Hey ya'll

[smartwoman220]

Hello!     


i just wanted to take the time to say  hello, and share my  personal inventory.   i am ready  to move on, put I need to learn to detach ( going nc isn't enough)  and i want to love myself more.

Ii have  been in  counseling  for almost a year now. I've posted my  back story a few times, and I'm just tired of being  emotionally  dragged through the mud.   I went a good solid 9 months not  responding to  emails, and without having any  physical contact with him... .only to  be left spinning after  hearing the sound of his voice.


Personal inventory... .

I come from a verbally abusive family, where people are prone to temper tantrums. So his  behavior felt familiar.

I have a hard time  letting  relationships build past surface level, for  fear that everyone wants to use me.

I learned to  fake confidence so that  no  one  would ask  me whats wrong.

i am not comfortable being alone ( so the last months  have been VERY HARD)

I so adamantly want to  prove to my family that I'm good enough, that I' would do anything  to  prove it... .

I want to  be loved... .and  often times felt as if I  had to  give  people a reason to love me and to stay.

I like to fix people... .that's my gift to  get people to stay.


My major relationships have been wrecks.  I definitely have manipulated men to get what I wanted and to  have  power  in the relationship. My ex and  I struggle for  power, which  made our situation even  more volatile. I can  admit that now, He was  was the  one i could never control... .and I was the same  for him.  All our break ups were traumatic, with no  closer or real words. The trauma bond leaves us open...

I know now that I will never really  get any  real end to what  we had.  i know that  I could stay on this rollercoaster for as  long as I  wanted to, but I am  taking  personal responsibility  fir myself, because I would like to have a healthy, happy  relationship.  Starting  with the one I have with  myself.

Thanks for  reading!

[fromheeltoheal]

Hello!     

i just wanted to take the time to say  hello, and share my  personal inventory.   i am ready  to move on, put I need to learn to detach ( going nc isn't enough)  and i want to love myself more.

Ii have  been in  counseling  for almost a year now. I've posted my  back story a few times, and I'm just tired of being  emotionally  dragged through the mud.   I went a good solid 9 months not  responding to  emails, and without having any  physical contact with him... .only to  be left spinning after  hearing the sound of his voice.

Personal inventory... .

I come from a verbally abusive family, where people are prone to temper tantrums. So his  behavior felt familiar.

I have a hard time  letting  relationships build past surface level, for  fear that everyone wants to use me.

I learned to  fake confidence so that  no  one  would ask  me whats wrong.

i am not comfortable being alone ( so the last months  have been VERY HARD)

I so adamantly want to  prove to my family that I'm good enough, that I' would do anything  to  prove it... .

I want to  be loved... .and  often times felt as if I  had to  give  people a reason to love me and to stay.

I like to fix people... .that's my gift to  get people to stay.

My major relationships have been wrecks.  I definitely have manipulated men to get what I wanted and to  have  power  in the relationship. My ex and  I struggle for  power, which  made our situation even  more volatile. I can  admit that now, He was  was the  one i could never control... .and I was the same  for him.  All our break ups were traumatic, with no  closer or real words. The trauma bond leaves us open...

I know now that I will never really  get any  real end to what  we had.  i know that  I could stay on this rollercoaster for as  long as I  wanted to, but I am  taking  personal responsibility  fir myself, because I would like to have a healthy, happy  relationship.  Starting  with the one I have with  myself.

Thanks for  reading!

I can relate to much of your inventory, although some doesn't apply to me.  Good for you for digging deep on these issues and getting real.

The one that jumps out at me, in bold, is a focus for me right now too.  We shouldn't need to prove to people that we are good enough.  My family is not supportive of me the way I need, but then again, what is family?  I'm redefining 'family' to be people I'm close to, people who give me the validation, empathy and compassion that I need, people I can talk to openly and feel safe, without judgement and criticism, and my experience is the people who 'fit' I'm not related to by blood, but that's OK.  We deserve to be accepted, and finding the right relationships has been challenging, but the process is simple: risk vulnerability and let boundaries down, slowly to see what we're getting, the right people will reciprocate, and everything becomes OK, like coming home.  This is all new for me, I'm not good at it yet, but I certainly am practicing, and what else matters but connection?  Good for you for addressing these issues too, and take care of you!

