Traumatic relationship causing me to have NO sex drive?

[ShadowDancer]

When you are ready all things do get better... .A LOT better!

[charred]

I have the drive, but get depressed when it comes to acting on it. Been out with a few gals, didn't sleep with any but my exwife and that didn't go well. I can't say I have no sex drive, but I can say I am not back to normal ... probably traumatized by all the berating and abusive treatment from my pwBPD. She was scary/intense and has made me question just about everything I thought was true... .and after the r/s, I have felt depression and lack of motivation, doubted my self on things I shouldn't. Had a job interview for a great job (type of interview I have had dozens of times before, and had never failed)... and for first time I didn't ace it, though I know what I am doing... I didn't sound confident enough and they picked someone else.

My take on the BPD r/s is that they start out mirroring/blowing smoke and giving what seems like unconditional love... and to someone that didn't have a secure connection with their mother... that can be overwhelmingly attractive, you think you found the perfect person, put them on a pedestal, and give them a place in your heart where a GOOD parent belongs. Then when they do a 180, paint you black and become abusive... .you take it and take everything they say to heart, and try to please them... .which is impossible as they are disordered. If they dump you its not normal, its like losing a parent, with the deep/long depression and slow incomplete recovery. I dated my pwBPD almost 30 yrs ago, she dumped me after 18 mos (devastated me... .was suicidal for a while)... .then slowly got back to functioning. About 5 yrs ago she contacted me, we got back together, and the real hell happened. I divorced, lost my job, most my stuff, and recycled with her 7-8 times before calling it quits. Once again it was like losing a parent. This time I understand that it was my own childhood issues that made it so intense and painful, and that the r/s is impossible... .she is toxic to me.

Have heard that losing a parent often kills sex drive and depresses a person a long time. We don't think of the pwBPD as a parent, we just relate to them (think transference) like one. But having had wild sex, lots of passion and emotions involved in the BPD r/s... .being with a normal person without that bizarre electric intensity... .leaves a void... and mixed in is a bit of depression... .for me at least.

[Phoenix.Rising]

The relationship/ break-up with my ex had a deep, profound effect on my psyche and emotions.  I've been told I am a good looking guy, and I've had many girlfriends.  I've been married once.  The first woman I dated after my exuBPDgf I noticed I had a difficult time staying sexually aroused 'so to speak' while with her.  We had sex maybe three times, and after the last time I knew she was not right for me.  I had an almost identical experience with a woman I recently dated after her.  I experienced some of the same questions as Tryingnottoslip. 

I recently went to the doctor and had my testosterone level checked.  I am 44 years old, and I wondered if it was low.  It was normal, in fact, I'm in pretty good shape!  I fairly well knew in my gut that it was likely psychological, but it really bothered me.  This last woman I was with was quite attractive.  By the way, I did not date for a year after my b/u with exuBPDgf.  And now, I feel like I'm still not ready to date.   

I think it would be very difficult for me to just have casual sex with a partner now.  The thought of objectifying a partner feels wrong to me, and I don't want to go there.  A therapist once wrote OCD on my paper, and I know I have some traits, but I don't have OCPD. 

But I started to question my sexuality after having such trouble with these women, so I understand what was shared.  I am not gay, and I've never been sexually attracted to men.  I've always been very attracted to women, even as a young boy.  It was just my mind trying to make sense of something that I had not had trouble with before.  I see sex differently now.  Something inside of me shifted after the break-up with exuBPDgf, and I'm still not resolved with it.  I think I will have to have a genuine emotional connection with whoever I end up with to have a successful sexual relationship.  And getting that close to someone right is still very scary to me.  My defenses are still way up due to the horribleness of the BPD experience.  Was my sex drive affected?  Yes.  Am I beyond repair?  I don't think so.

