introducing S12 to new guy

[livednlearned]

It's been a year since I started dating new guy. I've been really, really careful with S12. I didn't hide new guy, but I did create a big moat around S12 so that access has been limited. I wanted to wait and see how things were, and I think it's ok to loosen up a little.

By loosen up, I mean doing stuff with new guy and S12. Things like: tomorrow night, I'm taking S12 to a family-friendly comedy improv night with his friend. The boys usually sit in the first few rows, whereas I like to sit in the back with all the other introverts.  I can see inviting new guy to come with me while the boys enjoy themselves.

I talked to S12 about this. A while ago, S12 blurted out that he didn't like the idea of new guy, and after some sleuthing, he said it was because he didn't like the idea of me dating. We worked through that ok, and can now joke about it. A week ago or so, he had a bump in his ear and I said, "New guy could look at it." New guy has medical training. S12 said, "NO WAY. I'd rather ask dad." My kid likes to make psychological analysis very easy for me.

I think I'm doing the right thing here by pushing forward with normalcy despite S12's resistance. I have said to him, "It's awkward, but it's normal awkward. And you don't need to like him, but I do want you to show respect, like saying hello and thank you." Which he does.

Anything else I should be thinking about? New guy has three kids, 19, 16, and 14. He's probably not someone that S12 is ever going to really bond with. S12 is a geek, has a very funny quirky sense of humor, and new guy is just... .well, not geeky.

I've made a point of spending time with S12, and he knows he's special to me. We spent my birthday having dinner together instead of me going out with new guy. Something S12 pointed out.

Any pointers on this from those of you who have done it would be great. I think it's partly S12's age -- he isn't a little kid who will just go with the flow. He has some opinions about stuff, so I'm trying to be sensitive to that.

Also, I have a suspicion that N/BPDx has had overt conversations about the loyalty bind stuff. He did that to my former step son, saying stuff like, "I need you to have my back. The family turned on me and they're all evil, blah blah blah." And my former step son did exactly that. Fortunately, I won him over with my sheer charm    but also, N/BPDx kinda idealized me back then and former step son was all for it.

[Matt]

Sounds to me like you're handling it well - letting it play out naturally, and not ignoring S12 or forcing new guy on him too much.

I wonder if new guy's kids, especially the 14-year-old, would be intriguing to S12?  Sometimes boys like to be accepted by older kids... .

[livednlearned]

Sounds to me like you're handling it well - letting it play out naturally, and not ignoring S12 or forcing new guy on him too much.

I wonder if new guy's kids, especially the 14-year-old, would be intriguing to S12?  Sometimes boys like to be accepted by older kids... .

Ahhhh. Validation. Thanks for the positive feedback. I seem to need it most when it comes to parenting.

New guy's 14-year-old has developmental delays. He's a great kid, but he does better with adults who seem to have more patience and understanding. S12 is pretty open to different kinds of people, but I think new guy's 14-year-old talks too much (like, incessant) for S12, who is pretty quiet. You have to have really good boundaries with new guy's son, and I predict he would drive S12 up the wall.

It's actually new guy's 16-year-old daughter who is most like S12. But the middle school - high school divide might be too intimidating for S12.

[Matt]

Yeah, I don't know if he would be comfortable around a girl four years older than him.  Or vice versa.

[livednlearned]

I brought up new guy with S12 again tonight. I didn't invite new guy to come tonight (he worked this weekend), but I mentioned it again to S12 on the way to pick up his friend.

I tried to validate him a few times, saying, "I know you feel awkward about having new guy in our lives, and I imagine it feels weird." And S12 just kept saying, "You DON'T know how I feel."

So I said, "True. I don't. Tell me what it's like."

S12 said if new guy comes out with us, then S12's friends will be curious, and ask questions, and that makes S12 feel uncomfortable. He doesn't want to talk about it with them because none of his friends have parents who are divorced.

We didn't get a chance to talk much more about it because we arrived at our destination. But I'm thinking about telling S12 that I'll talk to his friend's mom (S12 likes her) and tell her, Hey, I'm inviting new guy out with us, and S12 doesn't really want to talk about it. Maybe you could let your son know that my friend is coming out with us, and he's a good guy. He has 3 kids and S12 feels a bit awkward explaining who he is."

Sometimes I think maybe I'm almost being too gentle with this, that I should just invite new guy and let S12 work through it. But S12 is a sensitive kid, and ever since I started validating him, he has progressively become much more resilient.

It's one of those times when I can't tell if I'm being codependent-ish or not.

[Nope]

It's one of those times when I can't tell if I'm being codependent-ish or not.

I don't know about codependent-ish. I think this is just one of those hard situations that would be a whole lot easier if your son's father didn't have BPD and could at least relieve the loyalty bind by letting your son know it's OK to get to know the new guy. But you have to play the cards you were dealt. From what I am gathering from your son, doing this hang out thing in a public way is going to be awkward. Kids tend to think of people by their own relationship to them. I.e. "That's mom's boyfriend" vs. "That's (insert name here)". I think what I would do is give the two of them a chance to develop their own relationship. That way your son will stop seeing your guy just as a person you are trying to replace his father with but as someone he can have his own relationship with. They don't need to have a lot in common. New guy just needs to be willing to try.

I'm lucky I guess. My fiancé's kids are younger. Their mom is the BP and I'm sure she has all kinds of nasty things to say about me. I took D10 horseback riding and I took S9 to the arcade and played video games with him and I was in.   

[livednlearned]

It's one of those times when I can't tell if I'm being codependent-ish or not.

I don't know about codependent-ish. I think this is just one of those hard situations that would be a whole lot easier if your son's father didn't have BPD and could at least relieve the loyalty bind by letting your son know it's OK to get to know the new guy. But you have to play the cards you were dealt. From what I am gathering from your son, doing this hang out thing in a public way is going to be awkward. Kids tend to think of people by their own relationship to them. I.e. "That's mom's boyfriend" vs. "That's (insert name here)". I think what I would do is give the two of them a chance to develop their own relationship. That way your son will stop seeing your guy just as a person you are trying to replace his father with but as someone he can have his own relationship with. They don't need to have a lot in common. New guy just needs to be willing to try.

I'm lucky I guess. My fiancé's kids are younger. Their mom is the BP and I'm sure she has all kinds of nasty things to say about me. I took D10 horseback riding and I took S9 to the arcade and played video games with him and I was in.   

S12 and new guy playing video games together. That would work! Except new guy is not a computer guy at all, and I mean at all. I texted him an emoticon once and he didn't know what it was. Like, he didn't even know there was such a thing as emoticons. 

But I like the suggestion... .just need to think about something that they could do together. I'm thinking that because S is 12, it might not be as easy.