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Author Topic: Can't take the Silent Treatment anymore  (Read 11896 times)
EdR
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« on: November 07, 2013, 01:13:09 PM »

Sorry... I just have to say this.

I have been enduring her Silent Treatment for quite some time again.

It has been the usual stuff, first I have explained why the Silent Treatment is hurting me. I have asked her in a nice way for an explanation. Then, I made my mind up and decided it was not worth it. Then after days and weeks of resisting the urge to reach out (and perhaps get some kind of closure) I slipped.

Response: silence

In the past, after weeks or months of ST, she would at one point reach out herself again, she would pretend like nothing happened... .but although I am now 'experienced' I just cannot get used to it.

She once explained this mechanism to me. How it wasn't personal. It wasn't about me. And how she would do this to people close to her. And that a possible future husband would probably go mad.

I believed her. I still believe her. All signs of BPD seem to indicate that this is just a coping strategy. When someone comes too close emotionally, it triggers.

BUT HOW CAN SHE REMAIN SO CALM WHEN SOMEONE SAYS HE'S BEEN HURT? HOW CAN SHE CONTINUE THIS SILENT TREATMENT?  :'(

I know about the theories now... so I 'understand'... But emotionally, I just don't. Why no warning? Why no explanation? If she would do that, it would be much easier for me to let go. So, might that be the reason? To avoid me letting go. To remain in control.

It really drives me insane!


Sorry guys... .this isn't an informative or helpful post. It's just an emotional rant... .

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« Reply #1 on: November 07, 2013, 02:15:36 PM »

You need to turn the tables on her and give her the silent treatment forever... .  NO CONTACT.   Time heals all wounds, I myself also struggling with my x, however she stated that we dont have to be friends, can pretend we are strangers in public, but wants to continue having sex... .     I know its hard, this site is invaluable for venting, and sharing all our common experiences.   Stop being a punching bag.  Her silent treatment is abuse, and the longer you stay in the toxic relationship, the further you will lose yourself to her misery. 

"Wish there was something I could say or do,  I can resist anything but the temptation from you.

But Id rather walk alone, then chase you around. I'd rather fall myself, then let you drag me on down."

Ben Harper.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #2 on: November 07, 2013, 02:46:43 PM »

I've had no contact with my ex since Monday and to be honest I am more than happy. I don't want contact with him again quite honestly. I blocked him from my Facebook account on the 19th October, didn't unblock him and still haven't, then he wrote to me on his second Facebook account in the end I blocked him on that account too on Monday because as per usual he was blaming me for everything. At the weekend I contemplated calling the police as he was calling me constantly at 200 am and harassing my daughters on their Facebook accounts. I lost my phone on Saturday night so right now I haven't got a phone so he can't harass me on that either. The only way he can contact me now is email and I think I'd rather just delete it than read it. I've had enough of the cycle now. Enough is enough. I am throwing myself into my work and concentrating on that and better things for myself and my life. I have had to deal with his silent treatments for so long now it's actually boring.
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EdR
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« Reply #3 on: November 07, 2013, 03:25:56 PM »

Thank you guys. I hope I can do this.

Just don't understand why she can't make it a bit easier. She knows I care... .
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« Reply #4 on: November 13, 2013, 06:14:10 AM »

whenever I read a post about silent treatment I hope that someone have the holy grail of dealing with silent treatment to make the partner explain why he/she is reacting that way and how to make it stop. I have read several posts on various forums and never found the solution.

Like you, I know the theory about silent treatment but I still just can't understand why it's so hard for them to just say something. And I wonder if they will ever learn that silent treatment is a bad way of communication.
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« Reply #5 on: November 13, 2013, 07:59:16 AM »

BUT HOW CAN SHE REMAIN SO CALM WHEN SOMEONE SAYS HE'S BEEN HURT? HOW CAN SHE CONTINUE THIS SILENT TREATMENT?

To hurt you.  It was no different with my exUBPDgf.  2 rounds of that with same silence.  End result, I hurt still.

Hang in there.
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« Reply #6 on: November 13, 2013, 08:17:03 AM »

You need to turn the tables on her and give her the silent treatment forever... .  NO CONTACT.   Time heals all wounds, I myself also struggling with my x, however she stated that we dont have to be friends, can pretend we are strangers in public, but wants to continue having sex... .     I know its hard, this site is invaluable for venting, and sharing all our common experiences.   Stop being a punching bag.  Her silent treatment is abuse, and the longer you stay in the toxic relationship, the further you will lose yourself to her misery. 

