I got stabbed and put up with violent abuse for a long time. Violence and BPD

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So my first post ever was yesterday and in it I mentioned being stabbed 13 times by my BPDex.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=214664.0

I have been wondering about people with BPD and violence. I have googled the topic and from what I have read it seems to me that Borderlines usually do not get violent, even though they rage. Even though "prone to rage" seems to imply the potential for violence. How common is physical abuse from a borderline to their non partner? For me it took a year for the violence to start but when it did it got worse everyday. I'm taking, punching, spitting, slapping, kicking, going for the nuts, etc. It was clear she meant to hurt me. She explained it to me once and said "when I hurt because you did something that made me feel upset I want you to hurt too".

Also I know the cluster 2 personality disorders usually borrow traits from one another and an individual is rarely just one. Since my exBPD was violent so often, with the intent to really hurt, and she always minimized it by saying sorry, only to get me to get over it and stop talking about it so I could go back to doing things for her. Does this mean that she may have other issues or can BPD be the sole reason? Like I said after she stabbed me she apologized and said she knew it was wrong and I deserved better. When the police got involved I assume she knew she would be held accountable for her behavior for once and she turned on me and took the "it's your fault I stabbed you" attitude. This shows such a lack of empathy I really wonder if I had a legit sociopath on my hands? I'm trying to make sense of the extreme violence, why she could do it over and over, and why I took it and minimized it and ended up feeling bad for her even though I was being assaulted physically nearly every day. Thank you for your support guys!

[beautifuldisaster123]

So my first post ever was yesterday and in it I mentioned being stabbed 13 times by my BPDex.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=214664.0

I have been wondering about people with BPD and violence. I have googled the topic and from what I have read it seems to me that Borderlines usually do not get violent, even though they rage. Even though "prone to rage" seems to imply the potential for violence. How common is physical abuse from a borderline to their non partner? For me it took a year for the violence to start but when it did it got worse everyday. I'm taking, punching, spitting, slapping, kicking, going for the nuts, etc. It was clear she meant to hurt me. She explained it to me once and said "when I hurt because you did something that made me feel upset I want you to hurt too".

Also I know the cluster 2 personality disorders usually borrow traits from one another and an individual is rarely just one. Since my exBPD was violent so often, with the intent to really hurt, and she always minimized it by saying sorry, only to get me to get over it and stop talking about it so I could go back to doing things for her. Does this mean that she may have other issues or can BPD be the sole reason? Like I said after she stabbed me she apologized and said she knew it was wrong and I deserved better. When the police got involved I assume she knew she would be held accountable for her behavior for once and she turned on me and took the "it's your fault I stabbed you" attitude. This shows such a lack of empathy I really wonder if I had a legit sociopath on my hands? I'm trying to make sense of the extreme violence, why she could do it over and over, and why I took it and minimized it and ended up feeling bad for her even though I was being assaulted physically nearly every day. Thank you for your support guys!

[Pretty Woman]

Beautiful,

I almost have no words.  This post has me in tears.  You were stabbed? I cannot even imagine.  It is a blessing you are here today. 



My ex got violent when she disassociated.  She spit in my face and pulled me up the stairs by my hair. 

If they can be violent with words they can also be with actions. 

Do not try to make sense of this.  There is no excuse whatsoever for violence, disorder or not. 

Thank you for posting your story and having the courage to break away from your ex. 

[Pretty Woman]

And abusers minimize the pain they cause by acting like it was no big deal.

You need to not blame yourself. This isn't your fault   

[bpdspell]

Beautiful Disaster,

From what you've written about your ex she certainly seems to have a myriad of psychotic complexities going on. No one on here can officially diagnose your ex but she certainly seems to have more than BPD alone.

My ex was a male borderline narcissist. He was very controlling, entitled, envious, posesssive and as the relationship unraveled I became more and more fearful of the unpredictable actions that came with his temper tantrums and his rages. Being around toxicity on this level is a matter of life or death for us because the empathy is zero to non-existent as they blame and project so you can feel the wrath of their own personal hell.

