So tired and defeated

[Jodi_WG]

My older sister is uBPD.  Currently, we are are NC. I was on the 'good list' for about 18 hours, until I made the grave mistake of making a vague remark about struggles in my life (she's I crisis might now):   I didn't go into any detail whatsoever, because I know (and I told her) she's got enough on her plate.

The *moment* I mentioned anything remotely close to my issues, she got completely pissed and cut me back off again.

I'm just tired.  Tired and defeated.

I have PTSD from childhood major trauma and to have (another) person who should love me unconditionally just toss me aside at a moment's notice like a used Kleenex is just devastating.

How do you cope?

[Jodi_WG]

Excuse the poor typing.  It's late.  I meant "she's in crisis right now"

[SomebodyThatIUsedtoKnow]

Jodi, I empathize.  Right now I'm on the verge of tears as I type this because I, too, am so tired and frustrated.  uBPD mom has been on some kind of roll with the manipulation tactics lately and I just don't know how to handle this.  I am always her punching bag.  I just want things to be normal between us.  I want to be able to let my guard down around the person who gave me life without having to brace myself for the next blow.  But, that's not ever going to happen.

[Contradancer]

Unfortunately, you can't expect a BPD to act like a mentally stable family member.  I've learned through the years, and this site, that giving up that fantasy is a necessary survival skill. Hopefully, you have close friends to have emotional relationships with?

"Adopted" family can be healthier, and it's not a crime to have healthy relationships.

Best wishes.

[Sitara]

How do you cope?

I allow myself to feel sad sometimes.  I focus on healing myself and being a good wife/mother to my family.  I'm working on maintaining my friendships.  I changed my expectations as to what relationships are supposed to be (I used to have unrealistic ideas based on what I learned growing up).

I made the grave mistake of making a vague remark about struggles in my life

It's my mom that's BPD, and any time I would try to talk to her about problems, she'd turn it into a competition, so I understand.  No matter what I was going through, she had it worse.  It's very frustrating not being able to talk to your own mom about what's going on in your life.  There unfortunately isn't much of a relationship left anymore.

Hope you're feeling a little bit better today.

[P.F.Change]

I'm just tired.  Tired and defeated.

I have PTSD from childhood major trauma and to have (another) person who should love me unconditionally just toss me aside at a moment's notice like a used Kleenex is just devastating.

How do you cope?

Hi, Jodi_WG! 

I am sorry to hear you are feeling tired and defeated, but I also understand what that is like. My mother has BPD, and I have been treated for PTSD. I am glad you have found this community and are reaching out. We do know what it feels like.

The word that stands out to me most in your post above is the word "should." Is it possible that you have expectations for your sister that she is not capable of meeting? I read a workshop not long after I arrived here at bpdfamily that gave me a totally new perspective on my situation. I wonder if you might find it helpful, too. Here is the link: Radical Acceptance for family members

Someone with BPD will feel overwhelmed with his own feelings and find it difficult to help someone else. Many people with BPD struggle with empathy. Your sister may not be able to be supportive when you express your feelings, but that does not mean you do not deserve support. You might just need to look elsewhere for it. Are you currently working with a therapist for your PTSD? Would you like to share any of your struggles here?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Jodi_WG!  

It can be very tiring having a relative with BPD. My mother has BPD too, and like you and the others, I've felt tired and defeated.

PF has given you an excellent link, and I encourage you to learn about Radical Acceptance. It can help you understand your frustration and deal with it in a constructive way. Working with a therapist is also a very healthy thing to do for yourself.  

Sitara has a great point too: you need to feel empathy for yourself. It's also good to connect with others and work on your relationships with them.

There are some good short-term and long-term ways of coping. What have you tried so far?

[Jodi_WG]

I'm very sorry I've been MIA for a while.  Thank you soo much for the kind replies; they truly mean the world to me.

Currently, I'm just seeing a therapist once per week - and she even calls me randomly sometimes in between appointments, just to check on me.  Pretty great therapist, eh?  I feel very blessed to have found her.

She and I are working on Self Care and steps I can take to help care for my own needs, rather than fixating and being afraid of what my sister is thinking.

