Talking it out - A thought

[StarStruck]

I have been an avid reader and thinker & no doubt a lot of you are too.

I am past the majority of my 'hangovers'. My learning came about through life experiences and seeking, especially since suspecting my Mom; about 5 years it's been since I knew she was official uBPD to my mind.

The time for me to have stated 'therapy' would have no doubt been when I was a teen but this didn't come about for me, or even seem needed at the time as I was functioning 'normally' but still had this person in my life, holding me back, in a massive way. I can't quantify it really.

My Mom and dad separated when I was very young and he is normal, like me (well you can joke ).

However she still had a huge influence in my life, especially apparent in my failures and lost opportunities. Which was firstly a hard thing to except and difficult not be livid with anger over this. I felt I was fighting the tide. Everything was robbed from me in nearly all directions.

Anyway.

The point of this post. As there is the internet these days... I am thinking there might be people reading these posts on here and starting to figure out stuff earlier; which is blimin Amazing. I was only reading a post today that mentioned some resolution have been achieved within 2 years of therapy for this particular forum member.

So that in mind. To all the truth seekers that are beginning their adult lives or unresolved truth seekers and a bit lost as to direction and their strengths I would HIGHLY recommend seeing a therapist. To help steer. This may save you YEARS!

Afterall they have taken enough from us already.

Grab life by the balls!

Really hope everyone will chip in to post to add your take, especially those who are currently seeking advice from a professional. The fors and againsts etc.

[GeekyGirl]

So that in mind. To all the truth seekers that are beginning their adult lives or unresolved truth seekers and a bit lost as to direction and their strengths I would HIGHLY recommend seeing a therapist. To help steer. This may save you YEARS!

Great point, StarStruck! I agree whole-heartedly. Working with a therapist who understands BPD has been life-changing.

You sound like you're very strong and feeling empowered. How have you made that transition? Has therapy been the biggest driver, and what have you learned from it to help get you to where you are today?

[StarStruck]

Hi there GeekyGirl... .

I am feeling fairly empowered about things. You guys, this site has really helped me solidify my thoughts and understanding on my situ with my Mom.

However it was a long road before & a lot of reading, thinking and living to come to this.

Thats why I thought I would post to encourage people to talk as soon as. Some people are way forward at a younger age or starting to share their initial thoughts about it, here at the forum.

When I first suspected about Mom I was leaving a NPD, so I couldn't act straight away.

I would never say never though, there still maybe something in there for me therapy wise one day but for now, I'm where I need to be.

Speedy recovery to all - it does come !

Obviously can't change your BPD... .but when you get it together more you start to realize it just doesn't matter half as much as you thought it would.

[petridish]

I went in to therapy starting about ten years ago, in large part because I didn't want to transfer my issues with my uBPD mother to any children I might have (initially I thought her behavior towards me was because her mother had died before they resolved their contentious issue, she'd never dealt with it, and having a daughter was somehow triggering that behavior).

I have found therapy to be helpful overall but nearly useless to actively problematic in my relationship with my mother. Most of my counselors have had little to suggest for our relationship besides me going NC. The counselors who didn't suggest NC just listened and had virtually no suggestions for how I could deal with her without so much pain for myself or how to understand her behavior through a less painful lens. And the worst counselor decided she could solve our relationship through basic family therapy with the two of us -- that was an absolutely abysmal failure that has left me in significantly more pain, with far more anger towards my mother than I'd ever felt, and with even less acknowledgement from my mother of her own behavior and less willingness/effort to try to change it.

I don't know if this would have been solved with more of an assumption that my mother has BPD (I sort of assume that might've been on the table when they suggested NC). I did at various points discuss with them my worries that she might. When trying to make sense of her behavior and figure out responses that would keep me from getting so hurt and thrown off by her predictably unpredictable loving/cold mothering, I'd read about bipolar, ADHD, autism, NPD, etc.

The suggestions of NC were and are extremely problematic for me. I do NOT think that children have any obligation to their parents (I believe the opposite) but I still come from a culture where family is the primary unit and that is a value I have chosen to keep. I have never believed in being enabling/obedient to parents, but my parents both loved me and raised me to the best of their abilities. My father did his best to compensate for my mother's weaknesses (and she did her best to compensate for his; I have no doubt that we'd've had very strange and ascetic Christmas and birthday celebrations with just him). I wish the counselors I've had would have had more suggestions for difficult relationships besides "Go NC". In many ways, I've found it most helpful to talk with a close friend who also comes from a crazy family in a family-oriented culture and who also works to balance responsibility-to-family with not-enabling-family with not-going-crazy-from-family.

