingman]

Oops

Continued

trophies but really doesn't particularly like their company.

Her new SO has charge of his 2 children ( the mother of the kids an alcoholic, very emotional, ex model... .smells of BPD to me ).

She needed someone to parent them she can't. That poor chap has gone from 1 BPD to another like many of us. Have we got a target on our heads, or a mother with BPD?

I bored her with NC, engaging with her just makes her start her games. I think the members comments here are really good, record, record, record.

Her father is a good man, but believes her BS.

But honestly, I am completely indifferent to her now. Kids are 14/15 now, I do my thing oblivious to their mum. Just make sure they understand it's NOT their fault. I called it ':)efence against the dark arts' after the Harry Potter books. Protecting themselves from the blaming/shaming.