Everything is just so... .exhausting.  We were raised by our now-deceased grandparents from when I was 5 yrs old.   Our mom has been a part of our lives, loosely, for years now, though.  She's a total pill-head and definitely suffers from something (I don't know what, but we think bi-polar).

I feel so grateful for my husband and kids; they're what's *right* and *good* in my life.  Perfect?  Heck, no.  But right.

[GeekyGirl]

So glad to hear that you have some good support, Jodi_WG.   Working with a therapist will help--it sounds like you feel very comfortable with her, which is so important. Keep working at it, and you'll feel better in the long run.

Have you had a chance to check out the Radical Acceptance link that PF sent you? That can help give you a different perspective.

Hang in there. 

[Jodi_WG]

I'm going to do that right this moment.  Thank you so very much!   

[Blondy90]

Hi Jodi_WG,

I completely empathise with you. My younger sister has dBPD and she often makes me feel the same way. I have always felt I can't mention any hardship in my life because all I get from her is how much worse off she is and how I will never understand what it's like to have 'real' problems in my life. She makes me feel like I haven't properly experienced life and that as a result I can't possibly 'moan' about things because I have it easy.

Just know your problems are real and you have every right to feel down and unhappy about bad things in your life. I know I feel guilty for telling her things that have happened because I feel she is suffering more and I worry that she will spiral in to crisis. I have had to consistently be the strong one in the relationship and portray a happy, positive outlook on life to make her feel better which is difficult when you're depressed yourself.

Don't feel guilty, don't feel bad for having problems and recognise that you need support too. Don't feel guilty for the way she is feeling either. So glad you have found a great therapist. I hope they give you the help and support you deserve

[Jodi_WG]

Thanks Blondy.  I just don't get it.  All 4 of us kids grew up first with parents who completely neglected us, had substance abuse problems and lived in squalor.  All 4 of us were carted off at a moments notice to live with grandparents in another state when I was 5.  Those grandparents badly physically abused us.  Those grandparents horribly mentally broke us. We all suffered together.  We all kind of huddled together because we were the only 'constants' in one another's lives. 

Now, it's as if she's decided she had this happen to her and I wasn't even there.  In reality, I was the youngest and was left alone with all of that horror for years after everyone else left home.  I don't understand. 

We were abandoned by our parents.  Obviously our grandparents didn't find us worthy either.   And now, as grown ups, I feel as if I'm being abandoned all over again.

[GeekyGirl]

We were abandoned by our parents.  Obviously our grandparents didn't find us worthy either.   And now, as grown ups, I feel as if I'm being abandoned all over again.

That doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you, though, Jodi_WG. It means that there's something wrong with them.   Your sister doesn't necessarily not love you; in fact, some people with BPD give the silent treatment (BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment - verbal abuse.) to the people that matter the most in their lives.

[Blondy90]

I agree with GeekyGirl. Don't ever feel there was something wrong with you, it was them with the problem. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that.

My experience with my sister and BPD is that although she is terrified of rejection she is constantly pushing us away and doing things she knows will isolate herself from us and push our relationship to the limit. Sometimes I feel she is testing how much we actually love her. She is always remorseful afterwards and one thing she has always struggled with is the desperate need to be loved. I don't know if it's the same with your sister but I know mine has such low self esteem and self worth that she doesn't feel worthy to be loved. My hunch is she knows what you have been through but finds it hard to address as the nature of BPD is very selfish and they find it very difficult to step in to other people's shoes and see things from anyone else's perspective. I think BPD is a very lonely mental illness to have. Unfortunately my sister can never maintain a proper relationship and it might be the same for yours, even with family.

I completely understand why you feel abandoned but I don't think you should feel she doesn't love you. You have been through a hell of a lot and I think it's incredible that you've managed to piece your life back together and maintain a stable family. I truly take my hat off to you.

[Jodi_WG]

Thank you, my new friends.  You're right; she likely just gets this bad with me because she holds my relationship with her in a higher standard, in a twisted way.  At least that's what my therapist suggested this evening.

If she ever does show remorse, I've never seen it.  She can be colder than ice. 

I am ever thankful for the blessings I have fought to have in my life now.  I'm glad that God pointed me in the direction I'm going at the moment.

And I'm thankful to have found this place and all of you!