Need help focusing through the FOG

[dirtNhorses]

As I have read through topics on the boards, worked through books on having an uBPDm and being in a relationship with an SO that has strong BPD traits, and gone to my own personal therapy sessions, I have realized that FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) is very effective with me.  It is so ingrained that I struggle to implement new behaviours/actions towards creating healthier relationships.

Background:  I had an uBPDM who was very effective with rage.  During the first 28 years of my life (I am now 40) she used fear and my obligation as her daughter to effectively get me to change or do what she wanted.  When I lived with her, I dreaded hearing her angry footsteps and lived in fear of always getting in trouble.  There were few boundaries and we did everything together.  My SF did his best but filled the enabler roll until their divorce.  To this day, he has  difficulty doing things, ie going to a restaurant, that my uBPDm would not allow.  During my 28th year, I reached my uBPDm's limit and she ended our relationship.  Ten years ago, I met my SO and entered a committed relationship.  It was great to start with but over time our arguing and poor communication got worse until 2 years ago, when I asked to end the relationship.  My SO asked that we try and work on it.  Feeling obligated, because I knew I needed to work on my relationship skills, I chose to stay.  It was during this time I was told about BPD and began to see my world differently.  My SO and I went to couples counseling, for a while.  Our communication got better.  My SO likes to be in control (I was told that in the begining).  She is very effective at the silent treatment and putting blame on me for our issues, lack of affection, money, not doing enough together, etc.  Today, I worry about getting in trouble for dinner not cooked correctly, not answering text messages, and having to cancel plans for work.

Yes, FOG works very well on me.  In the two years without a significant person in my life with BPD (or traits), I had a great time but felt absolutely out of control.

I am currently going to therapy sessions on my own and have made progress but at times feel lost and unfocused on what changes I should prioritize or do first.

Things became more amplified for me recently when I had close friends, new and old, tell me that they did not like the way she treated me in the relationship and felt that I was being used as a provider.  Hard words to hear.

I am currently in a timeout while my SO is travelling for a couple of weeks.  So I wanted to take this time to really focus on skills to combat FOG.  Do I start with boundaries?  Or learn effective timeout skills? Or... .

I apologize for length... it just feels really complicated right now.

DirtNhorses 

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[Rapt Reader]

I am currently in a timeout while my SO is travelling for a couple of weeks.  So I wanted to take this time to really focus on skills to combat FOG.  Do I start with boundaries?  Or learn effective timeout skills? Or... .

Hi, dirtNhorses & 

I'm so sorry for all the FOG, pain and stress that you have had to deal with in your life... .It's really sad that you had to grow up with a BPD Mom, and now a BPD Significant Other. At least you are starting to understand what is going on, and finding this site will help you so much; I'm so glad you found us!

I found some links that can help you with the specific questions you are are asking: Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”, How to take a time out and BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence.

You have possibly noticed all the links to the right-hand side of the page here. I can't recommend enough for you to read all you can (going in order, from top to bottom is a good way to do it)... .There are many Workshops and Articles on this site that can give you the answers you seek, help you understand yourself better, and your BPD loved ones better. Keep posting and asking your questions; there really is light at the end of the tunnel 

[Grey Kitty]

Hello and 

I don't want to overwhelm you with reading, but I've got one more thing you might want to read. I remember when I first read it, the realization of the impact on me was really powerful. We tend to deny that the silent treatment is harsh and cruel because it is an absence only. So here's one more thing you may wish to read:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment - verbal abuse.

As for how to get out of the FOG... .that wasn't where I started. My first HUGE step was boundaries around verbal abuse.

And one of the most powerful things I realized was that I needed to look more at my fears. Yes, there were things worth being afraid of. What I noticed after a while was that sometimes I let my fears run me. Other times I didn't. I liked myself a lot more when I wasn't living in fear.

One thing that sometimes helped me was to think about what I was afraid of... .and realize that I had been subjected to it dozens of times, and was still here despite that! Especially if I realized that I had better tools to deal with it now than I had used most of the prior times!

Enjoy your peaceful time now, make sure you take good care of yourself, and build up other friendships that can nourish you in tough times to come later.

 GK

[Chosen]

Hi dirtNhorses 

I think for me, the FOG clears up gradually- it's not a theory we have to learn, because deep down we know it already, so we have to put the FOG-clearing actions in place.

