mumuli
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 9
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« on: November 12, 2013, 08:30:24 PM » |
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I am not trying to fish for sympathy, but I can't help but shake this feeling that it is my fault that my exBPDf (waif) left me for someone else. As a waif, she was EXTREMELY subservient. For four years, she did almost everything that I asked for. She always treated me well, and she was never mad at me. She always did everything with a smile, and said "I don't mind doing things because I love you, and I want you to be happy." I always tried to do things for her, but it almost feel like she is resistant to my help. I am also a graduate school student, so there were times where I didn't do/ want to do things for her. She was always saying how "perfect" and wonderful I am, and that she don't deserve me, and that by doing things for me she feels she is worthy. So here are a list of things that I did that are EATING my alive from the inside, the guilt is overwhelming.
1. During finals of this year (May, June, July) she wanted to go do a lot of places. But I did not want to go. I had no energy for anything else other than eating, schoolwork, sleeping, or playing games to distress. When I said later :ya I can tank you", she would say "forget, I dont want to go anymore." But I should have taken her, or make up an excuse to take her. She is 24 and has no driver's license, so she is dependent on me, and I let her down.
2. I got frustrated at her because she doesn't do anything for herself. When I am doing my own thing, she would sit in our room for HOURS, looking at her laptop. I wanted her to come outside with our roommates, but she refuses to. I asked if I can do anything for her, and she would always say no, or simply "give me a hug"- which I did, and she promptly asked that I leave her alone.
When we broke up, she told me that it is because I am too successful and that I know what I want in life, and she did not. I told her that I loved her. I will be a doctor soon, and I want to support her in whatever she desires to do now and in the future. I have been paying for her rent, food, med insurance, shopping for the past 4 years, and she said that any help she gets from my and my family makes her feel worthless and resentful.
This is why I don't know how to/ if I should let go of her. She did nothing but care for me. All the pain I am experiencing was only from these few months of devaluation, and eventual dumping. But before that she was my perfect companion, and I feel like I didn't focused on her enough to keep her. There is ap art of me that is saying "Why did I got enrolled into grad school and try to become successful?" and "why did I have fun with friends?"
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