How to Support My Partner When She is in a "Bad Place"

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi Everyone , 

My partner (girlfriend, lesbian relationship, friends for 4 years and now together for 4+ months) has BPD which was mostly controlled with medication. She was on a medication and when they upped the dose (as the lower dose didn't seem sufficient) she slowly started having allergic reactions immediately after taking them, but only every couple of days. So we thought maybe it was a reaction when taken with certain foods so we started cutting out things such as whey powder, wheat grass, wheat etc. Then it started getting closer together and more severe until she ended up in hospital with an anaphylactic reaction. They took her off that medication but she couldn't start taking the new one until a couple of days after being taken off the old ones, so she went through a couple of days of withdrawals but did very well in getting through it and it wasn't as 'bad' as I thought it would be. I was very proud! She stayed mostly positive and was "looking forward to starting the new medication so she could feel better again".

Now she has only been on the new one for about 1-2 weeks, but it doesn't seem strong enough and she can't get into her doctor for another week. She has had a couple of days of 'bad thoughts' and her head being in a 'bad place' and said that her head has started its obsessive thoughts cycle of wanting to self harm (but never commit suicide!). When she is feeling like this she gets more distant in her communications, easily cranky or angered, and not anything like the person she is when she is on medication and feeling well. I know she can't help it so I am trying my very best to be calm and have positive communications.

I feel so helpless because I want to be able to help and make it better but I know I can't, and just being there for her during this rough period is what I need to do. I also worry because she doesn't want me to 'baby her' and take on her emotions, but I just can't help it. I love her so dearly and hate it when she is in mental anguish. I'm trying my best to make sure she is safe and okay, but as we don't live together and I work full time, there is only so much I can do. Trying to keep the lines of communication as open as I can and let her know I am there for her if she needs me. Also does anyone have any advice on not taking on their distant-ness personally? I try to remind myself that she doesn't mean it and its just because she is in a bad place, but sometimes its very hard not to take it somewhat personally (I have been diagnosed with anxiety which doesn't help).

Is there anything I can do specifically that can try to get us through this brief period as smoothly as possible? I am definitely willing and open to taking on any advice that anyone can give.   Thank you in advance.

Islingtongirl.

[islingtongirl]

Hi Everyone , 

My partner (girlfriend, lesbian relationship, friends for 4 years and now together for 4+ months) has BPD which was mostly controlled with medication. She was on a medication and when they upped the dose (as the lower dose didn't seem sufficient) she slowly started having allergic reactions immediately after taking them, but only every couple of days. So we thought maybe it was a reaction when taken with certain foods so we started cutting out things such as whey powder, wheat grass, wheat etc. Then it started getting closer together and more severe until she ended up in hospital with an anaphylactic reaction. They took her off that medication but she couldn't start taking the new one until a couple of days after being taken off the old ones, so she went through a couple of days of withdrawals but did very well in getting through it and it wasn't as 'bad' as I thought it would be. I was very proud! She stayed mostly positive and was "looking forward to starting the new medication so she could feel better again".

Now she has only been on the new one for about 1-2 weeks, but it doesn't seem strong enough and she can't get into her doctor for another week. She has had a couple of days of 'bad thoughts' and her head being in a 'bad place' and said that her head has started its obsessive thoughts cycle of wanting to self harm (but never commit suicide!). When she is feeling like this she gets more distant in her communications, easily cranky or angered, and not anything like the person she is when she is on medication and feeling well. I know she can't help it so I am trying my very best to be calm and have positive communications.

I feel so helpless because I want to be able to help and make it better but I know I can't, and just being there for her during this rough period is what I need to do. I also worry because she doesn't want me to 'baby her' and take on her emotions, but I just can't help it. I love her so dearly and hate it when she is in mental anguish. I'm trying my best to make sure she is safe and okay, but as we don't live together and I work full time, there is only so much I can do. Trying to keep the lines of communication as open as I can and let her know I am there for her if she needs me. Also does anyone have any advice on not taking on their distant-ness personally? I try to remind myself that she doesn't mean it and its just because she is in a bad place, but sometimes its very hard not to take it somewhat personally (I have been diagnosed with anxiety which doesn't help).

Is there anything I can do specifically that can try to get us through this brief period as smoothly as possible? I am definitely willing and open to taking on any advice that anyone can give.   Thank you in advance.

Islingtongirl.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[krazyblue]

It's not easy to deal with their process. My wife and I have been married 11yrs (legally since Nov.5, 2013  ) but it her behavior has ranged from heart-wrenching hopelessness to brutal verbal attacks. I'm fortunate that she had stopped self-harming before we got together but she still has meltdowns when she get into the hopelessness and she feels doomed to a life of pain that she doesn't know if take any more of.  I still left heartbroken and speechless at those times.  Things have gotten better now that I understand the disorder better and how to deal with the emotional times. 

I've also been trying to accept the importance of taking care of myself. I feel stronger and more centered when I do that.  People use the example about putting the oxygen mask on yourself first before helping someone else on the airplane. I try to take the time to work on that when she feel like pulling away to deal with her process.  She will still come to me sometimes when her emotions are too much and she needs support. The readings on this site and the ones in the books have been very helpful in managing those times better (Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder and Stop Walking on Eggshells). I don't take on as much.  Don't get me wrong, it is still awful to watch her suffer. 

I am still new to not completely trying to care-take her while sacrificing every once of energy I have in me.  I had to change the with I was dealing with things.  My enabling wasn't really helping her get better.  Also, my anxiety and depression got so bad that I began to fear for my own sanity.  I lucky that I found resources like this site, good books, and a skilled therapist to help me toward better health for me and her as well.  It isn't easy to change familiar patterns but I feel like it is worth it.

Hang in there and take care 

[Allmessedup]

Hi islington girl



My situation is similar but we are much older than u. 

My gf and I have been together for almost 4 years.  She was dx with BPD in her late teens.  She went thru years of intense therapy and does fairly well

She too has "bad spaces". She is in one currently actually.

She feels very distant and closed to me right now.  She says there is an "issue". But has not yet disclosed what it is.  She has a lot of physical illnesses that are flaring right now and that doesn't help either.

It's so hard sometimes!  I am not anxious but I have anxious attachment and tend to feel very insecure.  This over the years has caused some massive fights when coupled with her bad space.

My biggest advice for you would be to keep yourself centered.  If I am feeling anxious or insecure I don't talk with her until that passes.  We also do not live together.  It's super hard but I have to self soothe and not rely on her to make me feel any better about the relationship.  She simply can't.  My emotions will only feed hers and worsen the situation.

This is often easier said than done sometimes but makes a world of difference.

She had BPD and these "bad spaces"  well before me.  I am not the cause of it and I can't fix it.  I can only choose to ride it out.

We stay in communication.  If she doesn't want to talk about whatever the issue is, I ask once and then we table it.    That way she knows I still care about her and her suffering (I haven't forgotten). But she has the right to wait until she is ready to talk. Pushing her does no good

So mostly I talk.  I chat about my day, about my life,my work, whatever. And that seems to help her.

I go do things for myself during this time period as well.  It helps

We are planning on working thru the book the high conflict couple together.   But I have read it on my own aand some of the lessons in the book have been incredibly helpful in keeping me centered.

I know it's hard!

Amu