"Wish there was something I could say or do,  I can resist anything but the temptation from you.

But Id rather walk alone, then chase you around. I'd rather fall myself, then let you drag me on down."

Ben Harper.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I am a member of the "Can we continue to have sex even after you remarry club"  What a special feeling    ED, we gotta get you to the point where you are strong enough to stay NC.  Think about the bad times, write them down (including the abusive silent treatment) and read them every time you get weak.  You can do it!  Hang in there.
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heartandwhole
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« Reply #7 on: November 13, 2013, 08:28:33 AM »

EdR,

This is so hard.  I'm sorry that you are feeling hurt.  I felt the same when my pwBPD went silent on me for no apparent reason.  He told me afterwards that he wasn't even aware that/why he was doing it!  And he felt very sorry afterwards.  For him, it seemed to be a form of dissociation.

It's not personal, and I know you know that.  Keep reminding yourself that this behavior is part of a super defense mechanism that protects a pwBPD from (potential) pain.

Of course, it's possible to use silence as a way to punish or hurt someone, but that is true of anyone, with or without a PD.  She said it wasn't about you, and I'm inclined to believe that she was speaking her truth when she said that.

Hang in there.  We're here for you.
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
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« Reply #8 on: November 13, 2013, 09:06:49 AM »

The silent treatment is pure torture and what was always so difficult for me is when he leaves if I dont reach out, he usually comes back within 2 weeks and when I tell him how much it hurt he always says he is waiting on me too… that he felt like I was giving him the silent treatment……but when I do reach out unless I totally find a way to say EVERYTHING that he wants to hear in the perfect way, he will not ever respond until he is ready. Its like something switches in his brain. Then he comes back full of love and idealization until he feels threatened again which used to take months, then weeks, then days and not it seems within hours he is angry about something…and trys to get me to see how terrible I am. I don't want this anymore…I hope hope I am strong enough to resist next time.
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WalrusGumboot
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Two years out and getting better all the time!


« Reply #9 on: November 13, 2013, 11:32:10 AM »

She once explained this mechanism to me. How it wasn't personal. It wasn't about me. And how she would do this to people close to her. And that a possible future husband would probably go mad.

This is like a cat hissing before attacking, or a rattlesnake rattling its tail. She just gave you fair warning that she has no intention (or desire for that matter) to change this behavior.

Now it is up to you whether you want to subject yourself to this any longer.
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"If your're going through hell, keep going..." Winston Churchill
EdR
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« Reply #10 on: November 13, 2013, 11:42:52 AM »

Thank you all! I kind of need the support today, so reading all of your new replies helps me a lot.

I'm not feeling great today... .and *BAM* here comes the urge to reach out again. Not giving in though. Not this time.
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« Reply #11 on: November 13, 2013, 01:18:24 PM »

She once explained this mechanism to me. How it wasn't personal. It wasn't about me. And how she would do this to people close to her. And that a possible future husband would probably go mad.

This is like a cat hissing before attacking, or a rattlesnake rattling its tail. She just gave you fair warning that she has no intention (or desire for that matter) to change this behavior.

i agree, what she said probably was 'fair warning' abt the future.  but another way of interpreting the 'warning'  it could be that was her way of acknowledging how broken she is and that she feels unfixable. 

some p/wBPD have amazing insight and awareness about their lives.  my xBPDgf made comments or allusions to being broken/unfixable many times over our 3-4 yrs together.  several times she voiced a concern that she might have to just "always be alone" b/c love r/s's were so triggering for her and she felt bad about the pain.  both the pain it caused her and the pain she caused to others.
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« Reply #12 on: November 13, 2013, 06:43:48 PM »

Hey EdR,

I found these boards after googling "why people use the silent treatment"

My exBPD (likely NPD... .narcissist) doled out the silent treatment nearly 2 years ago and never turned it off. And as some of the other posts suggest, it is done to punish. Nothing less.

The silent treatment goes to our very survival instincts and need to be part of the pack. Not so long ago ostracisation = death. It's primal and powerful stuff, and very natural to pursue the person handing it out for an explanation - and even to win back their favour.

