Holiday Survival

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Last night the preholiday problems started.  My BPD D26 moved to a new place and called to say that she does not have enough money for food.  My H has been giving me the silent treatment for a week, after an argument (not unusual at all).  My sibling called me in a total meltdown (she has BPD traits).  There has been an unresolved family conflict for months. To make a very long story short it involves: enabling an addicted child who stole money, items, etc to live in her house without any apparent rehab and continue to use.  My mother does not want to go to their house for the holidays until he talks to her (he stole her checks, pawned her silver, etc).  On top of this, we are having an all day memorial for my mother-in-law this weekend.  I will be picking up my D at her new place and my son at the airport to stay at our house for 48 hours tomorrow.  Yesterday was a significant day for me: I completed a college course and did very well on the final.  Not any of these people asked about that or congratulated me!

  So I am going to approach the holidays in a healing way:

  1. Put out only the decorations that mean something, instead of the boxes and boxes we have.  I am approaching surgery and don't need to hurt for days on end.

  2. Increase my counselling appointments. I need the support.

  3. Increase my exercise.  I love to swim, so I am going to try to put in a few more days.  I feel better and no one can call me!

  4. Find new ways to spend some time.  I am going to the quiet advent day at church and help out with the our Christmas breakfast for the street people.  I am going to make this a priority, not

     a "back burner" thing to do if circumstances allow it.

  5. Stick in a reading morning.  I like to read, so I am going to try to find time to start the morning without the TV, phone, etc.  It may only be 15 minutes, but at least it is for me.

How are others going to survive the holidays?

                                                                                                 Tightrope walker

 

[Tightrope walker]

Last night the preholiday problems started.  My BPD D26 moved to a new place and called to say that she does not have enough money for food.  My H has been giving me the silent treatment for a week, after an argument (not unusual at all).  My sibling called me in a total meltdown (she has BPD traits).  There has been an unresolved family conflict for months. To make a very long story short it involves: enabling an addicted child who stole money, items, etc to live in her house without any apparent rehab and continue to use.  My mother does not want to go to their house for the holidays until he talks to her (he stole her checks, pawned her silver, etc).  On top of this, we are having an all day memorial for my mother-in-law this weekend.  I will be picking up my D at her new place and my son at the airport to stay at our house for 48 hours tomorrow.  Yesterday was a significant day for me: I completed a college course and did very well on the final.  Not any of these people asked about that or congratulated me!

  So I am going to approach the holidays in a healing way:

  1. Put out only the decorations that mean something, instead of the boxes and boxes we have.  I am approaching surgery and don't need to hurt for days on end.

  2. Increase my counselling appointments. I need the support.

  3. Increase my exercise.  I love to swim, so I am going to try to put in a few more days.  I feel better and no one can call me!

  4. Find new ways to spend some time.  I am going to the quiet advent day at church and help out with the our Christmas breakfast for the street people.  I am going to make this a priority, not

     a "back burner" thing to do if circumstances allow it.

  5. Stick in a reading morning.  I like to read, so I am going to try to find time to start the morning without the TV, phone, etc.  It may only be 15 minutes, but at least it is for me.

How are others going to survive the holidays?

                                                                                                 Tightrope walker

 

[HarmKrakow]

Bake Christmas cookies or candy. Deliver them to Red Cross

Go Christmas Caroling. Be sure to visit the local nursing homes.

Visit old friends. Tell them how much you have enjoyed having them in your life.

Build a snowman. Give him a name.

Have a Christmas movie marathon, both old and new movies with a big bag of popcorn

Visit a shut in. They will enjoy the company.

Go ice skating.

Drive around and look at Christmas lights at night.

Make apple cider or eggnog.

Take a senior citizen to lunch or invite them to your home for a meal.

Take in some free community events.

Read the Christmas story.

[MammaMia]

Tightropewalker

Turn your phone off.  Let others fend for themselves a few hours a day.  Get out of the house (so you are unreachable) if you need to, and use that time to do something you enjoy with NO interruptions from anyone.  Take a "mental health day". NO, this is not selfish... .this is survival.

The world will not collapse ... .trust me.

[P.F.Change]

Last night the preholiday problems started.  My BPD D26 moved to a new place and called to say that she does not have enough money for food.  My H has been giving me the silent treatment for a week, after an argument (not unusual at all).  My sibling called me in a total meltdown (she has BPD traits). 

So to sum up: All of these people expect you to feel responsible for their feelings and behavior. Correct?

Your daughter wants you to be responsible for her ability to feed herself. Your husband wants to punish you for his bad mood. Your sibling wants you to manage her crisis for her. How do you currently deal with these situations when they come up?

The holidays are stressful even in families without PDs, but I have found they particularly bring out the worst in people who are already dealing with the stress of a disorder. It sounds like you have multiple people melting down around you. I admire your determination to take care of yourself in the midst of that chaos. You've put together a good self-care checklist for the week.  Also, CONGRATULATIONS on passing your course and getting a good score on your final! All of that while managing a busy family is no small feat. 

I like to make sure I have a little time to myself during the holidays, too. Even at gatherings, I make sure I have someplace to retreat to even for a few minutes, be it the bathroom or the back porch or wherever, that I can just breathe deeply and center myself. I sometimes create an "errand" to run so that I can be alone for 20 whole minutes.   

Wishing you peace,

PF

[fromheeltoheal]

The holidays are stressful, in that they put a focus on relationships and family and create the facade of caroling under lighted Christmas trees and bathing in the joy of fully functional families.  Fck that.  In years past I've tolerated it best I could, spending time with people I'm 'supposed' to because we're related by blood, and using alcohol and food to cope, setting up a bloated January.

Not this year.  The gift that was my experience in borderline hell has been the spotlight shined on my people pleasing tendencies, putting other people's needs first regardless of how I feel, and has motivated me to stop doing it.  This year I'm bowing out of all the holiday functions I don't want to attend but feel obligated to, because it's about me dammit.  I'm not drinking, eating healthfully, exercising, planning on going on a cleanse next weekend for my birthday, making sure I enter the new year full of vitality, so I can get on with creating the life of my dreams.  And no one is getting in my way.

[MammaMia]

fromheeltoheal

You are empowered!   Crazy as it sounds, this may be the Holiday season you enjoy most.

Spend it as you want not as others insist you HAVE to. 

The Holidays have turned into a season of excesses.  It is all about gifts, food, and commercialization.  Everyone spending money they do not have to try to outdo everyone else.

That is NOT what Christmas represents.  Stay strong.  I am with you 100%.

[Tightrope walker]

Thanks for all the replies and encouragement.  Hope everyone is finding some "personal peace" in what can be a very busy time of year.

                              Tightrope Walker