Feel like emailing her.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm sorry Eric... It doesn't make any sense to me because she is already with someone else. Kind of a moot point eh? I know how hard this is.

[Perfidy]

I'm sorry Eric... It doesn't make any sense to me because she is already with someone else. Kind of a moot point eh? I know how hard this is.

[Eric1]

I'm sorry Eric... It doesn't make any sense to me because she is already with someone else. Kind of a moot point eh? I know how hard this is.

Because she thinks that no matter what happens, she has me as a fall back.

[Naddred369]

.Let her think that eric.

Stay NC and you win!

Dont be a stop gap. Let her go.

Rooting for you mate. :-)

[Perfidy]

If you need to send it... Do. Ok... If you truley want to give her the message of not wanting to be her plan B then wait until she approaches you with that proposition. If and when she does tell her to pound sand. Don't bother telling her,show her. Did she bother telling you anything? Didn't she show you how little she cared when she moved on to the next convenient person? I can tell you with great certainty that this communication will not make you feel any better. That's what it's about... You feeling better.

[heartandwhole]

Feel the need to send this. I've changed spellings.

I shouldn't b doin this, but I've cleared my head & I agree with u. I just felt the need 2 tell u what's been on my mind. I always thought we were made 4 each other, which is what made all of this so difficult. I realise that isn't the case n e more. With the amount of doubt & constant change of feelings, it wouldn't work. And at the end of the day, we both deserve more than that. Part of me will always love you, but it's not healthy for me to b in love with u. I'm not naive to the fact that ur back with (name). That's the choice you have made, and it obviously makes you happy. so, I'm happy for u. I don't harbour any bad feelings towards u & I genuinely hope everything goes well for you. You don't need it, but good luck for next week.

Eric1,

To be honest, if I were your ex, I'd feel like I could come back to you after reading this.  It doesn't say that you are done, in any way. In my humble opinion, it's your own need to connect with her that is running the show.  I know about that myself.

You stated that you felt the need to send it.  You did.  Now what?

[Aussie0zborn]

Hi Eric. Who cares what she thinks? Does she care what you think about her finding a replacement so soon or how it might affect you?

Deal with it when it happens. All you need to do is not answer when it does. Then she will know for sure.

Any contact will be hurtful for you. My ex rang me at 1.00am. I hung up. She rang back twice.  I rang the police and asked them to see that she cease and desist. Would I like to know where her mind is at right now? No, but she was drunk and ripe for picking. Why didn't I take advantage of that? Because nothing she can say will help me, it can only cause further hurt and pain. 

Stear clear my friend. You don't owe her anything and what she owes you (eg: an apology) she will never give it to you. Cut your losses and move on with a clear head.

[Eric1]

Yeah, you're right. I think part of me is essentially doing it for to sole reason of contact as well. I feel that she thinks she's safe in the knowledge that I'll always be there, I don't want that to happen. And, if I'm brutally honest, If I hadn't of met anyone and she rocked up spouting the same as she always does, I'd fool for it. I'm more nuts than her!

[ucmeicu2]

Any contact will be hurtful for you. My ex rang me at 1.00am. I hung up. <cut> nothing she can say will help me, it can only cause further hurt and pain. 

Stear clear my friend. You don't owe her anything and what she owes you (eg: an apology) she will never give it to you. Cut your losses and move on with a clear head.

Aussie, your second paragraph, i disagree.  she MIGHT give him an apology, mine did... .who knows?  i can't tell the future.

but your first paragraph, i agree.  something i lost sight of w/my xBPDgf was to "always consider the source"... .so, ie, when a severely mentally ill person says something to me, ANYthing, how much stock can i put on it?  probably not much.

so, even tho she apologized repeatedly during the r/s for her behavior, i was still hurt by it.  and, even tho she wrote me a beautiful letter months after we broke up, and apologized and said she is "ashamed and guilt-ridden" for the way she "compromised me/us", well how beneficial is it for me to hear that?  considering it came from someone one degree shy of sheer lunacy?  not much.

and thats a damn shame.  what i wanted so badly, what i waited for so long, i finally got and i find it's basically meaningless.  i can find little to no solace or comfort in it.  i can't believe a word of it!  maybe it's true or maybe it's just more manipulation.  better to err on the side of caution, eh?

so, any one of you out there holding out, pining for an apology, i'm here to tell you it might just be over-rated.

[Pretty Woman]

It's amazing how we miss being treated like shyt.


Eric, please resist the urge. Nothing good will come of it.  You have to get her out of your system. We are addicted. Once she is out it will get better. It just takes time.

[State85]

In my opinion getting an apology, either in person or in a letter, from pwBPD is not sincere. I believe, in my case anyway, it is just a way to keep you hanging on a little bit longer. To keep you on a shelf or rolodex, until your number comes up again.  Remember, they crave attention, whether that attention is positive or negative... .

[fromheeltoheal]

In my opinion getting an apology, either in person or in a letter, from pwBPD is not sincere. I believe, in my case anyway, it is just a way to keep you hanging on a little bit longer. To keep you on a shelf or rolodex, until your number comes up again.  Remember, they crave attention, whether that attention is positive or negative... .

I agree that an apology is more about getting a response than sincerity, definitely true in my case.  Although since the core of borderline personality disorder is a fear of abandonment, it's not so much attention a borderline craves but an attachment, and you're right, a person being mad at you is still an emotional attachment, albeit a negative one; in a complete detachment we just don't care anymore and there is no emotional involvement, the worst pain possible for a borderline.

[emotionaholic]

Thank you Eric for this post.  I am in the exact dilemma as you and it has been helpful to read all of this.

I am resisting with all my strength to contact her after 6 months.  My T and I have had many discussions about my wanting to reach out to her.  She is in another relationship at the moment, which as you know hurts.  I also left it 6 months ago with a "I love you and will always be there for you."  I wish I had never given her that power and had just said "F you crazy."  The more I think about it though NC is simply best for each party.  If I do genuinely care for my ex and myself any sort of communication will simply keep things as they are.  No growth from either side.  The complete loss of someone truly special to my boarderline, me, maybe the catalyst for her to really seek help.  The addiction goes both ways.  If you give your ex her drug she will never heal.  Don't do it for yourself and for your ex.

[Pretty Woman]

Emotionaholic,

     Please do not feel bad about the last words that were said.

If they are with a replacement all is moot, and you really don't want her back anyways, right? You were nice about it. I wasn't.

So I made up for both of us, ok?

[Starlight607]

I was driving home from work today thinking about my ex BPD bf and thinking I should contact him as he has some of my belongings. I stopped myself as I have to agree with other posts here that the response will not be good.

I broke off contact having tried to be friends after our break up but it was pointless with him wanting to know all my plans and yet being elusive and carrying on his lies to me. 10 days ago I asked him to leave me alone. A week ago he asked to meet up as it nothing had happened. It is so bonkers! I asked him once again politely to leave me alone! His response "suit yourself!"

I am free of him, I am coming to terms with our whole roller coaster relationship and that he probably did not really care about me most of the time hence the callous cheating, harsh words, constant put downs, lies about me to his other women and empty promises to myself and my kids. I still feel sad so I know it still hurts but I do know NC is the best thing I can do. It is the hardest part recognising those with BPD do not think as others do. You keep thinking surely they must see things as you do?

Hang in there and don't e mail. I must not either. We will only be disappointed - again!

Good luck

Starlight607

[Aw511]

If you truley want to give her the message of not wanting to be her plan B then wait until she approaches you with that proposition. If and when she does tell her to pound sand. 

yes. yes. yes.