Extinction Burst of epic proportions

[Murbay]

Tonight I was contacted by both my mum and my sister. My exBPDw is now pulling out all stops, 10 e-mails alone this month and we aren't even half way through.

As some of you know from my previous post, only the other day my mum received an e-mail from her mum cutting her out of my daughters life. So roll on tonight when my mums phone rings and it's the ex. Without a word being said, my mum simply hung up on her. She called again and left a very nasty voicemail which has been saved. That was followed by an e-mail which contained the following line.

it is truly a sad reflection of the character or lack thereof you seem to possess when it comes to your grand daughter.

After which it was my sisters turn but she didn't respond or acknowledge either.

I then received an e-mail telling me my daughter requires urgent medical attention and she needs me to provide some medical answers. This I'm torn with because given how things have played out this week I can't help feeling she is looking for anything just to get a response. I hope I'm wrong but things have not added up at all this week.

22nd December, I received an e-mail telling me she just bought a new bed and bedroom furniture for our daughter at a cost of $2000 and demanded I pay $1000 towards it. 2 days ago, I got an e-mail telling me she was so poor that my daughter didn't have decent shoes and couldn't walk properly in the ones she had. She had to borrow $42 to get the shoes in clearance because that's all she could afford and could I pay $80 for a new pair. If I don't pay it means I don't care about my daughters health and well being.

I can see a glaring issue with this.

Either way, e-mails are coming thick and fast and trying to use guilt just to respond.

[seeking balance]

I then received an e-mail telling me my daughter requires urgent medical attention and she needs me to provide some medical answers. This I'm torn with because given how things have played out this week I can't help feeling she is looking for anything just to get a response. I hope I'm wrong but things have not added up at all this week.

Be careful here - this is why you have to have LC.

Respond with SET - "Of course I want to help my daughter in any way and I am sure this is stressful for you. Please provide me with the contact info so I can get the information to the Dr.  Thank you for letting me know."

You don't want this to come back around in court of you not being responsive.

22nd December, I received an e-mail telling me she just bought a new bed and bedroom furniture for our daughter at a cost of $2000 and demanded I pay $1000 towards it. 2 days ago, I got an e-mail telling me she was so poor that my daughter didn't have decent shoes and couldn't walk properly in the ones she had. She had to borrow $42 to get the shoes in clearance because that's all she could afford and could I pay $80 for a new pair. If I don't pay it means I don't care about my daughters health and well being.

I can see a glaring issue with this.

Either way, e-mails are coming thick and fast and trying to use guilt just to respond.

Ignore this one.

Might I suggest taking this to the legal board - the folks over there are brilliant at handling this stuff.  I was a regular when I was going through my divorce - and they were right on the money every time.

[arn131arn]

Can someone explain to me what an extinction burst is?

thanks,

Arn

[arn131arn]

^^^^bump^^^^

[Surnia]

  arn

Here is a thread about it:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Extinction Bursts

Hope this helps. For me it was a  to know more about it.

[arn131arn]

Surnia,

You are too good to me.

Thanks,

Arn

[Surnia]

You are welcome, arn 


at Murbay:

How are you doing today?

[Murbay]

Seeking Balance, I actually have NC and not LC on this one.

As most people recall, my T started out as her T so knows her extremely well. He came under very heavy abuse from her too after she ended the relationship and has since been looking for an opening to initiate LC whilst keeping the upper hand. Sadly, apart from a very brief 3 day window in October, there hasn't been any opportunity. He did advise I ignore all e-mails she sends but like I explained to him at the time, I couldn't do that in case it was something about the kids.

In terms of financial support, I am doing everything by the legal agreement and not detracting from that. I made the mistake in November of sending extra money for winter clothes. She knew then that I was reading the e-mails and the nastiness then increased.

T believes we are still some way off being able to establish beneficial contact, in terms of being able to communicate. It seems to be a dangerous combination right now, the NPD in her is what seems to be dominating with the BPD being secondary. Her need to dominate and be adored is constant over her fear of abandonment. She treats everybody the same and has actually said she enjoyed that people felt threatened and intimidated by her. I've actually seen people trying to sneak out of their house to avoid bumping in to her, yet all the time she talks about how amazing she is, that everybody loves her and that she is the most selfless person on the planet.