In the early days and months, it drove me crazy - literally. I could not go more than a week of NC as I desperately sough to understand how someone who took 2 trains and a bus to see me 3 times per week for 2 years, could so quickly deem me unworthy of the effort of a phonecall or text.

In the two years since, I have learned this:

- it says more about them than you

- they are emotionally stunted, hence this childish practise

- they are after supply... .silent treatment = permanent power over and feeling of dominance

- chasing someone who treats us badly says more about us than them

- our thoughts and beliefs determine our feelings. It only hurts if you believe what they are trying to say with this rubbish treatment. (that you are not worthy of a chat). Change your belief and you change the accompanying feeling.

- this is not actually about you.

- NPD / BPD are real. They are genuine, subtle, but brutal mental illnesses.

- it gets easier. It has been 12 months since I even attempted contact.

Being further down the silent treatment recovery path EdR, I can tell you this: I am so grateful for this incredible cruelty. The whole experience has snapped me out of a 20 year FOG and I can see the parts of me that attracted broken people into my life. I have stopped all that and now live consiously and with only the most generous, sorted, sane, inspiring people in my inner orbit.

Let this all go if you can. Explore yourself and why this is affecting you so much. Look for similar pain in your past. Chances are this is all very familiar and it seems to confirm something another significant person did or said a long time ago. Counter all of that and impose your own truth onto everything. Don't negotiate with insecurities.

Be amazing

Bb12

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« Reply #13 on: November 14, 2013, 12:14:47 AM »

Thank you BB12 for that post.  I am now only on 16 days of silent treatment.  I want to reach out so badly but I don't.  This time around I will not be chasing and I somehow know that I didn't do ANYTHING WRONG to be receiving this abuse.  This is her coping. 


I too hope I can say this very soon:   "I am so grateful for this incredible cruelty".
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« Reply #14 on: November 14, 2013, 01:07:46 AM »

Excerpt
She once explained this mechanism to me. How it wasn't personal. It wasn't about me. And how she would do this to people close to her. And that a possible future husband would probably go mad.

... .It really drives me insane!




EdR, Of course it drives you insane! Because you're a normal human being and communication between two people who are in r/s is a critical thing for the well-being of the r/s. It would drive ANY normal person insane. Are you the "possible future husband"? You mention previously weeks and months of ST. Do you want to have a long-term r/s with a partner who routinely does this? Even IF you know it isn't "personal"? Is that the future you'd like for yourself?

I experienced cyclical week-long + periods of long-distance silent treatment (my r/s was LD)... .NO RESPONSE to my communications, as though I no longer existed. No clue whatsoever when or IF communication and connection would ever resume. I found this excruciating and it caused me a LOT of anxiety and stress. At that point I began researching about "avoidant" personality types.

However, it was only recently when I learned about BPD and starting reading more that I learned that Silent Treatment, stonewalling, and passive-aggressive behavior is more than just "immaturity" -- it is EMOTIONAL ABUSE.

Whether the abuse is intentional or not, it is still abuse, and it HURTS you.

If it were physical abuse, would we excuse the person because it wasn't "intentional"? NO.

My experience of being on the receiving end of STs was that it eroded my self-confidence, caused me high levels of anxiety, had me doubting myself etc. I repressed the (justified) anger and/or hurt I felt at receiving the ST, because if I expressed it, the fact I was angry or hurt (he saw hurt as "too emotional" would be used to justify more ST. NO-WIN.

I will break this post into a few segments so it's not too long, and will post some info about STs etc. which I have found helpful to remind me that it is ABUSIVE.

EdR, please take care of yourself and know that *YOU* matter, your needs matter, and you need and deserve mature communication in a loving partnership.

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« Reply #15 on: November 14, 2013, 01:26:41 AM »

EdR, here is some info I found online re Silent Treatment etc. which was helpful for me to see how much it hurt me and how it IS abusive. (Author: Dorothy Neddermayer, PhD)

Silence/Withholding

Silence/withholding speaks louder than words and creates as much emotional damage as hostile words. Simply stated, silence/withholding is a choice to keep one's thoughts and feelings to oneself and to remain silent or aloof, to reveal as little as possible and to maintain an attitude of cool indifference, control and Power Over.

Two people may not always understand each other, or may have difficulty expressing feelings, but there must be a shared intention to understand/express feelings as the foundation from which both parties function. One person alone cannot create intimacy in a relationship.