You may become obsessed  trying to figure out the motivations behind their hateful behaviors but all you really need to know is that you were in an ABUSIVE relationship and that your ex is truly a sick puppy.

Our exes are seriously not well and the violent types need strict boundaries often in the form of a restraining order to let them know you mean business. The minute you forgive them for crossing the line is the minute the will devalue you for an eternity. Their drive in damaging us is ":)NA deep" self-hate and the way they've treated us has everything to do with them and their sickness. You did not "make" your ex stab you.  That is abuser manipulation 101 and a part of their aresenal of mind game trickery.

I'm so sorry that your relationship turned violent. Mine did too and when I came out of it I felt such deep shame for loving a person who felt entitled to take my life if necessary. But it isn't our fault. It's abuse plain and simple.

Spell

[beautifuldisaster123]

It is something I don't think I will ever be able to understand. She knows how much I loved her and tried. She knows by my actions how important she was and how dedicated I was to supporting her recovery and ultimately her dreams. I feel like it was cruel because, although I have had many relationships in the past, I have never loved with everything I had. It was the purist, honest, best intentioned love I think I will ever have for anybody. What used to make me happy was knowing what made her happy and making that happen. The smile I would get from her was the most valuable gift I could ever receive. I wasn't perfect at all and due to the fact that I had never felt half of the love I had for her for anyone else I didn't know how to handle myself. Her constant turmoil confused me to my core and I wonder if there is something wrong with me that the one woman I would have died for treated me so bad. Throughout the entire relationship my heart was broken about a thousand times. Every punch, lie, overtime she cheated, or even said something mean my heart shattered because she was my world. This legal stuff is hard because I had true love I will always feel the need to protect her. Even from herself. In her world I'm the dumbest, biggest ass, sucker that ever lived but in mine her potential is what I love and thats how I remember her. True love never goes away and this will weigh heavy on me forever. Ironically I doubt she even remembers me even though its only been two months. Everyday I dread getting the subpoena to court because I don't want to be a part of hurting her, yes even though she hurt me so much, I will always hope a miracle happens. I will always hope she gets it one day and learns how smart, beautiful and charming she is. That she doesn't have to hate herself and that she can be happy and successful. Even though as I said I only exist to her as some evil entity i'm not, have never been, and will never be. It's literally the saddest love story on earth.

[santa]

I've experienced the rage aspect of this. Not to the extent of being stabbed, but it got pretty bad at times. The look that they get in their eyes is really scary. My ex went from being a pretty girl to looking like she's demon possessed. I've never seen anything like it. These people belong in prison.

[Waifed]

The way I understand this is as follows: she mirrored all of your good qualities because she lacks a true self and hates what she is. So you basically fell in love with your good self. You were not in love with her. She is the person you saw the second year of your relationship. My ex did the same thing during the last year. She was nowhere near the person I thought she was.  She was not the person I had waited my whole life to fall in love with.

Don't beat yourself up trying to figure this out. It is insanity and therefore a sane person can not fully comprehend unless they have tons of time to process it. You will think much more clearly once you are fully out of the FOG. You are a good, kind, loving victim. They seek this type of person out and we also seem to find them.

It is a slow process but you have the opportunity to work on yourself in the meantime. Hang in there and always remember that it will get better!

[BuildingFromScratch]

I can't imagine being stabbed. That's horrible. I was hit one time over and over while I was crying and that messed me up enough in itself. The hardest part is realizing that who she pretended to be in the beginning, much of it was a lie. They don't know who they are, so you can never know who they are. Who they are is a very young child inside an adult body, with a bunch of logic to back it up. They go from whim to whim like a child, and hate anything in their way like a child. You deserved so much more affection and understanding. The abuse you've suffered is so terrible. We all have faith that you can recover. Because we thought we never would recover too, and we are recovering.

[Love Is Not Enough]

So my first post ever was yesterday and in it I mentioned being stabbed 13 times by my BPDex.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=214664.0

How common is physical abuse from a borderline to their non partner?