[Oliolioxenfree]

I agree with Peas, in that the first sexual experience I had post breakup with my BPDexbf left your heart hurting.  In fact I couldn't do it again with that person and promptly called it quits.  I wasn't ready.   Several months later i met my boyfriend now though and things are finally back to normal where there is no comparison.   Thankfully this is one of those things where practice helps healing.  Time and lots of practice definitely helps haha. 

Its crazy to me how we can forge these bonds with such toxic people and let it make such an impact on our sex lives afterwards.

I guess when its the only good thing you've got going in a relationship you tend to cling to it (I feel like in my case that applies) 

[charred]

The sex combined with intense closeness and a hope for a a bright future... .was the only time in my life I was 100% optimistic in my outlook. From that high confident place the fall was devastating. The sex during the r/s the second go round went from great to bad... .as I noticed she wasn't an equal partner enjoying an expression of love... .but rather was a needy emotional con man watching to see if I bought her story. In my 20's I wouldn't have cared... at 50 it creeped me out and made me avoid sex with her. The last 6 months was all arguing with no sex... and it helped me see the situation more clearly. Afterwards... I am still not right.

Feel like something important broke inside me when I lost her many years ago... and the second go round... was like getting a break booster shot... it reset much of the progress I had made in all those years. I feel more genuine in many ways... .I can't stand to delude myself about anything... but my expectations for a relationship were set based on one with a disordered person... and my mind/reason says real love isn't like that electricity I felt... however my emotions are down when trying to deal with someone I don't have that electric reaction with. The reaction seems to be 100% based on disordered women... .she is not only one I have had a reaction with, but others were one night stands or we never connected, or in one case the   were so great I never emotionally was invested in the relationship.

I don't have an answer... the question is good... and I don't feel like I am normal after the BPD breakup... .hope I will be someday... but fix is probably to lower my expectations... .experience living in the moment, being genuine and grabbing whatever tiny modicum of gusto happens with a non-disordered woman I have genuine love for.   

[Phoenix.Rising]

The sex combined with intense closeness and a hope for a a bright future... .was the only time in my life I was 100% optimistic in my outlook. From that high confident place the fall was devastating.

I felt exactly the same way.  I had never felt that 'positive' about a relationship with a woman before.  I don't ever remember feeling that alive, except maybe when I was a child.

The sex during the r/s the second go round went from great to bad... .as I noticed she wasn't an equal partner enjoying an expression of love... .but rather was a needy emotional con man watching to see if I bought her story.

I relate to this as well.  Something shifted in a bad way in our sexual relationship.  I won't get too graphic here, but it was very noticeable.  I started to feel uncomfortable.  It was awful, really.  The whole, dam@ thing ended up awful. 

I do still have some hope, however.  I don't know what the future looks like, but I am ok with her not being in it.  That would destroy me.  I really believe that.  Something out there is going to be better for me if I keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep an open mind and heart.  Peace to all of you.

[Conundrum]

She gave to me exactly what I desired. I gave to her exactly what I believe she deserved. Our needs were never intended to coincide. That's a given with BPD. The overlap is where it becomes interesting. I don't expect to find that with another. That's ok. You shape your mind to be present in the moment. Each person you meet is unique. Neither less, nor more--a being. It's about trust.         

[ucmeicu2]

The sex combined with intense closeness and a hope for a a bright future... .was the only time in my life I was 100% optimistic in my outlook. From that high confident place the fall was devastating.

I felt exactly the same way.  I had never felt that 'positive' about a relationship with a woman before.  I don't ever remember feeling that alive, except maybe when I was a child.

i feel compelled to chime in ~ i felt exactly the same way too.  i felt positive, confident, happy, invincible, able to take on the world, optimistic, etc in a way that i ever remember feeling before.  it was AMAZING!  better than anything i'd ever ever felt b4, be it from a person/drug/religion/runners high/meditation/etc.

they say ALL addiction (whether it's sex/heroin/gambling/etc) all affects the SAME part of the brain.  so, if what i felt for my xBPDgf was just an 'addiction' why was it so superior to any other addiction and/or addictive substance/activity?