The outcome of any form of verbal [& emotional] abuse impacts the perceiver's self-perception, emotional well-being and spiritual vitality.

... .

The primary consequences of verbal [& emotional] abuse include, but are not restricted to:

- distrusting one's spontaneity

- doubting one's perceptions

- reluctance to come to conclusions

- perpetual preparedness, on-guard state

- uncertainty about one's impact on others

- believing "something is wrong with me"

- constant soul-searching and reviewing events with the hope of determining what went wrong

- eroded self-confidence

- constant self-doubt and confusion

- frustration/rage

- a heightened "critical voice"

- anxiety or fear of "being crazy"

- fear of being "at fault"

- humiliation/shame for the situation

- realizing time is passing with no reconciliation for peace of mind and happiness

- belief "if only I could change everything about myself, everything would be better"

- strong desire to escape

Verbal/emotional abusers are generally in total denial that they are abusive. Therefore the great tragedy in a verbally abusive relationship is that the others' efforts to bring reconciliation, mutual understanding, and intimacy are rejected because the abuser experiences it as adversarial. This is so because of his/her fragility and inability to be vulnerable to create a mutually equal exchange. The raw truth is: if you are in a verbally [or emotionally] abusive relationship, the opportunity to change the relationship is difficult. Without guidance and support of professional help, it is fair to state the obvious - it is impossible."

Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)
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EdR
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« Reply #16 on: November 14, 2013, 08:21:37 AM »

Thanks again for all your posts!

@bb12: Well, I sure hope I can say the same as you after all of this.  :-)

@Discovery: ty, I read that as well. Though, it still hurts.


I've basically come up with 2 things which I wanted to add:

1) I've noticed that the urge of reaching out/wanting closure increases exponentially when I'm down.

Remember I wrote that little reply here yesterday, telling that I won't give in this time? Well... .soon after that I received a mail concerning work. It wasn't great news (not being fired or anything, just extremely stressful situations which had to be dealt with). On top of that, the one I always reach out to in such moments was (and is) currently on vacation. So I went from feeling pretty okay, to ... .well... .down. The urge to reach out  to 'her' then just became monstruous.

2) Because it was all on my mind again, I came up with the following. I really thought it was strange how she could pretend like nothing happened when I ran into her in the past. Could this be the issue with 'object constancy'?

Could their issues with 'object constancy' really be that powerful?


I don't know if I'm strong enough to stop trying. I'd still like to break her Silent Treatment so bad.

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« Reply #17 on: November 14, 2013, 09:27:30 AM »

this silent treatment is killing me.  I have my good days and I have my bad days.  today is terrible and I am struggling.  I want to reach out.  However I already feel so bad so to just be ignored again will feel much worse.  So here I am... .hijacking your post and venting.
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« Reply #18 on: November 14, 2013, 09:29:52 AM »

this silent treatment is killing me.  I have my good days and I have my bad days.  today is terrible and I am struggling.  I want to reach out.  However I already feel so bad so to just be ignored again will feel much worse.  So here I am... .hijacking your post and venting.

Its good to vent, good to let it all out with people who understand your position and feelings.

Welcome to BPD Family 
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« Reply #19 on: November 14, 2013, 10:56:43 AM »

I've noticed that the urge of reaching out/wanting closure increases exponentially when I'm down. <cut> So I went from feeling pretty okay, to ... .well... .down. The urge to reach out  to 'her' then just became monstruous.

i go through this same exact thing.  what do you think it's all about?  what's behind it?
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EdR
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« Reply #20 on: November 15, 2013, 10:12:07 AM »

I've noticed that the urge of reaching out/wanting closure increases exponentially when I'm down. <cut> So I went from feeling pretty okay, to ... .well... .down. The urge to reach out  to 'her' then just became monstruous.

i go through this same exact thing.  what do you think it's all about?  what's behind it?

Several things I guess. But most importantly, it just seems to be the way the human mind works.

When I'm not down, I have enough distraction to keep my mind occupied. And in the more calm and reflective periods I will think about everything, but my ratio can still be stronger than my emotions. It's not like I have to run away from my emotions or try to block them out completely (like a pwBPD would do). I can still hurt, but in a bearable kind of way.

But when I'm down, my ratio doesn't have the upper hand anymore. A downward spiral follows. I never hit rock-bottom, but the urge to reach out just becomes enormous.

Tbh... as I mentioned earlier in this thread, the last couple of days were hard. Eventually, I slipped again. Of course I didn't get a reply.