The e-mails my entire family received over the past couple of days, talk only about how wonderful and kind she has been to everyone, how selfless she has been and that how could anybody possibly ignore her before turning very nasty. The saddest part about it is that she is using every guilt trip under the book, trying to find any button to provoke a response. The worst part about it all is how the children are used in this sick and twisted game.

In terms of the urgent medical attention, I'm not even going to offer a response on that. When I first met her, she showed me an email she sent to her ex asking for medical background. I was actually horrified that he never gave her a response because it was for his daughter. However, I also saw the previous e-mails and the ones she sent that followed. It's the very same pattern.

In terms of medical, there is nothing wrong with the children. My ex is very dangerous in respect that 2-3 times a week, she drags the children to doctors and specialists telling them what she thinks is wrong. Any doctor disagree, she goes off to find another and then another until she finds one who does listen to her. The medical questions she asked this week, had all been given to doctors by me when my daughter was born. I had to fill out a medical history questionnaire which is on her file anyway. My only concern, one that I have no control over, is that she will start inventing medical conditions like she did with the eldest daughter. Creating a sickly child that needs to be taken care of, a pattern that was evident in the household as her own mother has done that to her too in order to keep her from ever moving out. A case of "you must stay here because I'm the only person who can save you"

It is an extremely dangerous family and just giving them any form of attention opens the floodgates to something far more sinister. Even T wouldn't have anything to do with her, he has already said she is a very dangerous individual, not only to herself but also to the children and anybody else unfortunate enough to question their logic.

[babyducks]

Murbay,

I am sorry you are going through all that.  That sounds like an awful lot to handle.   

Take care of yourself.   

'ducks

[seeking balance]

In terms of financial support, I am doing everything by the legal agreement and not detracting from that. I made the mistake in November of sending extra money for winter clothes. She knew then that I was reading the e-mails and the nastiness then increased.

Again, I cannot imagine how hard having kids in the equation is - going through the legals of a divorce on property and money was hard enough.

I am sure your attorney is giving you very good advice on how to handle the parenting portion as opposed to the financial part of your situation. 

Best,

SB

[Murbay]

SB and babyducks

Thank you for your kind words.

The divorce was fast, she had her lawyer draw up an agreement and literally did everything overnight so there was no lengthy court battles, no property to divide (she still lives with her parents) and certainly no money to divide either. We are from different countries so she decided on the divorce on the Thursday night, papers signed on the Friday and I flew out on the Saturday. It really was that quick.

I don't have an attourney, my own fault really. Was told I had to sign the papers there and then and was written in to the agreement that I did not have legal counsel. I did raise a concern initially but signed the documents to stop the abuse and get out of there.

As for parenting portion, there isn't any, it is all about money. We had initially agreed to arrangements but then she stopped that from happening the moment I left, basically by trying to file false accusations. Christmas cards, birthday cards, gifts etc... . are all returned from any member of my family. However, wanting money for things is all she seems happy with. It seems to be, "I don't want you involved in anything but give me money."

Legally, there is nothing I can do without an international fight and even then it's with her laws and not ours.

[seeking balance]

Legally, there is nothing I can do without an international fight and even then it's with her laws and not ours.

ouch!

Sounds like you have a realistic approach - sorry this is all so very difficult.

[ShadowDancer]

SB and babyducks

Thank you for your kind words.

The divorce was fast, she had her lawyer draw up an agreement and literally did everything overnight so there was no lengthy court battles, no property to divide (she still lives with her parents) and certainly no money to divide either. We are from different countries so she decided on the divorce on the Thursday night, papers signed on the Friday and I flew out on the Saturday. It really was that quick.

I don't have an attourney, my own fault really. Was told I had to sign the papers there and then and was written in to the agreement that I did not have legal counsel. I did raise a concern initially but signed the documents to stop the abuse and get out of there.

As for parenting portion, there isn't any, it is all about money. We had initially agreed to arrangements but then she stopped that from happening the moment I left, basically by trying to file false accusations. Christmas cards, birthday cards, gifts etc... . are all returned from any member of my family. However, wanting money for things is all she seems happy with. It seems to be, "I don't want you involved in anything but give me money."

Legally, there is nothing I can do without an international fight and even then it's with her laws and not ours.

Yeah, show me the money. Does that not appear as the bottom line after all is said and done?

[arn131arn]

Seeking Balance, I actually have NC and not LC on this one.