now, i keep reading that the pwBPD was mirroring us, so in effect we fell in love with ourselves.  (i find that a bit hard to believe... .or grok).   

also keep reading that when we dissect our BPD r/s we'll learn, grow, evolve and then be able to give ourselves that same happiness/positivity/confidence, etc.  i also find THAT hard to believe!  i don't see how that's even remotely possible.  but i'll keep trudging along, hoping... .[/quote]

The sex during the r/s the second go round went from great to bad... .as I noticed she wasn't an equal partner enjoying an expression of love... .but rather was a needy emotional con man watching to see if I bought her story.

I relate to this as well.  Something shifted in a bad way in our sexual relationship.  I won't get too graphic here, but it was very noticeable.  I started to feel uncomfortable.  It was awful, really.  The whole, dam@ thing ended up awful. 

chiming in again.  for me, it went from off the charts, to great, to good.  but the last time she initiated it felt pressed/pushed/remote... .  i dunno... .just didn't feel the same.  the magic was gone.  i knew right then, during, that it was over.  it was all i could do to not cry.  neither of us ever initiated again.[/quote]

I do still have some hope, however.  I don't know what the future looks like, but I am ok with her not being in it.  That would destroy me.  I really believe that.

#3 chime:  i felt it would destroy me too ~ that's why i left.  but leaving didn't give me the relief i thought it would!   things are getting better but sometimes it's still bad and sometimes it's really bad.  i miss her.  i miss what i thought we had.  i miss what we could have had, but she just would not/could not step up to the plate.  WOW i wasted 3 yrs of my life with her and now almost another yr without her b/c i just can't get over her.

[casper324]

I can relate to this topic.  My uBPDH/NPD husband made sex such a chore and demand I obliged but that was about all.  His refusal to get fixed after our children were born was probably the most disrespectful thing that has ever been done to me.  I could not go on BC due to medical reasons and ended up having an abortion that tore the fabric of my being off my soul.  No sex was not enjoyable or thrilling to me but more a constant worry. He had no empathy for the position he was putting me in and constantly belittled me about our sex life or lack of... .He would also use sex as the ice breaker after a blow up and reason for a blow up.  I could never win! 

That said he was overly preoccupied by sex and watched way too much porn.  Then expected me to act the way the girls in the porn movies did and want sex that was... ., lets put it this way, rough, aggressive and deviant. 

After being told how horrible I am in bed, that I am frigid, fat (size 6) and a ice princess for years really makes for great self esteem in the sack.   

[Tryingnottoslip]

jesus my heart started racing reading all these posts.      for you all.

The only thing I can say is that... .I see a beautiful woman, my mind quickly says NOPE! NOT EVEN IN YOUR WILDEST DREAMS! I can't even IMAGINE trying to have sex with another woman. For 2 reasons

1. My BPDex really took a toll on my already crippled self-esteem

2. I'm obviously still hung up about her because I've never felt a more intense connection with someone via sex.

Having OCD and breaking up with absolutely NO CLOSURE ugh this ambiguity is truly horrendous.

[Juno]

As much as this is a difficult subject to deal with. I wonder has anyone thought about the big picture of moving on? I know every r/s is different and every wound needs time to heal. Yet, there comes a time when you need to say to yourself enough of the torture and its time to start living again. Do you want your ex to hold you hostage for the rest of your life?

There's going to be a time in your life (probably much later) when you look back at yourself and wonder why you beat yourself up so bad? Why you gave away the best years of your life? Everyone deserves to be happy. Realize your worth. There are good people out there, but penalizing yourself because of the hurt from your ex is holding you back. Don't fall into the trap where you just give away years of your life.