Verbal abuse is very common. Physical abuse is less common. My uBPDgf recently physically attacked me for the first time after 3 years. So I think many of them have the potential for physical abuse if pushed hard enough. I set a firm boundary for that not to happen again and so far she has responded well to it. She is also beginning DBT therapy soon as a result of the attack. I have also taken a hard look at myself and what I did to provoke her. I am not saying her response was appropriate at all, but what I had said was unnecessary and I could have approached the issue in a more productive manner. I understand she has a disorder that is very hard for her to control and I have to be more gentle with my communication. So hopefully something very positive comes out of this negative.

I have read before that studies have shown that as much as 50% of female prison populations meet the criteria for BPD. I believe they must be those most effected by the disorder. It sounds like your ex was struggling severely with the disorder.

Does this mean that she may have other issues or can BPD be the sole reason?

Yes, BPD can have co-morbidity with other disorders such as bipolar. Although it is my personal belief that many times they are just misdiagnosed.

You have some very interesting and common questions that we all struggle with as nons. The most important ones have to do with you though. I have learned a great deal about myself as I have gone through this process. Mostly my dependent nature and how to take better care of myself. Because the most important love in my life is me. I implore you to take a long hard look at yourself so that you can heal and grow. Most importantly so that you do not get involved with a person like this again.You have to figure out what attracted you to this person and why you stayed despite the abuse. The red flags that you missed in the beginning.

What do YOU need to do for YOU now?

[State85]

I too was a victim of physical abuse. On the order of 30+ different occasions, raning from hits to the face (closed fist), bruised ribs, and black eye. Not one bit of remorse after any of these events... .sometimes she would say "Oh that was a good one", or "Oh, I'm sorry did I hit you with the broom handle". Insane. I've been spit on as well. On some occasions, blood after biting my ear or throwing a can and it hitting my head. And even during these rages, should would not leave my house, or let me leave hers... .not until she was done. I did get the apology (sometimes), but it really lacked any sincerity. I like you was told that it was somewhat my fault... .What the heck! Along with the physical abuse, I was verbally abused as well. On several occasions, at the end of these rages, she would say "just because I do these things, does not mean I don't care"

[BuildingFromScratch]

Oh she cared, in her twisted love/hate way. Much like a pimp loves his hoes, that he beats. Anyways, I'm sorry if I minimized what you went through, most of us have no clue what it's like to get stabbed by someone.

[slow motion]

My BPD ex-wife gave me a black eye and drew blood several times.

Once she threw a ceramic parrot at my face. It broke in half, drew blood and gave me a fat lip. She kept the pieces and tried to display them in the garden a month later. 

[froggy]

My uBPDh was violent at the beginning of our 33 year marriage. It started with verbal abuse the escalated to punching throwing things and choking. It wasn't till I threatened to telk his parents and call the cops after he had me on the floor by the throat beating my head into the floor that it stopped.

He switched to punching walls  and started in with my son when he was 13 when I was at work.

The more you take the more it escalates... .I thought verbal abuse was normal... my father was uBPD and extremely abusive.  I put up with it so it escalated to pushing then throwing things at me... then punching... drew the line at  choking... .knowing what I know now should have drawn the line loong before that.

[zkirtz]

I am deeply sorry you had to experience so much violence from someone you felt yours.

There is really not enough information on this subject. I can really relate to that. When this happens and you want to break out of the circle, you neeeeed to know. There is a lot of unhelpful information around as well.

I'm not sure but read somewhere that not all BPD are physically violent but it is does occur more www.BPD.about.com/od/faqs/f/BPDviolence.htm

To me it still feels it is beyond understanding.

They do blame the victim. They do say it was not their fault. That this should not have happened if I did not... .And I as a victim, I really fell for it. I still do somewhere think it is at least partly true. I know I am not to blame. I still think it is not his fault either. Not any more than it is mine. If he was not raped, molested, beaten as a child then... .

I guess you're very right in here:

-they have an incentive to violence, they want to

-they pass the blame to the victim

-they feel guilty afterwards but do not want to admit

-it happens in intervals and increases over time.

I guess I would add to that list

that it happens during outburst of rage, that it seems to arise from fear of abandonment

and that their being suicidal does make it worse. BUt this is only on the basis of my experience.

