Probable cheating going on... I need to get out..help

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am 99% sure that my BPDBF is having, at the least, an emotional affair and perhaps something more... .I started noticing 3 weeks ago some major changes... the big red flag was that he was logging in and out of FB (green chat light going on and off) every 2-3 minutes for long periods of time-and that is unusual as he has only a handful of friends. I would notice during these times, he would take awhile to respond to me, etc... I am assuming he is messaging someone via FB based on these patterns. I am pretty sure it is 1 of 2 girls... possibly both and they are both married or in a relationship, hence the secretiveness... .one of them I noticed he had a message string with but they are not friends... .another red flag. I can also see that when he messages on FB... he deletes the messages after sending with certain people   I noticed him taking his phone to the bathroom (and I would check to see if he was logging in, and he was), turning his phone upside down so the screen wasn't showing, etc... He has very obviously emotionally withdrawn from me... our sex life isn't as active (although I am fairly certain that he hasn't physically cheated... yet) and there is a major disconnect.  He is also doing things out of character-being over the top loving/affectionate after these FB sessions, bathroom phone sessions, etc... buying me excessive things... new.  I wish I had a way to prove this as I need to see it.  Ideas?

I really need to get out of this relationship. I posted here before about all of the bad things... this is the icing on the cake. I am so hurt... He is putting on this great show like all is fine, but its not... I can see what I see and I can feel the disconnect.

[sadinnc98]

I am 99% sure that my BPDBF is having, at the least, an emotional affair and perhaps something more... .I started noticing 3 weeks ago some major changes... the big red flag was that he was logging in and out of FB (green chat light going on and off) every 2-3 minutes for long periods of time-and that is unusual as he has only a handful of friends. I would notice during these times, he would take awhile to respond to me, etc... I am assuming he is messaging someone via FB based on these patterns. I am pretty sure it is 1 of 2 girls... possibly both and they are both married or in a relationship, hence the secretiveness... .one of them I noticed he had a message string with but they are not friends... .another red flag. I can also see that when he messages on FB... he deletes the messages after sending with certain people   I noticed him taking his phone to the bathroom (and I would check to see if he was logging in, and he was), turning his phone upside down so the screen wasn't showing, etc... He has very obviously emotionally withdrawn from me... our sex life isn't as active (although I am fairly certain that he hasn't physically cheated... yet) and there is a major disconnect.  He is also doing things out of character-being over the top loving/affectionate after these FB sessions, bathroom phone sessions, etc... buying me excessive things... new.  I wish I had a way to prove this as I need to see it.  Ideas?

I really need to get out of this relationship. I posted here before about all of the bad things... this is the icing on the cake. I am so hurt... He is putting on this great show like all is fine, but its not... I can see what I see and I can feel the disconnect.

[Moonie75]

Your gut instinct is telling you this looks like cheating. Obviously none of us here can know with certainty, but, when our gut talks to us we usually live to regret not listening.


When it's time to turn detective, it's time to leave!

[sadinnc98]

I just *know* that is what is going on... .it just truly breaks my heart. What do I do? Do I confront him?  :'(

[Ironmanrises]

Your only real and logical course of action(although hard as hell to accomplish given the circumstances) is to get the hell out of there. I am really sorry you are experiencing that. I witnessed similar activity on my exUBPDgf FB in round 2 of devaluation. Did she cheat/have a replacement? Unknown. Is yours doing that? Unknown. What followed in the wake of this activity for me? Silent treatment/LC. And than discard.

[Moonie75]

I see a few options to chew on... .

1... .Don't confront him, let him have his cake & eat it.

Or leave.

2... .Do confront him, believe the lies, let home have his cake & eat it.

Or leave.

3... .Do confront him, he admits everything, blames you & you stay with a very 'honest cheater'.

Or leave.

[Moonie75]

There's no nice & easy way to live with a cheater!

And there's no nice & easy way to leave one!

This will be a hard situation to navigate through & come out the other side. Staying or leaving will both be very hard.

Someone told me once "staying with a liar makes you a liar too... .And the worse of the two because you're lying to yourself!"

