Maybe he is right

[Depression = 72% of members]

Maybe I'm the f'd up one. I mean he does have friends. In fact he is out visiting one in CO this weekend. And yes most of his friends are married and live within 2 to 3 hours from him. However they all keep in touch and go on vacations together. He has been friends with them since College. All the people he tells what happened say I'm the one with the problem and to get the h double hockey sticks away from me. I guess he is right I feel hopeless and like a failure. I went and saw a dr when he said he thought I wasn't happy. So the dr thought I had mild depression and put me on a med. Well thing is I really didn't feel depressed just lacked motivation. This med is making me cry uncontrollably I'm trying to drive home from a funeral that was 8 hours away. I keep stopping like right now bc of the crying. I did go see another dr for my annual and they checked all my hormone levels and apparently at 36 I have low testosterone (yes woman can suffer from this) they are going to treat it. What's ironic is exbf suffers from that and has to get T shots. When low he is very very mean and will justify his low T for his behavior. Yet I'm not given that same consideration I was always understanding. I'm a mess and the reason for it failing. Again he is correct I'm the reason no guy wants to stay in a relationship with me. I shouldn't get involved in r/s I hate the drama & enjoy life more. Right now with this med I just I don't know... .

[Lol4fun]

Maybe I'm the f'd up one. I mean he does have friends. In fact he is out visiting one in CO this weekend. And yes most of his friends are married and live within 2 to 3 hours from him. However they all keep in touch and go on vacations together. He has been friends with them since College. All the people he tells what happened say I'm the one with the problem and to get the h double hockey sticks away from me. I guess he is right I feel hopeless and like a failure. I went and saw a dr when he said he thought I wasn't happy. So the dr thought I had mild depression and put me on a med. Well thing is I really didn't feel depressed just lacked motivation. This med is making me cry uncontrollably I'm trying to drive home from a funeral that was 8 hours away. I keep stopping like right now bc of the crying. I did go see another dr for my annual and they checked all my hormone levels and apparently at 36 I have low testosterone (yes woman can suffer from this) they are going to treat it. What's ironic is exbf suffers from that and has to get T shots. When low he is very very mean and will justify his low T for his behavior. Yet I'm not given that same consideration I was always understanding. I'm a mess and the reason for it failing. Again he is correct I'm the reason no guy wants to stay in a relationship with me. I shouldn't get involved in r/s I hate the drama & enjoy life more. Right now with this med I just I don't know... .

[sun seeker]

Hey

Im sorry your going through this. Im 35 and feel the same way at times. It will be ok hun.  Ive read all of you post and you soud like an amazing women.  Anyone one would be proud to be in an r/s with you. I WOULD. Your, caring, compassionate, you love with your whole heart & you dont give up easily. Your alot like me. I wish I could find someone like you. We attracking the crazys unfortunately. 

He hasn't let his "friends" get close enough to trigger. If he treated friends this way they would run quicker than we did.

Dont let this crap sandwich define you. I know this is tough and it takes a toll . Get through today there are better days ahead no doubt. ... . hang in thier 4fun.

[maxen]

no 4, he's not right. there's no issue with being a bit unhappy, and the crying is likely from the wrong meds. i was briefly on zoloft and i thought i was going nuts before i was given lexapro, which has been very good. talk to your doctor about the prescription.

now:

I mean he does have friends. In fact he is out visiting one in CO this weekend. And yes most of his friends are married and live within 2 to 3 hours from him. However they all keep in touch and go on vacations together. He has been friends with them since College. All the people he tells what happened say I'm the one with the problem and to get the h double hockey sticks away from me.

my stbxw has lots of friends, some of long standing, some of them are married, they go on vacations together. and although my wife ended the marraige by deceit and betrayal, some of her friends (she said) told her to file for divorce when she was hesitating (i did it, in fact). now what could she be telling these people to convince them that she is the wronged party? she's loading them up with BPD victim talk, with projections onto me of her own issues, and she's almost certainly lying, by omission and comission, to them, just as she did to me. and if your bf has the BPD, then he is too. his friends have no idea. and if they don't care to know the whole story, then you can forget about them.

this is a furiously painful thing to experience: but you're not alone, we here know what happens. stay steady, keep posting.