But do not only think about the BPD. Think about yourself! How are you hanging on?

[Jbt857]

Mine never hit me and to this day I don't believe he ever would, but there were times when he smashed things up. That escalated until the last major episode where he smashed my sitting room - tables, tv, phone, pictures. I called the cops because I was scared - he was furious with me for a long time after. In his mind, I crossed the line by doing that to him. Not he was responsible for scaring the crap out of me.

He did go on to punch a wall a while later and broke his hand. Meaning he couldn't work. Meaning it was on me to tide us over financially. Again. He never paid for any of the damages. It was always my stuff he destroyed.

On reflection, I see that he was incredibly frustrated by our marriage going down, and unable to articulate his pain and frustration verbally. That doesn't excuse what he did. His violence had got him into trouble in the past, he hit a policeman and went to jail in his home country.

I should have seen the warning signs when he described that to me. As he told it, it was entirely the policeman's fault for victimising him and pushing him to it. Just like it was my fault for making him mad and my fault for calling the cops. It still astounds me how he managed to turn the smashing of our home into being an issue about me calling the cops, and never actually showed any remorse or responsibility for what drove me to call them in the first place.

[beautifuldisaster123]

As expected I'm having a rough time. She has blocked me on everything and I don't bother to look myself but apparently she does leave select posts public on her FB which other people are quick to tell me of. I hate that they do but the posts are the typical BS like my life is so good now, I'm free to drink and look at these dudes giving me attention etc. It has been two months since she cut me off and she has made practically a dam support group of about 15 people all guys of course. They say things like we got your back etc. apparently she tells everyone she just got out of an abusive relationship and I was so mean and abusive. Which anyone who really knows me knows that it's laughable. I would like to think deep down so does she but I think it's become one of those things like when someone lies so much they start to believe it. The truth has become a burden for me because no one knows it. I have seen her do things to sabotage our relationship from the beginning and she has admitted to this through out our history "when you find out I'm crazy you will leave" "your to amazing and one day you will dump me because you can do better" etc.

The stabbing was just the last thing she did. One incident in particular I can't get out of my head is one day she didn't like the way I was joking and smiled at her or some insignificant action I did to "hurt her". I was driving and she started screaming and punching me in the face. I pleaded with her to stop for sometime and she was saying things like "your going to die alone because no one will put up with you like I do" "I hope you die" "I hate you and your ugly, a loser, dumb".   In between blows to my face. I started crying actually sobbing saying "why do you hurt me like this" "I don't deserve it" and I'm a full grown veteran. She was yelling back "because you deserve it you piece of hit". The tears were mixing with the blood and she also was spitting on my face. In case you forgot I was driving this whole time.

Stuff like that happened all the time. I'm just so confused about everything. She would tell me how much she wanted to marry me and be with me forever. We talked about kids and she was the most loving attentive comforting wonderful amazing girl when the other stuff wasn't happening. When there was no craziness going on I felt like no other person in his world could make me happier than her. She made sure and tried to make me happy. She cared about me and would even groom me as weird as that sounds. She would defend me and pretty much do anything to make me happy and know I was loved. It's really confusing when you have a side like that and then all he'll breaks loose.

If I had the good side and I was never abused it would have been the greatest relationship that ever existed. Maybe I chose to focus on only the good side. I think it is unfair and it makes me cry when I think about why me. Why did she choose me to let her guard down and made herself vulnerable? Normally that is a good thing in a relationship but with BPD that's when it all falls apart. It's why I don't even bother to tell my story to people that know me because those people only know the game her the sweet nice beautiful funny woman I fell I. Love with. They couldn't imagine her acting the way she treated me. I'm the only one she ever let herself get close enough to to act that way. I'm honored and regretful at the same time.

