Releasing your anger - how has it been for you?

[Discovery]

I've had a hard time getting fully in touch with and releasing my ANGER at my uBPDx. I've had a lot more grief, sadness, crying etc. Had a few episodes of punching pillows and screaming at home, but mostly can't do that much b/c of my children... .I've journalled, but it's so SILENT and it's good but seems to lack VOLUME for me. I've TALKED about my anger w/ those who I'm sharing with about all this, but usually on walks outside where there are other people around... .

Tonight with my T, our session was late and there was no one else in the building, and she encouraged me to really VERBALIZE my anger... .I found it so cathartic to be able to scream and hit things (the massage table, with a pillow and my fists!) and say, uncensored, ALL the things I wanted to say to him **with a witness** who was supportive and listening. Having her as witness to validate all the things I was saying felt really important.

I'm sure there's more, but it definitely helped me feel much more *detached* emotionally from him to get out of my sadness and into my justifiable anger -- feels like where I need to be right now to get stronger and stay connected to knowing that he has mistreated me. I also do feel compassion for him b/c I know he's SICK, but for ME I need that anger to break my attachment to him.

How has it been for you? I'm guessing there are waves of this to go through and that was just one of more to come.

[SuzyQ33]

Hi Discovery,

I read an article in January 2013 regarding Narcissistic PD and started researching... .came upon BPD and realized my husband had NBPD... .the revelation! Light bulb moment! 

The road from there seemed very much fluctuating... .anger, sadness, grieving, self-searching, anger ... .I am mostly angry at myself for allowing this.  My anger at him has subdued and I feel tremendous sadness for him... .but still sometimes (only three times actually) I find myself reacting very angry at him and only realizing afterwards it must have come from deep down somewhere... .

I am in the unfortunate position that I cannot move out at the moment and thus have to keep the "status quo" going ... .it is just easier for me and the kids if he does not rage the whole time, so I just keep the peace and we all just do what we can to keep him under control (I wanted to say "happy", but I know that it does not exist in his scope of emotions... .ha ha!)  This obviously is no life for any of us, and that leads to frustration which brings on anger again... .but internal / in private.  I have one or two friends I can talk to, and vent sometimes, but not really let out my anger.  Patience has become a very good friend of mine, although I realize that it is only another coping mechanism.

I do sometimes wonder why I am not more angry, or showing more anger... .but I think it is because I've grieved the relationship and have made my decision of moving on ... .emotionally I have detached completely, but I cannot actually leave the situation now.  So staying steady is my main concern until I can leave, and anger will topple that boat quite quickly.

I seem to be crying at other people's posts/stories/situations, and seeing my own as a sort of distant reality... .I think when I can eventually leave, I will allow the anger to be there, and I hope I can handle it as well as you sound like you do.

Love and light on your journey ... .

[HarmKrakow]

Shouting?

Of course! The moment I have my therapy session with my therapist the entire building can listen to how much anger I have got towards my BPD ex (and myself for allowing it). I have no troubles hiding this shouting anger and I don't mind others listening to it.

[Ironmanrises]

As time passes, my anger gets released on friend and foe alike. It just comes out of me. I have already had to apologize to coworkers of mine for example. I hate this.

[strikeforce]

I don't have any anger thankfully, I have come to learn that it wasn't her fault she was BPD and that I need to focus on myself.

[bpdspell]

Discovery,

My feelings were stronger than anger; more like rage.

I had become so adept at repressing my anger my entire life but after the breakup with my ex I was like a volcano waiting to erupt. I finally managed to attract the person who would rip off the scabs of the abandoned and lonely child that lived within me.

Learning how to release anger is a process and there are healthy and unhealthy methods. My unhealthy methods were denial, projection, blaming, rebounding, swallowing my feelings, repression, pretending that my life was ok when it wasn't and forging a faux relationship with my mother when deep down I resented her.

All those years of denial and repression finally imploded once I met my narcissistic BPD ex bf.

With the help of these boards, a couple of therapists, and tons of self-help books I slowly learned to trust the process of releasing my rage in empowering ways: journaling, yelling and screaming into pillows, allowing the tears to fall, writing unsent letters to those who've hurt me, working out at the gym,  and feeling my sad feelings and sitting with them. Anger is simply a mask for hurt but it depends on the individual how deep the hurt is. I even bought a baseball bat just to release deeply imbedded toxic feelings and went to town on my pillows. These actions were cathartic and they saved my life.

This is what worked for me.

Like I said; feeling anger is a process especially when we've become adept at hiding our true feelings from ourselves. The little girl within me was very intimidated and threatened by this process and at times I believed the sad feelings would open up the earth and swallow me…so I took it one day at a time…with intention…to take baby steps in healing.

The pain is more than about our ex's. Our ex's are just a slice of the pie.