[smartwoman220]

Thank you HtoH!   What  has  been  helping cope with my familial issues has  been to take away their  tittles, and  see what  is left. Like My Dad, for  example,  has  been  my  fiend, as well as  my  father.  My Mom, if I drop the tittle mother... .there's nothing left on the  paper... ..   So that  helps.  I also  had to  establish boundaries with them, and learn to  operate within those boundaries and in a way that  protects the relationship.


It isn't easy... .but it damn  sure takes a load off my shoulders

[Phoenix.Rising]

I definitely have manipulated men to get what I wanted and to  have  power  in the relationship. My ex and  I struggle for  power, which  made our situation even  more volatile. I can  admit that now, He was  was the  one i could never control... .and I was the same  for him.  All our break ups were traumatic, with no  closer or real words. The trauma bond leaves us open...

 smartwoman220,

Kudos for posting your inventory!  I was reading a meditation this morning about awareness and change.  It stated awareness comes first, then a bit of a struggle, then change.  A lot of people never achieve awareness, so you are doing great. 

I related to most, if not all, of your post, but I the part I quoted really struck a chord with me, especially the part I put in bold.  I don't think I've ever looked at it in those terms, but that makes a lot of sense.  I wanted to control the situation with my ex, and I know she had control issues of her own.  We were both equally stubborn!   

What I'm seeing is key for me now is to turn my control over, whether that be to a support person or group and/or a higher power.  This does takes a huge load off my shoulders, but it's something I have to do on a daily basis.  I can't just do it once, and poof!, it's gone!  I think it's a behavior that can be learned, however, and will become easier to accomplish with time.  When I try to take control, things always go south.  It makes me think of the saying, Surrender to Win.  This is a paradox of sorts, but it does work.  I've experienced it in other areas of my life. 

How do you let go of control?

[smartwoman220]

Phoenix... .my T says that  in order to let go of control, I  have to learn to let things happen naturally, instead of manipulating things to make them  happen the  way  want to and  at the time we want them.  We have to learn to  go with the flow.  In healthy relationships, that's the way  things would normally  happen.

With my ex... .He took my  breath away  from the very  beginning.  He was supposed to be leaving  for a deployment within the next 6 weeks, and  he told me upfront, he  only wanted to  be cool, since he  would be leaving soon.  Well... .that  what wasn't what i wanted. So I  listened to  his  life  story,  read between the lines and  became what  he needed. I knew I had to get in his head quick, so I laid it on thick, and  before I knew it , he was stuck to my side.   He ended up not going on the deploy ( he got in trouble and was discharged), but no matter what,  we were stuck.   I became the  person he could not live without, and he was mine. Problem was, we  had different expectations of the relationship. I expected that  eventually  we would have a successful union of two successful  people, working  hard together to build an empire. He expected that  he would have  someone who breathed because he told them to, and  would worship the ground  he walked on. This was  not going to be a democracy, He needed to be  KING.  He used to tell me (before he started to show his true colors) that i was like a half grown pit bull you bring home off the street, and  no matter how  hard he tried to train me, I would only half-way listen.

If I would  have  let things just unfold naturally, we would have been able to see that we really had  no business being together.  His true colors would have shown, and he would  have been able to see that I am  more fierce and strong than I pretended.


My T assures me I am not disordered, .  I've  got  some issues... .but  nothing I can't unlearn. Letting  go of control is hard though, because it was one  way that I could avoid disappointment, because things were happening on my terms.

[musicfan42]

He used to tell me (before he started to show his true colors) that i was like a half grown pit bull you bring home off the street, and  no matter how  hard he tried to train me, I would only half-way listen.

You deserve so much better than that. So glad to hear you're out of this relationship.

It sounds like you're making good progress in T though. I like your observations on this thread.

