I mentioned BPD to him and got an explosive response...

[janey62]

I'm annoyed with myself because I mentioned to him that I'd been researching some support for myself and came across this BPD thing and wondered whether some of the symptoms might fit him.  He listened for a while and then exploded and accused me of labelling him (fair I suppose) and tried to say that the stress of the past few months has cause his problems and that he has never had this happen in a relationship before so it must be me!

What an idiot I am!  Why can't I keep quiet?  I thought because he was calm and seemed ok again that I could talk to him - we've often talked before about what is wrong and how to get him help.

Anyway, he's gone again now, for how long I will have to see.  I expect the first barrage of abusive texts any minute... .  :'(

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Vindi]

HI jANEY62, you did what you thought was right not  knowing he would explode.

there is a section on here about the *do's and don'ts in making the relationship work* you should check it out or maybe someone can show you the link to get there.

Breath deep, and know you said what you had to and wanted to, in a calm manner, hoping your guy collects his thoughts in a calm manner and you can talk things over down the road.

[janey62]

It was stupid and now I'm alone again and feel terrible.  I feel terrible most of the time and lost and can't stop crying and aching... . 

He just walks out and is gone for days and I'm alone here, don't have friends or family around me and can't see an end to this torment. 

[hergestridge]

Had you told him before that you found his behaviour difficult to deal with or problematic in some way? Or did he think that all was fine and then you suggested he had BPD?

[janey62]

He knows his behaviour is erratic, we've talked about it a lot.  He took medical retirement with a diagnosis of severe depression, anxiety and panic disorders and has seen two psychiatrists but neither of them have had the full picture, probably because he's not been in an episode and always says that he gets support from me even though he makes it hard for me.   

I think he's in some denial, when well, about the relationship problems.  He says 'we' have our problems and arguments, not owning that I generally am passive and he verbally attacks and leaves me. 

Afterwards, when he comes back, he does see it and that's usually when we talk about what we will do and he is able to see the whole picture.  He shows a lot of remorse then and shame then too and I worry that its all part of the cycle because I think it overwhelms him and is the cause of the next episode. 

I found a counsellor who is also a community psychiatric nurse and has experience of working with BPD and is trained in DBT and suggested her to him and he was open to that and read her resume, yesterday, then I went too far feeling open and trusting (my usual failing) and gently mentioned that I'd done some reading and found a support group for myself.  With hindsight I shouldn't have then spoken about some of his symptoms being like BPD.  I did say it in context that DBT has been clinically trialled and has a lot of success treating it.  But he got angry and left.

He is high functioning and very loving and kind to me when he's not in an episode and I do think he really wants to get help.  He is already saying he's sorry and I think will probably go and see the counsellor.  I suggested we go together the first time if all agree to it and he said he wanted that. 

Jane

[an0ught]

Hi janey62,

it is certainly not recommended to spring an unofficial diagnose on someone. In any case whether done by a professional or someone else such feedback can be highly upsetting. But then many things are very upsetting, others have it happen to them as well and it is not the end of the world. You can't undo what you have done but it sounds like you are on your way to mitigate. BPD is an established label to describe a host of behaviors, symptoms and causes. Often for us it is better to focus on the emotional part - being very emotional, quick changing emotions etc. - when addressing it with the pwBPD as it is at the core and it is less judgemental. Yes there are relationship problems - but focusing too much on the problems can be invalidating - one of the reasons marriage counseling is not working out well in cases of BPD (see here - you may want to review it before your nurse visit).

Hang in, this is a big crisis   but there is light at the end of the tunnel,

a0

[Nonamouse]

Janey62 - My dBPDw sounds very similar to your SO. She is verbally abusive, angry, lots of angry texts... .then sorry and lucid and wants to improve.

Don't beat yourself up about telling him your suspicions. I did the same thing. Hers was pretty much the textbook response they say to expect if you tell them your suspicions - she accused me of having BPD and said I should go to the doctor. Very angry tirades. Expect it to come up on a recurring basis for a while - it may not, but prepare yourself and rehearse SET and validation.

In the end, it may work out for you. My wife has gotten past the diagnosis, gone to a real DBT counselor and gotten an official diagnosis and started working through it. Only in the angriest episodes does she deny it anymore. We've had some major setbacks lately with her behavior, mostly around the holiday stress and alcohol, but I think we're moving in the right direction.

Cut yourself some slack, there's no such thing as perfect when BPD is involved.

[Cloudy Days]

When I tried to introduce my husband to the Idea of BPD I found a website that actually just listed the symptoms and I showed him the site. It basically asked if he did certain things or felt a certain way. It didn't say anything about BPD, then it suggested DBT therapy to help if they did show those symptoms. He actually had 8 out of the 9 symptoms it listed. He was blown away and not angry at all!  Then after going to therapy he actually looked up on YouTube some people who actually suffer from BPD and they basically describe how they feel, which is exactly how he feels. It's how he accepted his diagnosis of BPD. From then on it was like a light bulb went on in his head. He still has his moments where he blames everything on me but we can now have a serious talk about why he does what he does. We are even seeing the same therapist, she gets him and she gets me too because she knows what I am living with from day to day.

We actually had a talk about why he thinks I don't love him yesterday. His therapist told me that in his mind he is so unlovable and he feels so unwanted that when he hears me say I love you, that means either I am lying (he's called me a liar many times over this) or that I am crazy (I suppose I am a little crazy... .) But he pretty much said yea, that makes a lot of sense.  I don't know if any of this was helpful but I think showing him symptoms or having the doctor show him symptoms might make him accept the therapy without the diagnosis.

I'm not suggesting you use this site, I just wanted to show you an example of what I was talking about. This one is a little more detailed than the one I used. But it basically says is DBT right for you. 

www.jessicagranertherapy.com/is-dbt-right-for-you/

[AnitaL]

janey62, I so understand the drive to want to help him find the help he needs.  Sorry you're having to deal with the fallout of your good intentions.     I am struggling with this too for my uBPDh.   I'm going to check out the site CloudyDays posted -- that could be a helpful tool if it doesn't mention BPD outright.

[janey62]

Thanks Nonamouse, an0ught and Cloudy Days for your kind and helpful words.

It does give me some hope. 

He's been calm again and has only thrown it at me in a jokey kind of a way over the past few days, I've tried to play it down and we've talked about how much we want to work on and save our relationship and had a couple of good days. 

Anyway,  I have found a therapist who is experienced at working with BPD and is a DBT practitioner.  We are going together to see her next week at his suggestion and I am hopeful that there may be some way forward for us.  I agree with you all about approaching it sideways, treating the symptoms without identifying the cause as such.  Hope this works!

I feel that if I had my boundaries in place and he worked on himself we could stay together.  We do have conversations a bit like the ones you describe Cloudy, where he is able to talk rationally to me about how he feels.  He seems so vulnerable sometimes that I just want to love and protect him, but first I need to learn to do that for myself.  I feel partly responsible because I've allowed him to kick me around emotionally, thus enabling his illness and behaviour. 

Hope springs eternal eh? 

[janey62]

... . and Hey AnitaL,  hugs to you too 

I get so frustrated because he's been to two Consultant Psychiatrists who've both missed his BPD symptoms because they've taken what he says and understands about our relationship on good faith.  He tells them that he gives me a hard time, that I am very supportive and he's lucky to have me.

Bless... .

xx