So... .starting over again.



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« Reply #21 on: November 15, 2013, 10:36:01 AM »

I've noticed that the urge of reaching out/wanting closure increases exponentially when I'm down. <cut> So I went from feeling pretty okay, to ... .well... .down. The urge to reach out  to 'her' then just became monstruous.

i go through this same exact thing.  what do you think it's all about?  what's behind it?

It is the same for me too. The way that urge swells in my mind, literally takes all of my willpower to suppress it. My lack of self love is behind it. It sucks. And it hurts like hell.
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EdR
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« Reply #22 on: November 18, 2013, 10:38:37 AM »

Just a short message: thank you all. I'll probably be posting a little less in the coming days. I noticed some of the topics made me feel a little sad. Especially for 'her'. I have a weak spot for threads in which pwBPD are painted black a little. Or are overgeneralized. (which is absolutely logical btw... .so absolutely no offence) I still care and that is what makes it hard.

I don't think the entire 'compassion thing' is the best idea     ... .so my posting frequency will drop a bit    Smiling (click to insert in post)

The last couple of days were a little easier on me (FINALLY). I now see it as a book. The story was written by two people, but it was never finished. She wouldn't and won't help me finish it.

And despite 'closure' which should come from within and everything... .the story was written by two authors. I can't pretend and finish it on my own.

The only thing I CAN do... is close the book.

I will definitely re-open it to re-read the story, but I won't try to desperately let the story get an ending. It simply won't. Never. It just stopped. All of a sudden.

Maybe the other author will return one day, but then it will be up to me whether or not I want to be the co-author again. Because it would add some new chapters... .but eventually the story will remain unfinished.

I'm closing it.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #23 on: November 19, 2013, 12:22:13 AM »

I am 4 months out and starting to feel better and think my heart has finally caught up with my head. Although this is the second go around so I have learned more. First time I was a mess for 10 months until he came back.

When I look back on all the abuse if I had to pick one thing that was always the most tortuous it was the silent treatments! I'd rather have him yelling at me as sick as that sounds. I think one reason is because I never knew for sure if this would be it and if he was ever coming back.

I believe he knew it drove me insane so he used it as a weapon and punishment. After he would come out of it. Usually within about 2 to 4 days. He would describe to me that he would just get locked up. The silent treatments usually came after a major rage over something small. I bought his theory somewhat but having found out that he was cheating on me I now believe that it is very possible that some of his rages and then silent treatments were fabricated and a ruse to go out and cheat. I think some rages were real and some weren't. He just figured out it gives him space when he needs it.

I also noticed that if I just ignored him back that drove him crazy and he would snap out of it quicker. Unfortunately I was usually in so much pain I would beg him to talk to me which only let him know I was on the hook and he could play with me more without losing me... .Until of course my replacement was secured and he didn't need me anymore then he couldn't give a crap. I was of no more use to him. I was extinguished. On the very same night he told me he could never live without me.

Now that I am out of the fog I cannot believe I ever put up with that. It is a powerful addiction. Although at the time you think it's love because they are so good at pretending because it gets them what they want for the time being. At least this was my situation.
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« Reply #24 on: November 19, 2013, 12:56:19 AM »

Unfortunately I was usually in so much pain I would beg him to talk to me which only let him know I was on the hook and he could play with me more without losing me... .Until of course my replacement was secured and he didn't need me anymore then he couldn't give a crap. I was of no more use to him. I was extinguished. On the very same night he told me he could never live without me.

Now that I am out of the fog I cannot believe I ever put up with that. It is a powerful addiction.

Perfectly put! And this addiction stage is so confusing because we're coming to understand things intellectually but our emotions are so exposed and a longways from the same state of acceptance. This is also the stage where WE act like the crazy one! The begging, the extinction bursts - anything to ease the anxiety of perceived abandonment or rejection.

I can still have days where the desire for dialogue from my ex is very powerful. But I won't humiliate myself again or give him any more supply.

Bb12

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« Reply #25 on: November 19, 2013, 12:38:58 PM »

the silent treatment is really hard to cope with and even trying (or having to keep contact cos have to work with him) is one of the most difficult things i have come up with.I have to keep in contact and it's awful because he never replies to my mails and when I phone to check out dates or appointments etc it's "yes" and "no" replies.