[smartwoman220]

Thank you music fan!

[GlennT]

Wow. thats a good solid self-inventory to stand on. Congratulations It shows by far, you've surpassed him already. Self anaysis is the key to freedom. I'd bet the farm he could'nt make a list like that.

[Phoenix.Rising]

If I would  have  let things just unfold naturally, we would have been able to see that we really had  no business being together.  His true colors would have shown, and he would  have been able to see that I am  more fierce and strong than I pretended.

I like what you said about letting things unfold naturally.  My tendency in relationships in general has been to buck the natural flow, so to speak.  In other words, if I sense things are going south, my control issues kick in and I start trying to convince myself and my significant other that everything is hunky dory, when I know deep down it isn't.  If I let it flow naturally and ACCEPT the reality of the situation,  I can cut my losses upfront and move on to something better.  I realize no relationship is perfect and there are always going to be challenges, but I've ignored some huge red flags due to control.  I will say that I've made some good progress in this area recently.

Good inventory, smartwoman! 

[seeking balance]

smartwoman = courageous woman!


You showed what digging deep looks like - good for you.

I come from a family where my needs did not matter. So his  behavior felt familiar

I have a hard time  letting  relationships build past surface level, for  fear that everyone wants to use me.

I learned to  fake confidence so that  no  one  would ask  me whats wrong.

i am not comfortable being alone ( so the last months  have been VERY HARD)

I so adamantly want to  prove to my family that I'm good enough, that I' would do anything  to  prove it... .

I want to  be loved... .and  often times felt as if I  had to  give  people a reason to love me and to stay.

I like to fix people... .that's my gift to  get people to stay.

Your list could have been my list with a few tweaks on FOO stuff.  Not sure if this gives you hope, but keep working hard on you.  I marked through the ones that are off my list now.  The surface thing - trust is still hard for me now, but I have learned that I will trust people who have earned the right for my trust.  Trust is earned.

fake confidence to me tends to look like indifference - it keeps people at a distance too.

Very impressive to "put it out here" - it certainly takes the shame and power away ... .good for you!

Cheers,

SB

[smartwoman220]

Thanks SB!  I'm still having  trouble detaching.  He is here in GA, about to  go through  trial for his DUI, and  someone pointed out tome that he  may  very  well reach out to me for support. I'm hoping  he won't, because right now, I'm not sure that I  am strong enough to say go away.  Anybody  got  any  healthy ways to detach?

[Phoenix.Rising]

Detaching for me has involved making a decision to maintain NC with my ex and taking it one day at a time.  Are you able to block his number?  I did that for a while with my ex.  I'm sorry you are struggling, and I understand how it feels.  It also helps me to think that my talking to her is not good for me or for her.  I am also a trigger for her.  Hang in there.   

[fromheeltoheal]

Staying away from her and keeping NC worked for me for a while, but I realized that was still a focus on her. The next step for me has been to focus on a future without her in it and then create it; that is real detachment, letting go of her completely and moving on, painful, but right.  Now it seems that being on this sight and talking to you guys is still somewhat focused on her, and maybe when we disappear from here we've moved on a little further?

[seeking balance]

  Anybody  got  any  healthy ways to detach?

sure, plenty of them on these boards.

It all comes down to this - are you ready to give yourself the time and patience that it takes... .if you are, you will do it... .nothing in this life is easy when it comes to change.

[laelle]

Smartwoman,

I felt that I was never good enough for my family, and in my relationship, I felt I needed to "give" above my own comfort level to feel worthy in that relationship.

In return, I felt (unconsciously) my ex should afford me the same "respect" by breaking his own boundaries as well. I needed that constant reassurance and would keep upping the ante to

get what I needed.  I needed to feel good about myself and he needed whatever he could get from me to keep him from losing total control of himself.  Honestly, I probably meant no more to him than an object... .a tree maybe.  As long as I kept passing out the bananas he could stay regulated.