I'm probably much older than most on here.  When I look back at my life and realize the opportunities that I had and realize I just wasted them away because of depression. It makes me shake my head. Father time has a way of catching up. Don't make the mistake of shutting everyone or new opportunities out of your life. It doesn't mean you have to have sex. Your still allowed to explore? When you find that right person again your trauma from the ex will melt away to a distant memory. I know it might be hard for some, but keep the big picture in you mind as you go forward in life.

[charred]

Juno has a point.

I felt like my life was shattered in my mid twenties when I was dumped by my exBPDgf... and that "the one" got away. I pined for her for years. Then 27 yrs later I got her back... .and it was the worse thing that could have happened... I got a divorce, hurt my family, lost a few great jobs... and felt like I had a ride through a meat grinder. Looking back... .the best thing that happened long ago was getting dumped... but I didn't have the perspective to appreciate it. If I could do it all over... .I would have ran other way instead of meeting her.

[Tryingnottoslip]

juno thank you very much for that reminder.

I agree with you 100%. I will cherish the day when I am able to look back and say... .WOW for her? you suffered for that worthless girl whatever her name was"

[peas]

As much as this is a difficult subject to deal with. I wonder has anyone thought about the big picture of moving on? I know every r/s is different and every wound needs time to heal. Yet, there comes a time when you need to say to yourself enough of the torture and its time to start living again. Do you want your ex to hold you hostage for the rest of your life?

There's going to be a time in your life (probably much later) when you look back at yourself and wonder why you beat yourself up so bad? Why you gave away the best years of your life? Everyone deserves to be happy. Realize your worth. There are good people out there, but penalizing yourself because of the hurt from your ex is holding you back. Don't fall into the trap where you just give away years of your life.

I'm probably much older than most on here. When I look back at my life and realize the opportunities that I had and realize I just wasted them away because of depression. It makes me shake my head. Father time has a way of catching up. Don't make the mistake of shutting everyone or new opportunities out of your life. It doesn't mean you have to have sex. Your still allowed to explore? When you find that right person again your trauma from the ex will melt away to a distant memory. I know it might be hard for some, but keep the big picture in you mind as you go forward in life.

Juno, all of the above.

Thank you for that. I think I have reached a tipping point that is shedding the breakup baggage and moving toward acceptance and a bigger picture perspective. Something clicked last week, practically overnight, where I was like, I'm done with this misery. I'm done putting so much energy into a fantasy of what I thought I lost. I was stuck for the past five months since the breakup, the whole time rejecting the good things in front of me while I chose to wallow in the loss of my uBPDbf.

Then something just nudged me into reality. Maybe it has been all that talking during my weekly therapist visits that I'm reaching a better mental state. Maybe it's because my career is taking off. Maybe it's because my friends and family have been there to help me through this. Maybe it's me being away from my ex long enough to realize that he is not as special as I believed, and he is not coming back. Maybe it's because I am finally acknowledging that his disrespectful behavior to me throughout our r/s was plain wrong, regardless of BPD, NPD, alcoholism, or whatever he has, and I don't need it.

I released my iron grip on the misery I mistook for comfort and I released the grip on the idea of life with my ex. It's about control -- I think some of us on here have control issues -- and after a while we have to be okay with not controlling.

[Juno]

I'm glad some of you are crossing the bridge to letting the past go. I know its hard and we all have our on personal battles and struggles. Some may take longer to realize life is about what you make it. Our ex's have hijacked us from that life, but life will continue to introduce us to new possibilities if we give it a chance.

I still struggle and find myself lonely sometimes. Its always going to be work in progress for me. But what I'm experiencing now is reflection and belief to a better future. One of my all time favorite movies is Shawshank Redemption. I love the character Andy Dufrense. I think his role in the movie defines exactly what we gone through with our ex's. He writes a letter to 'Red' that I think all of us should reflect on. He writes "Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." Then he sums it up with one of the best quotes I have ever heard. "get busy living or get busy dying." Yep... .I think that can apply to all of us.

[ShadowDancer]

"The way people treat you is their Karma, the way you react is yours".

"If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change". Wayne Dyer