Fixing Myself

[Depression = 72% of members]

For the time being I am staying and trying to work on/manage my relationship with my uBPDbf.  I have been reading some of the lessons and definitely believe that I am a co-dependent in some ways.  He frequently uses me "not being there... . " as an excuse/reason.  For example, if I run errands after work (grocery shopping, etc.) or if I schedule a hair or nail appointment.  It is as if I am expected to be at his beckon call, yet he doesn't engage with me or does his own thing for an hour or 2.  There have been multiple times he has run an errand after work, been home late, gone out on a Friday and not informed me at all.  When I have asked what's wrong, I get the "you aren't ever here... . " which is a load of BS. 

1.  How do you stop being the co-dependent? 

2.  When I have "not cared" and gone and done my thing I'm told I'm selfish... .

3.  Or if I have done things at my family or friends request, then I am told I am "Weak" and can't make my own decisions.

Being "weak" is how he justifies his treatment of me.  I was "weak" in my previous marriage because my ex-husband was a verbal abuser & narcissist and I stayed for 9years.  But I was the one who told him to leave and filled for the divorce, so somewhere in me I am strong. 

I guess I just expected and hoped that my current uBPDbf would love and accept me.  And not put me down.  Recently, I am feeling like I am in the same relationship as I was with my ex-husband, in regards to the lack of "compassion or love" from the other partner.

[FigureIt]

For the time being I am staying and trying to work on/manage my relationship with my uBPDbf.  I have been reading some of the lessons and definitely believe that I am a co-dependent in some ways.  He frequently uses me "not being there... . " as an excuse/reason.  For example, if I run errands after work (grocery shopping, etc.) or if I schedule a hair or nail appointment.  It is as if I am expected to be at his beckon call, yet he doesn't engage with me or does his own thing for an hour or 2.  There have been multiple times he has run an errand after work, been home late, gone out on a Friday and not informed me at all.  When I have asked what's wrong, I get the "you aren't ever here... . " which is a load of BS. 

1.  How do you stop being the co-dependent? 

2.  When I have "not cared" and gone and done my thing I'm told I'm selfish... .

3.  Or if I have done things at my family or friends request, then I am told I am "Weak" and can't make my own decisions.

Being "weak" is how he justifies his treatment of me.  I was "weak" in my previous marriage because my ex-husband was a verbal abuser & narcissist and I stayed for 9years.  But I was the one who told him to leave and filled for the divorce, so somewhere in me I am strong. 

I guess I just expected and hoped that my current uBPDbf would love and accept me.  And not put me down.  Recently, I am feeling like I am in the same relationship as I was with my ex-husband, in regards to the lack of "compassion or love" from the other partner.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Hi Ycul,

For the time being I am staying and trying to work on/manage my relationship with my uBPDbf.  I have been reading some of the lessons and definitely believe that I am a co-dependent in some ways.  He frequently uses me "not being there... . " as an excuse/reason.  For example, if I run errands after work (grocery shopping, etc.) or if I schedule a hair or nail appointment.  It is as if I am expected to be at his beckon call, yet he doesn't engage with me or does his own thing for an hour or 2.  There have been multiple times he has run an errand after work, been home late, gone out on a Friday and not informed me at all.  When I have asked what's wrong, I get the "you aren't ever here... . " which is a load of BS. 

1.  How do you stop being the co-dependent? 

2.  When I have "not cared" and gone and done my thing I'm told I'm selfish... .

3.  Or if I have done things at my family or friends request, then I am told I am "Weak" and can't make my own decisions.

the way you describe it it sounds like he is asking you to justify yourself when not reachable. And vice versa you ask him to justify when he is not reachable. Of course partners need to do stuff independently and also have some rights for privacy. Where exactly the line is depends on the relationship and of course there should be some degree of symmetry. As with all boundaries in a grey continuum it is especially hard to pin them down and avoid them being shifted at will of the more expansive partner.

2.  When I have "not cared" and gone and done my thing I'm told I'm selfish... .

Validation: "I'm strong and independent. It may take time to get used to it." or "Jealous?" or "I sometimes put my interests first. As I sometimes put yours or out common interests first".

Taking a stronger, independent position in the relationship will trigger conflicts that need to be worked through. Owning up to your interests is part of it - as will be validating his loss of control.

[FigureIt]

I don't really need him to justify himself, just let me know he won't be home at the usual time or he's going out.  I'm okay with all of that.  I tell him in advance when my appointments are and I do try to schedule things so I can be home together, it just doesn't always work that way.  And sometimes I need time for myself.

[ltul]

Ycul,

I don't think it sounded like you needed him to justify himself at all. Sounds to me like a classic BPD. The push pull. He doesn't want you gone but when you are there ignores you. They want you close but not to close.

For my husband it seems like part of him needs me there so he doesn't feel abandoned and the other part of him likes to control and test me. He does this by not telling me where he is. Or by not showing up on time. Some times not showing up at all to important events. On  a regular basis he will just leave and not tell anyone he is leaving. By doing these thing he shows he will not be controlled and he doesn't need to answer to anyone. If I react with anger He feels justified because as he puts it"why would he want to spend time with someone who is so angry" or if i don't react he has proof I don't care "why should he stay where he isn't wanted" they are putting us in no win situations. It's a form of abuse my counselor calls it keeping us in the down position. I think the reason why this relationship feels the same as your last is because it basically is BPD and abuser/narcissist are pretty similar.

I would suggest focusing on getting yourself Stronger and more confident in what you want out of a relationship.  Take sometime to Learn why you have picked two guys so similar to each other. Use this website to learn all you can about BPD.  I have been in my relationship for 20 years total and have only learned about BPD in the last year and half. This website has really helped me but life is still really hard.

Ltul

[Grey Kitty]

1.  How do you stop being the co-dependent? 

One bit at a time--it is a lot of work, but you will get there!

2.  When I have "not cared" and gone and done my thing I'm told I'm selfish... .

3.  Or if I have done things at my family or friends request, then I am told I am "Weak" and can't make my own decisions.

Hold tight to your own reality. Just because he says you "are selfish" or "are weak" doesn't mean it is true. He says those things to control/influence your behavior. If you believe what he says, you are letting him do it. Believe your own truth and reality--you know that you aren't being selfish when you want to do something on your own.