How can I teach son to say no to Mom in a respectful way?

[bpbreakout]

Not sure if this is the right board. Looking for feedback on a parenting issue. FYI this summary is what both s12 and BPDw have told me and I think reasonably accurate. A few days ago BPDw told s12 to water the plants in the yard before school (I had already gone to work). It's not really one of his regular chores but he has done a few times lately because of the weather & it's a 5 minute job. This time he said no to BPDw on the basis that he had watered them the day before & it wasn't necessary, a bit stubborn maybe but not the end of the world. BPDw apparently started shouting at him for arguing so he threw a cushion at her which missed her bounced off the wall and broke a china ornament (not valuable). He then stormed out in the yard to start watering the plants as he was walking out of the door called BPDw a ****ing cow under his breath but loud enough to hear. She followed him out and started shouting at him again so he sprayed her briefly with the hose & told her to go away. It wasn't much but obviously the further act of defiance wasn't helpful. She then grabbed the hose off him and totally soaked him and made him get the bus to school in a soaking wet school uniform (normally she drives him). With BPDw's agreement I have made him apologise to his mother, sweep up the yard (30 min job), and catch the bus to and from school for a week (normally BPDw drops him off on way to work). I have a couple of questions, first of all any comments either good or bad on this from other parents in similar situation, have I done the right thing ? Second what do I say to my son about how to deal with his mother. I don't think it's a sin to say no to a parent (not BPDw's view). He is obviously at the age where he is going to start pushing back. s12 has traditionally been the good child and d14 the bad one. His mother treats him like a 4 year old and expects him to do everything she says at the drop of a hat. How can I teach him to say no in a respectful way ?

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[briefcase]

It's a tough situation for your son.  A few things are probably out of bounds for him - name calling, spraying her with a hose, etc.  At the same time, he needs to be able to say no on occassion.  And its important that you also explain to him (and your wife) that shouting at him for declining is also not the best way to handle things. 

You can use SET with your son:  I love you.  I know you were frutrated when mom asked you to water and didn't take no for an answer.  No one likes to be shouted at.  All the same, you can't call your mohter a f***ing cow or spray her with a hose. . . .

You can do the same with your wife:  I love and support you.  I'm sure you must have been very angry at him.  I know I would have been. I think there may be a better way to handle teenagers than just yelling at them for refusing to do a chore.  Maybe we can take away the ipod instead.

These aren't scripts, just some ideas to get you started with your own words.  The big take aways are:

Son needs to know he can't call her names or hose her down. 

Wife needs to know that you don't think screaming at son is the right way to handle him.

[an0ught]

Hi bpbreakout,

to complement bc's great post on SET (to be practiced daily multiple times) it may be useful also to consider:

  - s12 is teenager. This is where the dynamic of the parent-child relationship changes a lot and the child becomes more independent.

  - more independent means establishing boundaries

  - boundaries often means saying no and then also acting consistently.

Now how can you teach that? Explaining validation and also SET is possible. It can be practiced. Boundaries are a bit different as while they can be prepared (thinking about values and what is not negotiable and the price we are willing to pay) it is almost inherent in the process to have conflicts when they get established. Being ok on your side with having some conflicts ongoing around you but managing escalations and blatant unfairness might become important. Teaching boundaries is teaching how to deal with conflicts. And when it comes to that your actions teach a lot more than your words.

Treat s12 with respect. Be a role model when it comes to boundaries with him AND her.

[shatra]

Hi

  Hosing him down sounds abusive to me.  SET is a good tool. Maybe you can try role-playi8ng with him these touchy situations? First you "play" his mother and he comes up with things to say, and then you can "play" him and fine-tune it. Practice helps a lot.

Take care

Shatra