SoftLanding
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Posts: 37
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« on: November 16, 2013, 03:19:09 AM » |
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I apologize for the length of this rant. It's just an emotional outpouring of the things rattling around in my head that I can't say to anyone else but ya'll. Hallelujah and thank the Lord for anonymity!
Today I was having a civil conversation with my uBPDbf. We were talking about our relationship ups and downs over the last year. Personally, I've had a very stressful year... .it started out with me being unemployed for three months, got re-hired with substantial pay cut, I filed bankruptcy, then my adult daughter and her husband were convicted on drug charges and went to prison. My ex-husband was keeping the grand kids until they get out next year, but somewhere along the line he lost his way and committed suicide... .on the second anniversary of our divorce no less. We were together for more than 20 years. We were still in contact and remained amicable. I feel intense guilt over his suffering and death. My immediate family has been fairly ripped apart by the whole thing. Next came the news that the quit claim deeds I signed do not mean that I am not responsible for the mortgages on real estate that my ex retained in the divorce... .only that I can never lay claim to the properties. I'll be going through 2 foreclosures in the near future.
It's all been extremely difficult and I do not know how I'm still standing. As if all that hasn't been enough, I've been working on coping with this BPD relationship that I am in. My bf means the world to me. Things are great between us 99% of the time. It's that 1% that cuts to the bone. In that 1% I take extremely cruel mental and emotional punishments that no one who knows me would ever understand. He says every problem in our life together is my fault... .he has diagnosed me with bipolar and multiple personality disorders. He says he wanted me all of his life and now that he's got me, he's disappointed. We dated in high school and are now in our 50's so he idealized me for decades before we finally got together.
I've worked on the lessons provided here and if it weren't for them, I think I'd be in the insane asylum by now. When things started to go awry, he had me convinced that it was all on me and he was the innocent victim. Now I know better, but I'm a completely different person than I was when our relationship started. I used to be outspoken and independent. I used to have a sense of humor and a playfulness that made me feel great about myself. Now I over think everything. I measure my thoughts, words and deeds to death... .until I can hardly say or do anything. Some innocent action can cause a mountain of anxiety and trouble in my life. I have had to develop a poker face and learn to bite my tongue. He is convinced that his pain hurts more, that his feelings are more important, the his ideas are better, that he knows what will happen in the future... .He's conjured up some pretty scary stuff. And if I disagree with anything he says, that's reason not to trust me.
I'm not getting enough sleep since the suicide. When the lights go out at night and it gets quiet, my brain seems to go into overdrive. I have all these conversations going on in my head that I am unable to shut off. They consist of happenings from my past, wonderings about the future, concern about my parents, my kids and grandkids, who all live a couple of states away. I wonder if I'll ever get my life straightened out and whether anyone will ever be proud of me again. I've been an upstanding, loyal, good-hearted human being all my life. I try to make good decisions as they arise. How did my life get so messed up?
Back to the beginning of this post... .I was having a civil conversation with my uBPDbf about our relationship ups and downs... .and he says to me, "Well, regardless of what happens, we have to stay together because if we broke up we'd both be screwed financially."
I work and he retired early from his job. He gets a small pension. His home is paid off but he was barely getting by when I moved in with him. I make more than he does... .and have improved the financial quality of his life. He's got a new vehicle to drive that he never could have afforded before we got together. I've bought him other fairly expensive items that he couldn't have bought for himself. So now I have to wonder... .is he really just keeping me around for financial comfort or is that an excuse he is giving himself so he doesn't break up with me in the heat of one of those 1% moments. I love him dearly, but I've come to realize he doesn't love me back in the same way... .
I live for the 99% when things are good and feel normal. He not the most affectionate man, but he can be very witty, charming and sweet when he wants to be... .and I eat that up.
Just so you know, I'm not a rambler normally. It has just been piling up and I had to get it out. If you've read this far, I appreciate your attention.
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