It's hard too because he owes me money and I don't really know if bp can keep their word when they are involved in this kind of situation ... .To be honest I don't want to let him "off " the hook financially speaking because i spent a year giving my heart and soul to him.It's so crazy making in my head that Iv'e even made an appointment with a psy to know how to deal with all this!

Any advice
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« Reply #26 on: November 19, 2013, 01:17:01 PM »

the silent treatment is really hard to cope with and even trying (or having to keep contact cos have to work with him) is one of the most difficult things i have come up with.I have to keep in contact and it's awful because he never replies to my mails and when I phone to check out dates or appointments etc it's "yes" and "no" replies.

It's hard too because he owes me money and I don't really know if bp can keep their word when they are involved in this kind of situation ... .To be honest I don't want to let him "off " the hook financially speaking because i spent a year giving my heart and soul to him.It's so crazy making in my head that Iv'e even made an appointment with a psy to know how to deal with all this!

Any advice

I think seeing a good psy would be of great help. I feel for you having to work with him. One of the only things that helps me heal and move on is not being in contact. I do see him around town and even that sets me back so I now go out do my way to stay away anywhere I think I might even see his car. His sister lives in my complex and even that triggers me.

Personally I would not let him off the hook financially. I know it's makes us feel like we're being petty asking for it but it's owed to you and he treated you badly to say the least.

Btw. My ex was cheating with someone from work I found out after the fact. I keep wondering why he would put himself in that situation knowing full well it will not end well. All his relationships don't just end they explode. A normal person may take a reasonable chance having a relationship with someone at work but they know how it will end not sure if he is optimistic or just doesn't care or is delusional.

Is your work big enough to be moved to another dept? I know this sounds extreme but maybe you start looking for another job. Not fair but this could really be important in your healing from a serious thing. It could drag on far longer than necessary or good forbid he convinces you he has changed. ( they don't. I went back with mine after 10 mo of him in another relationship and it's the worse thing I could have done) If neither is possible I would try to build a wall and realize he is sick and try to picture the bad things he did and not the idealization. The idealization for me is always the hook. When I start realizing that was fake it starts to make it easier. It takes time though.

I know exactly what you mean about giving your heart and soul. I feel like I gave him more than anyone could dream of and he still discarded me. Not fair to say the least.
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Discovery
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« Reply #27 on: November 19, 2013, 07:03:55 PM »

Excerpt


Just a short message: thank you all. I'll probably be posting a little less in the coming days. I noticed some of the topics made me feel a little sad. Especially for 'her'. I have a weak spot for threads in which pwBPD are painted black a little. Or are overgeneralized. (which is absolutely logical btw... .so absolutely no offence) I still care and that is what makes it hard.

I don't think the entire 'compassion thing' is the best idea  tongue  tongue ... .so my posting frequency will drop a bit  tongue  grin



EdR, sending you my thoughts and wishes for your own self-nourishment and discernment. It's so hard to care for and yes love someone and yet realize that they can not return this love in a mutual way. Please love yourself as much as you love her and realize that you matter, being treated respectfully and considerately matters, being able to have your partner respond positively to you and care about your side of things matters. 

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ucmeicu2
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« Reply #28 on: November 19, 2013, 07:36:10 PM »

Is your work big enough to be moved to another dept? I know this sounds extreme but maybe you start looking for another job. Not fair but this could really be important in your healing from a serious thing. It could drag on far longer than necessary or god forbid he convinces you he has changed. ( they don't. I went back with mine after 10 mo of him in another relationship and it's the worse thing I could have done)

they can change, but every case is different and, regardless, no meaningful change takes place without a lot of effort on the part of the pwBPD.  i've heard '5 yrs of treatment' timeframe tossed around as the time it takes to recover from BPD, which may be excessive but surely, by the same logic, 10 months probably isn't enough either to see major change.

