Not My First Rodeo - Validation Help Needed

[martillo]

How do you not “let life just happen to you” in your relationship with your high conflict/BPD/uBPD partner?  I have boundaries in place for “treatment” related issues – he does his best to bust those boundaries and does on occasion (another post for another time ).  I also have learned that if I want to do something, I need to be willing to do it w/o H as he doesn’t like to do much of anything I like to do.   

The specific issue (this time) is that he has a friend who just got out of a 3 month alcohol rehab stay (my H is an active alcoholic who has never acknowledged that he has an alcohol problem).  Friend spent the whole holiday season with us (12/23 to 01/06).  Friend has 4 kids (ages 9 – 19) and an estranged wife in his state of residence which is several states away from us.  Friend returned to his home state (not sure what home he is returning to) today but will be returning to go to work for us (we have our own business) – not sure when, just sometime soon and he will take up residence in the camper in our backyard (previous posts about different friend who stayed in camper from May to November of this year – if that camper were paid for it might suddenly burn up ).   We gave friend money to pay for part of his rehab and I was supportive of H’s decision to do that; I was ok when he asked if friend could come stay w us for holidays but I didn’t know it was a 2 week job trial (by the way, this is a friend who I do not know – was H’s friend before we met and they only had sporadic phone contact over the past 23-24 yrs)

I don’t feel like this is a good idea for our family or for friend (who does not at this point know the extent of H’s alcohol use – he was Saint H while friend was with us), but no matter what I say, this will happen because H has decided that this is what is going to happen.  This happens all the time – we never discuss things because if I disagree with anything H has planned he turns it into an argument, becomes abusive and I leave (a boundary).  I become the bad guy because I run away from all the issues and won’t deal with things – my boundary has become his escape hatch.  (where is that circle to bang my head on the wall?)

Friend seems very nice and says all the right things, but this is not my first rodeo and my distrust radar is on high alert – we have 4 kids at home still (DS21, DS18, DS13, and DD11) - their collective opinion of friend seems to be "well he isn't a douche bag like previous camper friend, but it is like having a twin dad."  (they are perceptive little boogers!)

How do I address, in a validating way, that I feel lied to and deceived and that I think this a terrible idea? 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Hi martillo,

sounds like a challenging situation indeed.  

Are you sure you want to provide validating feedback? It sound more like you are seeking validation here on the board (understandably so) and would like to invalidate his plan (perfectly understandable too).

How do I address, in a validating way, that I feel lied to and deceived and that I think this a terrible idea?  

While some invalidation may some times be required it does not help to come to a solution focusing on "feeling lied to and deceived". Considering that H has an alcohol problem I suspect you will be at the receiving end of a fair amount of manipulative information. Nobody likes to be in that situation - this is really hard on you  . And while it is a problem definitely worth tacking you got other issues here that may be more important at this time - radical acceptance may be the best course here in combination with boundaries where you can to protect yourself from the fallout of his deceptions.

It is a terrible idea as far as you can tell. That is the core of what needs tackling. You can either

 - stop it

 - try to shape it

If you want to stop it - and see a realistic way to stop it - take a stand. Put up a fight. Make sure there is way for him to back out without loosing face. Make sure you can stand down without loosing face too. Stick strictly to facts, don't make it personal (lying, deceived... . ).  Read up workshops on assertiveness for your wants. Read up workshop on SET for the facts. Use both. You will know best your chances of winning and the costs of winning or loosing. It certainly will not be easy but will yield short term certainty - in whatever shape, possibly one very intense conflict.

If you want to stop it what you must not do is purely working with validation and SET. He is committed to do it and probably the facts don't have an opinion on their own. Using SET alone would be hiding yourself behind facts and is passive-aggressive. Won't accomplish anything but will cost something.

If you want to shape it - think not what you want but what you do not what. Where are the lines. What are the boundaries.  What agreements with what party needs to be in place. How can you protect these boundaries with means that are under your control. You had some bad experiences in the past - what can you learn from them. Which experiences had a bad impact on H - how can that motivate him to support you in setting boundaries. This route certainly will not be easy and will even in the best case require continuous effort and still may lead to a series of conflicts.

It is certainly not the greatest idea as it blurs boundaries of your home and also of boss-employee relationship. The latter may be uncomfortable for the friend too - maybe you can find an allied mind there in the friend.

You definitely got a hard problem on your hands  

a0

[martillo]

Thank you aOught for your thoughtful reply - No matter how I address this issue, I need to do it this weekend.  I am not sure when friend is returning, but I am sure it will be within the month and need to get prepared for that event.  I went to Alanon meeting right after I posted initial message and was able to at least get some inner peace.  Friend is recently rehabbed alcoholic.  He is joining our company as a "team builder" per H - I have already seen manipulative behavior by friend. Much like H, friend likes to "assess" people (read judge and define) - "I can tell you are (blah, blah, blah)"  The people whose *ss*s he needs to kiss get good assessments.  Those he seems to be threatened by, not so much -- and friend is not very spot on w his assessments... . this will be an interesting time... .