Shedding more light, now that I am out of the dark..

[Scattered]

Hello again,

I just want to put some of my information out there partially to get it off my chest and describe some of the traits of my abusive relationship with my fiance' who is maybe uBPD (or maybe not undx). I have a feeling, he may know something. I would just like to see what is typical and what I may be "reaching" with.

I'll start with myself before getting into my fiance'.

First, I now know I was in a prior relationship with someone who may be BPD too. When I finally got out, I thought maybe he was bipolar, maybe he was, but BPD I feel too. So that brings me to the question of SELF.

What is in me that attracts these types of relationships?

I know my family history, upbringing, and tragedies of life have definitely carved out a place to be sucked in by their propensity to dish out overwhelming attention. After all, it takes two to tango. I definitely plan on discussing it with the therapist before I even touch on my current relationship.

When we met, I was supposedly in a space of trying to improve and settle myself! My kids were all grown, I had just moved and after a daunting job working with ED youth, I was working three jobs as a bartender and pretty much loving life.

I, however, did not stick to my guns of not being involved with anyone and allowed us to move very quickly even though there were signs I wasn't ready and red flags, I ignored or let be explained away.

Now two years later, all of that is out the window, and I am involved in the biggest challenge of tug of war known to man.

I realize my actions and plan to apply a lot of what I already knew, but was too stubborn to  do, and a lot of the new tools I've gotten from here.

I will be adding info to this thread as I just need somewhere to see what is actually happening in writing, and I also want to be as prepared as possible going into therapy to possibly get a outcome that will at least provide some stability to the whirlwind of daily events, and maybe even some normalcy!

Thanks for reading. Feel free to ask questions.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[123Phoebe]

Hi Scattered

Just wanted to pop in to say hi and to commend you for looking into yourself for the really deep answers that you're seeking

There is a wealth of knowledge available on these pages; read everything that you can absorb and ask anything that comes to mind.

I am involved in the biggest challenge of tug of war known to man.

Would you mind expanding on this a bit?  Thanks

It's great to have you here!

Phoebe

[Scattered]

I now know my fiance was "right" about what he's been saying, about me.

I am too stubborn and too much of a woman to change and please my man.

A LOT of our issues come from sex, lack of, not when he wants, I don't want him like he wants me, etc...

When we first started dating, I was living alone and pretty much anything flew. I've always been a little of a prude or conservative with sex, although I was promiscuous. Once my brother and sin moved in, our privacy was about nonexistent.

He would ask for sex at the damndest times and be really deflated if I didn't oblige.

That grew into I still love someone else, didn't want him, etc. when in actuality, going in the room to have sex while ppl were right outside of the door in ths living wasn't comfortable for me.g. To him, that's an excuse. To me, a reason.

it didn't take long for him to start verbally abusing me, and projecting his thoughts on to me.

Early signs:

Engagement within two months of being "serious" & unplanned pregnancy 1month later.

Ive said:

why is everything either black or white, where's your gray area.

You can't control how people react or treat you

Why are you telling me what I'm feeling and thinking

Ok, we get that, I was wrong, now how do we move on

Why does every disagreement end in an ultimatum  and never stays to the point


He compliments my looks, parenting, etc and then tells me I must be on a high horse and think I'm too pretty to be left... And basically I suck as a mom.

so many things... .

He's said:

I'm not meant to be happy

I know you think I'm crazy

I'll be ok one minute and then just made out of nowhere

I probably need to see someone

I don't have anybody

& more things described in the thoughts of a bof.

Just last night he was reminiscing again about not being able to go on a field trip because he had all a's but C's n citizenship and behavior... Basically still blaming them for him not going, 20+ years ago.

When ths verbal assaults and accusations started, I shut down! I couldn't understand why someone.who hated me so much, wanted to have sex, better yet make love, and  I started feeling abused, used and confused very early. I would "bounce back" honor his requests and then it would be a problem with something I said, or defensively answering a question.

I was probably generally defensive anyway, and his rants would put me more on the defense, only for him to b mad I was defensive.

What I do see that I hear is atypical, is that he has empathy when he's not in a cycle. Is very responsible, proactive and has goals and dreams and professes he wants to be a family man...

He's also he's the one walking on eggshells... .To get what he wants.

[Scattered]

 Hi 123p!

Thanks for chiming in. & thank you for your kind words, I will definitely be continuing to read and absorb!

As far as the quote. That is what the rel :)ationship feels like. Maybe you'll see from my other post. If not, I'll try to make it more clear!

Let me know

[Scattered]

I left out the biggest point in that post 

What I realized is that  I AM A WALKING TALKING TRIGGER FOR HIM because of my life and issues and also what's he's done to me.

I have agreed with myself to let go of resentment and identity as a victim (for real this time) , which contributes to my actions toward him!