[sadinnc98]

Your only real and logical course of action(although hard as hell to accomplish given the circumstances) is to get the hell out of there. I am really sorry you are experiencing that. I witnessed similar activity on my exUBPDgf FB in round 2 of devaluation. Did she cheat/have a replacement? Unknown. Is yours doing that? Unknown. What followed in the wake of this activity for me? Silent treatment/LC. And than discard.

I think that the discard is coming next... .probably waiting till Christmas is past so he doesn't look totally evil... .he had mentioned a post-XMas trip that is not happening, etc... pulling away...   Its amazing, the girl that I am 99% sure it is... .she is the complete and total opposite of me... Blows my mind as for what he said he has always looked for in a woman. She knows too that we are together... .

[sadinnc98]

There's no nice & easy way to live with a cheater!

And there's no nice & easy way to leave one!

This will be a hard situation to navigate through & come out the other side. Staying or leaving will both be very hard.

Someone told me once "staying with a liar makes you a liar too... .And the worse of the two because you're lying to yourself!"

Its crazy because my brain is trying SO HARD to bury what is obviously right in front of my face... I am in denial... I don't want to believe its true... but I know without a doubt, that it is.  There is absolutely no good outcome and I am going to end up very hurt (not that I am not already hurt)

[BeHappyAgain]

Our bodies sometimes 'know' what our minds don't want to contemplate.

I've certainly had that before.

You didn;t cause this just remember that when the blame shifting starts.

Equally theres not much point arguing [cos your aguing with a hurt 3yr old].

I was dumped on Christmas day last year [posted here about it].

I've done well got 99% over her actually - but I've also allowed myself to be recycled twice this year.

Distancing and arguing has started again and my body 'knows' that she's probably going to dynamite things again.

She came back in Sept [eating humble pie] and against my better judgement I let her back in my life.

3months is long enough to get vunerable again.

Doh !

Oh well.

I'm about to watch Ironman on film4 at 9pm [uk].

Never seen any of these films before - so I'll watch it on 'omage' to one of the regular posters here.

Strength and peace to you 98   

[karma_gal]

Your gut instinct is telling you this looks like cheating. Obviously none of us here can know with certainty, but, when our gut talks to us we usually live to regret not listening.


When it's time to turn detective, it's time to leave!

I had someone say this to me last year when I was in a similar situation to OP, and I wish I had listened then.  It's weird how this is so true, but it speaks volumes to the fact that once things get to this stage, there is likely zero trust left, and without trust, there is no relationship.

[Ironmanrises]

Your only real and logical course of action(although hard as hell to accomplish given the circumstances) is to get the hell out of there. I am really sorry you are experiencing that. I witnessed similar activity on my exUBPDgf FB in round 2 of devaluation. Did she cheat/have a replacement? Unknown. Is yours doing that? Unknown. What followed in the wake of this activity for me? Silent treatment/LC. And than discard.

I think that the discard is coming next... .probably waiting till Christmas is past so he doesn't look totally evil... .he had mentioned a post-XMas trip that is not happening, etc... pulling away...  Its amazing, the girl that I am 99% sure it is... .she is the complete and total opposite of me... Blows my mind as for what he said he has always looked for in a woman. She knows too that we are together... .

I hate people like that. My exUBPDgf had guys like that around her too. The orbiter's. Always sniffing around the edges of the relationship, always waiting for the slightest opening, weakness shown, etc to jump right in. If he did/does cheat on you with her, she will experience what you went through once closeness is triggered. And she will encounter what you experienced. Bet your bottom dollar on that. I know that is of little consolation though.   Hang in there.

[Ironmanrises]

Oh well.

I'm about to watch Ironman on film4 at 9pm [uk].

Never seen any of these films before - so I'll watch it on 'omage' to one of the regular posters here.

Strength and peace to you 98   

Apologies for my thread jack Sadinnc98. The first one was really good, second was ok, third one, not that good.

[Jbt857]

Saddin,

If it looks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck... .

I caught my BPDexh cheating online in our marriage. I had that same gut feel. After a few days, I managed to hack his computer (working in technology helps) and found a fake fb profile. He'd deleted everything in his inbox and denied it. Only one undeleted sent message gave me the evidence, but right to that very moment, he was swearing and pleading his innocence to me.