Spell

[Turkish]

I wasn't as angry over her telling me it was over, but VERY hurt and angry when I thereafter found out about her paramour. I guess what helped is that it was basically a kid, so the sense of how pathetic she and he were was mixed in with that (not a professional with a home, raising two kids, financially stable, no debt, taking care of me, two kids, her, her family by proxy, and my mother to an extent).

I was reminded of when I friend of mine was criticized by his ex's boyfriend at the time (in retrospect, his X sounds BPD also)... .I think they were still married. He let loose on the guy, "Hey, dude! Easy for you to sit there in the stands and call out the bad plays, But at least I played the game. Sure, I lost, but I gave it my all! You? Nothing. Just a spectator, to scared to commit to anything or do anything on your own!" Reminding myself of that story made me feel better about myself, and it still does.

As for extra-curricular activities... .working out? No. When I'm done working out, I'm still left with my thoughts. It works for my stbxBPD, but she does it every freaking day. Coping, not healing. Target shooting (a hobby of mine)? I'm not a violent person, though I did practice good groups, imaging (not her, I'd never hurt her at all)... .well, draw your own conclusions on who I was imagining. But after that, other than patting myself on the back for a few good sessions and tight groups, and chastising myself for wasting a lot of money in an hour, it did nothing for me. Even a midnight drive into the wilderness. Nothing.

All in all, it came down to time, realizing that she is severely disordered (though no excuse for what she did from a moral standpoint), lost, and kind of pathetic. So I feel sorry for her in a sense. Is pity a healthy emotion? I don't know. Things could get worse later. I feel "a love", to put it in her terms, for her. Talking to a T weekly for the past two months. Writing here, obviously. Getting back in touch with my faith and support from like-minded people. I feel more peace now. Not cried in a week. Depressive episodes of shorter duration and longer frequency.

I don't know if that added to the discussion, but it's where I am at now.

[ShadowDancer]

Turkish,

That added ALOT to the discussion. There has been death here. It is a process in grief.

Time is indeed the greatest healer. When one is in the throes of confusion and hurt time seems to stand still. I seem to have stood like a ice statue for a time. Now that I am able to look back it was about six months that I was "locked" in my grief and self anger. For me it was a necessary waste.

Then as life will have it the sun did again shine, the ice began to melt, the rigid constraints of my own frozen emotions began to thaw and eventually I could "move" again.

Self evaluation has been the most illuminating path  back to "myself".

Now as a survivor it is my obligation to the living to bury the dead.

[winston72]

BPDSpell:

"Learning how to release anger is a process and there are healthy and unhealthy methods. My unhealthy methods were denial, projection, blaming, rebounding, swallowing my feelings, repression, pretending that my life was ok when it wasn't and forging a faux relationship with my mother when deep down I resented her."

This is me!  So well said... .thank you.

I am discovering my anger, focused for now on my ex, but it is informing me about my mother, my upbringing and several other key areas of trauma.  I am learning to experience my anger, to be informed by it, to enjoy its insights and clarity.  This seems to be at the center of what is happening within me right now. 

I have been afraid of my anger.  Terrified by it, really.  I never would have said this before this period of realization, but it is so clear to me now.  I have felt that my anger was wrong, and that it would be tragically destructive to me and everyone around me if I let it out... .that it would be a whirlwind that would destroy everything.  Strange, but so true.  So, I did everything that you listed Spell.  And I turned that anger on myself with periods of suicidal thinking and lots of anxiety.  And I blamed myself rather than holding others accountable for their actions.  This, I think, led to a life without boundaries.  I bent and formed myself to the personality of my ex. 

"Facing the facts", as our site is called, helped me, nay forced me, to simply look at what happened.  And that took so long to just admit the truth! And when seeing it in plain view, lots of it looked awful.  And I became angry... .so slowly, however.  The anger is now my flashlight to see through the darkness, to help me define the obstacles, hurts, violations and start to chart a course forward.   

[Waifed]

My anger has come and gone in waves over the past 3 months.  I am totally out of the fog and accept the fact that the ex is mentally ill and a relationship with her is pointless.  I am not angry with her because she has BPD,  but I am angry that she turned out to be a pwBPD and I was too blind to act on the signs much earlier.  I am also angry that she cheated.  BPD or not that is inexcusable.  She lost me because she cheated.  I don't know when I will forgive her for that.  I believe it will likely just dull away with the rest of my feelings for her as time passes.  I will say that at 3 months out it has gotten a whole lot easier and the pain that creeps back in occasionally doesn't last as long and is not as intense.  I still get very angry during these times that I ruminate about the relationship.  I am ready to take my life back, but my mind is like an anchor that refuses to let go of the ocean floor.  I keep tugging at it to join me but it still isn't ready to let go.  One day at at time