He and I were not so different... .with the exception of... I did anything to keep the "dream" going and he said anything that he could say to keep me "believing" that the dream was real when he knew it wasnt.  You see, for him, it has to end in abandonment, and the more dysfunctional the relationship, the easier it is for him to leave it behind and vindicate himself in doing so.

So, you see... .While he was BPD, a mentally ill person... .he behaved as his illness demands.  What was I in the relationship?  Co-dependency can be just as ugly as BPD.

I have learned well in this relationship.  Yes, he never meant a word he said, but I was asking more than any person should have to give.  Why couldnt I give that reassurance to myself?  Why did I need another person to do that?  We worked well, until we didnt.

 Laelle

[fromheeltoheal]

Smartwoman,

I felt that I was never good enough for my family, and in my relationship, I felt I needed to "give" above my own comfort level to feel worthy in that relationship.

In return, I felt (unconsciously) my ex should afford me the same "respect" by breaking his own boundaries as well. I needed that constant reassurance and would keep upping the ante to

get what I needed.  I needed to feel good about myself and he needed whatever he could get from me to keep him from losing total control of himself.  Honestly, I probably meant no more to him than an object... .a tree maybe.  As long as I kept passing out the bananas he could stay regulated.

He and I were not so different... .with the exception of... I did anything to keep the "dream" going and he said anything that he could say to keep me "believing" that the dream was real when he knew it wasnt.  You see, for him, it has to end in abandonment, and the more dysfunctional the relationship, the easier it is for him to leave it behind and vindicate himself in doing so.

So, you see... .While he was BPD, a mentally ill person... .he behaved as his illness demands.  What was I in the relationship?  Co-dependency can be just as ugly as BPD.

I have learned well in this relationship.  Yes, he never meant a word he said, but I was asking more than any person should have to give.  Why couldnt I give that reassurance to myself?  Why did I need another person to do that?  We worked well, until we didnt.

 Laelle

Hi laelle-

I struggled with the same thing.  I do feel good about myself in general, but I also want the person I'm in an intimate relationship with to help me feel good about myself, and certainly not set about systematically trying to make me feel bad about myself.  I don't see a problem with that, do you?  The only reassurance I needed was that she would stay faithful to me, which she didn't so the reassurance was a lie, and my gut knew it was a lie, so I was constantly unassured.  Any feedback is appreciated.

[smartwoman220]

Laelle... .  I know all too well the feeling.  My ex needed to hear that I loved him all the time... .and him being there was the reassurance I needed.

I left the  boards  before because I felt like the leaving  board was  filled with too much  talk of them. It made me more sad than I was already  feeling.  I realize now that  there is a lot of mourning going on  here, and  we all heal at different speeds, and  coming  back meant taking  what I  needed from the  boards, and  leaving the rest, because it really does help me!

I am  ready... .in fact, I think thats why I was hurting  so much in the past few weeks.

Its always darkest before dawn 

[laelle]

@fromheeltoheal - It is absolutely fabulous to want a relationship that is faithful and supportive... .except when your partner is not supportive or faithful.

What do you do then if you are not willing to leave the relationship (because of your issues) ?  How can you live with yourself?  There has to be an internal self compromise at some point... .

A normal relationship is give and take... .but what happens if you find your relationship is not so evenly distributed and you are not willing to leave it (because of your issues)?  How do you balance the scale in order to keep yourself in that relationship?

I became something very ugly and untrue to myself to keep that relationship...   I told myself that if I could just help him out of his situation, then we could be together (he would confirm it).  I would solve one problem, and immediately another similar issue would come up (miraculously) and again I would tell myself that if I could just help him out of this new situation, then we could be together ( he would confirm it again).  The situations never ended and the "being" together never came.  He was gas lighting me, and I was doing an even better number on myself.  He doesnt owe me hit, but I owe myself love and respect.

In the end, I was an ATM who was checking her jeans, desperate for change... .anything to keep him loving me.

