Why this might be the worst mental illness to deal with in a lover.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

If someone has multiple personality disorder, schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder. You can see their behavior as irrational, without any knowledge about those disorders. But with BPD, they are so convinced themselves that nothing is wrong with themselves, and so good at convincing you that you're the problem, that it makes you doubt yourself. My ex-gf, she didn't sleep around or go outside of socially acceptable behavior much, except to me. I'm extremely intelligent, and I've never had trouble figuring out anything, except for her! And now I realize, it was because she never figured out herself, let alone other people. My co-dependency and her unwavering conviction about things caused me to completely stop trusting my own mind. Because I began to see myself as a problem, just like she saw me. It's all so sad and sick. Although I think my co-dependency is something I need to work on, I worry for her, for her new husband. She has had a very hard life, harder than I ever did. But she is so god damned broken and unable to see a problem that she is bound to hurt herself and her husband again.

[BuildingFromScratch]

If someone has multiple personality disorder, schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder. You can see their behavior as irrational, without any knowledge about those disorders. But with BPD, they are so convinced themselves that nothing is wrong with themselves, and so good at convincing you that you're the problem, that it makes you doubt yourself. My ex-gf, she didn't sleep around or go outside of socially acceptable behavior much, except to me. I'm extremely intelligent, and I've never had trouble figuring out anything, except for her! And now I realize, it was because she never figured out herself, let alone other people. My co-dependency and her unwavering conviction about things caused me to completely stop trusting my own mind. Because I began to see myself as a problem, just like she saw me. It's all so sad and sick. Although I think my co-dependency is something I need to work on, I worry for her, for her new husband. She has had a very hard life, harder than I ever did. But she is so god damned broken and unable to see a problem that she is bound to hurt herself and her husband again.

[Waifed]

If someone has multiple personality disorder, schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder. You can see their behavior as irrational, without any knowledge about those disorders. But with BPD, they are so convinced themselves that nothing is wrong with themselves, and so good at convincing you that you're the problem, that it makes you doubt yourself. My ex-gf, she didn't sleep around or go outside of socially acceptable behavior much, except to me. I'm extremely intelligent, and I've never had trouble figuring out anything, except for her! And now I realize, it was because she never figured out herself, let alone other people. My co-dependency and her unwavering conviction about things caused me to completely stop trusting my own mind. Because I began to see myself as a problem, just like she saw me. It's all so sad and sick. Although I think my co-dependency is something I need to work on, I worry for her, for her new husband. She has had a very hard life, harder than I ever did. But she is so god damned broken and unable to see a problem that she is bound to hurt herself and her husband again.

Projection my friend... .

bold - This is why there is no logical reason to pursue any type of relationship with them ever again.  If we do, we must seriously look at ourselves.

[Lady31]

Superior,

I totally relate to what you are saying and was thinking about this the other day.  You are exactly right in the logistics of how it all occurs between the two people and the dangers of this PD because of that.  Very concise and accurate analysis.

Sounds like your mind finally did get a hold of it - just cost you a little crazy and hell to get there.

[strikeforce]

I never knew such people existed, I never knew that anything could cause so much damage to me.

I of course knew that there were depressed, severely damaged people out there, but I always thought that I would see them a mile off and avoid. And in the event of dating one I believed I could simply walk away. That was not to be the case unfortunately.

By the time I started to study BPD it was too late, I was in too deep.

I had the belief that I could weather it and make it work, even with people telling me to run away.

They destroy and mess up so many lives.

[HarmKrakow]

It is the worst mental disease

[Turkish]

If someone has multiple personality disorder, schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder. You can see their behavior as irrational, without any knowledge about those disorders. But with BPD, they are so convinced themselves that nothing is wrong with themselves, and so good at convincing you that you're the problem, that it makes you doubt yourself. My ex-gf, she didn't sleep around or go outside of socially acceptable behavior much, except to me. I'm extremely intelligent, and I've never had trouble figuring out anything, except for her! And now I realize, it was because she never figured out herself, let alone other people. My co-dependency and her unwavering conviction about things caused me to completely stop trusting my own mind. Because I began to see myself as a problem, just like she saw me. It's all so sad and sick. Although I think my co-dependency is something I need to work on, I worry for her, for her new husband. She has had a very hard life, harder than I ever did. But she is so god damned broken and unable to see a problem that she is bound to hurt herself and her husband again.

