Need to be loved, or love to be needed?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey there, Im not sure where I stand between the two options... .    In a way Im thankful for the torment she put me through as It helped me learn about myself, and my own trauma I suffered as a child.  I also have many of the BPD traits, however nowhere as near to my exBPDgf.    Ive been through many failed relationships in the past, with 2 of my longest of 2 years each.  I was kidnapped by my father as a child, and my mother and aunts with the help of my grandfather on father's side kidnapped me in the middle of the night a few weeks later while he was working in the farm...    Id kind of suppressed it all, but floodgates opened with my xBPD's physical and emotional abuse.    My father, and whole side of the family have always been incapable of showing any love, and would cringe if you were to give them a hug.  My mother's side the complete opposite, where hugs are common place daily.    I hit rock bottom 4 years ago(drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, reckleless behaviour/spending etc, inability to hold down employment etc... .)  I was in Japan at the time, and returned home for r n r and family time, and managed to get back on my feet, make new friends, and get a good career started.   I never really looked deep into myself until having the "pleasure" of getting involved with my xBPDgf.   It took a hurricane of abuse to wake me up, Good morning!     Now with introspection, I can understand my own relationship failures in the past.    Have any of you got similar wake up stories?  Do you need to be loved, or love to be needed?   I have no idea, but think im on the right track.  NC = 6 days. 

[bruisedbattered]

Hey there, Im not sure where I stand between the two options... .    In a way Im thankful for the torment she put me through as It helped me learn about myself, and my own trauma I suffered as a child.  I also have many of the BPD traits, however nowhere as near to my exBPDgf.    Ive been through many failed relationships in the past, with 2 of my longest of 2 years each.  I was kidnapped by my father as a child, and my mother and aunts with the help of my grandfather on father's side kidnapped me in the middle of the night a few weeks later while he was working in the farm...    Id kind of suppressed it all, but floodgates opened with my xBPD's physical and emotional abuse.    My father, and whole side of the family have always been incapable of showing any love, and would cringe if you were to give them a hug.  My mother's side the complete opposite, where hugs are common place daily.    I hit rock bottom 4 years ago(drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, reckleless behaviour/spending etc, inability to hold down employment etc... .)  I was in Japan at the time, and returned home for r n r and family time, and managed to get back on my feet, make new friends, and get a good career started.   I never really looked deep into myself until having the "pleasure" of getting involved with my xBPDgf.   It took a hurricane of abuse to wake me up, Good morning!     Now with introspection, I can understand my own relationship failures in the past.    Have any of you got similar wake up stories?  Do you need to be loved, or love to be needed?   I have no idea, but think im on the right track.  NC = 6 days. 

[heartandwhole]

Great insights, bruisedbattered.  You've come a long way.  I'm sorry to hear about what you went through as a child, that is scary and hurtful. 

I have to say that the depth of my need to be loved and need to be needed wasn't revealed to me until my relationship with pwBPD, and it absolutely floored me.  I think I have confused love and need for most of my life. 

On my knees – it's a great place to start the healing 

I think you are on the right track, too.

[bruisedbattered]

Thanks for your support,   I too never knew about this "love/need paradox" until my x...    

[GreenMango]

Great post and insight.  Important questions.

[snappafcw]

Great post and honestly my answer is I need both.

However having no choice to be single I have been healing and gaining more strength than I ever thought I had. I hope everyone here keeps faith it takes time but it will get better x

[bb12]

Great post BruisedandBattered

I am the same. A bit further down the recovery road perhaps and 12 months NC, but very grateful for this awful lesson.

Discovering the parts within us that were thrown up from our own abuse is a strange process. My own home environment was invalidating and scary, but had very few specific examples of typical abuse. Certainly nothing sexual. But subtler types of abuse can be as scarring when doled out repeatedly and over a long period of time.

The following book helped me enormously and led me to conclude that I was codependent. Needing to be loved forces us to DO instead of just BE in a relationship. And it's exhausting!

www.amazon.com/Addicted-Love-Recovering-Dependencies-Relationships/dp/0892838027

Maintain NC, keep posting here

BB12