Making peace at Xmas time?

[Diana82]

Do you think sending your ex BPD friend or lover a Christmas greeting is a good idea to make peace?   

I had a fall out with my exUBPD lover turned friend recently.

She lashed out at me and accused me of calling her something I never called, followed by telling me I make her feel terrible. We mutually agreed to leave things be for a while (3 weeks ago), but then she sent me an article to not label women as crazy. And it started another argument. I ended up telling her to stop taking out her hurt and bitterness on me.  I've felt like a punching bag for a month!

And now she has given me the silent treatment for 2 weeks.     I tried to extend a nicer message a week after telling her to not take out her hurt on me... but no response. She's also deleted me off Facebook

Do you think if I try one last time to make peace around Xmas time it might be worth a shot?  Maybe a quick text saying "I know you're not talking to me right now... but wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Hope you get everything you wish for"?

[HoldingAHurricane]

Your friend seems to be communicating a need for space by going non-contact for the last 2 weeks and removing ways for you to contact her. You tried contact and go no response. Admittedly, it can be confusing and not ever knowing what they want you to do when they have a history of asking for NC and then breaking it creates uncertainty. The trick is to stop thinking so much about what they want and spending time thinking about what you want.

Since you cannot control how your message will be received, what will you get out of making a peace offering which will be of value to you regardless of how she responds?

[Diana82]

I guess it might be my last attempt at trying to be friends or at least civil with her...  

after our first fight, I contacted her a week later by trying to call her. And she sent me a text saying "Hey! sorry I missed your call. I'm just working out a mystery at work at the moment. Hope you're well "

It was bizarre... considering she had ignored my previous attempts to make peace with her for a week.

So I am thinking that space may give her time to settle down... or 'cool' down... .

[123Phoebe]

Do you think sending your ex BPD friend or lover a Christmas greeting is a good idea to make peace?   

Do you think if I try one last time to make peace around Xmas time it might be worth a shot?  Maybe a quick text saying "I know you're not talking to me right now... but wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Hope you get everything you wish for"?

Hi Diana

I guess I'm wondering what you're aiming to gain by bringing it to her attention that she's not talking to you right now?  Is it that even though she's not talking to you, you still wish her the best?  I can appreciate that.

Could this sentence be omitted from the text (I know you're not talking to me right now?)  And send a simple, "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!  Hope you get everything you wish for!  ", instead?

Without attaching anything from the past to it?  Otherwise, it sounds rather emotionally loaded, imo.

Have you noticed a pattern in her nicer responses to you?  That when she's not feeling blamed for something, she's more open?

That tweaking things a bit can help to take some of the pressure off?

It's something that I struggle with too, Diana.  In my mind I've got the best of intentions, how it comes bubbling forth is anybody's guess as to how it's received/perceived. 

It's important to be mindful that we're interacting with a person who struggles with a disorder of the emotions.  Accepting it.  While building a bridge to better communication dynamics.

[Diana82]

you do have a point 123Phoebe... .

Well, the last message I sent her (after I told her to take her bitterness elsewhere and she sent me the article about not labelling women crazy) was:

"Hey, I'm sorry others label you. Just know, I don't do this. Hope you're alright"  followed by  "I thought you might be interested in this. I'm planning my Sth America trip and remembered you are too. Here's some cool options   (inserted link)"

But that got no response either.

Maybe because I brought about the labelling thing again.  She is fixed on the idea I label her, I think. And nothing I say will change it.

Feels like I have been struggling for a month to make my responses palatable for her

[123Phoebe]

Feels like I have been struggling for a month to make my responses palatable for her

Hmm, I wonder if you're trying too hard?  Too much emphasis on it, on her, on mental illness.  Not enough emphasis on being true to yourself?  Believing that your intentions were good and to kind of leave all of that other stuff alone for now; how she's perceived it, what she meant by it, wanting to make your point known and clear etc... .And just know it in your heart that you want a peaceful relationship with her, however it plays out

Start again from the old drawing board... .  Leaving the past behind.

Think something like this might work?  A new beginning?  She doesn't have to know a thing about all the cool new tools you're learning here   Simply put them into action

[Diana82]

That might be a good plan...

how do you make a new beginning with someone who has painted you black?

[HopefulDad]

Send a card because you want to wish her a Merry Christmas.  Do not send it to try and draw her back into communication.  Do not send it with hopes of "making peace".  Do not send it with any expectations on her response.

You have no control over her.  Be cool with that.

[123Phoebe]

how do you make a new beginning with someone who has painted you black?

You do have a point!  I know for certain that it won't be done by telling them that they've painted you black   I've tried it   Gawd, I've done it all.

Anyway... . Okay... .

Unfortunately, if she's not interested in resuming a relationship with you, there are no magic words or potions to change her mind.  It's something you'll have to accept, as hard as it may be.