This has been the hardest time in my life. It's harder than being In Afghanistan at war.  I truly loved her and for me it was real and unconditional. That can't go away and it's more than heartbreaking knowing that as a reward for my love I was treated so badly. I feel like she took a large part of my soul when she left. I've never been this depressed and lonely. The fact that I have a DA calling me regularly with questions and I know I will more than Lilly have to go to court to testify means Its something which I'm always being reminded of how bad it was. In my dreams I wish she would just get it somehow and decide that no one will ever be as caring giving loving and patient as I was and if anything is worth changing for it's me and she would use that as motivation to just go do it. I know that would be logical which is something I can't expect her to be. I have an ex that said the other day "Andrew why couldn't you love me with the intensity that you loved her. I treated you better"? I tried to brush it off and say I didn't love her she is a monster and the girl said " don't lie it was over your face and now the pain is all over its in your eyes everyone can see it so don't lie".

[beautifuldisaster123]

It isn't just the one charge assault with a deadly causing serious bodily injury she has seven others as well. I wish I wasn't involved in this court thing. I wish it wasn't happening. She blames me and says I'm vindictive and trying to ruin her life. I never called the cops though. In reality her behavior was so bad it couldn't be hidden I actually tried to say I got bit by a dog and the police were like "BS it was R. wasn't it"?

[beautifuldisaster123]

Just fml that's how I feel

[froggy]

Beautiful disaster

My heart breaks when I read your story

I've been through some pretty bad things but nothing as bad as this.

I think you may be suffering from PTSD.

As much as you truly do love her... .step back... look at your relationship as if it was a movie or happening to someone else.

What would you think of her behavior?

If it was a friend going through the same thing... .what advice would you give them?

Your in the middle of this and all you can see is the love you have for her... .if you only loved her more.

You are so lucky you are out with your life.

Someone with this much love to give deserves to be loved in return... to be treated with resoect... not violence and abuse.

This is a great place for support and information ... .read... read... read

We are all here because of a need that we thought  could be filled by our pwBPD... .we all deserve much better.

((Hugs))

Froggy

[Learning_curve74]

Hey bd123, I'm so sorry to read your story. I won't lie, but it was hard to read, you put up with so much. And to be physically abused... .NOBODY deserves that. You are valuable, you are worth more than that.

You love her, like one of your exes said to you, it's obvious. You can't love somebody enough to make them well or even simply change them. I know this from personal experience because I've tried, and I know this from reading the many stories here. Love is not enough.

There is only one exception and that is loving yourself enough that you can change yourself and heal.

Hang in there. 

[beautifuldisaster123]

I guess I'm making progress I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that I do not deserve to suffer all the losses that she caused. And I don't feel guilty about having her pay for the damage to my car that she did etc.

[zkirtz]

I guess I'm making progress I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that I do not deserve to suffer all the losses that she caused. And I don't feel guilty about having her pay for the damage to my car that she did etc.

I am very happy for this last note, it does sound terrible, what you have been through.

Stabbing! Police! And the endless verbal abuse. Oh my. It is horrendous when I read it it sends shivers through my spine and it is not just the horror, it is recognition.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=213657.msg12347350#msg12347350

I am very glad that you stopped blaming yourself, that is so vile. That is exactlty what they tell you and what you want to believe, because then it can be fixed, because you won't do x anymore; hence you're walking on eggshells... .

You end up with a long list of what you can and cannot do and if you end up being forced to do them anyway, you blame yourself instead of the other because it was point 5 and 27b on the blacklist: do not make fun of the mother and do not clip toenails in the bedroom.

The sympathy in the beginning and the niceness is as classical as it is horror, it is a fish pot that you slowly swim into. There is so many things you can usefully read here. But please take concern to the messages on the side as well --------------------->

And second, please read this if you did not find it already. It helped me so much. I really hope it can help you as well:

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf

Hang on there!

[LivingLearning]

Hey,

Was so good to read your story! Sounds so hard, it resonated for me when you said it was harder than Afghanistan. Wishing you so much support to you. Sounds hugely painful.

And, I'm gonna also say something different... .I'm glad you loved her. Everyone deserves love. I figure you did your best at that. And she was physically abusive and so much more. For me, realIzing I love an abusive woman helped me realize I can also love her and leave her. Love her and choose something different for myself and maybe she'll get help, maybe not.

I bet there was a lot that was amazing about your ex.

For me I finally got to a point where I was able to see that I could have a really nice existence by myself or with a different partner.

