Newbie, BPD daughter

[Arbre710]

Just want to introduce myself as a newbie.  Posted my intro on New Members two days ago. 

My 19 year old adopted daughter has been on the street by choice for two years.  She married a man 10 years older than her after having his baby in March.  He is autistic and on disability.  They have a trauma bond, as his mom OD'd on drugs and was found dead, and my DD's mom was an addict, prostituting for drug money, murdered when she was eight, at which time her and her sister were taken into social services care.  I really like her husband, he is honest and sweet-natured.  On the other hand, my DD is playing the heck out of him, as we know BPD's to do.  We have had brief conversations, when I tell him that DD doesn't mean to hurt others but can't help herself because of her past.  I believe that this man is her guardian angel, as he loves her and feels responsible for her.  A woman they met in the Laundromat where they used to live took them in, and they stay with her several days at a time.  She has also taken in numerous cats and dogs... .

I am here to learn how to have a healthy relationship with my DD.  This site is a goldmine of information, and I look forward to studying it as I have time.  Boundary issues will continue to come up with DD.  She is not allowed in my house, even to visit, as the last time I let her and the husband stay here, she robbed me of all my good jewelry before running off without warning.  Occasionally she asks to come back home, and I respond with "That never worked out too well, no, not a good idea."   Husband says that she sometimes cries at night saying that she misses me so much. 

I promised her when I first met her that I would always be there for her.  She has always kept in touch with me.  My biggest fear is that she would become drug addicted as her mom did, or that she would disappear from the street.  I do feel somehow responsible for the baby, too. 

Good enough intro for now 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, Arbre710 & 

As a fellow parent of an adult (36) son with BPD, I can tell you that you are in the right place! Many of us have stories similar to yours, and we are all trying to understand our children and learn how to deal with them and their situations better. I'm glad you found us!

It's got to be tough watching your daughter's lifestyle and worrying about your grandchild... . lots of times we can come to an acceptance of our adult child's decisions for themselves, but ache with fear and concern for our grandchildren. Your grandchild is only 10-11 months old? How are your daughter and her husband as parents? Since both of them have diagnoses, are they receiving any therapies or treatments? Is your daughter also on some sort of disability? Do you think she would seek help for her troubles?

You are right that there are lots of educational materials here that will truly be a life saver for you; if you haven't done it yet, check out the many TOOLS and THE LESSONS to the right hand side of the margin and read, read, read! And if you have any questions please ask all you can... . The more you post your story and ask your questions, the more you will find guidance, support and insights. There's hope for a better relationship with your daughter, Arbre710... . We're so glad you are here 

[Bracken]

Hi Arbre

I just wanted to offer you another welcome.

I can hardly imagine the difficult and heart-wrenching situation with your adopted D. And am humbled by your courage and compassion.

Hope this Forum will be helpful for you - and am sure that you can help others here too - 

[Arbre710]

Thank you for the welcome, Rapt Reader and Bracken.  I am very glad to be here.

In response to your questions, R Reader, neither DD nor her husband seek help or want it with their problems.  Since DD had the baby she is in regular contact with a physician, who suggested that she get psychiatric help.  Her response is always "I'm not crazy!" They argue a lot, and the husband says she yells and screams.  Our ex-social worker who still keeps in contact with DD finally managed to get her on government assistance. The woman who took them in is bringing them to her church, a marginal cult-like one, and DD is learning the Bible while her husband is trying to learn to read.  Their situation is not ideal, but could be so much worse.  I am grateful that DD stays in touch.  Tonight she asked me for directions to an ear-nose-throat physician referral for the baby since he needs tubes in his ears.  I am a teacher, and don't you know I am surely watching that baby closely for any sign of stress!  I've mentioned parenting classes to DD in the past, and do wish that she would pursue it.  I know that she would enjoy them.

[BioAdoptMom3]

  from a fellow mom of an adopted child with BPD (age 14) and a teacher, happily retired as of this past June  !  I agree that you have come to the right place for support.  This board has been like therapy for me and I am pretty sure you will find that to be true as well!  We are sorry you feel the need to be here, but so glad you found us!