[Monarch Butterfly]

You are not the one that is messed up. Believe that! We all make mistakes and need to own the ones we do, but DO NOT own things that are not yours.

From what I read, you just came back form a funeral. This is no place to be making serious decisions about who you are or what you did. You are very vulnerable now and the meds do take a while to kick and do their thing. Take a step back, take a long hot bubble bath and breathe... . This blame is exactly what they want us to feel, so we stay low and humble.

He has friends... . yes... . but that should not be your focal point. the question is: do you? I'm sure you do. Make them part of your life. Make them meaningful. Get close to people who lift you up.

[Lol4fun]

I need to not be on the meds. All of them antidepressant and when I'm on make me like this plus I'm better and happy when I'm not on meds. I only went on them because the ex-boyfriend said I should. Yes I have a lot of friends but they're not supportive about this. I can't talk to about it I feel alienated from them then. I'm not feeling vulnerable from the funeral my grandmother was 92 years old she lived a great life. Stopping and picking my dogs up on the way home I need to see them. I'm sad my replacement is getting the good part of him now

[Lol4fun]

If I haven't messed up and if I hadn't saw him every day for the first 10 days we started our relationship I might still have him today. It's me who messed up

[sun seeker]

 We all have our issues. He is mentally ill no doubt.  I feel the exact same way you do right now. I've been in and out of tears all day.  Is this really how you want  spend your life. Being cheated on, raged on, blamed for all his faults. I doubt it highly.You cant fix him or help him . Not amount of love can help him. Forgive yourself. It wasn't all your fault. Now you see what breaking n/c can do. Hope you learn from this. He is no prize my x isnt either. Do you honestly think your replacement is getting anything good? Well she isnt. (Fact) any no he isnt right. We are all here for you. You will be ok... .

[seeking balance]

HI Lol,

There have been a lot of threads over the years where a BPD relationship - the stress - created physical problems in the non.  Many nons ended up on antidepressants, myself included, before the breakup because we do tend to think we are the problem.  I also ended up with very low Vitamin D levels which effected my hormones and depression.

I distinctly remember talking to my neighbor who is a psychologist and really asking her to tell me I was the crazy one... . somehow, me being crazy seemed easier to take.  She routinely said, "you feel crazy because you were living in crazy, but you are not crazy."

Definitely keep going to your Dr. until you get the physical parts (hormones, meds, etc) correct.  This takes a bit of time sometimes.  One "silver lining" for me was that I started to read about DBT and realized that anyone could use those skills - the are amazing tools for any traumatic time.

Hang in there,

SB

[Lol4fun]

The problem is I should never have been on any antidepressants or anything of that nature. I wasn't depressed. Years ago I at one point or the other had been on all the different anitdepressants and they all made me crash into despair with uncontollable crying and wishing I would just go to sleep and never wake up. I knew this wasn't me so I took myself off meds and I became happy again. I'm never manic or ever way down in the dumps I'm pretty level. These meds make me like all the others in the past.  Dr's in the past have never listened when I said I'm 100% certain that the general lack of energy I have/fatigue, irratability etc is due to hormones being off. Finally, it was found that I have low testosterone (not vit D) it still doesn't make me think I'm not to blame. All of his r/a have been successful. Yes his marriage ended but ended amicably as they are still friends and she asks him out to dinner at least once a month. Things are great with new girl she works for the university of Notre Dame in there legal department in the area of policy & development. Sure blows my job as a spec ed teacher out of the water. I can't help but compare myself. She is healthy I am not. Otherwise he wouldn't be with her. I don't get how he can throw away the deep connection we had. Neither of us had ever felt that way with anyone else before. So now he has it with her? It's that easily replaced?