It's still so funny sometimes to understand past choices for myself though! I try to just see it all as part of the mysterious ride of life.

[LivingLearning]

One other thing I wanted to add:

I think it can be particularly hard for men who go through what you went through. At least in Afghanistan there was a community of soldiers. It can be lonely to be a man who is a victim of physical abuse.

I love that this site can be a place for all genders, and races to connect around topics that matter to them. Find common ground.

I've written some on this on this site about this fact, and there are great resources out there for men in your shoes if you google it. I don't feel comfortable saying more or providing resources as I'm not sure what the moderators here consider allowable for themselves.

Best to you though. I admire your courage to share such a heartfelt story.

[comorbidspouse]

Mine never hit me and to this day I don't believe he ever would, but there were times when he smashed things up. That escalated until the last major episode where he smashed my sitting room - tables, tv, phone, pictures. I called the cops because I was scared - he was furious with me for a long time after. In his mind, I crossed the line by doing that to him. Not he was responsible for scaring the crap out of me.

He did go on to punch a wall a while later and broke his hand. Meaning he couldn't work. Meaning it was on me to tide us over financially. Again. He never paid for any of the damages. It was always my stuff he destroyed.

On reflection, I see that he was incredibly frustrated by our marriage going down, and unable to articulate his pain and frustration verbally. That doesn't excuse what he did. His violence had got him into trouble in the past, he hit a policeman and went to jail in his home country.

I should have seen the warning signs when he described that to me. As he told it, it was entirely the policeman's fault for victimising him and pushing him to it. Just like it was my fault for making him mad and my fault for calling the cops. It still astounds me how he managed to turn the smashing of our home into being an issue about me calling the cops, and never actually showed any remorse or responsibility for what drove me to call them in the first place.

Oh my god. This explains an interaction with my husband to a tee. He threw some things and hit me in the eye with hot food (it sounds so hiting ridiculous, but I was in shock and totally freaked out because while he's smashed things before, he's never thrown anything at me) so I called the police (for the second time in our relationship). By the time they arrived, I was crying, and I still had food all over my face and in my eyes and they took him and held him overnight. To this day, every day, he reminds me that I "sent him to jail" as though it was something I did to HIM. No accountability! It's so upsetting and hurtful to hear him speak with such resentment about something he brought upon himself. I don't know if I can keep living like this, without him holding himself accountable.

[Jbt857]

Mine never hit me and to this day I don't believe he ever would, but there were times when he smashed things up. That escalated until the last major episode where he smashed my sitting room - tables, tv, phone, pictures. I called the cops because I was scared - he was furious with me for a long time after. In his mind, I crossed the line by doing that to him. Not he was responsible for scaring the crap out of me.

He did go on to punch a wall a while later and broke his hand. Meaning he couldn't work. Meaning it was on me to tide us over financially. Again. He never paid for any of the damages. It was always my stuff he destroyed.

On reflection, I see that he was incredibly frustrated by our marriage going down, and unable to articulate his pain and frustration verbally. That doesn't excuse what he did. His violence had got him into trouble in the past, he hit a policeman and went to jail in his home country.

I should have seen the warning signs when he described that to me. As he told it, it was entirely the policeman's fault for victimising him and pushing him to it. Just like it was my fault for making him mad and my fault for calling the cops. It still astounds me how he managed to turn the smashing of our home into being an issue about me calling the cops, and never actually showed any remorse or responsibility for what drove me to call them in the first place.

Oh my god. This explains an interaction with my husband to a tee. He threw some things and hit me in the eye with hot food (it sounds so ing ridiculous, but I was in shock and totally freaked out because while he's smashed things before, he's never thrown anything at me) so I called the police (for the second time in our relationship). By the time they arrived, I was crying, and I still had food all over my face and in my eyes and they took him and held him overnight. To this day, every day, he reminds me that I "sent him to jail" as though it was something I did to HIM. No accountability! It's so upsetting and hurtful to hear him speak with such resentment about something he brought upon himself. I don't know if I can keep living like this, without him holding himself accountable.

