Feeling trapped and unheard

[bouchon226]

Hello to all!  

First and foremost, my thoughts go out to each of you for either supporting someone with BPD or personally struggling with the disorder.  

I am 2.5 years into a marriage with someone who has BPD.  While he has not been formally diagnosed, his therapist has mentioned it as a possible diagnosis and being that I have a degree in psychology, I'm 110% sure.  

It has been the longest 2.5 years of my life.  It is definitely hard to see someone you care about feeling so frustrated, confused, sad and totally afflicted.  Although, I feel that I have an obligation to my own well being and it has absolutely destroyed me.  I was thinking about what I would say if I joined the group and posted a message, and my first thought was to talk about what it's been like but I know most of you know.  Just a quick touch on the main points:  outbursts, false accusations and harassment over my honesty (I've never been dishonest in our marriage), mood swings (what I call cycles, as they happen regularly), will not take no for an answer, will not settle/quiet down when asked (ZERO control over emotions), fear of abandonment and rejection, and always sad about being a 'victim' in his childhood.  There are more, those are just the main points.

I have tried to tell him multiple times I really can not go on another day in this marriage.  He will not take no for an answer.  He asks me every day to go to counseling, which we've done on and off the whole time we've been together.  I feel like it's his crutch, like he's always looking to his therapist to make things better.  We have lived apart on several occasions because I could not handle his volatility and the tension and intensity in the house.  Right now he is staying with my dad.  I always find my sanity when he is gone.  Unfortunately, I am not in love with him any more.  I do care about him but all of outbursts, nasty words and actions, disappointments, sadness, and chaos is more than I could handle.  I have to be very careful how I go about being firm, as we are business partners and any unraveling of the business could turn my life upside down.

I guess I have nothing important to talk about - just need to vent about it and know there are people who understand.  Thanks for listening.  

<3

[Samuel S.]

I truly am very sorry you are dealing with someone who obviously had been very important to you, but has completely changed in order to have you feel so on guard with him now. Indeed, dealing with a man like yours can be a major challenge. To complicate matters, you are business partners. Under the circumstances, you need to ask yourself some questions. Are you willing to stay longer in your relationship when you don't love him? Also, are you willing to stay longer in your relationship for the sake of the business? If you do leave, can you regain your sense of self? If you do leave, can you make it on your own in terms of a brand new business? There are no easy answers, and I personally know how hard it is to make a change, especially when you are dealing with someone who is so volatile. I just wish we had never even gotten involved with these BPDs in the first place, thus making it easier to make it through this life. 

[bouchon226]

Hi Samuel,

Thank you for your reply and for listening    It is really challenging, far more challenging than I had ever imagined!  I saw a lot of these behaviors in him before we got married but at the time, I didn't have all of the information i needed to make the full assessment that he indeed is BPD.  Looking back, the signs were always there, as I'm sure they are with most everyone who gets into a relationship with a BPD.  I have realized recently that I have allowed his guilt trips to make me hang on and keep trying to trying instead of going with what I really want, which is to move on and be happy.  When I try to tell him, he says I never cared if I'm going to walk away 'so easily' (even after seeing him through almost 3 years of therapy, forgiving him for tons of stuff, and going to therapy myself to learn how to better deal with the situation).  He told me just last week that if I didn't come with him to his therapy appointment this coming week to talk about our relationship and how we can better communicate then I haven't tried everything.  So as you can see, week after week, if I don't go to therapy with him, he claims I have not tried.  I have had some quiet time to reflect since he is no longer living with me, he is staying with my dad for the time being.  His family is across the country (not that they'd be there any way, they are the very ones who have created this monster) and I do at least care enough to not kick him out on the stress so I allowed him to stay with my dad.  I have thought ALL DAY about the very thing you mention about doing the business alone and I'm organizing some options in my head.  The issue is that we have lots of online reviews, if we split the business, one person will take the reviews and one won't - there's no splitting them up.  Therefore, it's pretty complicated.  I'm all for continuing to be partners, discussing simple items by email or phone.  I guess this is because I am no longer emotionally invested and he is totally emotionally invested.  I am ready to walk away, I'm just trying to do it gracefully, as I don't want a nasty legal battle.  He can be quite vindictive when he doesn't get his way, I supposed that is another symptom….   