As most people recall, my T started out as her T so knows her extremely well. He came under very heavy abuse from her too after she ended the relationship and has since been looking for an opening to initiate LC whilst keeping the upper hand. Sadly, apart from a very brief 3 day window in October, there hasn't been any opportunity. He did advise I ignore all e-mails she sends but like I explained to him at the time, I couldn't do that in case it was something about the kids.

In terms of financial support, I am doing everything by the legal agreement and not detracting from that. I made the mistake in November of sending extra money for winter clothes. She knew then that I was reading the e-mails and the nastiness then increased.

T believes we are still some way off being able to establish beneficial contact, in terms of being able to communicate. It seems to be a dangerous combination right now, the NPD in her is what seems to be dominating with the BPD being secondary. Her need to dominate and be adored is constant over her fear of abandonment. She treats everybody the same and has actually said she enjoyed that people felt threatened and intimidated by her. I've actually seen people trying to sneak out of their house to avoid bumping in to her, yet all the time she talks about how amazing she is, that everybody loves her and that she is the most selfless person on the planet.

The e-mails my entire family received over the past couple of days, talk only about how wonderful and kind she has been to everyone, how selfless she has been and that how could anybody possibly ignore her before turning very nasty. The saddest part about it is that she is using every guilt trip under the book, trying to find any button to provoke a response. The worst part about it all is how the children are used in this sick and twisted game.

In terms of the urgent medical attention, I'm not even going to offer a response on that. When I first met her, she showed me an email she sent to her ex asking for medical background. I was actually horrified that he never gave her a response because it was for his daughter. However, I also saw the previous e-mails and the ones she sent that followed. It's the very same pattern.

In terms of medical, there is nothing wrong with the children. My ex is very dangerous in respect that 2-3 times a week, she drags the children to doctors and specialists telling them what she thinks is wrong. Any doctor disagree, she goes off to find another and then another until she finds one who does listen to her. The medical questions she asked this week, had all been given to doctors by me when my daughter was born. I had to fill out a medical history questionnaire which is on her file anyway. My only concern, one that I have no control over, is that she will start inventing medical conditions like she did with the eldest daughter. Creating a sickly child that needs to be taken care of, a pattern that was evident in the household as her own mother has done that to her too in order to keep her from ever moving out. A case of "you must stay here because I'm the only person who can save you"

It is an extremely dangerous family and just giving them any form of attention opens the floodgates to something far more sinister. Even T wouldn't have anything to do with her, he has already said she is a very dangerous individual, not only to herself but also to the children and anybody else unfortunate enough to question their logic.

Murbay,

I too, have an ex with a messed up FOO.  I have been arrested 3 times for false DV accusations.  Each time the cops showed up, my ex would hurry and tell them "My dad's a cop, my dad's a cop."  Then she would hand the officer the phone which had her dad (retired detective) on the other end.

He threatened my a week ago, about maybe maybe not having an "open" investigation about a screaming bout we had with each other outside her sister's house. Something along the lines of disturbing the peace.  I told him I refuse and you are not allowed to make me live in your fear, obligation, and guilt anymore.

It was hilarious, the look on his face, he just said, "I-I-I-I don't even know what you mean by that."

No crap, because you are the NPD who married a BPD and bred the BPD that I put up with for 14 years! 

[Murbay]

Arn, I'm truly sorry to hear about your situation, it must be quite daunting to be living in constant alert of who is going to show up at the door.

Like your ex, mines brother is the cop. Thankfully, he got out of the house early enough and seems to disappear off the radar when their drama starts. On the other hand, it is something my ex used a lot "my brother is a cop" as if it gave her some kind of entitlement too. It's really funny when talking to my T because he refuses to acknowledge my ex's father. As far as he is concerned, her mother and father are the same thing because he has no mind of his own, is controlled and dictated to and doesn't even have his own opinions. ex MIL controls everything and for a while I felt sorry for my ex being controlled in such a way. Took several Therapy sessions for me to understand my ex was just as guilty, if not more as she is in control of her own actions.

I was also fortunate enough that I was several thousand miles away at the time the accusations were supposed to have happened and could prove my whereabouts too. The police didn't take them seriously and then my ex tried to pass me the costs for the paperwork she filed.

I hope in your case that your ex's family backs off now and allows you to have some peace to move on with your life.