It's quite incredible, isn't it, the ability they have to utterly avoid any responsibility for their actions. We were scared and frightened and had to do something to stop the situation. And we become the bad guys for calling someone to intervene.

He never properly apologised. He came back from a night in the cells absolutely furious. I had been up all night cleaning up the broken glass (he'd smashed glasses, pictures, thrown a coffee table, smashed the tv, my phone). And of course, he was broke, so who paid to replace that stuff? Me.

I have endless examples where in his mind, he's acted out because of someone else 'making' him. I'd try and rationalise some of those with him in quieter times, but he was unapologetic - it was just the way he is, in his mind.

Comorbid, you are not in a healthy environment if you are experiencing that. I'm 9 months out of my 10 year marriage, and it's really difficult to be here, but now I have some distance I can actually see how far from normal those incidents are. If, like me, they escalated, then it's quite easy I think for us to minimise how shocking these things are. Normal people in balanced, adult relationships just don't do that stuff. It's not okay for him to be doing that to you. A healthy individual would not accept that kind of behaviour. A healthy person would be able to take responsibility for their actions.

That isn't the dynamics of a healthy relationship.

Stay safe. 

[comorbidspouse]

He never properly apologised. He came back from a night in the cells absolutely furious. I had been up all night cleaning up the broken glass (he'd smashed glasses, pictures, thrown a coffee table, smashed the tv, my phone). And of course, he was broke, so who paid to replace that stuff? Me.

Exactly the same scenario. Of course, for some reason I felt compelled to pick him up, big mistake, at some point, maybe 5 minutes into picking him up he started yelling about how he was going to destroy me, so I stopped the car and told him to get out and find his own way home.

I know it's not the best situation, but I think that incident kind of scared him a little and we haven't had any outbursts since. I came here so that I could try to learn some tools to avoid that kind of thing. I don't want to give up on him.

[heartandwhole]

beautifuldisaster123,

I'm sorry to hear about the pain and violence in your relationship.  That is so difficult to endure.  I'm glad you are taking time for yourself to heal. 

Your post made me think about what a healthy relationship is.  I remember speaking with a therapist once and being shocked when he gave me a list of "rights" every person has in a relationship.  I was floored, which later made me sad.  I realized that I didn't know what healthy was.

Here's something from our articles that might resonate.  I think when we are "all in" these kinds of relationships, it's so easy to forget what it's all about.

The Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

And from that article:

13. Remember that you can't teach an elephant to fly. It will just frustrate you and irritate the hell out of the elephant. Most unrecovered from BPD do not have the emotional capacity to be in a relationship. Yes, it's sad, but it's the truth. And, you can't give him/her those emotional capacities. Sometimes by staying with them, you are keeping them from developing the emotional capacities. You are enabling them to continue being emotionally ill.

Hang in there.  We're here to support you. 

[Surnia]

Hi beautifuldisaster123

I am so very sorry what you had to go through. This is horrible, no one should go through this. 

I really hope you can find peace for your own healing.

[Jbt857]

He never properly apologised. He came back from a night in the cells absolutely furious. I had been up all night cleaning up the broken glass (he'd smashed glasses, pictures, thrown a coffee table, smashed the tv, my phone). And of course, he was broke, so who paid to replace that stuff? Me.

Exactly the same scenario. Of course, for some reason I felt compelled to pick him up, big mistake, at some point, maybe 5 minutes into picking him up he started yelling about how he was going to destroy me, so I stopped the car and told him to get out and find his own way home.

I know it's not the best situation, but I think that incident kind of scared him a little and we haven't had any outbursts since. I came here so that I could try to learn some tools to avoid that kind of thing. I don't want to give up on him.

I hope you find some answers that help.

For me, the drama that got him arrested led to a peace for a few months - maybe 2 or 3, before he punched a door and broke his hand. That was about a year before I told him I had enough and we were done. Things had degenerated to a point where there was literally zero trust left and he had been so unwilling for so long to do anything to contribute to fixing things and we literally could barely go a day without arguing.

I think unless he agrees to therapy, you are in for a very rough ride, but I wish you all the very best.