Therapy both helped/hurt things with my mother in the other skills I learned. It helped me deal with FOG in regards to her in particular. At the same time, however, I had trouble discerning when to use boundaries and when to give in. Through talking with my counselor at the time, I set some boundaries in dealing with financial stuff (my role from a tween on) that I shouldn't've set unless I was willing to let my parents die on the street because the emotional costs in the years after while trying to undo the damage have been enormous, not to mention the financial costs. I know my situation is complicated (trying to do "co-caretaking" of a parent with dementia with a parent with uBPD who is feeling abandoned by her spouse/emotional caretaker) but I still feel like counselors' suggestions on how to deal with it have been simplistic and without nuance (the skills taught on these boards seem far more concrete and applicable, though often geared towards partners rather than parent-child). For the most part, counselors have had trouble understanding/validating my care-taking for my family (because they are focused on the individual) even though it is a core part of my individual identity and it is happening in as non-enabling and self-protective of a way as I know how for a loving non-BPD parent with no short-term memory (who consistently followed the BP I've seen on this board).

Despite my critiques, I have just started with a new therapist after a little over a year without. I do value the therapeutic relationship, especially in the initial stages when even talking about the weaknesses of a BPD parent can feel like a shameful betrayal (the legally protected privacy helped me!). I think counseling has helped me more dealing with some of the tangential problems/behaviors/tendencies that come out of having a parent with BPD rather than with that relationship in particular (so far). I would still recommend it to others with parents with BPD, but with the caveat that psychology is very young and certainly far more of an art than a science still (which isn't to say it can't be extremely useful!).

I also want to clarify that I absolutely support those who are or decide to go NC or (V)LC with their parent(s), as some of my friends have. I know that's not an easy path and comes with its own struggles and pain.

[StarStruck]

Hi petridish, Thanks for sharing your story. That's really interesting as I have yet to try therapy... .largely and uncanny for a lot of the reasons you mention, in ref to the lack of support/help towards resolving the current relationship. Due to problem being with the Mother etc. They often say don't they that a lot of people that ask for help are not the ones with the actual problem but have been on the receiving end of BPD - NPD.

I think that is really enlightened and even responsible of you to think therapy in regards to your having your own children. In a way I am trying to do the same thing.

So the therapy has helped but not as much as you hoped and feel it could. Like you said about it still a developing art form, which I can imagine also has differing degrees of success depending on the person you are working with.

It sounds like you have never given in, if something didn't work for you change counsellor. Its like you know what you want and using a counsellor to support you in achieving the goals you want to attain in life. You sound very considered and knowing. The role you have taken of trying to work with your family in this knowing way shows great commitment of love. I think that is an amazing thing. I think that if my parents were still together I could have very well have tried to go down the same route. Like you I think I would need additional support outside the family in order for that to happen.

You made a point about feeling shameful. I know exactly what you mean, when I started even voices my concerns about my mom to anyone, I felt terribly guilty. I felt awful that I thought those things about my Mom. Thinking - if she only knew what I think about her. Almost like I was scared that the walls could here me talk it out loud.

I think that too about my Mom ie: aside from her troubles she tried to do the best she could. I even remember her trying and saying things that were opposing to how she was brought up. Like she was trying not to do the same; repeat history.

It amazes me somewhat that therapists will talk strongly about NC when you are trying from a whole solution perspective, like you say, maybe as your sat in front of them; you are their no 1 priority. It's so much more complex than that isn't it. I should imagine that almost put fear of god into you when they were in more favor NC.

I have found that friends with experience of BPD and NPD do really help. There is light heartedness thrown in for good measure, which I have found helps also.  Got to say these people are hard to come by for me. Over the years I've had many friends that were BPD or NPD themselves, that is going back some yrs though and now aware!

Thanks so much for giving me greater understanding, really thoughtfully written and no doubt also helpful to other people weighing therapy decision up,

Bye for now