my personal inventory

[caughtnreleased]

So ever since learning about BPD, and having had such an intense connection with someone who was diagnosed BPD, I have always wondered to myself whether I have it, had it, or whether I'm a narcissist, or codependent.  I'm having difficulty understanding my role in the world of BPD (as upon further examination, it looks like there are many people close to me with very strong traits of it), and I do go back and forth thinking about where I fit in it all.  Do I have traits? I'm pretty sure I do.  My T will not give me any labels, as if he wants me to figure out for myself where I fit in it all, although he told me I did not have a PD.

So here is my inventory, taking a look at myself, traits that I used to have, but no longer have, things I am still working on, and traits that I don't see myself as having had.  I find it so hard to define myself without the feedback of others, but I suppose I need to start to know myself better:

Past traits that I have grown out of:

mood swings.

High Conflict relationships with close friends and family

Rages at ex boyfriends.

In the past, I have always acted according to how I think others want me to be

Used to feel bad about myself all the time.  Had a permanent feeling that I had done something wrong... .do the point that sometimes I would forget what the “thing” that was wrong was, but because that feeling existed permanently in the pit of my stomach, I would sit and try and remember what it was that I was feeling bad about.

Have gone totally NC on an ex without having any kind of discussion (I had broken up with him but we kept on recycling, and he was starting to get really passive-aggressive) He really liked me (or rather he wanted me because he knew he couldn't have me) and I admit I kind of used him. 

Traits that I still have and am working on:

difficulty with vulnerability in others and myself = running from intimacy

My Anger/sadness

Trying not to act according to how I think others expect me to act... .and trying to ignore that little voice in my head that says always consider how others will react before you act.

Trying not to put others on a pedestal (I only realized recently that I do this automatically, with people who are distant.  Once someone gets closer, they fall and I am starting to understand how counter productive this can be to any kind of genuine relationship)

Terrified of setting boundaries for myself and others – working on it though.

Still avoiding some people whom I guess I am not able to firmly put boundaries down with, and I seem to attract unhealthy people (it's crazy how people with BPD traits will spot me across the room and come to me – there seems to be instant recognition of some kind, and then they tend to engage in provocation... .! so bizarre)

BPD traits that I don't see myself having:

I don't express clinginess/neediness. 

I am not impulsive and self destructive.

I don't have problems with drugs/food/money/promiscuity.

I have a certain sense of self, that is getting stronger every day.

I have been single more often than not and have never cheated on a boyfriend

I am working on a daily basis at improving who I am, am open to criticism, will take responsability for my actions, and am trying to understand myself and improve my relationships.  And while I have strong emotions, I am able to contain them, and am working on expressing them through constructive/creative channels.

So there is my personal inventory.  It's not an easy one.  It's definitely helpful because I realized there are certain things that I was doing (ie: putting people on pedestals), that I was not even aware of, because perhaps they weren't very big pedestals, but they were pedestals none the less... .I feel like in my life there have been many people with BPD traits, some chosen, some not, and I need to understand what it is about me that is attracted to/attracts them.

[Rose Tiger]

  How are you doing on self love and acceptance?

[caughtnreleased]

Hi rose tiger. I have definitely made some progress in that department, but I think I still have some ways to go. thanks for asking.  I think I am still understanding, and realizing certain things about myself, and perhaps yes, need to work on acceptance a bit more. I can be very judgmental of myself.  But things are getting better every day.

[Rose Tiger]

That is a great start.  When you start caring about you, unconditionally loving yourself, all the other things start falling into place like boundaries, attracting healthier people, assertiveness and improving relationships.  I found a great tip is to find a pic of yourself as a kiddo, buy a super beautiful fancy frame for it and put it in a spot where you see it often.  Those of us that had a rough childhood need to reconnect with 'little us' to get the process rolling. 

[caughtnreleased]

thanks for the tip. I admit I have mostly been trying to get all the other things right hoping that self love might come along with it... .and a bit has, since I understand myself better.  so that little piece of advice is definitely helpful... .when one has had a rough childhood, it is sometimes hard to know where to start when it comes to self love since we have clearly not had many role models for this.

[Rose Tiger]

Lack of role models, that is so true.  Probably why I was hooked to tv shows like the Cosby show.  One of the first things my therapist had me work on was 'self talk'.  I noticed I put myself down a lot in my thoughts.  She told me to confront the lies and refuse to accept them anymore.  My self talk went from, you are so stupid, to 'hey you tried and nobody's perfect, good on you for trying and working to better yourself'.  Stuff like that, kill the critical parent in your head and become a cheerleading kind of parent.

Sorry to hear that you, too, had a rough go of it as a kiddo.     It is SO hard not to fall into victim mode, you know?  Because it was so unfair.  You can empathize with your inner child and let them know, things are going to get better.  Taking control of your life and working towards never being victimized again.  When we were little we had no control over that, we do now. 

[Seashells]

I'm so grateful this thread was started and I'm going to keep this one for myself.

kill the critical parent in your head and become a cheerleading kind of parent.