But if it's to a point where you even feel the need to check... .Leave. That's no life.

My family and his persuaded us to reconcile. I wasted another 4 years of my life on a serial lair and cheater as a result. Don't make the same mistake.

Hugs. 

[Monarch Butterfly]

Sadinnc98,

   I am so sorry. I had the same gut feeling. Proving it was a huge task because he was such a good liar. I even found a webpage up and he said it was advertisement. Pop-up. Yeah right... .I mean, hello! Even with proof there was no arguing with him. The emotional distance, the sexual negligence, the turning off the computer quickly... .everything.

   Nothing stuck. Even with proof he denied it all. Even to this day. Well, once he admitted that he did stuff he shouldn't have... .stuff. That's as close as I came to hearing a sorry.

   When I had that gut feeling I checked the computer daily. I looked on youtube to try to find out how to see deleted history. I read books on how to hack. I forgot to eat. I got the kids late to school a whole week. I hardly took a bath. I couldn't function. Burnt every meal I made.

   Trying to prove his computer cheating - it emotionally destroyed me. Either I trust him, or I don't. And I didn't, still don't.

That is no way to live. It's constant agony. Until one day I just gave up - if I have to live like this, every morning running to the computer as soon as he goes to work, its not worth it. He still lies to this day - and he's a good liar. An excellent one.

   

   So my two cents are that even if you find something, he'll not live up to it. And it's an argument you can't win anyway - proof or no proof.

If a bird wants to fly, open the cage. And find another bird.

Hope you can find some peace in all this turmoil.

[Perfidy]

Do what one of my ex's did. She thought I was cheating on her. (I have never cheated on any of my ladies)-----> Self respect=ability to respect others. You gotta respect yourself first, right? Ok... She thought I was cheating. I got home. The cops were there. Asked me to spend the night elsewhere. There was no violence. not even an argument, only her suspicion. I came back the next day, packed my things from my own place. Left her and didn't speak to her again. I'm smart. I don't need that kind of trouble. Not for a relationship. I have a motto. If the cops are there I'm gone. There was no warning. Just WHAM! Cops. I gotta say... .I got over that relationship FAST. It's an option.

[sadinnc98]

I am pretty sure this girl is committed to someone else as well... .and its all on the down low.

I have decided that when he gets back in town I am going to say: ""I know you have been have "at least" an emotional affair with another woman"... .I cannot sit idly by and be a party to this type of relationship."  Hand him my key, unfriend him on FB before he even gets a chance... .and leave.


This is going to be so scary but it has to be done and it will be the first time I have ever broken up. I know he will probably get mad, lie, etc... but oh well... .I can't do this anymore.  :'( :'(

[sadinnc98]

This is an example of what goes on all day and night... .

8:53 I text him Good Morning (99% of days he texts me good morning, today he did not)

8:56 he gets on FB, then logs off

9:00 he gets on FB, then logs off

9:03 he gets on FB, then logs off

9:05 I text him and say "Are you ok? Have I done something?"

9:06 he gets on FB, then logs off

9:10 He finally responds "Huh? I didn't want to say good morning and wake you up... I don't have my phone when I am with the kids either" (obviously this is a lie bc I can see on FB that he is online with his phone... its all BS)

9:11 he gets on FB and logs off

Its very obvious he is messaging with someone on there and ignoring me. The same pattern happened last night after he told me he was in bed going to sleep at 9:30... saw the same stuff going on with FB from 9:30-10:15 and he is totally disconnected from me

[Perfidy]

SINC... .Sounds like you have made a decision. You just need to follow through with it. After all, you are on the leaving board. A pre-emptive dumping on your part WILL lessen your pain exponentially. You will have support. You really don't owe him much explanation. If you think anger could be a factor just pack up and leave when he's gone. Give him a short and to the point good bye. Good luck. Take care of yourself.

[Waifed]

I just *know* that is what is going on... .it just truly breaks my heart. What do I do? Do I confront him?  :'(

You leave him. Even if he isn't cheating, he has done things in the past to question his trust.   My gut feeling was dead on.  Yours probably is too.