If neither is possible I would try to build a wall and realize he is sick and try to picture the bad things he did and not the idealization. The idealization for me is always the hook. When I start realizing that was fake it starts to make it easier. It takes time though.

it wasn't fake, it was real.  but if you're in a romantic, sexual r/s with a 3-5 yr old child inhabiting an adult body, you have to be flexible with the word "real" and understand that a child does not have the capacity to "love" in the same way an adult does.

as i explore this more and more i begin to see that not only was my xBPDgf's love not 'real' in a classic adult sense, but neither was mine.  we call ourselves "nons" but "non" what exactly?  i begin to see that we were 2 broken people trying to make the other one make each other whole.  an impossible task from the get go, i just didn';t know it at the time.
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Iwalk-Heruns
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« Reply #29 on: November 19, 2013, 08:07:02 PM »

Is your work big enough to be moved to another dept? I know this sounds extreme but maybe you start looking for another job. Not fair but this could really be important in your healing from a serious thing. It could drag on far longer than necessary or god forbid he convinces you he has changed. ( they don't. I went back with mine after 10 mo of him in another relationship and it's the worse thing I could have done)

they can change, but every case is different and, regardless, no meaningful change takes place without a lot of effort on the part of the pwBPD.  i've heard '5 yrs of treatment' timeframe tossed around as the time it takes to recover from BPD, which may be excessive but surely, by the same logic, 10 months probably isn't enough either to see major change.

If neither is possible I would try to build a wall and realize he is sick and try to picture the bad things he did and not the idealization. The idealization for me is always the hook. When I start realizing that was fake it starts to make it easier. It takes time though.

it wasn't fake, it was real.  but if you're in a romantic, sexual r/s with a 3-5 yr old child inhabiting an adult body, you have to be flexible with the word "real" and understand that a child does not have the capacity to "love" in the same way an adult does.

as i explore this more and more i begin to see that not only was my xBPDgf's love not 'real' in a classic adult sense, but neither was mine.  we call ourselves "nons" but "non" what exactly?  i begin to see that we were 2 broken people trying to make the other one make each other whole.  an impossible task from the get go, i just didn';t know it at the time.

I've actually heard 7 to 10 years and that's if they were to acknowledge their disorder and that is contrary to their disorder so it is almost impossible. Then even if they do they can't stick with therapy even a short period because they get triggered... .  Ones that do recover are rare exceptions.  My point is do you really want to devote your love and life to these odds.

As far as fake. This is just my situation but My hook for staying and going back was believing he at least loved me. NOT! It took me 4 years to discover this. I read his journal after he suddenly discarded me for the 2nd major time when he foolishly let me pick my stuff up at his place without him there. I needed to know what I was up against so I never went back. It was obvious he was using me and telling me what I wanted to hear so he could string me along till someone else came along. Which he abruptly discarded without as much as a word. Silent. Actually was cheating all along. Yes I think I was fun to play with but love. No way. Even thouh he told me over and over I was the love of his life.

I guess hate to see people stay stuck by being pollyanaish (like I was) about this and waste more time. Love does not behave or treat people this way disorder or not.

It's also possible I don't belong here and should be on a psycopath recovery board. Either way it's unacceptable behavior.
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EdR
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« Reply #30 on: December 03, 2013, 07:45:06 AM »

Let's post a small update  Smiling (click to insert in post)


I've been 'away' from these boards for a few weeks now. I do check the boards, but not as regularly. And I didn't post that much anymore.

It was the best thing to do in my case, and it helped. I've had an easier time letting go (or actually: starting to let go).

I really appreciated this post btw: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=214588.0

Especially since the whole passive-aggressive thing fitted my situation really well.

It is not all that easy though. I find it hard to grasp that she can be all friendly amongst other people. They just don't know her very well, but it still is quite hard. I still sometimes wish that 'mask' would not be a 'mask', but her true self. (well... it is in a way... but I hope you get the idea)

I sometimes have these crazy thoughts as well, doubting if she actually received my last message. A few weeks earlier I would then have a major urge to send something similar again. But not now. Because it makes no difference.

I also had a weird dream in which I saw her waiting for me after work. She was just standing there on my route home, waiting for me to come to her. I didn't. I continued my way home and ignored her. She then left. Silently. And I felt kinda bad in a way... not completely sure if I did the right thing.

The dream(s) and everything didn't make me contact her though. So that's a really good thing. She is and remains the same.
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Pearl55
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« Reply #31 on: December 03, 2013, 08:19:50 AM »

Huhhuh

To HURT you and HURT you because they are sadistic and take pleasure out of it. I've seen this sick pleasure on my husband's face while I was very angry on the phone with my lawyer. I couldn't believe it when I saw him how he was enjoying from it. Silent treatment is all about CONTROL and PUNISHMENT and see you get hurt and enjoy it.if you beg them to stop they will do it more to hurt you more.they only stop when they want to.
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