[Turkish]

I left out the biggest point in that post 

What I realized is that  I AM A WALKING TALKING TRIGGER FOR HIM because of my life and issues and also what's he's done to me.

I have agreed with myself to let go of resentment and identity as a victim (for real this time) , which contributes to my actions toward him!

it seems like you are beating yourself up.  ALL of us here are our became " triggers"  for our loved ones with BPD.  ultimately though,  it has nothing to do with us. I  told mine that while I became the trigger for her pain,  emptiness and lack of self worth,  she brought this things with her.  EVERY  person she will enter into a  relationship afterwards will  too.  let me repeat,  it ultimately has nothing to do with you.   if it isn't one thing,  they'll find another.  the hard thing is to get to a point where you don't take it personally.  this is  very hard.

[Scattered]

hi Turkish

Thanks for following up with me.

This is the beginning of a journey that I know will take time, but I am going to set limits.

I only say I'm a trigger because even after I had a clue, I procrastinated and put taking steps to help on the back burner. I took my time finding a counselor, I ignored blatant things he has said that should've been telltale, I was feeling victim'y and trying to get him to see what he was doing to me, even after I knew logically he wouldnt. I'm a master procrastinator(now masked as caring for the baby) and he likes to plan and know things in advance.  It's like a chicken or the egg kind of thing... .I'm shutdown and depressed because of the treatment I've gotten from him and he's depressed and acting out because of the perceived and real treatment he got from me.


I have enough  self-awareness to know that there is truth in some of the horrific things he says to me, and also that I'm not to blame for everything and could've probably conceded to everything he asked and he still would have found a way to push.

I read somewhere that a low BPD, gets counseling, a  high-makes you get counseling

I've said I needed to seek counseling for years, as I have suffered loss of many loved ones, some tragic and unexpected(kids father, mother, brother etc) & have other things I never addressed. So I look at is a push(no pun) to get me fully healthy and have a partner. I've always been nurturing and the motherly type, I'm pretty sure that's how I get sucked in... But when the attacks started I couldn't play my role anymore because I had totally checked out from lack of trust and respect and feeling/being unsafe.

He professes his anger and frustration is b/c he have me his ALL & I didn't reciprocate. He has no understanding of my inability to go on as normal after he splits me open with his venomous words and accusations & I should see what makes him do it. My point ispoint was, it wasn't his all if he didn't trust me and respect me. He could buty whatever, if doesn't suffice.

My plan is to use tools here and get us into therapy. Once we start, I'll set boundaries and my own personal limits on what I will stand for before I think of leaving. Wild improving myself and getting a grip on my own emotional health.

[Scattered]

Today he was trying to push...

I didn't let it happen and he came around eventually. He started talking about a friend of hia who's girlfriend gained weight and was having esteem issues... .So a pops on and he decided to ask me if that's what's wrong with me! Lol ummm, duh! But he asks if it's because I gained weight... I lost all but about 10 baby pounds.

So, I, on eggshells, say... yeah... .It's a few things. (before maybe woulda said No, not that, which I think is a trigger in itself for him)

he responds... I know I have something to do with it, you're not going to come out and say it, but I know and I'm sorry and I know I have a bad attitude and I'm ready counseling and all.

I held myself up with the counter. that was mucho progress on his end, but I know it could backfire too. (lack of trust)

I'll see soon enough if it gets added to his scoreboard!

I'm actively cutting out a lot of unnecessary stressors.

Our daughter has slept with us since birth, he may sleep on the couch or in the room upstairs some nights, without complaint, but I know it doesn't help his loneliness. I also still breastfeed her partially because I can't focus enough consistently to wean her and I feel like in all the chaos, she needs the extra comfort.

This is night three she's been in her bed. Still in our room, but at least we have the bed. Hopefully I can start weaning her soon and subtract a few other issues from his laundry list of issues with me.  but seriously

I'll keep you all updates and add more back story when I can and in between reading!

[Scattered]

So many things are being put into perspective from the LESSONS thread as well as just general posts. So many things I was doing and didn't realize I was using a took, so many things I was botching big time & so many of his traits now have titles.

Thank you!

I lived by the saying "perspective is everything" before and after him. and I used to tell him, if he thinks like he's thinking, it will be his reality... .Little did I realize it would be mine too... Since, I've changed it to" perspective is everything, projection should be illegal"

Just gonna ramble some...

Today he's experiencing.chest pains, must have a chipped bone in his ankle,.and a wart that I've repeatedly told him how to cure, is killing him.

All of this is going on while I'm trying to be attentive to our one year old.

But as usual, he fixed breakfast and dinner and cleaned the house... I have been attending to his phantom needs, while I take care of the baby's real needs as well.

While I feel like I've been more empowered with ths information, for some reason I'm even more frustrated(not letting it surface) but I feel it.