[bouchon226]

A little blurb I just wrote on another thread, thought it might be helpful here since it contains more details of what it's been like... .

Quote from: santa on Yesterday at 11:25:42 PM

I think BPD people are basically emotional black holes. No matter what emotions or feelings you put into it, it's just an empty vacuum.

My reply:

I couldn't have said it better.  I can remember the first year of our marriage thinking wow what am I doing, he is not capable of love, honesty, empathy, stability…   No matter what I give, it won't matter.  Mostly because his parents and childhood will never change, and he can not get over it.  Daily, I am told of how he is a victim and I have no idea what he's been through.  I was one day out of major surgery last year when he didn't like the tone I used when I asked for my medicine (since he decided to sleep in while I was up taking care of myself) so he told me that I have no idea what he went through growing up.  I wanted to smack him as I lying there in so much pain and he's telling me what he went through 30-40 years ago. 

He always says no one cares and does anything for him and he does stuff for everyone else...    So I planned a two week dream vacation for his 40th birthday to french wine country, but after a dozen or more of his outbursts prior to the trip, I didn't trust going with him.  He has already shown he doesn't know how to act on trips, even on our honeymoon, he acted like a total jerk to me and accused me of talking to some guy in the pool (I said Hi because it was a guy we had met at the bar the night before and I asked where his wife was).  One time on a plane when we were traveling for work, he had an outbursts and when I got embarrassed and put my head down to try to ignore him and make it go away, he started YELLING at me on the plane (in front of people) that I'd better listen to him and the longer I ignored him, the louder he was going to get.  So I cancelled the France trip out of fear that we would waste all that money while he acted like a jerk the whole time.  I came up with Plan B which was a beach cottage for a week.  Well, he only made it 4 days before he flipped out because I went out to read on the deck to get some peace and quiet, so he ripped up the card I gave him and THREW it in my face (the corner of the card cut me), and then when I tried to walk in the house to start packing my stuff (at this point I'm terrified of him), he grabbed my arms.  That was it for me.  I've been gracefully trying to exit since then.  No matter how many times I tell him it's over, he keeps saying I don't mean that even when I keep saying i DO mean that.  Just taking it day by day since we own a business together, I don't want to jeopardize any of that since it's my bread and butter.  But I'm getting to the point of who cares if I lose it all if it means not totally losing my sanity.

In addition:   On that same beach trip he insisted he buy me some earrings I saw that I wanted (I could have bought them myself, they were only $25 ).  I told him it was his birthday and I should be buying him something even though I had already given him a whole stack of gifts that morning but he still insisted.  So I graciously accepted and wore the earrings out to dinner that night.  That was back in September.  Just last week, he was verbally berating me as we rode in the car and he said - and no this is not a joke! - "You're such a brat, you get everything you want and no one will tell you no.  Even on MY birthday, I had to buy YOU earrings just to make you happy!"  hahahahaha.  Whatever buddy.  I know the truth of that story and so does my mom who was standing there when he insisted he wanted to buy them for me. 

[maxen]

amazing

harassment over my honesty (I've never been dishonest in our marriage)

my w left after a campaign of deceit, as she revealed on d-day. 6 weeks later we met. i pointed out to her that i'd never been dishonest with her, good or bad. "oh so you think you're on the moral high ground or something?"

so to be honest is to be acting morally superior.

[bouchon226]

Maxen,

Oh yes, I hear all the time that I think I'm better than everyone else and I make them feel dumb.  And in the next breath, I am so intelligent and am so nice to people.  Help, I'm confused !  Not really, I'm perfectly clear where I am, and that's the intelligent and nice side of his opinion