Update: she's already cheated on my replacement

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

If you read my other posts you know about my stbxwife and the cheating. And even though we are supposedly in a trial separation she's gone ahead and is in an exclusive dating relationship with a new guy.  BUT, surprise surprise, she has already cheated on him after just a week while at a work conference. Wow. Well, it does help me see and understand that it wasn't just me. It's not anything I could have done or did.  This is just her and what she does. This provides even more clarity for me.

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

If you read my other posts you know about my stbxwife and the cheating. And even though we are supposedly in a trial separation she's gone ahead and is in an exclusive dating relationship with a new guy.  BUT, surprise surprise, she has already cheated on him after just a week while at a work conference. Wow. Well, it does help me see and understand that it wasn't just me. It's not anything I could have done or did.  This is just her and what she does. This provides even more clarity for me.

[iluminati]

Hey, I feel your pain.  After I found out my stbxw started a relationship with someone else, I found out in the intervening months both that she had slept with a long-time friend of hers, complete with photographic proof, and that she was sleeping with other people on top of the new dude.  Thankfully, I had stopped sleeping with her unprotected a long time ago due to other issues which aren't germane to the conversation, but it's definitely not anyone's idea of a fun time. 

Short answer?  She just wants attention anywhere she can get it, and she'll do anything to keep up a trial of admirers.

[Moonie75]

This behaviour would be best described as pathetic, if it wasn't so utterly tragic!

And that's what it is, 'tragic' that someone needs to live that way just to feel alive!

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Illuminati,

Unfortunately for me, my stbxwife also slept with multiple guys in the end, lied, and I was in the mix because she hid hit. Not a pleasant discovery to say the least.

Yeah, it's definitely an attention thing. Yet she blames me for not giving her enough attention during the marriage. So this too is my fault.  I could never win. Glad I'm not playing that unwinnable game any more.

Moonie,

Yes it is pathetic. I almost feel sorry for my replacement. He was cheated on just after a week!  To whore yourself out to feel alive... . I just don't understanding it. But I'm glad I don't understand. Lol

One day when all the dust settles, this will all be a distant memory and I will just laugh. One day.

[Moonie75]

Seeking,

Your replacement isn't on his own. My ex has recycled the guy she replaced me with during our last break up. They are about three or four weeks into their 'dance', and the whole time (unknown to him) she's been logging into her online dating profile & chatting with men online! Swapping phone numbers, talking, WhatsApp messaging with these guys. And I don't doubt will be meeting up with any of them who are geographically available!

All this less than a month after no doubt declaring her undying love for the recycled guy!

 

[irishmarmot]

It seems that most if not all BPD's cheat?  Is this an accurate reflection of the illness?

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Moonie,

It's almost like they aren't satisfied with the attention from just one person.  That they need as much attention as they can get and push the boundaries as far as possible. My mistake during the marriage was that I didn't defend my boundaries well enough.  Lesson learned.

[santa]

I guess that's just what sluts do.

[Moonie75]

It seems that most if not all BPD's cheat?  Is this an accurate reflection of the illness?

My own take on this is 80% what I experienced specifically with my own ex, with maybe 20% coming from reading the experiences of others.

I would sum my own experience with my ex as realizing this... .

In the physical sense, she is almost certainly a one guy at a time person. She will not cheat 'physically'.

But she is a serial emotional cheater!

She will recycle a partner for the sexual gratification/validation needed while she subtly searches for the next 'NEW knight'. All the time testing possibilities with the orbiters she keeps around her. Once a source has been found she dips her toes in the water with slightly inappropriate & suggestive dialog.

If the monkey takes the banana, he's then fed by the bunch as the emotional affair goes into full swing!

(she believes there's nothing wrong with this because she's so far kept her knickers & bra on!

Once she has that chosen monkeys undivided attention & is sure he's secured, the current recycled fella gets binned. Then she's straight in with the new source & convinced she's done nothing wrong because she's 'physically' only bedding one at a time!

So I believe YES, all are cheats.

Some physically cheat, others emotional cheats while securing the next physical partner.

But ultimately yeah, I believe you're right. Sad as it is to admit it!

[imstronghere2]

Moonie,

It's almost like they aren't satisfied with the attention from just one person.  That they need as much attention as they can get and push the boundaries as far as possible. My mistake during the marriage was that I didn't defend my boundaries well enough.  Lesson learned.

I thought that about myself too but the reality is that you (me) could have woke up every morning and literally said ":)ear, DO NOT screw other guys today.  That would be BAD and devastating to our relationship" and it wouldn't have changed ANYTHING. 

We DID set our boundaries and we did it in front of witnesses when we said our vows.

[iluminati]

Here's my experience from my ambassador days when it comes to cheating and BPD.  As an informed layman, I would say cheaters don't cut, and cutters don't cheat.  Think about what it takes to cheat.  You have to be willing to leave the house.  You have to be willing to speak to people and at least put up an image of desirability.  You have to function as an adult in society.  I'm not saying it's positive, but a person with BPD that can cheat feels positive enough about the future that another person can potentially be a crutch.

On the flip side, someone who is heavy into self-injury feels so desperate for anything to cure the pain that they can't think of anything else, let alone talking to another person.  If someone is at the point of cutting, they'll have one hell of a time getting out of bed and speaking to anyone in order to convince them to sleep with them.  They clearly don't think life is worth living on any level.

Now, there are occasional exceptions to the rule, most notably the male feminist writer (and admitted BPD sufferer) Hugo Schwyzer, who admitted to both cutting and massive adultery during his fall from grace.  That said, it's a good first level approximation.

[Turkish]

It seems that most if not all BPD's cheat?  Is this an accurate reflection of the illness?

My own take on this is 80% what I experienced specifically with my own ex, with maybe 20% coming from reading the experiences of others.

I would sum my own experience with my ex as realizing this... .

In the physical sense, she is almost certainly a one guy at a time person. She will not cheat 'physically'.

But she is a serial emotional cheater!

She will recycle a partner for the sexual gratification/validation needed while she subtly searches for the next 'NEW knight'. All the time testing possibilities with the orbiters she keeps around her. Once a source has been found she dips her toes in the water with slightly inappropriate & suggestive dialog.

If the monkey takes the banana, he's then fed by the bunch as the emotional affair goes into full swing!

(she believes there's nothing wrong with this because she's so far kept her knickers & bra on!

Once she has that chosen monkeys undivided attention & is sure he's secured, the current recycled fella gets binned. Then she's straight in with the new source & convinced she's done nothing wrong because she's 'physically' only bedding one at a time!

So I believe YES, all are cheats.

Some physically cheat, others emotional cheats while securing the next physical partner.

But ultimately yeah, I believe you're right. Sad as it is to admit it!

This is interesting,  and kind of like mine.  she justified the cheating telling me we were done.  but then we went into couple's counseling.  the emotional affair was going in for a while,  then after she ended it,  went out at night with the guy.  two weeks later,  they were at least kissing as I found evidence in a message on her phone.  this was almost four months ago.  she still insists they are just friends,  but it is shameless. I  got the mistaken text message in which she called him her  Love. I  think they are both love addicts.  no self respecting guy is going to let some chick call him  Love unless they are in a relationship.  she still refuses to call it that.  she is right,  she is sick,  and still thinks all of this is justified,  while conducting it from my house while paying no rent,  utilities and hardly any groceries.  in short,  she's a pathological liar and I  hardly believe a word she says.  cheating is certainly one of the biggest lies.  she still refers to it as her " mistake"  as if it weren't still going on!  " I've taken responsibility for my mistake."  yrs,  just like the politicians say,  liars.