For me, it is reminding myself what my values are.  You can't have boundaries without values to uphold.  For example, in the past, I think I deserve/ have to stick with verbal abuse because I wasn't a very good person myself, and because I did something wrong (looked at him wrong, talked back), I don't have the right to stick up for myself.  My FOG-clearing thought process went something like this:

Those words make me feel bad but I deserve it -> No, those words are wrong and it's a personal attack.  This is verbal abuse. -> Nobody needs to accept verbal abuse.  -> I have been wrong  but I don't need to accept verbal abuse as a punishment.  -> I can be responsible for my own faults without accepting verbal abuse. -> I will no longer respond to my pwBPD's verbal abuse. 

So my though process has led me to think more deeply about the words I hear (from him: you deserve this, you have no right to say no to whatever I say... .), and to reject things which are no correct/ against my own value.  This has in turn led to the establishment of my own boundary, which futher helps to clear the FOG.

Sometimes it goes backwards and forwards, and I get back into the FOG a bit.  This i why it's important to keep on reminding yourself of your values so you don't lose sight of yourself.

Take care.

[dirtNhorses]

Thank you for the suggestions.  I had missed the silent treatment article so thanks for adding that to the reading list.

Chosen, your words about values hit a hard spot.  I have very strong values regarding right and wrong but I let those things that I value about myself disintigrate over the last ten years.  New to the ong term relationship world, I let my SO guide the way in the beginning.   A constant theme in the beginning was that I didn't spend enough time with her or plan stuff for both of us.  I had a hobby I was passionate about (horseback riding) and that had sustained me through a lot of bad times.  Early in our relationship, she was upset when I would go out to the barn and ride my horse (even if she was at work), because it took time away from things I could be doing for us.  I would also most likely come home late (or after she got home from work) and be to tired to really go out and do stuff together.  My response to her being upset about me spending time at my hobby was usually to get angry and huffy and say something like 'it's my right, etc.'

Over the years, she claims she was supportive of the horse and feels she had to sacrifice financially and personally in order for me to keep it as finances got worse.  Logically, I have a hard time with this because I make 3 time as much income.   Emotionally, I fee really really guilty.  Eventually, I moved the horse to a new owner, which broke my heart.  I also walked away from my hobby for almost a year, including cutting friends off that I had met through horses.  It was just super painful to give up something so special to me.

Now I dabble in horseback riding again but I have had to give it up several times due to change in schedules at work or if it conflicts with something my SO wants to do.   When I do etch out that time for myself, I feel really good, briefly, then I box it up out of fear that if I look to happy or fulfilled my SO will start questioning my time or why doing my hobby didn't make me feel this way or that.  It take away the specialness.

This is but one thing that I have walked away from.  I am quick to stop hobbies or activities if they 'rock the boat.'  Part of the quickness comes from not having the energy (physically or mentally) to play the BPDs games.  Being somewhat independent and stubborn, naturally,  I keep trying but I have noticed it has been less over the last couple of years.

I do have a small list of 5 things, read a book, walk the dogs, sit on porch, that I do find rejuvenating.  I just struggle to keep using them to reconnect with my values, boundaries, and me.  I still want the big enchilada... .

Small steps... .

dirtnhorses

[lbjnltx]

Hello again dirtNhorses,

Glad to see you here once more!

You have gotten some very good advice thus far and I wanted to add my thoughts as well regarding boundaries.

Boundaries are based on our values.  You will learn more about this as you read the workshop link provided to you by Rapt Reader.  When we grow up in an over controlling and fearful environment we sometimes don't develop our own value system cognitively.  Deep down inside we have an inner voice that knows what we value and it can be silenced.  When our core values are ignored and another person attempts to force us to deny or ignore our values resentment builds and we can become depressed, angry, defiant, etc... .

I agree with Chosen in her description of how boundaries work.  I sometimes call this "taking back my personal power".  When we take back our power that we have given away it can give us a sense of control over our lives and move us out of a victimlike mentality. When we realize we are now making choices rather than reacting we are in a place of freedom and power.  You may want some assistance in defining your personal values in order to establish the boundaries to protect them. Here is a link to help you better define your values/boundaries and begin to take back your personal power.:

www.lifevaluesinventory.org/

Setting boundaries and protecting boundaries is a process that takes time and strength.  It is not to be done lightly.  Be patient and kind with yourself dear.  We are here to help you through the process as you need us to.

lbjnltx

[dirtNhorses]

Thanks again for the suggestions, definitely gives me a good idea of how to start out of fog... .time to roll up the shirt sleeves and get to work.