Sounds like you are in a good place, SO, very self-aware. BPD is insidiously hard to nail down. And there is still the social stigma surrounding it, for some of the reasons which you say. Bi-polars get a lot more sympathy, because it seems (rightly or wrongly) easier to understand for nons. Medication, maybe some counseling, and it's workable... .at least to those who don't have to live with them. BPDs, especially the higher functioning ones, don't seem like they have anything wrong. So we think WE may have something wrong with us, other than the co-dependant tendencies. I almost "diagnosed" mine with BPD about 5 years ago, about a year into our relationship. But it seemed too weird. I let her gaslight me for the next few years and here I am, near or at the end. With two kids between us to boot. Her family just thinks she is periodically angry and difficult.

[Ironmanrises]

I simply hate this f¥cking disorder. The projection, the gas lighting, the contradictory behavior, the turning into the other side. Oh and the re engagements. All of that adds up to a god awful sh¥tty mess that we(including myself) got ourselves into. And trying to extricate yourself from it, has been the hardest thing I have encountered in my life. Apologies for my vulgarity.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, the emotional bait and switch does a number on us optimists who go into it openhearted.  My naivety died as a result of the toxic exposure, and the key going forward is to retain the awareness but also the optimism.  I know folks who got screwed and are still bitter 10 years later; don't go there, life's too short, too much living to do, leave the borderline and whomever she may share it with to their own private hell.

[Tricky]

No need to apologise. Ironmanfalls, it's enough to make anyone swear!

A most damaging disorder for everyone involved. And one that I'd never heard of until by uBPD ex gf attempted suicide in a most horrifying way. It only took a few minutes of being assessed by a psychiatrist for her to diagnose PTSD/major anxiety for me, and BPD for my ex.

I think it is our duty to spread the word about this disorder - tell everyone who will listen (no need to name names) especially single friends. Tell them about the behaviour and the common signs. Ignorance is not bliss in this case.

During discussions with a friend she instantly spotted the symptoms in her mother, and it changed her view of her mother's destructive behaviour towards her children and several husbands. Although it won't change anything that happened, it did give her an insight and mollify some of her guilt about the limited contact she'd had with her emotionally dangerous parent in recent years.

Wish I'd known about, or even just heard of it before. A terrible illness indeed.

[Turkish]

No need to apologise. Ironmanfalls, it's enough to make anyone swear!

A most damaging disorder for everyone involved. And one that I'd never heard of until by uBPD ex gf attempted suicide in a most horrifying way. It only took a few minutes of being assessed by a psychiatrist for her to diagnose PTSD/major anxiety for me, and BPD for my ex.

I think it is our duty to spread the word about this disorder - tell everyone who will listen (no need to name names) especially single friends. Tell them about the behaviour and the common signs.

Wish I'd known about, or even just heard of it before. A terrible illness indeed.

A friend of mine who divorced a likely BPD wife a decade ago thinks we should be trumpeting this illness to anyone who will listen. Writing about it. Talking about it, etc... .we have identified several people we have known who are also likely BPD sufferers. Once you become educated about this, your whole world view starts to change. I've been educating a long time friend of mine, and we think his little sister (a 13 year old trapped in a 40 year old's body) is a likely one as well. I've known her literally since she was 9 and this seems likely. Ditto for a former co-worker, an ex wife of another friend. Same, freaking, behaviors and patterns.

[strikeforce]

Someone told me recently it should be taught in school

[Jadam12]

Though I've often felt like telling everyone about BPD I don't think it's really a good idea either.  In part because some of us are making our own diagnoses, I know I did.

My ex definitely fits many of the behaviors and my personal experiences are shared by most on these discussion boards and that is enough for me.  No point in making a crusade over it that could be unfair to a lot of people who we think may have these problems.

It does suck though, getting involved with a person who suffers with high anxiety, abandonment and everything else associated and it really sucks for them too.

There is nothing wrong warning a friend or family member whom you see going through the same problems in a relationship, though I probably wouldn't have heeded the warning myself at the time.

[mother in law]

Everything you say is true, but sadly my experience is that the general public do not believe that anyone can behave like they do (especially a female) so yes education out there by the relevant mental health experts would be great!

[Tricky]

Might have been a bit over the top in suggesting that we tell anyone who will listen about BPD! Didn't mean it as a call to a crusade!

But I guess my words just illustrate how deeply this illness has affected me, and how ignorant I was. And how much I wish I had been better informed, somehow. But still feel we owe it to others to pass on our experiences and knowledge in a thoughtful unexaggerated manner in appropriate situations.

