i think my npd father may have 'gaslighted' my deceased BPD mother

[Calm Waters]

This is realy difficult, my mother died a couple of days ago and I have been going through her diaries. She was disabled crippled in fact with rheumatoid arthritis profoundly deaf doubly incontinent at the end of course BPD. My NPD father gave up work a few months ago at 91 as he is losing his ability to work. In the last few months my mother has deteriorated rapidly and despite our protests they both refused help until it was too late. Going through mums diaries she has been left on her own all day long to cope my dad going to work and not helping her dress or toilet, she was clearly extremely lonely isolated in pain and distress, her diaries slowly peter out so in 2013 there were no entries at all, in previous years there were notes of birthdays family events etc but in 2013 absolutely nothing. She died 2 days ago having effectively committed suicide by refusing to eat. My fathers behaviour whilst she was dying and since has been frankly callous and cavalier apart from a few tears. I think he may have hidden letters from gp and other medical staff and i know he refused to let social workers in a few months ago when the gp alerted them. He is at the very least guiltly of gross neglect and at worst may have contributed to her early death. The coroner is not happy with the GP explanation as there was no underlying illness. I am considering requesting a post mortem and I am requesting medical records explanations from gp and NHS to discover how my mother died within 6 weeks of social services finally discovering the truth of the condition she and my father were hiding from me and my brother who visited every week. My brother had countless arguments with my father about my mothers condition but gave up. Anyone have a similar experience?

[chayka]

So sorry to hear what you're going through.  This sounds like an incredibly painful situation.

I haven't experienced anything as extreme as that, but my mum verbally abused my dad for the last few years of his life, after he'd had a stroke - though she cared for him well on a physical level. It was really ghastly to witness, and now she talks about things as though she and my dad were very happy together! 

I contemplated calling social services or an elder abuse line, but I didn't know about my mum's uBPD at the time, so had no handle to grasp the situation, and I knew that my dad would deny that there was a problem anyway, as he was totally under her control in the end.

It must be a tough call about whether to request a post mortem. I guess you have to weigh up whether you and your brother will feel better about things in the long-run if you do.

Chayka