The morning that we broke up, I had decided that if I was going to have to pay thousands of euros to get him out of his next "situation" he was going to have to "show" me that he is serious about me.  Give me something that told me that "this time" was different.  He said that as soon as I helped him move back to the uk we would get an apartment together.  I told him that if we are moving back to the UK, then I would like him to introduce me to his friends on facebook.  He emailed me no while he was going up to the western union to get the 400 euros that I had just sent him.  I told him that I did not feel that he was serious about us being together in the UK.  He basically told me to ___ off and dumped me while he was at the WU office picking up "everything" I had.

I was coerced by this relationship into becoming the angry sugar momma, but I still became one instead of leaving when I saw that the relationship was one sided.

I was not totally to blame for the crazy relationship, but I had ALL the blame in not leaving it.

I never got a refund either! 

[laelle]

@smartwoman220-

The leaving board is Sad!  It is also angry!  It is validating!  It is packed full of  moments.  It helps to put the pieces of the puzzle in place, and then move on to healing and self work.

I visit the leaving boards when I feel the need to be validated or to validate... .  When im angry, there is a support team waiting for me.  Healing takes the time that it takes, and I feel so very lucky

that I have many shoulders who are willing to listen, and they know where I am coming from.

Take what parts help you!  Grieve and heal... its all good!

Take all the time you need.  There is no deadline.  Get angry and I will get angry with you.

 

[fromheeltoheal]

@fromheeltoheal - It is absolutely fabulous to want a relationship that is faithful and supportive... .except when your partner is not supportive or faithful.

What do you do then if you are not willing to leave the relationship (because of your issues) ?  How can you live with yourself?  There has to be an internal self compromise at some point... .

A normal relationship is give and take... .but what happens if you find your relationship is not so evenly distributed and you are not willing to leave it (because of your issues)?  How do you balance the scale in order to keep yourself in that relationship?

I became something very ugly and untrue to myself to keep that relationship...   I told myself that if I could just help him out of his situation, then we could be together (he would confirm it).  I would solve one problem, and immediately another similar issue would come up (miraculously) and again I would tell myself that if I could just help him out of this new situation, then we could be together ( he would confirm it again).  The situations never ended and the "being" together never came.  He was gas lighting me, and I was doing an even better number on myself.  He doesnt owe me , but I owe myself love and respect.

In the end, I was an ATM who was checking her jeans, desperate for change... .anything to keep him loving me.

The morning that we broke up, I had decided that if I was going to have to pay thousands of euros to get him out of his next "situation" he was going to have to "show" me that he is serious about me.  Give me something that told me that "this time" was different.  He said that as soon as I helped him move back to the uk we would get an apartment together.  I told him that if we are moving back to the UK, then I would like him to introduce me to his friends on facebook.  He emailed me no while he was going up to the western union to get the 400 euros that I had just sent him.  I told him that I did not feel that he was serious about us being together in the UK.  He basically told me to  off and dumped me while he was at the WU office picking up "everything" I had.

I was coerced by this relationship into becoming the angry sugar momma, but I still became one instead of leaving when I saw that the relationship was one sided.

I was not totally to blame for the crazy relationship, but I had ALL the blame in not leaving it.

I never got a refund either! 

Thank you laelle, and I'm sorry you went through all that.

As I've detached and the focus has shifted to me, as I've looked at my side of things, I've struggled with the concept of validation.  Yes, being able to self-validate is a good thing, and be our own best company, and love ourselves, yadda, yadda, and if we can do all those things to the extreme, what do we need a relationship for?  For a while I was thinking I shouldn't need validation from someone if I give it to myself, and now I've come to the conclusion that yes I do, maybe not need, but definitely want, someone to validate me, someone to help me feel good about myself, and it's OK to want that. 

And wanting that is not codependency.  I can relate to what you mean by becoming something ugly and untrue to myself in the relationship.  Fortunately it reeked of wrong and it didn't last very long, I credit my own health for seeing that, and congratulations to you too for getting out; it really is a painful experience being in the sphere of a borderline.

Thanks for the clarifications.  Mine owes me money too, money I'll probably never see, chock it up to a deposit in the Bank of the Disordered. 

Take care of you!