I'm thinking though, since she has been in communication somewhat recently, that she might be open to the friendly Christmas wishes text that you mentioned earlier-- "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!  Hope you get everything you wish for!   ".

Just something cheery and thoughtful, not laden in emotions or heavy, ya know?

What do you think?

[Diana82]

Yes, not mentioning the past is easier said than done but I think it may be the only way to be on friendly terms.

Last time I spoke of the past with her was when I asked her why she had avoided and flaked on me completely after a small argument we had before I went to Europe. And then tells me she misses me when I get back. Valid question...

... that question started a war. She lectured me almost about how it's "perfectly normal" to kiss someone. She completely denied avoiding me.

But it feels like déjà vu. We had a fight again and she is avoiding me.

I definitely shouldn't bring up the fight unless I want to see her rage again. Sigh.

Out of interest, how do you go about asking a BPD person why they avoided you? Have u ever brought it up? And have u ever asked why they cut you off and then come back saying "miss u!" ?

If so, what kind if responses do u get?

It's hard to just forget someone avoids u. I felt terrible going to Europe knowing she made no time to see me... not even an hour! Yet she was off with others.

[Diana82]

Sorry let me rephrase this…

How do you deal with a BPD who has avoided you?  Do you avoid discussing the avoidance?   

Move on from it and talk of only the future?

I regret asking this girl why she said she misses me after avoiding me and flaking on me. It started the worst fight we have ever had.

I feel that if we did talk again... I can’t ever bring up even this recent silent treatment... cos she may rage again or even deny it. Tell me “I was busy! You seem to want all or nothing!”

She’ll make it out like I always want her attention

[Surnia]

Move on from it and talk of only the future?

Move on and make funny things together I would say. Discussing the past is a very successful way to damage a friendship or rs.

[123Phoebe]

Sorry let me rephrase this…

How do you deal with a BPD who has avoided you?  Do you avoid discussing the avoidance?   

Move on from it and talk of only the future?

I regret asking this girl why she said she misses me after avoiding me and flaking on me. It started the worst fight we have ever had.

I feel that if we did talk again... I can’t ever bring up even this recent silent treatment... cos she may rage again or even deny it. Tell me “I was busy! You seem to want all or nothing!”

She’ll make it out like I always want her attention

I've asked a lot of the same questions you're asking, Diana   I was so wrapped up in what he must be thinking and doing or wasn't doing and I wanted answers, dammit!  Answer me!  Omg.

I found out it stemmed from a control issue of my own .  Not intentionally trying to control him, but trying to control my surroundings so I wouldn't feel so gosh darn anxious about it all. 

This is a little personal, but wth... .  I grew up in a very dysfunctional home.  Mental illness, alcoholism, fighting, dissention etc... .  I had no idea the effects it had on me, until meeting the guy I'm with now.  I was living in a FOG.  And I wanted to change him, to suit me, my needs.  Shew, the unnecessary pressure I put on the guy... .

It took a lot of reflection and introspection to understand what I was doing (subconsciously), that I was playing a humongous role in our conflicts.  I was coming at him from a very lost and hurt angle; that of a little girl still fighting the good fight of wanting to have a peaceful household.

Deep stuff.  But necessary to understand!

I don't know what your back-story is or if it plays a role in your current or past relationships.  It might be worth looking into, though.  To spend the time and energy on yourself   To figure out what it is that draws you to this particular dynamic.

It's not so much that you can never talk about the bothersome behaviors with a pwBPD, it's more about building the foundation to be able to do so; if that makes sense?

So yea, send her a cheerful message and see where that leads you   Now might not be the right time to go heavy on the disorder, but to start building that bridge... .

[Diana82]

Hey

Interesting about our own dysfunctional families affecting us...

To he honest, I come from a family where fighting between my parents has been the norm. For as long as I can remember, my parents had intense arguments. But my mum tended to be the aggressive one... lashing out at my dad over small insignificant matters. She seemed to love and despise him. Their marriage seems loving but is full of dysfunction. My mum also seems to have abandonment issues. So I think I saw a lot of my mother in this recent date of mine!

I don't think I'm attracted to dysfunction. More than I am used to it.

It isn't a shock. Most of my friends tell me they would have run far far away from this girl ages ago. Although I've been astounded by her accusations and lash outs... she hasn't made me want to run. If anything, I feel like I get her. :/

[Diana82]

I don't want dysfunction... I don't seek it out. I want peace...

But when I find out my dates are a bit messed up or have some emotional issues... I don't run.

I guess it's the fixer mentality hey. I don't think I can fix this girl... but I feel like I can support her while she is getting fixed if u get me.

I feel like Im tolerant of people like this. Although she's caused me grief the past month