Kinda agree with Strikeforce - mental health issues should be taught in schools alongside physical health. Wouldn't like to think that a population were ignorant of the symptoms of a not infrequent physical illness. Same with BPD! And other mental illnesses.

[ShadowDancer]

I don't know about the "worse" part. What I will admit to... .it is hella confounding!

[musicfan42]

Turkish- you mentioned that bipolars get more sympathy. I know that it's not a personality disorder but still, I think that anything involving mood swings is challenging to treat.

[Discovery]

Definitely rocked my universe to its foundation and cracked it wide open.

Shattered all kinds of beliefs I had in people, in myself, in life.

Having NO CLUE such a thing existed didn't help.

I fantasize about wishing he had had a tattoo on his forehead: ":)ISORDERED THINKING" when I met him... .so I could have just enjoyed his up times and not been caught in the web unawares. *SIGH*

However, clearly I had some breaking open I needed to do for myself and this is how it showed up, wanted or not.

[Waifed]

It is a very bad mental illness. Any illness that has some professionals questioning whether or not it is real is serious.  I read everywhere that only a professional can diagnose BPD. I can tell you with 100% certainty my ex is a pwBPD and because I was the one closest to her for 3 years I can tell better than most professionals can. Because I have experienced it I can also see BPD characteristics in friends and even extended family members. I believe my uncle has likely married two pwBPD and 3 of his 4 kids appear to be possible candidates. I would not label them BPD but I can say with certainty that they have the characteristics. I would also guess that it affects way more than 2% of the general population.  It is amazing to me that 3 months ago I had never heard of BPD. It is pathetic that we are not educated about mental disorders in public school. Awareness would lead to better funding for research. Informed people would learn to make better relationship decisions and it would "pressure" more pwBPD to seek help. The problem here in the US is that everything takes a backseat to political correctness.  Political correctness runs this country today and is creating an entitled, narcissistic society.  Social media is one big "look at me" culture. Sorry if I got a little of topic but I am pretty passionate about educating people about this disease because it destroys so many relationships.

I believe you are correct, BPD is a relationship mass murderer.

[caughtnreleased]

Hi waifed, what do you mean by this?

It is a very bad mental illness. Any illness that has some professionals questioning whether or not it is real is serious. 

[fromheeltoheal]

I didn't learn about BPD until after the relationship was over, but did that matter?  I knew early that this girl had challenges and was somewhat "off", I just didn't have a framework for it.  She was very insecure and compensated for it by being overly grandiose, spoke of suicide frequently, flew into a rage for no apparent reason, felt all emotions overly strongly, was very clueless about the world, very immature, controlling, condescending, disrespectful, and just a drag to be around most of the time, except when she was turning on the cutesy facade she used to seduce or get her way, which became transparent quickly.  It doesn't matter what label you put on that, it's just plain unattractive.  BPD has been around as a diagnosis for a long time, and folks exhibiting traits have been around a lot longer than that; I'm sure we can all say we know people who act this way or variations thereof, whether we can name it or not.

I say there's a correlation between our own mental health and how long we put up with borderline crap.  I was medium I'd say, I lost myself in the relationship for a while, but it didn't take too long to just get royally pissed off at the bullsht, I know you guys can relate, and I credit my own awareness and reasonable sanity for getting a clue and bailing.  Who would put up with that crap for very long, formal diagnosis or not?  I don't mean to insult folks who were married to and had kids with a borderline, and spent decades with them, I just don't know how you did it.  I've read that undiagnosed BPD gets worse with age, and mine was 45, it was in full bloom.  I can imagine that the symptoms don't present earlier in life, and the disorder can sneak up on you as they get older.

It's interesting how computers are changing things though.  My borderline ex found me on Facebook, we did a lot of our communicating electronically, and then when the wheels fell off I discovered her type here.  So I'm typing on the computer that was both the source of the problem and it's solution.  Magic, these machines.  And it's a good thing, because the growth I've done in the last year may never have happened, or at least not yet, if the internet hadn't sped things up.

[BuildingFromScratch]

How did I deal with it for like 10 years or so? I sacrificed myself and became a nervous, obsessive wreck all the time. Too scared to face the pain. And even now it's very hard to let myself feel the pain. It will take a long time. And yes, I was already messed up. Way too co-dependent and trusting of people.