Overall we've been ok since I signed up with the site which was the last rage. Prayerfully I can continue to use the tools provided to keep things in line, because he has tried to bait me in.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi (again), Scattered 

I'm so glad to see that the information on the site is enlightening and helpful to you, and that things seem to have changed a little bit for the better since you've found us. Cool 

Hang in there, Scattered; therapy starts soon, right? Hopefully he will attend with you (though going alone will still benefit you), and then tell us how it went, OK?

I really admire your tenacity at getting to the place where you at least know what to do and how to do it, no matter what the outcome... .Still take care of yourself and your baby, and I wish you well!

[Scattered]

Hi Rant and others!

Yes, therapy does start next week. Thank you for your words again

I have some questions and would just like some general guidance.

I know that there won't be a dx a the first session, if at all... .I was reading on the silent treatment and other verbal abuse. I had noticed earlier on that he would ignore me, he says I mumble, so I guess that was his payback although I knew there were things he heard and just didn't answer.

It seems that I was the one who ultimately shutdown though and wouldn't communicate long term plans, or ask for things because he has been such a scorekeeper, I didn't want to add to the list. Or in his rages, I would sit quiet because nothing I said mattered anyway. (he said that was abuse)

When we had that civilized conversation a few nights ago, I mentioned a few things he should do ... .again, and he was so relieved, saying he can't read my mind and all I have to do is say it & I never told him these things. But, I know I have and that thru will probably come back to haunt me.

Does anyone know if there is a standard "model" for counseling? Like what may be addressed initially?

Also, I have proof he's cheated and his admitting and apologizing is one of my "requirements" for moving on. I have asked him and he denies, but doesn't know I have proof. Should I bring that up in the session?

[Scattered]

I also wanted to know of it is ok to post in ths older threads of ths lessons, etc. some haven't been posted in in a couple of years, but I wanted to make myself kind of a checklist of the behaviors he &  I've displayed without dumping everything here.

And sorry Rapt, my phone turned your name to rant

[Turkish]

Hi Rant and others!

Yes, therapy does start next week. Thank you for your words again

I have some questions and would just like some general guidance.

I know that there won't be a dx a the first session, if at all... .I was reading on the silent treatment and other verbal abuse. I had noticed earlier on that he would ignore me, he says I mumble, so I guess that was his payback although I knew there were things he heard and just didn't answer.

It seems that I was the one who ultimately shutdown though and wouldn't communicate long term plans, or ask for things because he has been such a scorekeeper, I didn't want to add to the list. Or in his rages, I would sit quiet because nothing I said mattered anyway. (he said that was abuse)

When we had that civilized conversation a few nights ago, I mentioned a few things he should do ... .again, and he was so relieved, saying he can't read my mind and all I have to do is say it & I never told him these things. But, I know I have and that thru will probably come back to haunt me.

Does anyone know if there is a standard "model" for counseling? Like what may be addressed initially?

Also, I have proof he's cheated and his admitting and apologizing is one of my "requirements" for moving on. I have asked him and he denies, but doesn't know I have proof. Should I bring that up in the session?

Hi Scattered, it sounds like you are "on point" with this, but be careful and tread lightly. First, it would be good to realize that you will have these moments of lucidity and also dysregulation. It gives us hope, but this will likely be a long road. You have the tools to help, but it is a lot of inertia to overcome, and BPD is like a black hole.

I attended couples' counseling with my X. One session the both of us, two sessions she went by herself, then quit. She does, however, still see her personal psych she had been seeing before me. So I was abandoned to counseling myself, and I am still going two months later. The model I think was as it started, and at some point in the future, bring us back together. My T confirmed that this was what it would have been.

Mine cheated, too (and is still in my house with some kind of weird, dysfunctional relationship with the guy). I think it would NOT be good to throw it out there, as it would be like attacking him in front of your T. Keep your proof to yourself for now. I confronted mine and it took seven tries to get her to admit to it, even after I told her I saw the texts on her phone. Her apologies were about at the level of our S3, that of a child. I did, finally, get something akin to remorse about it just last week (I caught him calling her phone while we all were sitting at the table for dinner... .absolutely no class!), but it didn't change anything.

I don't mean to be a downer, and your situation and your uBPD is different than mine, but I am just telling you part of my story to give you another data point to chew on. It sounds like he is very delicate right now. If you feel you must confront him, then be careful, and preferably with your child in a safe place.

[an0ught]

I also wanted to know of it is ok to post in ths older threads of ths lessons, etc. some haven't been posted in in a couple of years, but I wanted to make myself kind of a checklist of the behaviors he &  I've displayed without dumping everything here.

And sorry Rapt, my phone turned your name to rant

The workshop section threads are for people who worked through the workshop material. So if you count yourself among them you are welcome to post in them in the spirit of the workshop. Don't worry that the last posts have been long ago.

[Scattered]

Thanks for everything anOught