[dirtNhorses]

So as my peaceful time comes to end.  I feel like I have a toe hold on a start to a less foggy existance.  While I considered myself pretty aware of my values, lbjnltx's suggestion of the life values inventory, really helped me look at the values that make me tick, the ones I neglect, and those tha cause me stress.  I had never thought of my values cauing me stress ( I thought it was something I wasn't doing right) but when they are in conflict or neglected, they cause stress.  The change in view and the realization that I can't fulfill all my values at once, has allowed me take a step back and focus a little time on a value I have truely neglected, creativity.  For 15 minutes a day I am finding a piece of myself long buried.

I have also been reading through the suggested readigs by rapt reader and grey kitty.  I am slowly finding boundaries that I want to establish and protect, prioritizing them, and practicing establishing them.  I have picked establishing time for me to go to a Tuesday workout class.  This means that I would give up a promise to cook dinner that night.  But considering there are seven nights in a week, I am going to establish one of my dinner nights on another day.  This allows me to stay true to my promise of cooking dinners but also allows me to take time for myself in a workout  I love (when I go consistently ... .  ).  When I have consistently gone to this class, I have been in a better mood and it inspires me to do more health and fitness (a value I neglect.)

Now to maintain the toe hold.

DirtNhorse

[lbjnltx]

Awesome!

[Grey Kitty]

  Starting small and building is the way to go. Each toehold helps you get a finger or another toe up just a little higher.

Keep on holding tightly onto your own reality. You don't have to convince anybody else of it, just don't let it go for their version!

Re-negotiating cooking dinner on another day for a workout class you love sounds like a fantastic step!

 GK

[dirtNhorses]

I have been rereading grey kitty's suggest reading on the silent treatement.  The silent treatement is in full effect since my SO returned home.  I am only being given the necessary information and interaction to make it through the day.  She told me that she is going throught stuff right now (health/work/life) but doesn't want help or suggestions from anyone.  I tried to express that I heard what she was saying and that I was supporting her in her journey.  I am not sure what she heard.

Being a problem solver at heart, I want to give advice and solve her problems.  But I am trying to be respectful of the boundary she set.  The silent treatment, however, brings the problem solver out in me.  I just want to make her happy.  During previous silent treatments, I have practically done a song and dance to get attention, even if it was negative.  Now I am trying to stay focused on my values and the boundary I have chosen.  Basically I am focused on me and my health.

Despite that, the silent treatment is triggering fear and doubt.  Part of me just wants to drop the boundaries I have just put in place to find some way to end the silent treatment.  I also fall back on blaming myself for the silent treatment being in effect.  I realize now that if I give up my small attempts at taking care of me, I give her all the power and I am no longer willing to do that. 

So I am trying not to take things personally, I am not trying to start a new song and dance, I am talking to friends as much as I can (preferrrably about other topics to be reminded of the world outside my relationship), and I am standing by my values and the boundary I have chosen.

Just hard trying not to slip back down the hill  I just started to climb.

[lbjnltx]

You are doing the right thing for yourself and your SO.  Keep yourself open to listening, validating, and compassion for your SO while you also take care of self.

We must take care of self in order to be there for others.

Lifting you up for strength to continue the climb.

lbjnltx

[Grey Kitty]

  Keep it up--you are on the right path here! Wish I could say in addition to being right it was easy!

Despite that, the silent treatment is triggering fear and doubt.  Part of me just wants to drop the boundaries I have just put in place to find some way to end the silent treatment.  I also fall back on blaming myself for the silent treatment being in effect.  I realize now that if I give up my small attempts at taking care of me, I give her all the power and I am no longer willing to do that. 

Consciously or unconsciously, the silent treatment is designed to get a reaction out of you, one that gives her control, lets her go through your boundaries, and lets her sooth her own pain by inflicting it on you.

And yes, it will trigger fear, doubt, guilt, etc. It helps to acknowledge that you are feeling those things.

The important part is to not demonstrate those sort of feelings, or let them drive your actions. Instead, do something else that you enjoy that takes care of yourself.

I seem to recall Waverider noting that as he started to do that consistently, his wife stopped the silent treatments.

NOTE: Your partner taking a (usually brief) time-out so they won't inflict their negative mood upon you is not the silent treatment. You will notice the difference. Extra note: Your partner may choose to state reasons for silence that don't match your reality. Just more of the game!

Hang in there, and build yourself up so you can better support your partner!

 GK